


Burn with me

by Caroaimezoe



Category: Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles (Bay Movies), Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles - All Media Types
Genre: Alternate Universe - Human, Alternate Universe - Police, Dark, F/M, Implied/Referenced Domestic Violence, Jealousy, M/M, Madness, Mental Health Issues, Mental Instability, Mental Institutions, Obsessive Behavior, Serial Killers, Terrorism, Turtlecest, science goes wrong
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-03-13
Updated: 2018-07-16
Packaged: 2019-03-31 00:17:26
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death, Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 20
Words: 106,832
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13963218
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Caroaimezoe/pseuds/Caroaimezoe
Summary: Raphael had trusted him. But Donatello could not foresee that playing with recessive genes and living on the surface could have such terrible consequences.





	1. The Guinea Pig

**Author's Note:**

> Image: Alessandra DC  
> Beta:Kerry-Anne

_The story follows the movie Turtles 2016. I'm not a fan of these movies, but it was a change to my usual stories. In this one, Don discovers that the purple mutagen could awaken their recessive genes and make them, humans._

_Leo didn’t find it’s a good idea and forbid Donnie to talk about that to their brothers, but Mikey and Raph found out. Raph is really eager to be human. Mikey, too, but from Mikey, it's seemed to me its was more naturale. Why Raph is so driven to not be a turtle anymore? He didn’t seem to like the human world as much as Mikey does and he isn’t that bothered to be a “monster” At the end, Leo give the choice to his brothers and, then, they decided to remain turtles._

_So, I decided to imagine an alternative sequence where Raph would not have smashed the sample but would have decided, with his brothers, to postpone their decision to a more opportune moment (after the invasion attempt). I tried to give a reason to Raphael to explain his desire to be human. Donatello have the formula now ready, but he still has reservations to use it on his brothers, not knowing the long-term side-effect. So, that's when our story begins._

 

* * *

** BURN WITH ME. **

* * *

 

Donnie stared dreamily at the beaker, which contained a substance that could open up a realm of possibilities but also had many risks. He’d calculated over a hundred times and had always gotten the same result, which was that the purple ooze could transform him and his brothers into humans.

Human. The word promised many possibilities: love, friendship, gratitude, success, comfort and above all, the sun, fresh air, snow and the wind’s caress. Maybe April would introduce him to a human girl, who was pretty and nice like she was, and they’d date. And maybe his brothers would be able to find lovers too.

Everything that had always been forbidden to them was contained in the beaker.  It was the original ooze and it’d been child’s play for him to make more. He now had enough to fill a vat and to completely cover someone. The genius bit his lip. The tricky part was that while the mutagen seemed a blessing and would turn them into humans, he didn’t know what the risks, medium-term effects and consequences were. He’d seen the effect the mutagen had on Bebop and Rocksteady and it didn’t give him complete confidence in the side effects of it. Mikey had told him that the mutants had probably been crazy before their transformation. That made sense, but…

Don was still hesitant and anxious. It wasn’t just anyone’s integrity at stake, but that of his brothers and Sensei, who were his only family. It’d be his fault if the mutagen proved to be harmful in any way, because he was the scientist on whom his family counted and he couldn’t afford such a serious matter to go wrong.

Leo hadn’t explicitly said it, but Donnie knew he had similar fears and was suspicious of the purple substance. He’d postponed the meeting for weeks, stating that it must be safe to use and that Don had to run tests on it to ensure it was. Don couldn’t bear to hear “I knew it and I told you so” until the end of their days if it turned out badly.

The problem was that they were in a bind. Donnie was convinced the formula worked, but he couldn’t tell Leo it was absolutely safe. On the other hand, Mikey and Raphael grew increasingly impatient. Saying they were excited about the possibility of becoming human was an understatement.

Leo hadn’t dared to interfere in his brothers’ desire, which meant so much to them. And Mikey and Raphael had pestered Don for over two months in his lab about when the precious goo would be ready.

It was ready, but Don still had reservations. The procedure was extremely painful and traumatic, according to his predictions. Was it worth it? Weren’t they all happy as they were, like Leo had pointed out?

Doubt still consumed Don, as he studied the beaker.

The only way of eradicating the uncertainty was testing it on someone, who had the same mutation as them. And there were only four specimens of their kind, who did.

He could have chosen himself, but the logical thing was for him to be the last to use it, because he had to monitor the results of his brother’s transformations. He’d thought about that during his countless sleepless nights.

The procedure demanded that Subject A would transform and would be tested twice a week for at least a month. Then it was Subject B’s turn, which would be two or three weeks before C’s turn. Subject A and B’s tests would continue.  It’d be his turn two or three weeks after C’s turn had begun.

That was the only possible protocol and consequently, he could suspend the process of humanization for his remaining brothers at any time.

It was the only possibility and yet he didn’t like it. And he knew for sure that Leo would like it even less.

Donnie was torn between his elder brother, who was so careful, thoughtful and protective, and the two others, who were impulsive, carefree and enthusiastic.

He knew that Mikey and Raphael were waiting for him outside of the lab at that moment. The leader had given the green light to a presentation of what the humanization protocol should be and he’d never felt so nervous before.

He and Leo knew they couldn’t hold it off any longer and their brothers had a right to know. Donnie sighed and opened the door.

Leo wrinkled his forehead in reflection after listening to Don’s explanations and trying to ignore Mikey and Raphael’s joyful cries.

“So, Donnie,” Leo said. “If I understand correctly, you’re asking me to let one of our brothers sacrifice himself and to serve as a guinea pig by testing a product you can’t guarantee is harmless.”

Donnie nodded. It was futile trying to rephrase what Leo had said. It was a concise and true summary.

Raphael saw the red flag, quickly turned to Leo and said, “Leo, stop actin’ like a mother hen. I’m tired of hidin’ in the sewers like a plague victim when we’ve saved the city fuckin’ twice! I deserve better. Mikey deserves better. He deserves ta make friends with kids his own mental age.” 

 “Hey,” Mikey said, offended.

Raphael ignored his brother and continued, “Donnie deserves ta work with real equipment in a real lab with colleagues with whom he could discuss crazy theories. And ya deserve a lot better than the shadows too, Fearless. I want more than this life underground. I’m chokin’, Leo. Ya’ll let us take that risk, rather than us dyin’ here in the stench and darkness if ya love us.”

Mikey spoke and was pleading and reassuring and didn’t resort to threats and emotional blackmail, like the temperamental turtle had.

A dazed Leo finally gave in and said, “I don’t want to be an obstacle to your happiness, but I’ll be Subject A, so if anything goes wrong, it’ll happen to me.”

Raphael shook his head and stubbornly said, “I won’t let ya sacrifice yerself for somethin’ ya don’t even want, Leo. I don’t wanna feel responsible for the resta my life if somethin’ happened ta ya.”

Donnie nodded, even though no one was looking at him. He understood Raphael. Nobody wanted to live with the burden of having harmed any of his brothers. Not just Leo, who wouldn’t even blame them. But it’d be a hundredfold worse for the leader.

He let his brothers argue. He and Mikey knew from experience that it wasn’t good getting involved. They listened and said nothing, but when he saw that the arguing wasn’t going anywhere, Donnie intervened.

“You’re going to think about it,” Donnie said. “We must prepare for a life on the surface before we allow any of us to undergo the transformation process. We have to find a place to live and jobs to pay for food and bills. We can’t scavenge that much on the surface among humans. We must lead lives of people, who haven’t experienced that. All of that takes time!”

“So, what were ya doin’ in the lab all this time?” Raphael demanded aggressively. “I’m sick of waitin’….”

Leo made a gesture of peace and said, “I spoke with Chief Vincent about possibilities for us if such an eventuality arose. She promised to help and to ensure us a position in the police force if we wished to join their ranks and passed a program. So the job aspect’s already settled.”

Donnie folded his arms and ignored Mikey and Raphael’s cheerful shrieks. Then he said, “That’s an interesting offer, Leo, but I need to see what exactly the proposal is. We can’t rely on vague promises of support. We need to be able to depend on something definite and concrete. And personally, I’m not interested in being a cop. It’s you and Raph’s thing. Let me talk to April and….”

“You’re right, Donnie. Talk to April and then you can think about the possibilities and the ooze again. Maybe we could discuss this again in two weeks’ time?”

Don knew that wasn’t a real question and he had to submit to Leo’s desire to wait again, even if he’d worked on the mutagen for the past two months.

“Of course. Two weeks,” Don said. “This’ll give you time to decide who’ll be guinea pig A.”

Mikey and Raph voiced their exasperation and threw their hands up in dismay.

Don ignored them and continued, “What I want to know is how many of us want to become human, so I can make the preparations for our future lives on the surface, like false identity documents and housing, etc.”

Mikey, Leo, and Raphael looked at one another. Then a particularly taken aback Raphael said, “Yo, Donnie. It seems obvious ta me. We do that together. Isn’t that right, Mike?” Mikey nodded enthusiastically. “What ‘bout ya, Donnie?” Don nodded. “There’s only ya, Fearless,” Raphael said. “Ya won’t abandon us, right?”

Raphael’s tone was insistent, but distraught, rather than threatening.

Leo reluctantly murmured, “No. Of course not,” but the expression on his face said otherwise.

“Do ya see, Donnie?” Raphael said happily, not wanting to see Leo’s lack of enthusiasm. “It’ll be the four of us, like it’s always been.”

“Two weeks,” Donnie said, hoping the delay would help Leo make up his mind.

“I’m going to train,” Leo said, looking upset. Then he hurriedly left the room.

Donnie didn’t have to be a seer to see that the situation displeased Leo. Maybe he was still scared of the ooze and its unknown long-term effects? Leo was very protective of them as a good leader and big brother. Donnie was about to go talk to him when Raphael grabbed his arm.

“I won’t wait for two weeks,” Raphael said. “And anyway, I wanna do it before Leo knows. There’ll be nothin’ he can do ‘bout it if ya choose me for the first subject and don’t tell him. Don’t let Fearless do it if it’s potentially dangerous. His life’s more precious than mine. Ya know that, Don.”

Donnie didn’t necessarily agree, although he understood what he meant. Everyone was necessary for their family, but Leonardo was the support and protection for Raphael against his borderline personality.

 

Raphael continued, “I trust ya, Don. Ya’d choose yerself ta be a guinea pig if ya could, but yer also too useful ta be sacrificed. Just promise me that ya’ll watch over Fearless if it goes wrong. He’s gonna feel guilty and ya know what’s he like when he does. He doesn’t sleep, he constantly trains and he forgets ta eat. Prevent him from destroyin’ himself, because I stood up ta him for my own selfish bullshit.”

Donnie’s heart sank. He didn’t like the turn of the conversation.  The risks sounded more real with Raphael saying them. It also confirmed a suspicion he’d had for weeks. Raphael and Leo were no longer mere brothers. Without knowing the full extent of their intimacy, the longing glances and Raphael’s good humor the past few days hadn’t fooled the genius. The fact that Raphael wanted Don to watch over Leo and that he fiercely refused that Leo would be subject A was obvious. Their bond wasn’t only fraternal. But who was Don to judge? Raphael and Leo didn’t have many options for a mate, because they were turtles. Moreover, they were reliable and compatible partners for each other.

That wasn’t what worried Don right now, but rather that Raphael had asked Don to go behind Leo’s back. Don nervously bit his lip. He knew that it was the only solution. Leo was the least interested in the transformation and it’d be unfair to maybe sacrifice him. But Leo wasn’t the kind of leader to turn a blind eye on disobedience. Leo had never been mad at him, like he was with Raphael, and Donnie never wanted to experience it. But Leo’s approval would be a long time coming and he kind of doubted Leo would give his blessing. Leo would argue about something else in two weeks’ time and would ask for a delay again. They’d be at a dead end for weeks on end.

“I promise, Raph,” Don said. “Join me tomorrow night after Leo’s gone to bed.”

Raphael smiled in satisfaction and relief and said, “Thanks, Don. That takes a lot offa my mind. I’ll be there.”

Raphael left the lab, feeling elated. They were finally going to leave the hideous mess that was their lair. Sure Don had done a great job in setting up their few resources, but he wanted more: working as a cop with his friend, Casey, driving a convertible sports car, eating ice cream in broad daylight with his brothers and being able to visit temples in Asia with Leo had been things he’d dreamed about for the past two months. Everythin’ would be possible now, he thought, looking at his brother practicing his katas in the Dojo. Of course, Leo would let off steam in the Dojo when he was upset and wouldn’t stop until he was so exhausted that he couldn’t think. But as usual, Raphael was hypnotized by the fascinating spectacle of the leader performing his katas.

Leo was both a master and his masterpiece, Raphael thought, as he looked at Leo’s lithe body. He was sheer perfection with his powerful thighs, his toned legs, and firm butt. The leader stood in a fighting position, his muscles tense with the effort. Raphael wondered if Leo would also be attractive as a human. Probably, he thought, even though it didn’t matter. Leo would always be his soulmate, regardless what he looked like.

"Hey, Fearless. Wanna spar?" Raphael shouted.

Leo shook his head and said, “No, Raph. I was going to retire to my room….”

Raphael refrained from rolling his eyes. Leo was going to meditate on his leadership failure, being unable to prevent his brothers from doing what he thought was moronic.

“Good idea,” Raphael said. “I thought we could take advantage of our turtle bodies one last time and I could taste the purplish flesh of yer….”

Flushed, Leo dragged a grinning Raphael to his room to avoid being heard.

Leo sighed when they were in his room and said, as he looked down, “I’m afraid it’ll change something between us, Raph.”

Raphael smirked. Fearless was so cute when he was troubled, but it was Raphael’s job as a mate to comfort him. Anyway, Leo’s fear was irrelevant.

“Hey, baby,” Raphael said. “It won’t change a damn thing. I promise ya.” Raphael tilted up Leo’s face, his green eyes stared intently at Leo and he said, “I’ll always wanna do this.” Then he leaned forward to capture Leo’s lips with his own.

Leo stepped back because he wanted to get his point across. “Exactly, Raph. You….”

His words were cut off as Raphael approached him and then kissed him.

“Shut up,” Raphael said fiercely. “I only want ya, big dummy. Yer the only one I need.”

Turned on by Raphael’s words, his seductive tone, and his hot breath, Leo said nothing and allowed himself to be placed on the bed.

A proud Raphael thought he’d won the bet. He was going to distract Leo like he did so well, and in 36 hours’ time he’d be a human and would be living the life he and his brothers deserved.

Saying that Leo was furious after he’d heard the anguished screams, found the source of them and found out what had happened was an understatement. Unable to unleash his rage on a suffering Raphael, he shifted it onto Don.

“What did you do, Don?” Leo demanded.

Donnie knew his answer didn’t matter. Leo saw and heard nothing, his focus on Raphael writhing in pain, as his face became unspeakable. Don saw him approach the tank to try and get Raphael out and he grabbed his arm, trying to restrain him.

“No, Leo,” Don said. “Wait. You can’t do that. We don’t know what it’ll do in the long run. I can’t lose two brothers.”

Leo tried to free himself from his brother’s grip. His desperate cries for the genius to let go almost matched those of Raphael’s anguished screams and pierced Donnie’s heart. Although Donnie was sure that the transformation would have resulted in this scene, he found it unbearable and was emotionally shattered by the suffering. Raphael slid down into the tank. Donnie understood that it was worse for Leo, because he didn’t have the scientific guarantee that everything would be all right and besides, Raphael meant something else to Leo: a younger brother under his responsibility, his second-in-command and there was no doubt now that he was a cherished lover. Leo’s agonized shrieks eradicated all uncertainties. He wept for the person he loved and wanted to save him or to join him in the tank.

Donatello's entreaties, Leonardo's lamentations, and Raphael's howls of pain had, of course, alerted Mikey.

"What's going on here," Mikey asked, staring in dread at the scene before him,

"Stop asking stupid questions, Mikey, and help me to contain Leo," Donnie ordered, struggling to maintain his grip on the leader.

Mikey ran to help his brother and got there just as Leo managed to get away. That caused Mikey to stumble and to his brothers’ horror, he was unable to regain his balance and fell into the tank.

Master Splinter groaned and took a distraught Leo, who seemed to be losing his mind, in his arms. Leo fainted and Donnie realized that had happened because Splinter had used the magic pressure points.

“Donatello,” Splinter said. “You brother will stay in this state for only an hour. What is going on?”

The genius looked in distress at his two brothers in the tank. Mikey, who was the noisiest of them all, didn’t shiver or moan to Don’s surprise. All he did was wince and allowed himself to sink down into the ooze much faster than Raphael had.

“Sensei,” Don said. “Take Leo out of the room. I don’t know when this will be become bearable to look at.”

The rat immediately left the room with Leo and Donnie sadly watched them leave,

Donnie approached the edge of the tank, being careful not to fall in, and looked for Mikey. Raphael had been in the tank for almost ten minutes. Donnie knew that a whole body’s transformation wouldn’t be instantaneous, but he thought it’d been a long time and that worried him.

Just then an unexpected apparition appeared and made him so afraid, he fell onto his shell. A naked man, who was dripping wet, was getting out of the tub. His wet hair fell in front of his eyes and Donnie only realized it was Raphael, because of the curses he muttered.

“Damn, Donnie. Could you have warned me that it’d hurt so much?” Raphael said, shaking the hair out of his face.

Don was stunned for a moment. He didn’t know what to feel. Relief that he knew his brother or anger.

The genius composed himself and shouted, outraged, “I repeatedly told you that it’d be a painful process! Your entire body’s undergone a metamorphosis. Your genetic code, your bones, your organs. Everything’s undergone a new mutation. What did you expect? A Swedish massage. I can’t believe you dragged me into all of this. Now Leo will blame me, because of your impatience. He’s scared to death.”

Raphael looked up when he heard Leo’s name and his hair wasn’t in his face anymore. “You told Leo? You let him watch that? Shit, Donnie…You only had…”

“He knew, as soon as you stepped into it, besides I don’t understand why your screams didn’t alert journalists from all over the world. Mikey was more discreet than you,” Don said and looked into the tank. He noticed that a body was about to surface.

A young boy, who was about fifteen and whose hair appeared glued to him like a brass helmet, emerged and Donnie immediately forgot his feelings and went into scientist mode. He looked at the two men before him. Raphael was taller than Mikey and was almost as tall and as muscular as his reptilian body. He had more hair on his body than Mikey did, but maybe it was because Raphael’s were dark brown and Mikey’s were red. Donnie was sure that’d be the case when they were dry. Their irises had retained their original colors. Raphael’s were amber green and Mikey’s were sky blue. Mikey’s complexion was as white as milk with a few freckles on his face and shoulders, while Raphael’s was tanner, like a Hispanic complexion. But what was most enthralling, Donnie though, was that they seemed to have a nearly ten year age gap. While Mikey appeared to be barely 16, Raphael was a fully grown man. The hothead looked like he was around 25 or possibly older. They were so dissimilar. They didn’t look like they were brothers, or of the same generation or had the same ethnicity. This piqued Donnie’s curiosity and he eagerly asked them to follow him, so he could examine them.

“D, uh, can’t we have pants?” Mikey asked in embarrassment, covering his dick, which was now external, with his hands.

Raphael didn’t seem to feel embarrassed and cracked a dirty joke about Mikey wanting to cover himself because he was so tiny, but Donnie didn’t listen to him.

How could he have forgotten the clothes, Donnie thought? He hadn’t thought about them in the two months of reflection and planning! What a genius he was and where was Raphael’s thick Brooklyn accent?

Donnie tossed towels that hang on a railing near the humans and stammered, “After…I…mmm….I have to check your vital things and also check other things.”

Raphael shrugged. Then he looked around and said, “Where’s Fearless? You said he was here, right?”

That attracted Don’s attention. Raphael sounded the same, but different, and he realized what. Although his voice was the same, his articulation was slow and impeccable. How strange that his accent had disappeared. Maybe it was the trauma? Raphael had suffered from stammering when he was young and had adopted an accent to help him get over his speech problems. Now the accent was gone and so was the stammering. The Brooklyn accent was part of his irreverent charm but losing it was better than having lost a limb. Raphael’s passionate personality seemed to be the same and his brain functioning seemed fine.

“Uh. Leo was in shock when he saw you in pain. Sensei took him out of the room,” Don quickly explained.

 

Raphael frowned and Don was fascinated to see his usual expression on an entirely different face. “Yeah,” Raphael said doubtfully. “You’ll play mad scientist later. I’ll shower. I smell of chemicals and I don’t want Fearless to see me like this.” He paused, as a thought hit him, and looked at his body, feeling a bit worried. “What do I look like Donnie? Do I look hot?” he asked eagerly.

Donnie blinked, thinking. Did Raph look hot with his shaggy hair and sticky body? Raphael wasn’t his type and without knowing the human standards of male beauty, he found Raphael had all of his limbs. He looked at Mikey, who shivered, his towel wrapped around him, and saw he had all of his limbs too. He thought Mikey was cute with his uncertain little smile and he decided that even though his brothers were now human, they were the same personality wise. Raphael was still a cocky brute and Mikey was an adorable brat.

“Yes,” Don said. “You’re both beautiful, but April will give you a more accurate answer. Why don’t you guys shower? Then come and see me. I want to be able to reassure Leo about your condition when he’s regained consciousness and to reply to all of his questions. That may save me from decapitation.”

Raphael showered. Then he was weighed, measured, scanned and had his blood taken by Don. And he still hadn’t seen Leo. Don was satisfied because he was even more curious now and keen to compare the numbers and data with his brothers. Raphael was 6’6 and 275 pounds and Don thought he was 25 or 26-years-old. Raphael had grinned when he’d heard that. Leo wouldn’t treat him like an incompetent child anymore and he could legally drink alcohol. Mikey was 5’7, 140 pounds and probably 15. It looked like they probably weren’t brothers. Donnie told them he had to run more tests to be sure. That had upset Mikey and also Raphael, even though he hadn’t shown it. It wasn’t that important. Mikey would always be his and Leo’s little brother.

Raphael swiftly left the lab, eager to show off to his lover, and bumped into Splinter, who didn’t seem unsettled by his new appearance.

“Where are you going so fast, son?” Splinter said. “It’s late. You need rest. Miss O’ Neil will be here before the sun is up in a few hours to get you. Inform Donatello.”

A feeling of unease overcame Raphael. He had no intention of sleeping without seeing Leo.

“Sensei,” Raphael said. “Where’s Leo? I’d like to talk to him first.”

“Your brother’s sleeping,” the old rat calmly explained. “He was deeply disturbed. I advised him to go to sleep like I told you. Your first human day might be a long one, Raphael. Here are some pants. They used to belong to me and they should fit you.”

The hothead had no desire to sleep. He had to see Leo, but he knew not to sass their master, so he took the pants and left. He’d do as he’d done many times the past few weeks. He’d slip into the leader’s room when everyone was asleep. He needed to have his Leo with him in his arms. Raphael knew that Donnie planned to separate them for several days. Maybe even weeks and he wanted to spend every minute he could with Leo before that happened. Raphael guessed his brother was angry about his disobedience and he was keen to clear that up and to beg for forgiveness.

Make-up sex with the young leader was always sensational.

It seemed like forever that he waited for his family to go to bed and he didn’t have the patience to wait for a fascinated scientist Donnie to go to bed. And anyway, Raphael was tired of the secret. He didn’t understand why he and Leo had to hide like they were guilty. He loved Leo and Leo loved him and if their family couldn’t accept it- _which he didn’t see why-_ he didn’t care.

That was one of the reasons why he wanted to flee the sewers and the lair. He and Leo had no privacy. Raphael hated having to muffle his screams of pleasure when they romped between the sheets and felt frustrated that his beloved used to violence, so he’d stay quiet.

They weren’t doing anything wrong and were expressing their love for one another like other people did.

When they were humans and if they earned enough money, they could buy a house a few blocks away from Donnie and Mikey for just the two of them. Raphael didn’t want to move to another state. He just wanted them to have privacy.

Raphael got up after waiting for three hours, which was a feat in itself (patience wasn’t one of his virtues), and headed to Leo’s room. His heart sank as soon as he touched the handle. The door was locked, which hadn’t been the case for two months. Fearless must be more irate than he’d thought. He consoled himself by telling himself that sex would be better then. He knocked on the door and took the risk of softly calling his brother and lover.

“Leo. Hey, Leo.”

There was no answer.

Raphael frowned and knocked a little harder. It wasn’t like Leo to sulk. The leader generally hated unresolved conflicts. Okay. Leo was incensed, but he was starting to be. It was impossible that his brother hadn’t heard him. The knocking would have woken him up, even if he’d been asleep because Leo was a light sleeper and he must have known that Raphael would join him in his bed like he’d done for the past few weeks. The son of a bitch had purposely ignored Raphael!

As usual, anger clouded his mind and judgment and Raphael banged on the door and yelled, “Leo, I’ll break the door down if you don’t let me in.”

Raphael didn't care about discretion. He saw no point in keeping their secret relationship any longer. Everyone would now finally know about it and he could kiss Leo and could publically display his affection for him if he wanted to.

He kept banging on the door and Leo finally opened it. Leo stiffened when he saw Raphael and glared at him.

“Why are you trying to break down my door at four a.m.? “ Leo demanded and tried to keep his face neutral. Raphael wasn’t fooled. He knew his brother was fuming. The expected reaction didn’t unsettle him. He knew how to press Fearless’s buttons and how to infuriate him so much, he’d explode, he’d let off his steam and then they’d have incredible angry sex.

 

“I wanted you to see my transformation, Leo, and for you to know that you’re going to have to shake your ass to keep the attention of a hot guy like me.”

It was pure provocation and bullshit. Raphael had no intention of fucking or loving anyone else. Besides, he’d seen himself and the boasting was just meant to make Leo react. Raphael had neither been satisfied or disappointed at his new reflection. Just intrigued. He’d been pleased that he hadn’t lost much muscle mass and he could now see his pectorals, abs, and trapezes without his carapace. His body was, therefore, more developed. He had no opinion about his face and anyway, what he thought about himself didn’t matter. Only what Leo thought mattered.

Leo raked his eyes over him and said indifferently after what Raphael thought was an excruciatingly long time, “I saw.”

The cold response wasn’t what Raphael had expected. He’d thought he’d get reproaches or a sermon and the reaction troubled him. He tried to hide it and to pretend everything was normal. He ignored the leader’s silence and changed the topic to a hot one.

He confidently strode into the room, flexed his muscles and said, “Fearless, did you know I’m a virgin again with my new body? How about punching my V-card?”

His lascivious suggestion aroused a disgusted look from the leader. Fearless had never acted that way towards him before. Raphael was shaken and stammered, “What? What’s going on, Leo? You don’t want me anymore?”

"No! Of course not! You’re a human now, Raph, and also a stranger. You don't look and sound like yourself. It’s unnerving! Not to mention I’m furious with you!” Leo retorted, his blue eyes flashing.

Raphael narrowed his eyes, the familiar anger he used to hide how hurt he was, igniting. Leo had just said that he didn’t desire him anymore. He’d gone through the painful process of transformation for them, so surely Leo was bluffing and didn’t know what he was saying. A vein in his forehead pulsed and he tried to calm himself down. Things were already heated and he didn’t need to worsen the situation by exploding in rage.

“Spare me the lecture, Fearless. I understand you’re mad at me and you don’t want me, because of my new body, but you’ll also become human and you’ll change your mind,” Raphael said fiercely, trying to convince himself because the opposite hurt too much to imagine. Leo stayed silent and Raphael said, “You’ll become a human too, right, Leo?” Leo said nothing and Raphael said insistently, “You can’t leave me like this! What’s the point of becoming human if you’re not with me?”

"Point? The point,” Leo snapped.” Is that I repeatedly told you that it was a bad idea, but it was your choice. You thought that becoming human was so important that you didn’t care what I felt about it or what my apprehensions were.”

“How can you say that? It was for you. For us!” Raphael defended himself, outraged.

“No, Raph. It was for you! You said you wanted to explore other possibilities because you deserved better. You can look for a new partner now that you’re human.”

Raphael was stunned by the insinuation. Leo had entirely distorted his words and intentions. And worst of all, the leader seemed to believe what he was saying.

He composed himself, and feeling indignant, he marched up to his brother, pressed his body against Leo’s and bent down to look intently into Leo’s eyes.

Living up to his nickname, Leo didn’t flinch under the intimidating gaze that’d have made many cower in fear and Raphael couldn’t help feeling a bit proud that he had a brother and a lover, who was so brave. It was one of the things Raphael liked about the Fearless Leader. He was the only one, who confronted him and who didn’t back off when he was intimidating. Leo after all also had as passionate a nature as his beneath his cool and controlled exterior. That’s what made them soulmates.  How could Leo believe someone else compared to him and that Raphael wanted them? Raphael had always known that no one could touch him like the leader could. They were made for each other. Leo knew that!

“Where’d you get the idea I was looking for someone else, huh?” Raphael growled. “You know I love you.”

Maybe Leo didn’t know that. He’d never told him before, but right now his emotions were like a roller coaster. He’d never quarreled like this with his brother before and he was completely shaken. Maybe Leo would be moved by the confession and everything would be okay.

Unfazed, Leo said, “Yes. You may have preferred me warming up your bed to Mikey or Donnie, but how do I know you won’t find anyone else? Anyway, you don’t really love me, Raph. You liked having sex with me because it was a different way of unleashing your aggressiveness when you tired of the punching bag. I was your sexual frustration outlet.” Raphael opened his mouth to fiercely deny it, but Leo cut him off and said, “There’s no love without trust. You proved that I couldn’t trust you. You lied to me and manipulated me and you manipulated Donnie into disobeying me. You forced everyone’s hand and you went behind my back. One doesn’t act that way with someone they love.”

Unable to contain his rage, which increased, as he listened to Leo speak, Raphael punched the wall that was two inches from Leo’s head a few times. Then he exploded and said to the stoic leader, who was used to his outbursts, “Fuck you, Leo. If that’s what you want, then you have it. April will be here soon to get me. I’m out of here.”

Raphael felt like his heart had shattered into what felt like a million pieces. He’d have liked to have said other things to Leo, like explaining that he’d only undergone the transformation, so he could give Leo a better life. And he’d have liked to have told Leo he loved him, how much he cared for him, that he was the most important person in his universe and that he was sorry for everything.

But while clenching his fists, his right hand’s knuckles bloody, he could only spit gall. He was suffering so much, he was unable to properly manage his emotions and to express them. He was only able to express hatred, even though he didn’t feel it, so that Leo suffered at least a hundredth of what he suffered.

“Fuck you, Fearless,” Raphael hissed. “I’ll follow your advice and will find someone, who’s less boring and who isn’t as high maintenance.”

Unable to bear the sight of his ex-lover any longer, fearing that he was about to burst into tears and to beg, he turned on his heels, feeling absolutely devastated and that his world had crumbled.

He didn’t see Leo’s eyes fill with tears or hear him murmur, “Raph, what did you do?”

Raphael headed to his room, taking great strides, and slammed the door behind him. He immediately threw up into his waste paper basket.

He’d felt intense nausea since leaving the tank and he’d only managed to ignore it by distracting himself with his excitement. Now that there was no promise of a happy new life with Leo, he was overwhelmed with anxiety and all he felt was bile and tears.

When it seemed like he’d finished puking, his hair dirty and his eyes red with his tears, he raised his head. His heart pounded and his forehead throbbed, unable to believe the reality that had hit him like a train.

Leo had broken up with him.

He gave a stifled moan, not even screaming his rage like he’d liked to have done.

Leo had dumped him. He’d become human to love Leo, like he deserved, and had suffered more than he’d ever done before to accomplish that. And Leo had broken up with him.

Leo had dumped him without giving him time to explain and without giving him the opportunity to tell him that he’d wanted them to become human so that he could bring Leo to Central Park to go for walks hand-in-hand, because Leo deserved to live and experience things in broad daylight. All his life, Raphael had seen his brother daydreaming when he’d read travel books. He wanted to give Leo the opportunity to touch the Great Wall in China or to climb Mount Fuji. It wasn’t about himself, but Fearless hadn’t wanted to listen and had ended their relationship.

Staggered, Raphael barely found the strength to throw himself into his hammock, wanting nothing more than curling up and dying there.

He’d been crazy in love with Leo for at least six years. His passion had gone through a wide range of emotions, ranging from denial to false indifference and through anger and depression. The night he’d had the courage, thanks to drunkenness, to make a rather transparent understatement of his feelings, Leo had taken him by surprise by confessing he felt the same way about him. The loving embraces that had followed had been the apotheosis of Raphael’s life.

He’d let the leader take control that first evening.  It wasn't a carefully thought out personal choice. He’d done it, because his emotions were so strong and because he wasn’t sure that he could sufficiently calm his nerves and give Leo a good time.

The first time had been painful, despite how gentle and tender Leo was. If it had been anyone else than his brother, a sore Raphael would have hit him in the face, but it was Leo, who he’d wanted for so long and he trusted him.

He was able to steel his nerves the next time and took the reins and he thought that nothing was so intoxicating as pleasuring his brother. Leo’s stoic look was no more. His face was flushed with pleasure, as he moaned and they gave into their animal desire. Raphael had never felt so proud knowing he’d caused his brother’s true nature to come out.

Raphael had been sincerely happy since then for the first time in his life. He and Leo had, of course, argued several times since, but Raphael thought that even the quarrels tasted sweet.

But Leo had broken up with him and he hadn’t found the wounds or gestures to make him reconsider his decision. Nothing made sense anymore and he couldn’t think of a reason for him to leave the hammock.

Ideas swirled in his mind and Raphael tried to convince himself that Leo would see things differently once he was human. The problem was that Leo seemed to be reluctant to transform. The sai bearer would be alone if Leo refused and remained disgusted by Raphael’s human form.

Raphael looked down, hating the pink skin that had turned his lover away from him. He gazed at his sai and suddenly had an urge. He needed to stab something. He was about to stab himself and to express all of the rage that consumed him, when a knock sounded on the door.

For a brief moment, his heart stopped, as he hoped to hear Leo’s soft voice asking for forgiveness on the other side of the door. He was bitterly disappointed when he recognized Mikey’s voice.

“Raph,” Mikey said. “April’s here. We have to go.”

Raphael angrily wiped his tears away with the back of his hand. Oh yeah. April. Leaving. He’d almost forgotten that a place on the surface awaited him. He didn’t know if it was for the best. He couldn’t bear to live with the leader if all intimate relations were now prohibited. But, on the other hand, leaving was blowing any chance of quickly making up. Absence is always wrong and he feared that Leo would drift away entirely from him during their separation.

But his brother would be human when they were reunited and surely the desire and love would quickly grow again in Leo’s heart. It had to. Meanwhile, Raphael would have done well topside and would have found some romantic places to bring Leo to and the leader would melt like butter.

Raphael opened the door for Mikey, his grief still etched on his face. Mikey asked about it and reminded him that everything they’d always wanted was now available to them and they could see a sunrise and could walk in the streets completely free.

Not listening, Raphael didn’t reply and was about to walk past Mikey. The youngest gripped his arm and said, “Yo, dude. Don’t you find it weird that you’re so brown and I’m blond? We don’t look like we’re brothers. Donnie said it’ll take him two days to analyze our samples and that there are physical differences among siblings, but to such a degree is rare. He said that we can’t be from the same family and it’s only a nought point seven chance of that being the case. It hurt me, Raph. I mean, you’ll stay my brother, right?

“Yeah, yeah. This won’t change a damn thing,” Raphael whispered, his mind elsewhere, but feeling his little brother’s pain.

“D also says he looked at my bone structure and everything and thinks I’m fifteen. I can’t work and help with bills. I have to go to school, otherwise, we’ll have problems. Can you believe it? I’m going to school and I’m going to meet sexy human girls everywhere I go!”

The boy’s sudden enthusiasm briefly touched Raphael. Yes. Mikey would surely be happy. Raphael clenched his fists when he arrived in the living room, determined that he and Leo would be happy too.

Mentally planning how he’d seduce Leo, he barely listened to the information April and Donnie were telling him and Mikey.

In short, Raphael understood that Chief Vincent had kept her promises. The city of NY, owned a triplex of which the former owner was in prison for fraud. One in three units was empty. The brothers could stay there and collect rent from the other two tenants. The rent was signed.

“We’ll have a free roof over our heads and money to start our new lives on the surface,” Donnie said enthusiastically. “The only problem is that Chief Vincent didn’t think about Master Splinter. Our apartment only has four bedrooms.”

April said, “You have no idea of the cost of rent. It’s expensive for four bedrooms and three bathrooms like you’re going to have. You’ll just have to take turns on the futon.”

Raphael looked up and said, “I’m not sleeping on a futon. Fuck that. Leo and I’ll share a room!”

Silence followed and Leo entered the room.

To Raphael’s immense relief, he didn’t voice any disagreement about Raphael’s daring statement.

“We’ll see when Donnie and I are there,” Leo simply said.

But that in itself was great news, Raphael encouraged himself. Leo had confirmed he’d transform and he hadn’t refused his offer of sharing a bed.

Raphael tried not to look too thrilled, so he wouldn’t displease his brother.

Lost in his positive thoughts, Raphael didn’t listen to Donnie until Donnie called him out for it.

“Raph!” Donnie said. “It’s important you listen. You’re Mikey’s legal guardian for at the moment. You have to register him for high school tomorrow and enroll him in grade nine. He’s old enough to be in tenth grade, but he knows nothing about geography, literature or algebra. We have to give him a chance to keep up the pace. You’re equally ignorant, but you’re too old to attend school. You’ll start at the police academy tomorrow. Chief Vincent’s made arrangements to make it a lot easier for you and Leo. You have to undergo general training for a month. Then they’ll give you an aptitude test to know what unit you’ll best perform in. Then you’ll undergo one month of specialized training. She didn’t think it’s necessary to extend your training beyond that because you’re experienced fighters and you morality’s flawless.”

What Raphael especially remembered from this speech was that he and Leo would work together. He nodded, satisfied with the idea and Don believed in his approval and understanding of the situation.

"Why don't you and Leo come with us right away? Why wait, Donnie?” Michelangelo asked and whined, “We’ve never been apart before.”

Raphael agreed with him. He didn't want to gamble on Leo and Donnie's health, but it was still painful. It’d always been the four of them since their mutation.

Donnie sighed and said, “I’ve already explained the situation to you, Mikey! We don't know the long-term effects of the mutagen or its stability yet. That’s why you had to wait. I have to finish my tests here and to look in on you guys twice a week to see if there are any variables in your new genetic code. These things take time. You don’t want to endanger mine and Leo’s lives, right?”

Mikey shook his head and April urged them to hurry before too many people were on the surface and they were spotted leaving the sewers. Mikey, who was extremely affectionate, hugged his brothers, who’d remained turtles. Leo hugged him for a long time. Then he pulled away, kissed him on the forehead and told him what to do at school, even though he knew nothing about it.

Raphael briefly hugged Donnie. Then he turned to his older brother. He yearned to press his body against Leo’s and to kiss him.

He hugged Leo, who although he returned the embrace, was stiff.

Grieved by Leo’s coldness, Raphael murmured, “See you topside, Fearless. And I swear I'll find a way to get you back. I won't give up. What I said earlier was pure bullshit.”

Leo gently pulled away and his blue eyes shone with tears.

Raphael would have liked a whispered tender answer meant only for him, but Leo didn’t do that.

“Be careful, Raphael,” Leo said. “Don’t hesitate to ask for help if you’re in trouble,” Leo added and put something in Raphael’s hand and closed his fist around it.

April tugged Raphael by the hand, spoiling their moment, and said, “Put on this T-shirt, Raph, and hurry up. We have an appointment with Chef Vincent at seven a.m."

After shooting a last pained look at his brother, Raphael followed, regretting with all his heart that he was leaving his brother behind.

Not giving a damn about the pseudo-secret about their relationship, Raphael shouted, “I’ll wait for you, Leo!”

It was only later when he opened his hand that he saw what Leo had placed in it.

It was a red bandanna.


	2. The girl next-door

Donnie stared blankly at the result on the screen. He knew this discovery wasn't a disaster, but fear and horror made his blood run cold. He hadn’t expected it. He probably wouldn’t have acceded to his brothers’ desire to become human if he’d known the outcome. The result of Mikey’s tests wasn’t spectacular because his donor seemed to be anonymous, but he was Raphael’s responsibility right now and was alone with him.

  
“Something new?” Leo asked. “You look thoughtful.”

  
Hearing his brother’s voice, Donnie almost jumped out of his shell. He quickly shut down the page he’d been looking at on his computer.

  
“Uh, yes, Leo,” Don said. “In fact, my theory’s been proven right. We probably all came from the same clutch of eggs when we were turtles. Mikey and Raph mutated from the human DNA of distinct donors. Human re-mutation’s shed light on this genetic background. Their code has become almost identical, at ninety-nine-point-eight percent, to their donor. Raph and Mikey aren’t brothers at all as humans, because they’re not the same. They aren’t even of the same ethnic origin to be more precise.”

  
“We’ll always be brothers, but I can see that isn’t what’s bothering you. What’s going on, Don?”

  
“Uh. Raph’s donor’s a criminal.”

  
The leader was silent for a minute. Then he said, “So what? We’ve always known that Raph was a bad boy, who’d have been locked up for juvenile delinquency at least twenty times on the surface. I don’t see why you’re surprised. Anyway, I trust Raph and the education he’s received with us to stay away from real trouble. "

  
Don forced a smile on his face and gave reason to his brother. After all, it was just genetics. Raphael hadn’t had a traumatic childhood and hadn’t prematurely witnessed criminal acts of violence. Had he? He’d always been a fierce defender of the weak and oppressed and was sensitive to justice. His parental role models were Leo and Splinter. Reaching the level of morality of such perfect models was difficult.  
No. Raphael would never end up in an electric chair, like his donor had because he’d murdered, tortured and raped more than 80 people, even if he shared his donor’s DNA.  
Raphael was bipolar and sensitive, but he’d never commit a crime. Wasn’t he at the Police Academy right now?

  
Donnie might have reasoned with himself, but he still had a bad feeling. Even though he’d seen Raphael the day before and wasn’t supposed to see him until Friday, he had to go there NOW.

  
It’d been three weeks and two days and Raphael couldn’t wait any longer. Everything contributed to make him itchy for a fight. He was forced to listen to the fucking useless lecture about what a law enforcement officer could and couldn’t do. Hey! He hadn’t listened to Leo when he’d lectured him on “the attitude to have”. That little idiot lecturer wasn’t going to tell him what to do when he wasn’t even worthy of polishing the Fearless leader’s boots! Raphael was surrounded by rookies, who eagerly listened, and who were taking notes! Kissing asses and licking boots had never been one of his abilities and that wasn’t going to change! Anyway, he didn’t belong in a classroom. His place was in the field and he could make a real difference against crime with Leo with their new positions as cops.

  
When would the Fearless leader have Dr. Donnie’s permission to take the plunge? Raphael was fed up. He’d told Don the day before when a more nervous and anxious Don than usual had come for his tests.

  
“Shit, Donnie. I’m fucking sick and tired of waiting! What’s the fucking point of waiting again? I’m fucking fine! There’s no damn danger. Bring Fearless next time! I’ll commit a massacre in three days’ time if I have to go the Academy without Leo!”  
Don had looked at him thoughtfully, his mahogany eyes very serious and had said, “Soon.”

  
Raphael slept poorly without Leo. Chastity was hard and every daily action, even the most harmless, seemed painful to him, besides, he had to deal with Mikey on his own and that was enough to set his nerves on edge. The kid was a ball of energy and even worse as a human. Raphael didn’t have the patience of a saint like his brother and he was extremely furious. He’d also told Donnie that before his last exam.

  
“I’m seriously on the verge of smashing Mikey’s head in, Donnie,” Raphael had said. “I’m fed up with him talking about his pseudo-love interest at school! He’s annoying and a pain in the ass.”

  
Raphael had left his boring classes and had just arrived home. He had to call Leo. He hadn’t spoken to him once in three weeks and he was going crazy.  
It was 4 p.m. and Mikey had volleyball, which he did on Tuesdays. It was amazing how quickly the kid had adapted. Raphael doubted he was as well integrated, as he claimed, but he was having so much difficulty adjusting to his own reality, he was unable to really help his little brother.

  
He opened the apartment door and went inside without looking around. He’d left his classes early, because of a migraine. It was one headache after another and Raphael wondered it was a human thing. His only brief moment of exaltation had been about the apartment and the view he had from his room on the top floor. He’d loved the room, but then he thought that it was hell, because no matter how pretty the view or the background was, life made no sense without his brother.  
Raphael had a headache and it seemed to be too frequent, since his new mutation. He headed to the bathroom to get a pain pill. Then out of nowhere, he heard a voice.

  
“Your classes at the Academy were supposed to finish at four thirty. Why are you home now?”

  
Raphael turned his heard so quickly in the direction of the voice, he heard his neck crack. He only saw the back of a head and black hair. Leo didn’t even bother to turn around to reprimand his brother.

  
"Leo?" Raphael said in a strangled voice.

  
Leo finally turned around and Raphael was shocked to see the familiar blue eyes in a totally foreign face. He was very handsome, Raphael immediately thought, but the new appearance confused him. He felt like he was being unfaithful to the real Leo by finding the stranger attractive. Was that how Leo had felt when he’d first seen him? If so, he understood the leader’s mixed feelings.

  
“What are you doing here?” Raphael asked, using his old technique of answering a question with a question. He leaped over the couch to embrace his brother, ecstatic to see him.

  
“Donnie told me you needed me,” Leo whispered.

  
“Yeah,” Raphael said, overcome with emotion, his head buried in the raven hair. “Yeah. I needed you. I need you. "

  
He kissed Leo’s forehead and then his lips, kissing more chastely than he wanted to, but he was afraid of spoiling everything by being impatient.

  
“I missed you,” Raphael said after the kiss.

  
Leo smiled and said, “I missed you too.”

  
It was a green light for Raphael. He pushed the ex-leader back onto the couch and Leo removed his steel grey shirt and smiled complacently.  
Raphael was in complete bliss, despite his sticky abdomen that’d been soiled by the four orgasms Leo had given him in the past 90 minutes. His older brother preferred this position and Raphael didn't complain about letting the former leader take command. He lay exhausted on his chest and then fell asleep. He was finally at peace and satisfied, the itching need to have Leo close to him fulfilled.

  
Raphael had fallen asleep with a happy smile on his lips, his brother’s warm body pressed against him and smelling Leo’s familiar woody scent.

  
“Shit. What the fuck, Leo?” he asked sleepily when Leo sat up and reached for his clothes.

  
“Mikey,” Leo said and quickly grabbed his jeans.

  
Raphael closed his eyes, not understanding what his brother meant, the cause of his rush or what his little brother was doing.  
A youthful voice suddenly spoke on the other side of the front door.

  
“Raph? It’s me. I lost the keys. I know you threatened to smash my teeth out if I lost them a fifth time, but please open up and let me in.”

  
Leo glared reproachfully at the naked man, who was still on the ground. Raphael opened his mouth to say something to defend himself. After all, this was the fifth time in three weeks that the kid had lost his keys and Leo knew better than anyone that Raphael wasn’t good at being patient.  
Leo spoke before he could say anything.

  
“Go shower,” Leo whispered. “You stink of sex and the sperm on your belly’s not dry.”

  
“Well, I’m going to wipe myself clean and then I’ll put on my boxers,” Raphael said nonchalantly and reached for the tissue box.

  
Leo pushed the box away. Then he buttoned up his shirt and said, “Go shower. Mikey’s not quick-witted, but this is obvious. Hurry up.”

  
Raphael now understood and his face darkened in rage. His aggression escalated too quickly and powerfully so that he could try something to fight back.

  
“Kiss my ass,” Raphael snapped. “I’m going nowhere. You won’t hide me like I’m someone, who’s diseased like you did in the sewers.”

  
Leo nervously fastened his buttons, feeling unsettled, despite being used to Raphael’s explosive temper. He immediately changed tactics and attempted a calmer approach.

  
“Raph, please,” Leo begged. “Not now. We’ve just reunited and I don’t want to argue. I don’t want to tell Mikey so abruptly. He’s had enough changes in his life. Donnie knows that should be enough for you for now.”

  
Leo’s imploring blue eyes were enough to temper Raphael’s anger, even though he still felt enraged.

  
“Let’s be clear, Leo,” Raphael said. “I didn’t want to become human and bear all this shit, so that we’ll continue living like lepers. I’m giving you two weeks max.”

  
The dark-haired young quickly shook his head, eager to end the situation and feeling nervous about the repeated knocking on the door and about the youngest brother’s whining.  
Incensed, Raphael headed to the bathroom. He soaped himself under the hot shower spray washing away the traces of their lovemaking and blamed himself for his bad mood. Why had he suddenly snapped? His impatience was worse since he’d become a human. He blamed his emotional instability on the void caused by Leo’s absence. Now that his beloved was back in his arms, everything would return to normal. He only had to be a little more patient. Leo had, after all, promised him an ultimate delay of two weeks. Their secret would be revealed after the deadline had passed and he could finally achieve his and Leo’s wishes.

  
Raphael was optimistic again when he left the bathroom. He smiled at Mikey, who was no doubt rambling about his high school prowess to Leo. The scene moved him and his heart swelled with joy. He was happy letting Mikey talk about it now that Leo had returned and he didn’t fear about his physical integrity as much. “Raphie was a monster. I mean, even more than usual.” No. That remark didn’t affect him. He even smiled at it.  
Leo was with him. They were together and soon everyone would know about them. There’d be no more shameful secret.

  
Mikey enthusiastically said he’d prepare a welcome meal for Leo and said that it’d be the best, since he was now able to choose from a wide variety of fresh produce.  
A knock sounded on the door.

  
Raphael, who’d been about to show his big brother their room, grunted in frustration. Leo placed a hand on his brother’s shoulder to calm him down and told him not to move.

  
“Leave it. I’ll take care of it,” Leo said in a soft, but firm voice, which was almost the same one he used in bed when he encouraged Raphael to cum.

  
Raphael stayed where he was and let Leo open the door.

  
Leo opened the door and Raphael recognized their neighbor, Tracy or Terry or Tamy. He wasn’t exactly sure what her name was. The busty and trashy looking blonde popped over almost every day to ask them something. Mikey had teased Raphael when the bimbo had been over for the third time and had asked Raphael to open a jar or pickles or whatever and had said that the woman was surely hitting on him. The harmless teasing had pissed off the tanned man.

  
“Shut up, Mikey! I want nothing to do with that bitch!” Raphael had yelled.

  
Raphael had seen the fear in Mikey’s eyes and had regretted his explosion. It was just Mikey joking around and it wasn’t worth it to allow himself to get in such a state. He lost his cool so frequently now. It was no doubt due to the shock of the metamorphosis, rupture and adapting to his new life.

  
Raphael had, as a precaution, never spoken to the girl. He just opened the door and bellowed for Mikey to take care of it, not giving a damn about the blonde’s disappointed look. Anyway, she was a whore, who survived with the help of one or many sugar daddies. April had been right. The rent was extremely high and it was impossible the woman could afford such a luxurious apartment without help.  
Leo, of course, knew nothing about the near harassment and politely greeted the visitor.

  
“Good evening. What can I do for you?"

  
“Oh. Good evening. Sorry I didn’t know Mr. Johnson had visitors."

  
Raphael felt his anger ignite, as he saw the woman study his brother with interest. He quickly got between them.

  
"It's not a visit. This is my big brother, Leo. He’s home and he’s the owner of the building. And he hates intrusions in our privacy,” Raphael snarled.

  
The girl’s eyes flew wide, as she watched them back and forth. Raphael knew very well what she was thinking. She’d already asked Mikey what their relationship was and was very surprised to learn that they were brothers, given the absolute lack of similarity between them. Leo didn't look like he was Raphael's brother either. He was taller than Mikey, about 6' 1, but smaller than Raphael. Leonardo looked to be about the same age as him, in his mid-twenties. His hair was an intense raven-black with almost bluish tints, bringing out his Scandinavian whiteness. The girl-next-door had thought that Raphael was "a Brazilian model," because of his tanned complexion, which had made Mikey mock him for days on end. Leo looked a little more like the youngest, with his blue eyes, but are they brothers when one’s hair is so black and the other’s blond and almost ginger?

  
Whatever she thought about his eldest brother, Raphael wanted her to quickly leave.

  
“You at least have beauty in common,” the woman said stupidly.

  
The group remained there by the door, uncertain. Raphael on the defensive, ready to intervene, Leo, who was embarrassed about his brother and the young woman feeling almost intimidated.  
Leo softly asked again, too softly for Raphael’s liking, what she wanted. She told him that a horrible spider was in her shower.  
Leo gave a small smile and offered to get rid of the beast.

  
Raphael quickly intervened and said, “No. I’ll go.”

  
The woman looked at them dubiously and then studied Raphael with interest. It was obvious she now preferred him.

  
Leo protested, “Raph, but you're afraid of ..."

  
Raphael didn’t allow him to finish his sentence. He grabbed the girl by her elbow and marched her down the corridor to her apartment. They went inside and there was no arachnid, like he’d thought. He didn’t listen to her explanations and shoved her against the wall, placing the blade of the knife he always had on him to her jugular. He pressed just hard enough to cause a trickle of blood.

  
"You don't approach my brother,” Raphael snarled. “You leave us alone. Him and me. I don't want to see your bitch ass in our apartment. My brother’s too good for a slut like you and he's already taken. You understand? "

  
The woman squeaked in terror and not daring to move her head, just blinked to signify she agreed.

  
“I have another brother coming soon. Donnie’s his name. You talk to him if you want to pay the rent or talk shit about your apartment. He’s not stupid and I don’t care who he fucks. But I advise you to move. I’ll slit your throat if you don’t and if I catch you bothering my brother. Don’t test me. It’s not a threat, but a promise.”

  
Raphael suddenly smelled an acrid aroma. He looked down and noticed that the woman had been so afraid, she’d urinated. He wrinkled his nose in revulsion and frantically left.

  
What had happened? Had he threatened to slaughter their renter? It wasn't like him. He blinked. He didn't know if it was a common side effect of his transformation, but he often had dizziness and blurred vision, as if he was looking through broken glass. A splitting headache followed it. He’d spoken to Donnie about it, but only vaguely. Maybe he hadn’t insisted enough. Well, he only had to take headache pills, or maybe stronger stuff, like for a migraine. It was annoying as hell.

  
He arrived at the apartment and his eyes landed on his big brother, who looked anxious.

  
"Are you okay, Raph? You didn't have to do that. You’re as white as a ghost. I could have killed it,” Leo said.

  
Raphael thought for a brief moment that Leo was talking about the tenant. Then he realized Leo meant the spider.  
He didn't answer Leo’s question and instead asked Mikey when dinner would be ready.

  
“In more or less forty minutes,” Mikey replied, bending down and looking in the oven to check on the progress of the meal. Raphael smiled. He had time to show Leo their apartment and their bedroom.

  
“Come on, Leo,” Raphael said. “I haven’t shown you our room.”

  
Leo recognized the glow on his brother’s face and shook his head as a sign of refusal. Refusing to be told no, Raphael urged his brother to come with him to their room. Leo did and Raphael shut the door behind them. Leo glanced around it and liked it. He recognized several items that had been added to please him, such as the two bonsai on the window sill. Leo had never managed to keep one in the sewers.  
Raphael’s heart swelled with satisfaction when he heard his brother’s approval of the room, but that wasn’t enough for him. He needed to feel Leo near him.

  
“Undress, Leo,” Raphael commanded, his throat dry.

  
"But, Raph, Mikey is ..."

  
“Undress,” Raphael repeated more forcefully. "You owe me for three weeks of chastity." Then more gently, he added, "We won’t do anything. I just want to feel your warmth and smell your scent. Nothing more, Leo, I swear. I missed it. You understand? "  
Leo did understand. Raphael had almost missed him and he’d sobbed into his pillow and fisted his sheets thinking of his brother away from him for three weeks. He unbuttoned his shirt and smiled complacently at his brother. After all, he was there for that, right? Donnie suspected there was more to their relationship than just brothers and he’d asked for his transformation to be expedited, so that he could quickly join his brothers on the surface. Donnie had asked him explicitly that no matter the nature of their specific binding, to keep Raphael calm and satisfied.

  
As a rule, Leo hated Donatello's medical recommendations, which often prevented him from training like he wanted, but without understanding the reason for it, he thought it was the most pleasant of prescriptions.


	3. First day at the Police Academy

The evening was perfect and the meal was succulent. Leo had been quite elusive about the reasons for his sudden arrival, but that didn't matter to Raphael. What mattered was that Leonardo was back.

Raphael was anxiously looking forward to isolating himself with the ex-leader and to caressing the new body he was still discovering. Still, the evening was far from boring and for once, exclaimed Mikey, Raphie did something else other than growling.

Indeed, Raphael was keen to show how much he knew.  He knew about life on the surface from Mikey’s tales about high school. He’d tell Leo everything he needed to know about the Academy and outside of it.

He remembered his first day at the Academy. April had wanted to accompany him, but proud, he’d refused. It wasn’t Chief Vincent, who’d greeted him, but an attendant, who’d blamed him for arriving ten minutes late.

Raphael had had to bite his tongue. It wasn’t his fault that he’d never been to the surface before. He’d stopped several times on his walk to watch the birds flying in the sky, gazing at them in awe and fascination.

It’d started badly, however, he’d swallowed down his anger and had let the attendant explain that he was undergoing advanced training because he didn’t have to do the first part as a cadet. Each month, training on police tactics, the use of firearms and less lethal alternatives, such as the electric pulse pistol or cayenne pepper began. Two days a week would be allocated to physical exercise instead of theoretical during this training. Then he’d undergo a more a specialized training, according to the skills highlighted by an aptitude test. Chief Vincent considered them exceptional beings, thought they were useful and therefore, didn’t want their talents to be wasted.

Raphael nodded mechanically, thinking that if Chief Vincent found them so exceptional, she wouldn’t have sent a simple attendant to greet him and would have sent a higher ranking cop.

He’d similarly gone to class and had felt profoundly irritated with all of the humans in a small, closed room. He’d found it all pretty annoying. He wanted to immediately shoot with his Glock and learn on his own. He’d have understood how it worked in three shots. He didn’t need a lecture on it. Most of the things that were shown seemed either to be self-evident or not to be effective enough. Similarly, he was given a book to study in the evenings to “compensate for his delay” in legislation. He shrugged and ignored the book. Leo was the brains of the operations. He’d tell him when to charge at the enemy and he would. The Fearless leader’s missions had never failed and Raphael was certain that this guy couldn’t say that. His leader knew how to avoid collateral damage and to instinctively preserve the lives of the innocent without ever having read a book on it. Why did he, who was only his second-in-command, have to do it? He didn’t have to read a book to follow orders.

Raphael realized his opinion must be reflected on his face, because he saw the instructor seemed to avoid him, like the other young policemen did. It didn’t matter to him. He ate alone outside, enjoying the sun’s warmth on his skin and preferring the sound of the wind to his colleagues’ inane chatter.  He hadn’t become human to make friends. He already had his brothers and Casey and didn’t need anyone else.

April had also tried to explain to him about life on the surface, but he’d always been the type to learn from his experiences, rather than listening to others and that was still the case now. He’d retained the essential. They were the Johnson’s, which was a common surname. The building had been allocated to Leo and everything was in his name. The credit inquiry was facilitated, because the mayor had agreed that they wouldn’t have to pay for electricity and cable for six months and they’d been given a small amount to furnish the place as a gesture of gratitude for all they’d done.

Unfortunately, the “considerable” amount had quickly disappeared and Raphael was immensely frustrated that he wasn’t able to buy everything he wanted to please his big brother. He’d never really had to worry about money when they’d lived in the sewers, partly because of Don’s genius and he began to feel fearful that he wouldn’t raise money as quickly as he’d believed he would to prepare a comfortable and independent existence for himself and Leo.

But he dismissed his gloomy thoughts, as Leo sat next to him and he caressed his thigh under the table. He thought that everything would be all right, as long as they were together. They’d been happy in the sewers with old, used objects and now that they were topside nothing could prevent them from being happy.  Yes. He’d found the human world disappointing until then and he’d have regretted his decision if his brother hadn’t joined him.

He was determined to gently introduce Leo to human life. Certainly, his three-week experience couldn’t be described as significant, but Leo was starting from scratch and Raphael was tremendously proud that he’d be educating the Fearless leader about it.

He wanted to be encouraging and he almost convinced himself when Mikey mentioned the positive aspects of human life. After all, life could only be beautiful now that Leo was with him.

“Don’t worry, Leo. I’ll explain everything and will show you tomorrow,” Raphael reassured his brother, who smiled warmly at him. He knew that Leo wasn’t a coward, but he was too fond of playing the protector role with him.

The only hitch was at bedtime, which Raphael in spite of everything, had impatiently waited for, anxious to meet the ex-leader in the privacy of their room. Mikey asked Leo if he was going to sleep upstairs in the room reserved for Master Splinter or in the basement or in Don’s room. Indeed, Raphael had given himself the largest room on the floor and had relegated Mikey to the basement. Mikey hadn’t complained, because the basement was almost the same size as the entire building, minus a tiny storage space for the other two tenants, so there was space for another room. The youngest couldn’t be happier in this Thebaid, where Raphael wouldn’t monopolize the TV. It goes without saying that Don would also be in the basement, since there was space to set up a lab.

Raphael bit his lip at Mikey’s question, his blood boiling at the suggestion that Leo would sleep anywhere than in bed with him.

“Leo’s sleeping with me,” Raphael said sharply. “Tonight and every night.” He must have been more ferocious than he’d intended to be, because Mikey curled up in his chair and Leo looked at him with wide eyes.

Raphael felt guilty about the way he’d reacted. His anger was disproportionate to the circumstances and unwarranted. He pinched the bridge of his nose, trying to regain control of his emotions, and said, “Excuse me. I’m edgy, because of the stuff at the Academy. We should go to sleep. You too, Mikey. It’s ten p.m. We were all so overjoyed to see Leo again that we forgot that we have to get up early.”

Mikey didn’t grumble, because he knew that with the ground floor separating them, his brothers wouldn’t hear the TV and his video games in the basement.

“Are you coming, Leo?” Raphael asked, extending a hand to Leo as an invitation to follow him. His tone was tender and his amorous glance was an admission, but Mikey paid them no attention.  Hesitant despite everything and still unimpressed by his brother’s behavior, Leo grabbed Raphael’s hand without comment.

Leo didn’t say a word until they were in their bedroom.

“What was that, Raphael?” Leo asked. “Was it necessary to be so aggressive? You don’t think Mikey, seeing how reluctant you are about me sleeping elsewhere will….?”

Raphael waved his arms in a dismissive gesture and said vehemently, “I don’t give a fuck whether the kid knows or not! What do you want me to do if he guesses it on his own? Don’t ask me to monitor what I say and do. I’m done faking that I love you in only a brotherly way.”

Raphael realized that what he’d said was untimely and rash, but it was if no other alternative was possible. He saw his brother frown and he tried to apologize and hugged him.

“Hey, baby,” Raphael said. “Don’t take it that way. I just wanted to be with you. It was agony without you, unbearably long. Three damn weeks of silence after the misunderstanding….”

“The misunderstanding, Raph?” Leo snapped, trying to shove him away. “You became human behind my back! You didn’t care about my feelings at the time and you still don’t. I already explained that I don’t want Mikey,” Leo explained, disengaging himself to show that he was serious.

It was too much for Raphael, who violently pushed Leo back onto the back. Leo hadn’t expected it and stared at him in shock. Raphael was exasperated by all the unnecessary obstacles that Leo caused. Couldn’t he just forget the others and be happy with him. The wait, together with his displeasure at having to hide their relationship again, as if it were shameful, made him explode.

“Shut your trap!” Raphael yelled, absolutely mad. “Mikey, Mikey. You only say his name! I’ll make you scream mine! You should only worry about me. Not Mikey, Donnie or Master Splinter! Me!” His face twisted in jealousy, while Leo was as motionless as a mouse in front of a boa.

Raphael straddled his brother to prove he was serious about his threats, nailing him to the mattress and keeping his wrists above his head. Leo didn’t struggle. Instead, he lay there, his blue eyes wide in shock, and didn’t move. Raphael had never seen such an expression on his normally stoic brother before and that was enough to make him back off. He held his head in his hands, the migraine occurring again. What had he done? Raphael had never laid a hand on Leo or addressed him so aggressively since the beginning of their relationship. He blinked, disoriented. He knew their relationship was still fragile and what had happened wouldn’t strengthen his position with Leo. What if the girl next door complained to Leo about his behavior? Fearless would be pissed off. He had to regain control of himself, but with the headaches and introspection already difficult for him to do, it was almost impossible.

“Fearless….” Raphael began.

He stopped, confused, clenching his fists in helplessness. He closed his eyes, trying to stem the flood of tears, anguish and the regret that threatened to overwhelm him. He always had to ruin everything. A hand tenderly caressing his cheek astonished him.

“Raphael, let’s forget this. Sleep. I want to be in good shape tomorrow. I don’t want to make you feel ashamed of me,” Leo murmured and planted a chaste kiss on his lips.

The tenderness from the former leader relieved Raphael and soothed him. That was why he loved Leo so much. He understood him in so many ways and knew how to calm him down with only a look. The joke, the possibility that Leo could shame him, made him smile. He feared the opposite.

“Yes, Leo,” Raphael agreed, eagerly joining him under the duvet. He took Leo in his arms, wanting to lavish affection on him in a more acceptable way and smelling the dark hair, which caused a stirring inside of him. A stirring he didn’t know how to explain, but which made him feel like a beast was lurking inside of him, waiting to be unleashed. The agitation he’d felt for the past few weeks had calmed down now that Leo was with him and was replaced by the desire to sleep or to make love. Strangely, it was the first option he wanted. He’d slept so badly lately and had sleep to catch up on. Listening to Leo’s gentle breathing, Raphael thought he was about to fall asleep.  Raphael thought, as he stroked Leo’s hair, that Leo felt the same way about him that they were two sides of the same coin, soul mates, one half of each other and that they needed one another to feel complete and happy. Leo looked so peaceful and relaxed in his arms. He’d be able to control his emotions that had been out of control now that Leo was close to him.

Yes, Raphael thought before he fell asleep. Tomorrow was another day and a beautiful one, because he’d spend it entirely it with Leo and without a pesky little brother’s interference.

Raphael woke up to greedy lips in the crook of his neck and to a skilled hand on his already hard cock. He opened his eyes and stretched. He smiled at Leo and glanced at the time. It was only 6 a.m., which was enough time for tenderness and then a passionate romp. They had to be at the Academy at eight and it was a 20-minutes drive.

“Um, Fearless,” Raphael said. “Your way of waking me up is nicer than an alarm clock.”

Leo smiled and hungrily kissed his lips. “The human body has advantages, I can now molest you as I wish,” he said and winked.

Raphael enthusiastically returned the kiss, loving when his brother was in a playful mood. He broke it and asked, “Do I understand that you find finally find this form of me attractive?”

Leo’s smile briefly vanished. Then he cupped his brother’s face with a hand and said sincerely, “Raphael, I’ll always love you no matter what you look like. The rest doesn’t matter, as long as you stay yourself, loyal, loving and honest inside.”

Moved by Leo’s intense gaze and his words, Raphael smiled. “Always, Fearless,” Raphael promised and puckered up his lips for a kiss. Their lips met and Raphael fell back and shuddered in delight, as Leo’s hand roamed lower and stroked his cock. He tried to grab his brother’s cock. Leo was right. The external genitalia was an added value.

He quickly cummed, thanks to his brother’s experienced hand, his essence spraying Leo’s hand. It always took longer for Leo, who found it hard to empty his mind, which was needed to orgasm.

Raphael took Leo’s cock in his mouth. Leo had always loved oral sex when he’d been a turtle. He hadn’t given a blow job as a human to Leo before and he wondered if the ex-leader still tasted like a reptile. He was burning to find out.

Leo groaned contentedly, but needed to hear his brother take him. Leo had always stifled his moans at the lair, so no one would hear his cries of pleasure. He’d done the same thing the day before, even though they were alone, unlike Raphael, who’d let himself go. Seeing the former leader lose his legendary self-control tempted him. The little he’d formerly seen fuelled his recent fantasies.

After wetting his fingers, Raphael inserted one into his brother without much gentleness. His lover had a weakness for pain mixed with his pleasure, which suited him. Raphael, who was already a bit impatient, was even more so when an interesting spectacle unfolded before his eyes. Leo was the ideal partner, calling for minimal preparation.

Raphael knew precisely where his lover's prostate was and how to stimulate it, despite his partner's protests. He didn’t know why, but Leo was kind of shy to be seen like this. Raphael thought it was stupid, because Leo was never more beautiful than when he was tense like a bow and his face flushed with pleasure, like he was now.

The whole body of the former leader arched, his eyes hooded, his mouth open in a silent cry, as he cummed in his partner’s mouth.

Raphael lovingly licked up the traces of their pleasure and savored his brother’s silky skin. Rediscovering the body and penetrating it again would be wonderful. Leo tasted the same, but his smell had changed. Strangely, Raphael found him even more enticing than before. He also loved the hair, he decided, as he grazed the bush above Leo’s cock. It was the same hue as his hair, but not as thick.

Leo was exhausted after his mind-blowing and intense orgasm and was too weak to protest when Raphael slowly explored his body with a finger, learning each curve and hollow with the delicacy of a mother with her newborn or of an archaeologist unraveling a pharaonic mummy.

"I love you so much,” Raphael whispered, surprised by the softness of his voice that was almost shy.

 

Leo's lascivious eyes shone, as he beamed and he held out his arms for his brother to snuggle against him, which he eagerly did.

A few moments passed, as they embraced. Then Leo murmured, unsure of how to formulate his question, “Tell me ... during this ... break ... did you ... do that with someone else?”

Raphael lifted his head from his brother's chest. “You’re crazy. Why would I do that?" he protested, outraged. Then before his lover could answer, he sat down abruptly, looked at his lover and said in a low voice, “Did you?”

“No!” Leo said quickly. “I was just saying that ... If you wanted a human ... Since you're so handsome ...”

Raphael relieved of the anguish that had crushed his heart for a moment, smiled and said teasingly, “You were jealous?”

Leonardo blushed and said, “Not jealous ... Just a little worried. That's all."

“There’s no need to worry, Fearless. I don’t want women, men or mutants. I only want you. You don’t have to worry. Nobody compares to you.” He kissed Leo and added, “So, it’s confirmed then? Am I handsome?” He asked for a laugh, but he was still happy with the compliment

Leo grinned contentedly, lowering his eyes, his eyes still telling a volume about his appreciation of his brother's physique. “I love you,” he whispered.  He’d cursed himself for his bad temper in the sewers and had feared that a cute girl would replace him in his brother’s heart. Relieved and convinced, knowing that his brother was usually honest, he calmed down and kissed his brother again. Then he checked the time and said, "It’s already seven ten and we still have to shower and eat. We’d better get going or we’ll be late.”

Raphael made a reassuring gesture and said, “Relax, Leo. We’ll shower together and there are plenty of places we can have a quick breakfast at on the way to the Academy.”

Leo didn’t show any reservations if he had any. Raphael had been extremely irritable the day before and he didn’t dare question him about Mikey’s schedule. He decided to trust his lover, who was already used to human life.

His only protestation was when Raphael offered to give him one of his uniforms, because Leo hadn’t received his yet.

“Raph, you weigh at least twenty-five more pounds than me. I’ll look ridiculous!” Leo said, taking out one of the purchases he’d made with April the day before from a plastic bag.

Raphael didn’t answer. He knew his lover was right and watched him put on a short-sleeved shirt that accentuated his perfect biceps. It’d be a shame hiding such a sexy body in loose clothing.

They met the youngest downstairs, who was drinking his orange juice, and who appeared to be playful.

"Mikey, shouldn’t you have left by now?” Leo asked.

The youngest explained that his classes started later today. Raphael knew intuitively that it was bullshit, but he didn’t say a word. Mikey could do what he wanted.

Like a child in search of his father's attention, Raphael tugged on the older man's hand, urging him that they didn't have time to linger, when only five minutes before, he’d suggested a longer route, so he and Leo could enjoy the view. Leo didn’t protest and allowed himself to be led to the rear parking lot of the building.

Raphael’s car, an almost new 2014 Honda CRV that had been seized by the police, wasn’t to his tastes, even though it was red, because it wasn’t fast enough or aerodynamic. The red wasn’t even bright enough and was more garnet than scarlet, but since it was for his brothers’ use as well and not just for his own, he didn’t complain. After all, it was in good shape, fully equipped and comfortable. All four brothers and Master Splinter could easily handle it. It had been given, so that he wouldn’t be late on his second day at the Academy and this “affront” had annihilated his pleasure of having an anonymous and inconspicuous car to freely travel around the city.

He good-humoredly opened Leo’s passenger door. Leo climbed in and smiled at his brother’s gallantry, but said nothing. Raphael suggested that they take the route along the river, which was more interesting, even though it was longer.

Leo shook his head and said, “No, Raph. I want to give a good impression and I won’t do that by arriving late, even if it’s only by five minutes.”

Raphael smiled at him, even though he was disappointed by his brother’s refusal and said, “Nervous?” He thought Leo was anxious for nothing, because he was so great. How could others not see that?

“Yes. You weren’t?”

Raphael shrugged, as if to say that he didn’t want to talk about it. The truth was that he’d been so shaken by his quarrel with Leo at the time that nothing else had mattered. He’d only thought about his lover and how he could win him back.

Leo thought it wise to change the topic and said, “Tell me everything I need to know.”

Delighted to be useful to his brother and to have all of the attention, Raphael eagerly repeated with more embellishment what he’d told his brother the day before and occasionally pointed out things he deemed interesting.

They finally arrived at the sad looking and huge gray building, which housed the Police Academy. If Leo was disappointed with the appearance of the building, which was in the middle of the industrial district of Queens, he didn’t show it. Raphael was about to open his brother’s door, but no doubt in a hurry, Leo didn’t wait for him and jumped out of the car.

Leo looked around him, curious, and noticing movement, his inquisitive gaze spotted the front door. He didn’t have time to move in that direction, because a hand grabbed his and lovingly squeezed it. Surprised, Leo shifted his gaze and saw his smiling brother.

“Let me help you, Leo,” Raphael gently offered.

Leo didn’t have much experience of life in human society, but he knew he was an adult man and had been a leader for a long time. He’d coped with the pressures that had come along with it and had led many successful missions. The idea of being publically led by his younger brother in front of colleagues, whom he may eventually lead, somewhat dented and wounded his pride.

“Raph,” Leo objected, pulling his hand away. “I’m not a toddler on his first day at kindergarten. There’s no need to mother me.” Leo then strode towards the door.

Raphael was stunned and baffled for a moment, his hand empty. What had happened? All was well.  Then anger consumed him, replacing stupefaction and sorrow. How could Leo reject him like that when he’d only wanted to be kind?

He ran in hot pursuit of his brother, who was already fifteen yards away. He violently grabbed Leo from behind, not caring if he hurt him or not or if he made a scene in front of the colleagues. He turned Leo around to look at him and glowered at him. Leo remained stoic, despite his indignation at being accosted in such a manner.

“What was it?” Raphael spat. “How dare you treat me like that!”

Leo’s blue eyes blazed and he said, “Raphael, go home if you can’t control yourself. I just didn’t want to be treated like a child. I’m an adult and capable of walking in by myself. You were treating me like a kid in front of potential colleagues and ridiculing me! I don’t want to be a laughing stock to them!”

“Oh, yeah? And you’re not treating me like one by telling me I need to go home if I’m not obedient?” Raphael snapped sardonically. “Or worse, like a dog being sent to his kennel! Not an hour ago, you were writhing with pleasure beneath me," he hissed, not giving a damn about Leo’s concerned look. The ex-leader was looking around, wondering if anyone had heard. “I’m good enough to suck your cock, Leo,” Raphael raged, tears pricking at his eyes. “But not to hold your hand? You ridicule me by treating me that way and by pushing me away.”

Leo sighed exasperatedly and ran his hand through his short black hair. Raphael sometimes drove him crazy. Why hadn’t he fallen in love with Donnie? It’d have been easier.

“You don’t need me to make you look ridiculous, Raph,” Leo replied, unimpressed by the green eyes that were blazing in fury. “Can we stop drawing attention and go inside now? Please. I really want a few minutes to pay my respects to the instructor before class begins.”

Raphael snorted and said, “Your respects? You should show it to me, your mate, and not to any idiot, who thinks he is…”

Leo waved a hand dismissively, as they went inside and said, “We’ll continue this discussion at home, Raphael.” Raphael was still seething with rage, but Leo took no notice and said, “Where do we go?”

Raphael’s anger somewhat dissipated at the question. Leo needed him and was probably nervous. Arguing wouldn’t help his lover.

Raphael pointed to a door on the left, which faced an auditorium, and said, “Here.”

Leo’s eyes shone in excitement as he read the wording of the projected slide. “Operation: The command.”

“It looks interesting,” Leo whispered and read what was written below the title. “Develop knowledge, situational analysis and decision making skills to effectively manage hostage crisis situations, sniper or suicide threats.”

Raphael forgot his rancor when he saw how delighted and animated his brother was. Leo was so handsome with the rare expression of excitement lighting up his face. He briefly thought that he’d like to do so much to his brother and then shoved that jealous thought aside. There was no doubt that Leo would be the teacher’s pet. He was thrilled about it, because everyone would see how exceptional his boyfriend was.

Leo hadn’t forgotten the forms, despite his haste, and he went over to the instructor to introduce himself.

The instructor looked at Raphael and said, “On time today, Johnson? That doesn’t mean you don’t have to explain to me why you left so early yesterday.”

Raphael blushed in embarrassment and rage at the scathing remark. Being reproached in front of Leo was the worst punishment, because he knew that Leo suffered even more than he did from his dishonorable" attitude and took it as an affront to their family.

“Please forgive my brother, Lieutenant,” Leo said. “He had to pick me up from the airport.”

Raphael wasn't relieved to hear Leo lying to cover for him. His brother shouldn’t let lies spill from his beautiful lips to satisfy that jerk. He clenched his fists.

The instructor raised his ginger eyebrows and said, “You’re Leo Johnson, who was particularly recommended by the Police Chief Commissioner?”

Leo nodded, smiling, and said, “Yes. I am.”

The man was more perplexed. He frowned and said, “I thought you were older and uh….Are you really brothers and have the same parents?”

Leo seemed embarrassed. Donnie, in spite of his intelligence, hadn’t been able to falsify his brothers’ entire existence. They didn’t know if they had the same parents, but for Raphael, no one was closer to him than Leo and if the complete fraternity explained it, that’d be the explanation. Anyway, he’d been raised in that way

"Yeah. We're brothers. Real ones. What’s the problem with that?" Raphael asked aggressively. Leo was uncomfortable with the jerk and he hated it.

Leo intervened and started to explain, probably to justify Raphael's rudeness, but the instructor interrupted him and told them to return to their places. Mortified, Leo hastened to sit in the last available spot in front.

 Unfortunately, the only other available spot was right at the back. Raphael, wanting to be near his brother, was about to intimidate the girl, who was sitting next to him, so that she changed places, but Leo glared at him, warning him not to. Raphael understood and lowered his head. It was his fault that Leo hadn’t made a good impression. Raphael couldn’t afford to create a public scene about a chair.

So he contritely sat down in the back.

Raphael regretted not seeing Leo’s face during class. All he could see was the back of Leo’s head and his neck and he guessed that Leo was interested in the subject and was making notes by the way his head bent over his notebook. The instructor drew a plan on the interactive board a while later, simulating a hostage crisis situation, and asked if any of them knew what strategy should be used in this case. Raphael smiled when he saw Leo lean forward and raise his hand.

Despite his reservations and since no one else volunteered, the lieutenant nodded. Leo walked up to him and the lieutenant handed the pen to him. Leo confidently explained his plan, while drawing the positions and numbers of men at each location. He placed himself as a negotiator to release some hostages, while higher-ranking officers and men of value (Raphael saw his brother’s gaze land on him), could take advantage of this distraction and free the others. Leo finished and the instructor had to admit that his reasoning had been sound and brilliant and he congratulated him.

Raphael turned around and saw the admiring glances of the other students. His lover was just as impressive, he thought proudly.

The rest of the morning, Leo participated in the class, raising his hand without stopping and even diplomatically disagreeing with the instructor. The morning quickly passed and it was now lunchtime and Raphael hastened to join his brother.

A crowd of admirers and admirers surrounded Leo, swooning over him. Raphael, who was both annoyed and proud, was trying to approach him when a hand gripped his arm.

He turned around and recognized the only person in the Academy, who’d sometimes spoken to him. Seeing that he was outside, Joe was offering him a cigarette.

“Hey, Raph,” Joe said. “Don’t tell me you also want to kiss the pretentious new brat’s ass?”

Raphael's face twisted with rage. He’d never been able to endure an affront to any of his brothers, but even less to Leo, because he worked so hard to be perfect. It was evident that the insult to his lover wouldn’t be ignored.

“Shut up, dumbass,” Raphael snapped. “That’s my bro.”

Raphael hadn’t thought more about what to call Leo. He’d always known him as brother and leader, but that couldn’t be explained and he preferred not to use those titles. Saying that Leo was his boyfriend didn’t really explain the depth of and how meaningful their relationship was and saying that Leo was his lover seemed too focused on the sexual aspect of their relationship. He couldn’t say “husband”, because they weren’t married and he never heard humans use “mate” either. Brother was shorter. And anyway, it wasn’t their business.

Joe’s eyes flew wide in shock, taken aback by the ferocity of the answer and the answer itself. Leo didn’t look like Raphael at all with his Nordic complexion, his less impressive stature, and his more delicate features. Joe found it strange and also asked if they had the same parents.

Raphael ignored him, looked at Leo and saw another student place his hand on Leo’s shoulder. Joe followed his gaze and said, “Yeah. That was to be expected. Garrett’s a fag. He wanted to take advantage of the crowd around your brother and use it as an opportunity to grab him.”

Raphael didn’t understand. A fag? What was that? He asked Joe what it was.

Joe snorted in disbelief and asked Raphael where he was from not knowing that expression, but seeing Raphael’s anger returning, he quickly said, “They call a man, who likes to be fucked by other men, that. You see? It’s repulsive and unnatural. No one wants to be partnered with Garrett. Not the real men anyway. I hope I won’t be in his unit after the selection tests, but he’ll have to pass them for that to happen. The instructor despises him, because he’s gay and if he passes, he may have an initiation that won’t make him want to stay.”

Raphael’s face drained of color, as Joe continued. Misunderstanding this reaction, Joe tried to assure him. “Don’t worry. Your brother doesn’t seem like someone, who enjoys being caressed by another man. It’s obvious he prefers girls. Garrett will leave him alone when he sees your bro plays on the other team.”

Raphael stared at the group intently. Leo’s smile was a mixture of modesty and complacency, one he often wore, but something about his attitude suddenly ignited Raphael’s fury. It seemed to him that Joe was right and that his brother smiled more at the girl and seductively. Raphael remembered Leo’s anxiety about whether he’d shown interest in women on the surface. Was it to conceal or to excuse his own attraction to them?

Raphael violently pushed people away and barked, “Go eat and leave my brother alone.”

Intimidated by the explosion, the people dispersed and left the auditorium. Leo glowered at his brother, pissed off.

“What’s up with you, Raph?” Leo demanded. “Your peers won’t like you do if that.”

Raphael’s face darkened.  Scolding was the last thing he needed right now. After learning that he was a fag and therefore a despicable man, he’d just seen his lover wooed by someone else. Leo probably wouldn’t want him anymore if he knew what Joe had said about Garrett and Raphael couldn’t stand it.  He needed comfort right now and to be assured of Leo’s love. Not a sermon.

“I don’t give a damn about others liking me. I only care that you do and that you appreciate me. ME.”

Leo didn’t misunderstand the intonation on the final “me” and he massaged his temples, which he’d done since childhood, when an argument he considered absurd caused conflict with Raphael.

“Raph,” Leo said gently. “You chose to live with humans and now that we’ve left the lair, we have to live according to the laws and norms of the society into which we’ve integrated. There were only five of us in the sewers and only five of us to consider. That’s no longer the case and I’d like you to enjoy working with colleagues, who like you and who don’t fear you.”

Raphael stubbornly insisted that he didn’t give a shit what others thought about him. He was there to work with Leo.

Leo shook his head and said patiently, “That doesn’t mean we’ll be in the same unit. We have those tests, remember? We’re very different in spite of our love,” he said tenderly, seeing the hurt expression on Raphael’s face when he raised his head. “You can’t deny that. We’ll probably be assigned to different positions and units. But, Raph, we’ll be together every night and sleeping in the same bed.” Leo had honestly believed that his brother had already realized that when the training finished in two days’ time, Raphael wouldn’t necessarily work daily with Leo, because he was more of a man of action and would probably be selected for a position where his skills could be better used.

Raphael’s stomach churned at Leo’s suggestion. He’d never considered the possibility that they could be separated. The idea of being able to make love to Leo every night didn't comfort him. He knew somewhere in him that he wasn't reasonable, but just sitting out of reach of his brother had already shattered his soul. And Joe’s innuendos made him worry. What if Garrett made advances on Leo? What if Leo made advances to a policewoman? He wouldn’t be there to watch him and to protect his property. Raphael was suddenly aware of his brother’s beauty and stunning cerulean eyes. Leo’s attractiveness and his cleverness at strategy, which would no doubt net him a brilliant position, would attract admirers. And if he wasn’t there, how could he prevent his brother’s cerulean eyes from landing on someone else, who was more deserving than he was? He had wanted to get out of the sewers to offert his mate a better life, but at the lair he hadn't rival to be afraid of.

A rollercoaster of emotions hit him: anxiety, panic, jealousy and he felt like he couldn’t breathe. Hyperventilating, one hand on his heart, not seeing his brother gazing at him anxiously. It wasn’t a migraine anymore. The emotions ravaged his soul, gnawing at his insides, leaving only one feeling: a pure and unalterable panic, which made him gasp for air, as it strangled him. He didn’t hear his brother calling for him. He couldn’t breathe or hear. The colors even faded. His legs gave way, he crumbled to the ground with a thud, his eyes sliding shut.


	4. Chapter 4

Raphael woke up, lying down, Leo's blue eyes boring into his, expressing the gravest concern. His brother held his hands and smiled tenderly at the convalescent.

"Hey," he softly greeted him.

Raphael tried to get up, but Leo placed a hand on his chest, forcing him back down.

"Don't get up too fast, Raph,” Leo said. “You must still be dizzy from your fainting.”

Raphael grimaced. Indeed, he didn't feel very well, a throbbing headache buzzing at his temples. He couldn't remember with certainty what had happened. Something had displeased him, but what?

"What happened?" Raphael mumbled.

“The doctor said vagal shock and that it probably happened, because we skipped breakfast. Forgive all my questions, Raph. I made you forget your basic needs,” Leo apologized, sincerely contrite.

Raphael shook his head. He didn’t want Leo to feel guilty about nonsense like that.  His uneasiness had nothing to do with missing breakfast.

“What were we talking about before, Leo?” Raphael asked. He vaguely remembered some dreadful news, but he didn’t know what exactly at the moment.

Leo tried to remain impassive, but the other knew him, knew he was hiding something from him when the ex-leader changed the subject.

"You can go home, Raph. The doctor said you need to spend a relaxing afternoon at home and the Academy’s fine about it.  I joined Donnie. He’ll come over tonight."

Raphael frowned, not listening to the end of the sentence, trying to gather his memories. Everything suddenly came back to him clearly, tearing him again. It was out of the question for him to go home and leave Leo alone in the midst of these raptors.

"No, no, Leo. I'm fine,” Raphael protested. "You're right.  I only had an empty stomach.  I’ll eat a sandwich will be okay."

Raphael stood to prove his point and pushed his brother firmly away. He knew that the afternoon’s course would focus on strategy again and he couldn’t afford to miss it. Not with the test in two days’ time that was hanging over his head like a sword of Damocles, determining his assignment in a unit. Like a fool, he hadn’t studied and his result would be much worse than Leo, who’d always been a model student. He’d be the same when it was his turn. Then they’d be separated.

He had to stop Leo and make up for lost time by paying close attention to everything the instructor said.

 Leo tenderly objected, explaining that Raphael didn't like the theory or the Academy and that since he didn't seem to be doing well, he had to take advantage of his blessing to return home.

“Nah, Fearless,” Raphael said. “There’s the written exam on Friday. Remember? I don’t want to fail it.”

It suddenly occurred to Raphael that failing could be the best alternative or if he just forfeited it and demanded to resume it after a month with Leo. He’d be more likely to learn the skills needed to be in his brother’s unit after a month and more importantly, he could stand guard.

As if reading his thoughts, Leo smiled and said, “Come on, Raph. You won’t fail. I’ve heard about these tests. There’s the physical aptitude test first and it’s impossible for you to miss it. I was told that you’re the strongest and most skilled at it. The shooting exam will also be child’s play. I asked and heard you shoot extremely well. There’s the medical examination, which Donnie doesn’t think will be a problem, despite your fainting. The aptitude and competence test’s personal. Nobody can fail. It’s only a tool to know where to go, depending on your strength. Then there’s a situational judgment test.  Without boasting, Raph, you've seen enough at work to respond appropriately. At least, I hope so. Then there’s the psychometric test. "

Leo paused and silence ensued. Raphael filled a glass with water from the sink and whirled around, as if he’d been stung.

“Do you think I’m too stupid for the psychometric test, Leo?”

Leo shook his head and said in a soothing voice, “That has nothing to do with it, Raph. That test’s also personal.  Studying for it’s pointless. It’s tailored to your personality. It is a test that assesses your degree of risk of demonstrating behavior that’s incompatible with the police profession, to measure factors related to accountability and compliance and to evaluate other counterproductive behaviors related to interactions with citizens."

Raphael rolled his eyes and said, “We can always count on you to read and to memorize the damn textbook.  What's the problem with this test? I know what’s good and bad. I'm not a delinquent, like you seem to believe, just because I occasionally drink beer.”

Something in the countenance of the young man with black hair didn't please him.

"What?" Raphael spat aggressively.

Leo shook his head, smiling feebly to distract his brother's anger.

"I wouldn’t say that ‘daily’ is occasionally,” Leo joked. “Let’s eat the stinky cafeteria food, like Mikey suggested. We have twenty minutes before classes resume.”

Raphael followed his brother. Eating wouldn’t hurt him and he’d be with Leo. Desire suddenly overcame him and he shoved his brother up the wall and possessively embraced him. He needed to feel Leo’s soft lips against his to be assured of their owner’s love.

Leo passionately responded to the kiss, permitting access to his tongue without resistance, but when Raphael's wandering hands gripped his ass he broke the kiss.

 "Raph, don't start what you can't finish. We can't let ourselves go here. We aren’t alone, like before, in my room in the lair. Someone can come here at any time.”

Raphael’s pupils were dilated with desire, but he knew that any protest would be useless, so he nodded.

"I want it tonight, Leo,” Raphael said, almost in an animal grunt. He wanted Leo. To leave his mark and top him. He didn’t care about being a fag, even though a change of position mattered in this appellation. And also, because he simply wanted Leo. It happened to him, especially when he felt insecure or tormented, but his brother didn't know anything about it. He needed to see that he could take ownership of the ex-leader’s body and control it. He wanted to reassure himself that he could give him pleasure.

Blushing, Leo, despite his astonishment at this rather rare request from his lover, made a sign of acceptance before pushing his brother out of the infirmary.

Most cops, future police, and instructors had left the cafeteria, because they wanted to enjoy the last beautiful days of September and the sun’s rays before they had to spend the afternoon in the gray walls of the auditorium.

One of the qualities that Leo and Raphael both possessed was that they weren’t picky eaters. Having lived for a long time with detritus, expedients or Michelangelo's gastronomic fantasies, their stomachs absorbed everything. However, Leo, who usually didn’t comment on food, given his current inability to cook, couldn’t refrain from a dubious grimace at the food.

"It tastes like wet cardboard, Raph. I hope Mikey gets better at school. And why doesn’t he pack his own lunches?”

Raphael swallowed a mouthful of his mortadella sandwich and shrugged.

“I don’t know, Leo. He did that for a few days. Then he stopped.”

Leo narrowed his eyes and said, “How can’t you know? He’s been in your care for almost a month. He’s always trusted you. You didn’t ask him. He probably has a reason. Are you sure? Is Mikey doing well at school?”

Raphael lowered his head. He deserved his brother’s reproaches.  Preoccupied with his own life, he hadn’t paid much attention to the youngest. Still, he loved the kid, even though he was a nuisance. It was as if everything suddenly wasn’t as important. Things would probably return to normal now that Leo was close to him and he’d become a good big brother for his younger brothers.

Wanting to be forgiven, he placed his arm around the elder’s shoulders, bringing him closer to him.

“I know I’ve messed up, baby,” Raphael said. “Everything will be fine now that you’re here and Donnie and Master Splinter will be here soon. I promise to talk to Mikey as soon as we get back."

Leo nodded and Raphael asked a question that had tormented him ever since he’d woken up in the infirmary.

"Did you talk to the instructor when I was out of it, Leo? You looked familiar with the tests and all that. He told you all about me?” Raphael asked, slightly worried, knowing that the lieutenant hated him.

“Yes. He saw me when I was on the way to the infirmary, but it was Chief Vincent, who warned me about the exams’ contents. The instructor suggested that I take the exam at the same time as you. He says that my training period will be shorter, because I’m a serious and promising student.”

Raphael didn't know whether he should be reassured or not. He and Leo would get their stripes at the same time, but he feared he wouldn’t have enough of the afternoon to become a member of the Leonardo level security forces.

“Great,” Raphael said and finished his sandwich. He didn’t say anything else, because he didn’t know what else to say. Should he feel insulted that he had to complete the training?

Leo stood up, having eaten only half of the sandwich, and signalled for Raphael to follow him.

The rest of Raphael’s day was spent trying to focus on the lecture and fantasizing about his brother, who finally sat next to him. Leo, his head bent over his notebook, seemed like the most moving work of art in the world. His perfect profile was so hypnotizing that Raphael, despite the discreet kicks, couldn't help staring at him.

Class finally ended, much to Raphael’s relief. He was itching to caress Leo’s nearby body. He’d watched the instructor shake Leo’s hand without any particular emotion on his face. It didn’t surprise him that Leo’s perfection had been recognized. It was only justice. Maybe he’d have the chance to impress Leo the following day.  Thursday was the day of the physical tests and the shooting course. The theoretical and medical part was scheduled for Friday. Raphael knew, like Leo had pointed out, that he was the strongest and the best shooter. He wouldn’t miss out on an opportunity to impress his lover in case the instructor had said bad things about. He knew Leo was too good natured to repeat it, but he didn’t want Leo to think badly about him, especially when he realized they might be rivals.

Raphael had always considered himself an ordinary guy with his strengths and his faults. Leo's flaws were almost non-existent and probably better for him than he was for the blue-eyed man. He had to prove to the Fearless Leader that he was the only choice possible for him.

Sometimes, Joe offered him a cigarette when classes had ended and offered to come with hi and others to a 5 to 7. Raphael had occasionally accepted. Not socializing and only drinking. But he quickened his pace this time. He followed to Leo where he was given his uniforms and camped as quickly as possible, where he could caress Leo's body without being called a fag.

The journey to the house was cheerful after running errands, because the elder didn't want to eat at the cafeteria again. It reminded Raphael about his mission to talk to his little brother. He was angry he’d been so negligent and was so absorbed in his thoughts that he wasn’t aware that his lover was so close that his hand rested on his thigh and that he was gently smiling at him. Leo had enjoyed the Academy and hoped to do a good job the next day with his fitness and shooting tests. Having never held a firearm before, he was a little nervous.

"Bah,” Raphael said. “Leo, our wrists are strong and we’ll be fine, because we’re ambidextrous. I wanted to have two weapons to fire at two targets at once, but these assholes refused. We have the strength and also reflexes. I think that, like me, after a few test shots, it’ll be fine. You don't have to worry, baby," he whispered fondly, accentuating his grip on Leo's thigh in a gesture of comfort and tenderness.

Leo looked at him lovingly, grabbed his driving hand on his thigh and pressed it onto his.

“I don’t know what I’d do without you, Raph. I love you so much.”

Raphael smiled, but he had the unpleasant surprise of seeing the blonde neighbor in the parking lot when they arrived home. She was carrying parcels she’d purchased that afternoon.

Leo gallantly offered to help her carry her parcels, but the young woman glanced at Raphael, shook her head and walked off. Perplexed, Leo watched her stride away, but didn’t comment on it to Raphael’s immense relief.  Taking advantage of the solitude of the parking lot, he took Leo's hand in his, knowing that the young black haired man wouldn’t argue.

They immediately noticed that something was wrong, as soon as they entered their apartment. Mikey’s backpack was there, but the house was silent. Raphael frowned. Mikey had nothing planned on Wednesdays and he was usually there at 6 p.m.; starving and animated in the kitchen.

Feeling Leo’s tension, as he gripped Raphael’s hand tighter, Raphael squeezed it and told him he was going to check out the basement.

“You know, Leo,” Raphael said, trying to reassure him. “Mikey may be playing one of those online games he’s obsessed with.”

Leo nodded, his facial expression showing had the same bad feeling Raphael suddenly got.

Using his ninja skills and stealth, Raphael silently descended the stairs, hoping to surprise Mikey with whatever he was doing.

Each step reinforced his guilt. He’d treated the youngest like his maid the past month without really taking care of his integration, guessing that Mikey was lying when he asked him about things, but too stuck in his own misery to investigate further.

Raphael saw Mikey from behind, sitting curled up against his bed, the familiar scent of blood reaching him, frightening him. He tried to remain calm and he spoke in a low voice.

"What's going on, Mikey?”

Mikey’s blue eyes were full of tears and he turned, afraid he’d been discovered and Raphael’s heart sank.

A bruise blackened Mikey's eye. The boy had no doubt pissed off the wrong person and had received a punch, but that didn’t explain the coppery smell that permeated  the room. Raphael moved forward, despite Mikey stiffening.

"Hey, Mike. Talk to me. We're only worried about you," Raphael murmured, trying to look soothing. He was bad at this stuff, but the boy was often too scared of disappointing Leo to be sincere.  Disappointing Raphael was less painful.

Close up, Raphael saw the blood staining the floor, the way the Mikey clutched his forearm and the tanto close to him. That told him everything.

Raphael grabbed Mikey’s wrist and his thoughts were confirmed. The clear blue eyes were distraught and his heart sank again. Mikey had mutilated himself. The thought of it hurt Raphael so much that he thought he’d explode or suffocate,  but he knew that no matter what he felt, Mikey was suffering far more and Leo, as the big brother, would be beyond devastated. The eldest would probably tell him it was his fault. He’d made Mikey desire to be human with his talk about how wonderful it’d be living as humans. Mikey had been in his care for weeks and if things had degenerated to this point, he was the only one at fault.

Raphael knelt by Mikey’s side and managed to get his younger brother to talk. He learned that the students had mocked hin, because he knew nothing about algebra or geography, he was clumsy, ate weird lunches and his expressions were odd. He’d also been taunted, because he’d been playing vollyball, rather than a real man’s sport, like basketball, and he’d also been with the drama group. He’d also chosen visual arts as a complementary course and that was another subject to ridicule. The guys on the team called him names that Mikey didn't understand. He’d researched them and had learned that the other boys blamed him for being a boy, who loved the same gender as him, but that he hid when he addressed girls. Today, he’d been told to come out of the closet by having a locker door opened in his face.  Mikey had then wanted to cut his pink skin and to be a turtle again.

"I hate being human. People are mean. I miss our family," Mikey said.

"Leo’s here, and you know Donnie and Master Splinter will soon be here too."

Raphael tried to remain reassuring, despite his pounding heart. Rage became as exponential as his headache, but he didn't want to scare Michelangelo. Mikey's accusations about his sexuality irritated him, confirming that loving Leo in broad daylight might be even more difficult on the surface than in the lair. And Mikey was his brother and Leo's brother. Nobody touched his family.

"They’ll be too busy with human life, like you!" the youngest accused.

Raphael nervously ran a hand through his dark hair and said, "Listen, Mike. I'm sorry, okay? My integration’s difficult and you know family cohesion and parental responsibilities. It’s more Leo’s thing, his responsibility, and he’s better at it. He’s here and you know how loyal and dedicated he is. He'll take care of you. Better than me. I'm asking to try ..." He didn't know how to say that, so he said crudely, "Tell the shit you want to Fearless, okay? But I don't want him to suspect all this shit. You're going to stop it," Raphael said, pointing at Mikey’s wrist and the tanto. "Who’s the locker guy? Where can I find him?"

Mikey said that the basketball team was practicing on the school grounds until 6:30. Shawn, a tall blond, was number 4.

"Perfect,"  Raphael said, standing up. "Shawn won’t bother you anymore. Tell Leo I'll be late for dinner."

Raphael went upstairs without a word to Leo, who’d unpacked the bags, and went straight to his room. He took his sais out from the first drawer, donned them and dressed in a leather jacket.

He went down the stairs, two by four, and saw Leo blocking his way and looking at him suspiciously.

"Where are you going?" the ex-leader  demanded.

Raphael grabbed his face and gave him the most passionate kiss of their existence. He only let go when Mikey’s footsteps were heard and leaving Leo with his rosy cheeks to regain control of his emotions and to greet their little brother, he ran away.


	5. The first warning

Raphael hadn't intended to commit a murder, he thought, splashing his face in the sink at the gas station, but everything had gone so fast.

His first intention had been to carve a warning on the front door of Shawn’s house or on his car, a warning to let Shawn know he knew where he lived and to give him a chance.

Yes. That’d been his first intention, but it hadn’t gone that way.

Raphael looked at himself one last time. His face was now clean, the blood washed off of his face. His black policeman’s coat and his matching jacket revealed nothing on the first inspection. It’d take a lot, so that Leo didn’t closely examine them after an unexplained absence of more than five hours and him not answering his T-phone.

But that didn’t matter, because he knew exactly how to deal with Leo when he arrived home and how to distract him.

Raphael had to admit, even though he didn’t know why, that the murder had turned him on. His sparkling eyes shone with enjoyment.

Only the thought of Leo waiting for him and probably going out of his mind with worry prevented him from jerking off in the dirty bathroom.

He tuned into a classic music station on his car radio to temper his excitement, thought about what he’d done and tried to justify his actions.

There was no doubt the bag next to him was partly responsible for his painful erection, he thought, while mentally replaying the events.

* * *

 

He’d been to Mikey’s high school, rushing like crazy to get there on time, the traffic terrible. That was another reason why he was disappointed with human life. The mayor had thought it wise to offer them a triplex in Turtle Bay, the diplomatic district of Manhattan, because of the name of course. The problem was that the traffic was horrendous. Getting to and from the Academy took him almost an hour, making him stress about being late and getting scathing remarks. He wouldn’t have to cross bridges to get to Queens when his training was over of course, but the fact was he was driving in a rage almost every day at the moment. Mikey’s school, Vanguard High School, was usually only 10 minutes away, but it could take 20 minutes with congested traffic. He’d quickly spotted Shawn on the basketball court with his number and the description Mikey had given. He was tall with curly chestnut hair, about Leo’s stature and was, therefore, a good head more than his youngest brother and was 30 pounds heavier. Raphael imagined that arm brutally closing the locker door on his little brother’s round face. Hatred flared and he had to dig his nails into his palm to try to curb his rage. Shawn might be older, taller and stronger than Mikey, but he was only a small fry compared to Raphael. Even if he set aside his height advantage of 6’5 and 260 pounds muscular frame, he had the advantage of being experienced with handling weapons, the speed, the effect of surprise and his hate, which would double the intensity of his blows if he decided to use them as a last resort.

Sitting among the friends and the few family members of the players, he’d been incognito and no one had thought it strange that this figure all dressed in black and who was wearing sunglasses, had come to watch the last five minutes of the game. He’d observed, noting, like a true professional fighter, the player’s weaknesses.

Raphael had then waited for the young man to leave. He couldn’t attack him then, though, because he’d probably go out with a group of friends. But his intention then was only to follow him to find out which car belonged to him and where he lived,

Yes. His first thought had been to vandalize the car, knowing that an 18-year-old loved his car more than his parents, who’d bought it for him. Etching a simple warning on the driver’s door seemed reasonable as a punishment. He’d briefly thought about cutting the brakes, but had dismissed it, frightened that he'd thought about doing that.

Hidden in his car, his windows open to listen to possible information about Shawn’s trip, Raphael’s hands on his steering wheel shook in rage when he heard the threats and laughter from the boy and his teammates.

“The dirty little fag deserves a good lesson for daring drawing my girlfriend in his art class!”

"What do you plan to do Shawn? You've already smashed his face today. Aren’t you afraid he’ll complain to the principal or that his parents will?”

“Nah! He’s stupid, but not that stupid. And he has no parents, like Mia said. Just some big brothers. He once told me that his brothers would avenge him. They must be fags like him and must fuck in a group. Seeing his brothers fucking taught him how to be gay.”

The others sneered and said that it was disgusting. Raphael gnashed his teeth angrily at the comments.

“I know what I’m going to do. I thought about it during the match. I’ll go to the sex shop, ‘Pleasure Chest’. I have my fake card. I’ll buy three or four items of gay stuff and put them in his bag and locker.”

Everyone agreed that it was an excellent idea and would humiliate Mikey even more than a black eye. It took all of Raphael’s control not to get out of his car and to beat up the asshole. All this, because he was jealous that Mikey had drawn his girlfriend. What a bastard!

Shawn chattered loudly and said that he’d also go to the liquor store by the sex shop and also to “All Saints” to get new clothes. He’d grown more muscular this summer and his clothes no longer fitted him. He explained by thrusting out his chest and flexing his muscles.

Impatience got the better of Raphael. The more the idiot spoke, the more Raphael desired to break his teeth. The thought of having to follow him all the way through the commercial pilgrimage was insulting, but he had no choice. He had to wait for the fucker to go home, so he could steal the bag of erotic toys, so that they wouldn’t be put into Mikey’s locker. And he also had to etch a longer warning than expected onto the car and to let down the four tires. Maybe he’d also smash the windscreen.

Shawn finally returned to his car, a bright red Acura sport. It was so bright that Raphael thought he wouldn’t have trouble spinning it.

He followed the student, staying in his car at the young man’s first two stops. Curious, Raphael took advantage of the wait, knowing his brother’s hangman would be at least twenty minutes in the clothing store and did a search on his T-phone. He saw Leo’s three text messages and his missed call, but he ignored them, because he was unable to reveal the purpose of his absence. And he was concerned. The story about the pain of loving a male tormented him and he wholeheartedly regretted his search twenty minutes later.

Admittedly, he’d learned that all the epithets heard related to homosexuality, which although unequally accepted, wasn’t a crime in itself in New York. Same-sex marriage for men was allowed. He’d at first felt relieved, because he intended to eventually marry Leo, so they could make their love more official before they lived alone together. He’d even thought that adopting a child was possible. Splinter had always kept them away from the ideals, beliefs, and morals of American society in the twenty-first century and had censored anything pertaining to or relating to sex in the lair. Knowing that the brothers were condemned and persecuted by their appearance, so that they probably wouldn’t know their sexuality, he hadn’t wanted to make them even more miserable. Raphael had to do research on Donnie’s cell phone and had discovered he could make love to his lover, but he’d never be able to carry children. Only girls could.

Raphael didn’t know why he’d done more research. He wished he never had, because he learned the word incest, and that it was a crime to be punished with 25 years’ imprisonment.

A crime Leo was also unaware of committing.

 Raphael’s eyes filled with anguished tears and he thought that he knew nothing about the human world, but he knew his brother. The moment the former leader learned that what he did with Raphael every night was a crime, he’d castrate himself with his own katana, rather than touch Raphael again.

All the dreams of marriage, independent house and adoption would then end.

People had asked him if they were blood brothers and he’d stupidly answered in the affirmative, thereby putting the final nail into the coffin of their passion,

Raphael could deny it or could invent a story that they’d been adopted, but in order to do that, he’d need his big brother’s consent and Leo would want to know why he wanted to change the version they’d given.

He knew that indeed, biologically speaking, Donnie had revealed doubts about their family connection. So technically, it wasn’t a crime, but Leo would break up with him anyway.

Leo out of love might have endured their homosexuality being mocked, assuming someone was suicidal enough to do that to their faces, but he wouldn’t if it was considered a criminal act.

Raphael tightened the grip on his steering wheel, letting the tears flow freely down his cheeks.

He’d never have become human if he’d known.

Leo had warned him from the beginning that it was a bad idea.

Fucking Fearless, who was always right.

Fuck the humans, who with their rules, morals and their prejudices destroyed everything, even a pure and sincere love.

Shawn came out of the shop and Raphael’s eyes that burned with hate, watched him carrying many parcels. He was clearly rewarding himself for having made Mikey’s day hellish and he’d do the same thing the following day.

Raphael started the engine and followed the boy to the liquor store. Raphael was tempted to go inside, because the idea of drinking until he lost consciousness was suddenly very appealing to him. Unfortunately, he didn’t have money and he couldn’t take the risk of following Shawn twice in the shops, because he was determined to enter the last one.

Raphael had no more lube because he’d left the jar of Vaseline in the sewers. Leo had penetrated him all the same the day before at his insistence, using their bodily fluids, but he wanted to spare his brother from that pain. He didn’t want to hurt Leo. On the contrary, he wanted to give him the experience of a lifetime. Maybe he’d stay then.

Shawn finally crossed the street to go to the sex shop. It didn’t seem to matter to him that he wasn’t of age.

Raphael had never seen the interior of this kind of shop before or so many different objects. He had no idea what most of them were meant for when he looked at them.

He heard Shawn asking the clerk behind the counter to pack up some “fag” stuff for him. Raphael noticed the man’s eyes flash in anger and his posture stiffen and he understood. The man, whom the student had addressed with such contempt, must also be homosexual or bisexual, the latter being a term he’d just learned.

The man packed things up anyway and the basketball player interrupted him when he was about to explain the use of an object, and suggested another one

“I don’t care how it works and what it’s about.  It’s only to make fun of someone in high school. It's just cost me 80$. I don't have that much cash to spend on that little dick!"

The man became even more reserved and blindly took objects, including a bottle of lube that Raphael noticed, while pretending to shop. It was perfect, he told himself. He’d prevent his little brother from being humiliated by stealing the bag, but he’d also get what he was going to buy for free. He was dry. Monetary wise. They’d collect their first rent on Monday and he’d be paid his first salary the following day. It wouldn’t be much, because he was training and was only entitled to 50% of what a police officer earned. Their food and what they all needed didn’t cost that much. He’d been shopping with Leo earlier with what he had left on his credit card. His next day’s salary would cover his credit card debts, so even a $ 16 free bottle of lube was worth it. Everything would be better when he and Leo would be paid the full amount. Not counting Donnie, but the next month would still be difficult. Although Casey and April, who had more money, considered the city generous, they still lacked many things. Raphael only had two pairs of jeans and two T-shirts and some underwear, apart from his cop clothes. Leo had to rely on the generosity of their human friends for his clothes, because Raphael had spent everything on furniture and therefore only had a shirt and pants. Mikey was made fun of at school, because he only had one more T-shirt than Raphael. The relative poverty in the rich environment, where the city had placed them, was a mystery to the others.

Raphael sometimes wanted to return to the sewers.

It was mind-blowing how hard he worked for his money to feed his family and to be a good person and Shawn was prepared to blow 80$ to humiliate someone.

He watched as the clerk picked up the things and thought that everything could be useful for him and Leo, since after all, they were “two pedals” to paraphrase the idiot.

Shawn suddenly decided to pick something for his girlfriend and he and the clerk approached Raphael to ask if he could help him.

Raphael, thinking that the wasn’t going to judge him, explained that he didn’t have any money, but he wanted to find new products that’d satisfy his partner more when he had the cash. He confessed his ignorance about the products, saying that he was from Missouri.

The clerk relieved to have met a more respectful person, asked what turned him on.

The young policeman didn’t understand the question and explained that his lover was the plugger.

The man smiled and said, “I’m talking about your fantasies, sir. What you dream about doing to your partner.”

Raphael had never thought further than going for a walk on the beach with his brother during the day. He shrugged.

Taking Raphael’s embarrassment for shame and not ignorance, the clerk smiled and said, “Do you like it softer or harder?"

Raphael, puzzled, pondered the question. It depended. He loved feeling Leo’s love and tenderness, but Leo also loved to be passionate and much more violent. Leo didn’t seem to complain about the pain and he often encouraged Raphael to “surpass himself”.

“Both,” Raphael said, beginning to feel excited, despite himself, as he visualized what he could do to Leo when he’d finished his mission.

The clerk seemed to gauge him and then finally gestured for him to follow him to the back of the shop. Raphael complied, while keeping an eye on Shawn, who was flipping through magazines in the front.

Raphael found himself by many black leather objects. The man patiently presented him with some articles and Raphael again felt the excitement building up inside of him, while listening to the clerk’s explanations. Leo bound, while having his legs forcibly spread and helpless against his caresses that he could lavish as much as he wanted, seemed a delightful prospect.

He noticed some objects in the phallic form that were made of steel or transparent silicone, but which all came with a padlock.

“And that? What is it?” Raphael asked.

“A chastity device for men. You put your partner’s dick inside, you padlock it and keep the key. Your lover will only be able to urinate with his penis while it’s locked up.”

An intense shiver of pleasure ran down Raphael’s spine. Locking up Leo, so that he couldn’t even jerk off without his permission, tempted him. His anxiety would significantly diminish if his lover was locked up and they were in different units. Raphael imagined Leo naked and wearing the cage that imprisoned his dick, begging Raphael to release him, so he could be relieved and writhing with impatience to taste the friction that only he could provide him and it seemed to him the most beautiful adornment in the world. Knowing Leo would wear the accessory at all times under his uniform trousers and staying that way until he returned, excited him more than anything. He’d therefore be like the owner of a coveted treasure, but it’d be impossible to access it, because only he’d know where the key was. He’d be wearing it. The idea of it aroused him so much that his erect dick was apparent in his pants.

“How much?” Raphael asked, his mouth dry.

“The least expensive is this one, but I recommend the silicone ones. They’re lighter, but as effective and cost 175$"

Raphael grimaced in disappointment. The chastity device should wait, but it wouldn’t be for long. He’d buy it as soon as he had the funds and would lock up his most precious property. The clerk was explaining that it was the kind of product one had to discuss with a partner before buying and Raphael was only half-listening, because he was lost in his lustful thoughts, when Shawn called out he wanted to pay.

Raphael was pulled out of his thoughts and remembering his mission, he saluted and thanked the clerk and went to his car to wait for the teenager to come out of the store.

The laughing teenager called one of his friends to boast about his purchase as soon as he left the shop.

“Yeah, but that’s just the tip of the iceberg. I have a lot of other ideas in store. I swear, Brian. The next one will be deadly. I’ll buy the rope right away to hang me.”

An acrid taste of bile filled Raphael's mouth and the hatred, the true one that’d hitherto been unknown to him, he saw. The headache suddenly left him completely and after a red cloud, everything appeared clear to him, as if he’d been wearing glasses for years for myopia.

The boy was walking away from the city center and Raphael relentlessly stalked him, led by his adrenaline. The boy being too stupid and self-conscious to notice it. Shawn finally got out of his car and Raphael at last understood what had attracted Sean to a seedy Bronx neighborhood and had made him leave the pleasant middle-class ones. It was cocaine.

Raphael didn’t know much about drugs. The little he’d heard had been from Don and Casey during morning training. The instructor had told them about sellers and consumer behavior and that was what Raphael needed as an alibi. He’d decided in a sort of epiphany that sparing Shawn was impossible. The guy was such an asshole that no one would know who’d targeted him. Mikey was certainly not his only victim, but he’d be the last.

Donnie’s gloves were good and with his new five fingers, Raphael had trouble mastering the whirling of his friends. The fibers were woven to protect him from lacerations. The time he’d readjusted, which had been quite easy, but the gloves would only prevent him from leaving his fingerprints that evening, Raphael told himself, as he donned them with perfect composure.

He didn’t have a single moment of doubt, hesitation or remorse.

Shawn headed to his car after the transaction, hastening to sniff the powder. It was there that Raphael cornered him and grabbed him. He didn’t waste time explaining why he was there, because he had no time to lose.

He opened the car door and slammed Shawn’s nose against his steering wheel five times.

They weren’t mortal blows, but Raphael wanted to provoke the triggering of the lacrimal glands to diminish his victim’s sight, like Master Splinter had taught them. Then he pulled him by his hair and dropped him onto the ground, watching him writhing in pain, while holding his broken nose. For good measure, Raphael kicked him twice in the testicles and wasn’t worried about his cries, because the neighborhood was used to yelling.

Then having left him at the desired place, Raphael sat in Shawn’s car and caressed his leather gloves, already enjoying what he was going to do and listening to his victim complain, as he lay on the asphalt. Raphael then started to reverse the car, looking back to check it was on Shawn. The boy only managed to scream for a second, as the rear tire crushed his chest, his cries now a shaky breathing and then a hoarse rattle. Raphael drove forward and then reversed again before he heard a crackling sound like that of dead wood.

He left his vehicle to check out his handiwork. The teenager’s eyes stared vacantly, his mouth twisted into a gristly smile dripped blood, his body was a bloody mess and multiple bones had been shattered. He was dead, but Raphael wasn’t satisfied. Filled with an adrenaline rush he’d never had before, he couldn’t stop. He needed an outlet for his hatred, his rage, his disappointment and his anguish. Leo might evade him, but not HIM. He couldn’t control Leo’s heart and moral sense, but that body, YES. He had to express that power, which would console him for all the other occasions of which he wasn’t master. He took it out on the corpse, trying to use it to make himself feel better, stronger and more powerful and to take revenge on the men, who’d deceived him with their illusory word. The urge to push that thirst to his limit overwhelmed him and he knew he wasn’t finished with Shawn. He was hungry for a bloodbath to help him forget about his disappointments.

Raphael then thought about Mikey’s bloody forearm and smiled. Hadn’t he come there to send a warning after all?

* * *

 

Raphael had finally arrived home. His excitement grew as he thought about the word “Homophobe” carved into the skin of his victim’s arm and about the car he’d torched with his lighter and one of the bottles of alcohol Shawn had bought to erase the evidence. He tried to slow down his breathing, so that he wouldn’t alert his lover and send him into his big brother mode.

He’d searched the young man’s pockets and car before he’d set it alight, hoping it’d just be considered a drug deal that’d gone wrong. He’d only found 120$, but it was almost the price of the chastity device, he told himself, as he licked his lips in anticipation.

He’d made an inventory before he went to the gas station. The prostate stimulator, the lubricant would be useful, as well as silk ropes and massage oil candles that’d probably been bought to put Shawn’s girlfriend in the mood. Raphael judged that only the condoms were useless and he got rid of them. He’d kept a bottle of an excellent whiskey and pleasantly surprised, he’d noticed that the few clothes Shawn had bought would fit Leo and would also justify his long absence. Feeling like a kid at Christmas, he’d counted what would make beautiful gifts for his lover. There were four T-shirts, two polos, three sweaters, one shirt, one tie, one belt, two pairs of jeans, a pair of sports canvas pants and a pair of clean pants. There were also five pairs of boxers and the same number of socks, as well as two complete sets for sports and a very chic and classic leather jacket in the style of his big brother! Leo wouldn’t miss anything for a long time with what April had bought him and his three uniforms. His brother was still clueless about the value of the money and would therefore not suspect anything.

But it wasn’t just  the haste to see his lover’s excited face, as he gave him the gifts that made him run towards him now. The smell of blood and smoke had ignited his senses.

He didn’t listen to Leo’s protests, who wanted to question him. He fiercely kissed him, silencing him. Leo’s lips were so fresh, an oasis, while everything inside of him was a mixture of blood, lava and ashes. He felt drunk or possessed and that he was only instinctively functioning. He didn’t know if he’d feel that way the following day, but nothing was more important than Leo writhing underneath him and Leo being penetrated by him. Providing pleasure to one’s being until orgasm after provided pain, which led to the death of another. He’d never felt in such control before and such a master of himself. He reluctantly broke the kiss, just as thirsty for their contact.

“I want you,” Raphael declared, not listening to questions, refusals or answering questions.

He forced Leo up the stairs backwards into their living space and then into their room, where he gently pushed Leo onto their bed.

“I bought gifts,” Raphael growled in a muffled voice, as if he wasn’t used to speaking. “Now, I want mine.”

Leo’s eyes flew wide, seeming a bit distressed by this unusual behavior in his brother.

Raphael, although something in him remained floating, was reassuring.

"I bought something romantic,” Raphael explained, lighting the candles with the aphrodisiac odor "And want to gently take you. Get undressed and lie down.”

Leo worried, saw the silk cords, but Raphael cut him off, even before he opened his mouth.

 "It's Japanese, Leo. I thought you might like it.” Raphael had read the instructions of all the gadgets at the gas station. "I want you fully tonight. Let me take the lead...”

An expectant gleam shone in the eldest's eyes. He lay down, spreading his legs, signifying his agreement. Raphael smiled. Using his sai on the dead flesh had made want to do the same to a living one and the warmish blood had reminded him of another fluid. The smell of the fire and the burning flesh had reminded him of the sex and the almost agonized shrieks under the car had seemed to be the groans and complaints of Leo before orgasm. Everything was complete and as a bonus, Mikey had peace. It was a perfect evening!

 


	6. Chapter 6

Raphael awoke the next day, calm and satisfied, like he’d never been before. A sweet and pleasant smell permeated the room, the same scent that’d been in his dreams. He glanced beneath him to notice that Leo was curled up against him like a cautious kitten. He turned his head,to check the time, his eyes widening. It was only 5 a.m. and so they could relax in bed for almost another hour, but that wasn’t surprising. The fact that Leo was still asleep and he, an early bird, was awake, was astonishing. Raphael smiled. He couldn’t remember the previous day, but he guessed that he’d exhausted his brother’s caresses and that was for him the most enviable title, besides he felt in great shape and in an excellent mood, which was also a rarity.

Raphael gently ran his hand through Leo’s dark hair, eager to remember something about the previous evening, since he strangely remembered nothing, except that it’d seemed to be highly liberating and satisfying to him.

 “Fearless, hey wake up,” he called softly.

He felt a slight movement on his chest, as if Leo almost wanted to get under his skin, and he heard a vague protest. “Nah. I’m too good.”

 Raphael’s smile widened. Leo had never wanted to stay in bed and followed a Spartan regime that made him get up with the sun. He lightly kissed the black hair, happy to see that his brother was so content with him that he ignored his usual stress,

 “Okay. Rest a little longer, Leo. We have the physical endurance and shooting tests today and I don’t want you to use your lack of sleep as an excuse if your results are worse than mine.”

The teasing had the desired effect. Leo raised his head, his vision still blurry from sleep, but alert despite it.

“In your dreams, Raph,” Leo said as firmly as he could. “Do I have to conclude then that your fetishist staging was premeditated, so you could beat me or whatever?” Leo said mockingly. “Brutal sex won’t do that.”

 Raphael didn’t immediately answer. He didn’t remember anything definite, however, he didn’t have the taste of alcohol in his mouth or a headache. He looked around for clues, which would help him remember what had happened. Not worrying about his long silence, Leo sat up and stretched himself with the grace of a feline. Raphael then noticed the many bruises and hickeys on his brother’s shoulders, shoulder blades, collarbone and neck. Even his lips seemed purple, almost as if they’d been kissed too ferociously. Raphael frowned. Had he done that? He’d always been so passionate about Leo, but had never gotten so carried away. He smiled anyway, because Leo had never appeared so relaxed before. He must have really loved what had been done to him. No matter what it was. And it pleased him that Leo was marked, because he couldn’t act like he was single at the Academy, again. It was a clear warning to anyone, who dared look at him, that Leo was taken.

 He thought that it didn’t matter that he didn’t remember, because the important thing was that the experience had been pleasant. Raphael got up, noticing that he’d never felt so comfortable in his human body before.

And with one question, everything fell to pieces like glass shattering.

 “Do you know that Donnie was furious about your absence yesterday? You vaguely told me that you’d been shopping for gifts, but that doesn't mean you can't answer your phone. Besides, what did you buy, apart from the erotic accessories? I didn't need anything. Is that what's in this bag? "

 The memories suddenly came flooding back to Raphael and he squealed.

 Leo turned around, astonished.

 “Don’t you want me to look? You seemed very enthusiastic yesterday, though. You were….”Leo paused, blushing a little, but stopped when he saw his brother’s ashen face. “Raph, what’s happening? Did it cost you too much? Do you regret getting it? We can probably return it.”

 You have no idea how much it cost, Fearless, Raphael thought, leaning back in bed, as Leo placed the bags of Shawn, the kid he’d killed and maimed, onto the bed. Raphael shrank back, so that the bags didn’t touch them. He noticed that there was a splash of bright red on one of them. It had dried and was a rust color, reminding him about the brutality of the murder. How he was covered in gore an how excited he had been about it. Like some kind of fuck-up cold-blooded murdered. he had a temper, he always knew it, but he never did a so gruesome massacre and had never been turned on by blood. What the fuck had happened?

 Panic overcame him and he sprang out of bed, as if he had the devil on his heels. A stunned Leo gazed at him.

 “Raph, what’s going on? I don’t understand. Tell me the truth? Did you take drugs yesterday?” the ex-leader demanded, his expression very serious.

 Raphael shook his head hysterically, each word Leo uttered, worsening his condition. No. He hadn’t taken drugs. He’d left the rest of Shawn’s merchandise to burn, but he’d almost liked to have taken some to justify his senseless acts.

 He tried to calm down, but he was unable to. He had to confide in his brother before he suspected anything. Mikey would figure it out when he got home of course. Raphael suspected it’d only take an evening until Shawn’s corpse was found.  A scared Mikey would tell Leo everything. Perhaps it’d be better to confess right away and that the leader heard it from him, even if it meant losing him forever and he, Raphael, would shoot himself in the head afterward.

 “Leo, I did something wrong. I know I shouldn’t have,” Raphael said nervously.

His lover smiled warmly and said, “Raph, I don’t blame you. Yes. You were brutal and possessive, but I liked it in a way. You’ve never been so passionate and in control of our lovemaking than you were last night. I think that was our best night. I hope you’ll do that again,” Leo said and winked. Then he kissed Raphael deeply, silencing his confession.

 Raphael suddenly remembered the other terrible news of the previous day. Incest. As if he wasn’t enough of a criminal. Even without knowing about the murder, if Leo knew that what they were doing was regarded as a crime, he’d break up with Raphael. Unless Leo loved him too much to do that. Seeing his lover so indolent and relaxed for the first time his life, Raphael told himself that perhaps, if Leo had more nights like the previous evening, he’d become too addicted to sex with his partner to abandon him. he would be too much in love with him,

 Leo didn’t know what he’d done and he certainly wasn’t going to kill again to retry the experiment, but if Leo loved the brutal sex, he’d give him brutal sex. Anyway, he noticed that it’d also satisfied him more.  It was as if he’d let himself go with no self-restraint and that that had satisfied them both, Of course, that could never happen again. And he had to find something to silence Mikey.

 Raphael nervously ran his hair through his hair and stammered, “Oh, yeah. What did you like the most?”

“You know… It was an amalgam at all ... How about I explain in the shower?” Leo said huskily.

 Raphael quickly obeyed. The sex would occupy his mind and would prevent him from mentally replaying the sordid murder scene. And it might be the last time he could touch his lover before everything exploded in his face and a horrified Leo disowned him.

 Leo pressed his naked body against Raphael’s in the shower.

 “Touch me…Touch me like yesterday,” his brother whispered to an extremely tormented Raphael, who was unable to do anything. He felt like he was more in the mode when he needed to be guided, loved and reassured. He dared not disappoint his brother, but his caresses were awkward, the disappoint clear in his brother’s eyes, although he didn’t verbalize anything.

 Raphael was too tormented by his little brother and what he was going to say to him to put conviction in his embraces. Leo had said that Donnie had arrived. What if Mikey had spoken to Donatello? The genius would quickly figure out what had happened and if he could silence the youngest, the scientist would be another story. That thought made him lose his erection. Leo sighed and decided to leave the shower.

 “Fearless, wait. Stop. I’m sorry. I’m nervous about the exams,” Raphael lied.

Leo’s eyes widened and he said, “Raph, it’s the physical tests. You’ll pass them without sweating! You’re so strong and fit and nobody could beat you.”

 Raphael considered his brother’s words. No. Nobody. Especially not a 17-year-old kid, who weighed 60 pounds less than him. He thought about the blood on the steering wheel, where the cocaine had been, when he’d smashed the boy’s nose. He still felt the feeling of power that had overcome him then. An odd shiver coursed through him. He had to chase away the bloody images, which to his horror, fascinated him, as much as they revolted him.

 He turned Leo towards him, as he was about to leave to get dressed.

 “Look in my eyes, Leo, and caress yourself,” he said in a raspy tone. The same raspy tone Shawn had uttered before the wheel had crushed his rib cage. “I want to see your eyes when you cum.”

 Leo mechanically complied, his eyes locked on Raphael, and forcing himself not to blink, aware of Raphael, who seemed to greedily drink his image in.

 "That's it. Continue. Continue,” he encouraged.

 Seeing the blue eyes roll back and his face flushed with pleasure, calmed Raphael and the magnificent sight drove his dark ideas away. Driven by some instinct still in him despite not being a turtle anymore, he bit Leo's collarbone just at the last moment, while limply, after stretching out like a bow, his lover surrendered himself into his arms. Leo would have fallen to the ground if he hadn’t supported him.

 “Raph, I love you. I need you so much. You’re my anchor,” the ex-leader whispered, recovering from his orgasm. His words had the effect of a balm on Raphael’s anxiety.

Touched, Raphael said, “Same here, Fearless. Let’s get dressed. You must have the sexiest pair of buttocks in a uniform.”

 Seeming broken, Leo nodded and walked to the room, followed by a mocking Raphael. He’d never believed that his leader, who’d been so jealous of his prerogatives and his power, could appreciate submission. But seeing him that way and happy about it pleased him. Leo was always too stressed. He thought about the chastity device and licked his lips. The idea of it excited him just as much as the previous day, although he thought it might not be necessary. Fearless wouldn’t dare cheat when he was obviously satisfied with him, but the image of a Leo, who couldn’t even manually relieve himself without his permission, pleased him immensely. It’d be even more necessary for his brother and he’d be even happier to see him.

 Raphael looked at Leo searching the bags without a shred of remorse, desiring to have the body in front of him and ignoring Leo repeating that he shouldn’t have bought him so much.

 Leo wore gray boxers and Raphael growled, “Take them off. I’m not done with you.”

He climbed on top of his lover, using his weight to keep him underneath him and pinned his wrists to the mattress to prevent Leo from resisting.

 “Raph, that’s enough. We’re running late,” Leo protested.

 Ignoring Leo, Raphael used to his free hand to pull Leo’s boxers down, his cock hard and pressing against his brother’s.

 "Raphael, I said no," the former chief insisted, getting a little upset.

“And I say I don’t give a damn.  Stop protesting and playing hard to get! You know you like it," Raphael scolded between two bites more than kisses on the other man's neck, freeing his hands to take the lube.

 Raphael was lying paralyzed on his back a moment later, a furious Leo glaring down at him. Damn pressure points.

 “What are you doing, Raph? No means no. Yesterday was a game. There’s a time to play and a time when there isn’t. Exceed the limits again and it’s over!” Leo barked, his eyes blazing with indignation, showing that he meant every word. He adjusted his underwear and continued glowering at his brother.

Fear froze Raphael more than the pressure points and crept into his heart. He couldn’t survive a breakup.

“Leo, I….”

“Not a word. I'm going to work. I didn't have time to tell you, but Donnie managed to get, I don't know how, two more vehicles. A motorcycle for you and a car for me. He keeps the SUV to carry equipment. You're happy, right? You always wanted a motorcycle. So when you decide to leave all evening to goodness knows where, we won’t be stuck at home,” Leo hissed, still apparently pissed off about the previous day. “So you’ll have your independence."

 Raphael protested, still immobilized, that he didn't want independence. He’d been stupid to have thought Leo wouldn’t have punished him for his absence. Leo had been bothered about his silence and his attempt to force his brother had awoken his grudge about his worrying evening. Leo was now dressed and Raphael begged for forgiveness.

 “Raph, I forgive you,” Leo said and sighed. “But I want you to do something for me in exchange.”

“Whatever you want, Fearless, but wait until the paralysis wears off and wait for me to go to work.”

“I’ll leave in a quarter of an hour, Raph, but I can’t wait for you. The instructor asked me to arrive an hour earlier to show me the different weapons. I have a shooting exam and I’ve never held a gun before,” Leo said patiently.

“I can teach you better than him and it wouldn’t even take an hour,” Raphael protested, still paralyzed.

“You know I love you, despite your many flaws,” Leo groaned with a touch of tenderness. “Sometimes I feel that love will be the death of me,” he added. Raphael was silent and suddenly felt oppressed. “But now I can ask you what I’ve been wanting to.”

 Leo pulled a red bandanna from under his pillow and gently tied it around Raphael’s right bicep.

 “I’m attaching this to you, because being ambidextrous, it’s always your right that strikes or grabs first. Before making a gesture with this hand, I want you to think about your bandana and remember what you are under your human form. Hamato, Raphael, the mutant I fell in love with,” Leo said seriously. “In this world full of stimuli and distraction, I don’t want you to lose your intrinsic self. Do you understand?" the ex-leader said affectionately.

 Raphael blinked, unable to nod, strangely stirred by his lover’s words.

 “I love you, Raphael,” Leo said and chastely kissed his brother’s mouth. “Sorry about the situation. We'll meet again later. You need to cool down a bit."

 Raphael said nothing, a lump in his throat preventing him from answering, while his brother left the room by sending him a last kiss.

 His mind was racing like a greyhound and he didn’t know how to stop. He’d impulsively committed murder. Mikey would guess that.  Clever Donnie would already know that His green eyes focused on his bandana. Would it have been enough to stop him the previous day?

 Little by little, the paralysis wore off and he was able to use his limbs again. He dressed, still stressed, and went downstairs. He had to talk to Mikey. The smell of eggs meant that his younger brother was awake and had despite his worries, prepared breakfast.

 Mikey was at the kitchen table, morose and picking at his omelet, because he didn’t have much of an appetite. His blue eyes looked hopefully at Raphael and Raphael’s stomach churned.

 “I wanted to talk with that asshole, but I lost sight of him in town yesterday, Mikey.”

 Mikey’s gaze shifted to his plate and his eyes filled with tears. Feeling protective of his brother, Raphael stopped feeling regret for good. His little brother had been terrorized by that brute, who’d deserved all he’d gotten. What he’d done was right. He’d helped tons of innocent victims when he’d dispatched the creep. Mikey looked at Raphael, his eyes full of torment, and silently handed him a plate.

 “But I’m sure he won’t bother you, Mikey. Do you want me to go to school?”  Raphael asked to ward off suspicion, “Did you talk about that jerk to Donnie?”

“No. He’d have told Leo and Leo would have missed his exam, because he’d have gone to see the principal. Or Leo would have asked to have a duel with Shawn’s big brother and it’d have been worse for me.”

 It took all of Raphael’s mastery not to sigh in relief.

 "Why worse? Leo wouldn’t have broken anyone's teeth."

"You don't understand, Raph. You're not in a school. There are sub-rules for every human rule,” the youngest explained.

“Then tell them another rule exists. Don’t mess with the Hamato bros. Leo and I’ll knock sense into their skulls the hard way if necessary. Hey. We’ve known worse than spoiled kids, right?”

“We’re no longer Hamato’s. We’re Johnson and are nothing,” Mikey stammered. “I could defend myself and follow you before and now with this frail body….Why am I so young?  I wonder what Donnie will look like. But he’ll always have his brain, his intellect. Me, I have nothing. Even my nunchakus are illegal,” Mikey whined.

"You do have your skateboard, right? Then there are pretty girls at your school, right? More than in the sewers," Raphael said, trying to be comforting. He swallowed his breakfast. He wasn’t good at consoling, but he was doing his best, trying to be nice to redeem his mistakes of the past month.

“Yes. You’re right,” Mikey conceded. “Even though you're not to be pitied ... Leo told me that there were a ton of sensational babes at the Academy and that they were pretty hot in uniforms," Mikey replied with a wink.

 Raphael choked on his omelet, glancing up at the youngest to see if he was making fun of him, suspecting his affair with the elder. But to his fright, the younger’s remark seemed innocent, Mikey ingenuously waiting for his answer. Leo had made that comment no doubt. The son of a bitch!

 Raphael checked the time. Leo must be almost at the Academy, having left almost forty minutes earlier. And what if the shooting practice story was a lie? What if Leo actually had a date? Maybe a woman had approached Leo and had given him her number when he, Raphael, had been unconscious. Leo taking advantage of his absence, had called her and seeing that he couldn’t join his flame, had pestered Raphael about taking the car, hence the request to have his own, claiming that he, Raphael, wanted to be independent. But it was actually Leo, who wanted to bang bitches in his backseat. Besides, wasn’t it he, who’d left so many marks on the handsome man’s neck? The thought of someone penetrating his lover, even if it was only teeth piercing and biting his flesh, made Raphael see red, even more than Shawn's homophobic remarks. He’d finally received his salary and he knew what his first purchase would be, the padlocked silicone tube. He wouldn’t permit Leo to betray him like that. He wouldn’t let anyone steal his boyfriend.

 Raphael punched the table, making Mikey jump. He searched his pocket with trembling hands and found twenty bucks he’d stolen from Shawn. His heart was pounding and his head throbbing from the pin of an oncoming migraine. 

 “Take the cab, Mike. I'm going to the Academy."


	7. The medical appointement

The bike, a black Suzuki with red accents, was an incredible advantage, much faster than the SUV, enabling it to zigzag through traffic at 110 mph. He did not care about speed limits or security, as he replayed the scenario his jealousy had created. 

Every minute Leo was there without him, was time for them to hug, and he could not let that happen. He twisted the handle more, accelerating. Never would anyone else touch his brother, he alone could touch him. Leo was his, shit, and he was going to make that clear once and for all.

  
By 7:20, he was at the Police Academy, having traveled the route in about thirty minutes. There were only a few cars in the parking lot, since it was still early, and having never seen the silver Audi TT Roadster before, he figured it might be Leo's. He glanced inside, for some clue. 

The interior was admiral blue and, with a grumble, he recognized this model as the most luxurious in the range, fully equipped. Of course, Leo would get something ostentatious, while he had been driving a boring SUV for a month, he thought; although he was not yet certain this was Leo’s car. Then he recognized the handle of one of his brother's katanas; he could see the end of it under the passenger seat, despite it being partially concealed by the seat and a leather jacket, which was precisely the one Shawn had bought.

Doubt was no longer possible. At least Leo was where he had said he was going.

His jealousy still there, he went around the vehicle, going to the passenger side to see if any one had used that seat. His heart was beating fiercely in the chest. He did not even know what he would do if he found any feminine trace, like a trace of lipstick on a cup, but a gurgle in his guts made him guess that he would take it very, very badly. He had not become human for his brother to drop him for another human. Shit! 

He had to admit that the single cup there had immaculate white edges, no lipstick in sight. He was barely relieved, though, too deep in his jealousy to draw real comfort, 

He stepped back and immediately took a photo of his brother's license plate with his T-Phone, not trusting his memory. This would make the bastard much easier to track, given his car type was swarming their neighborhood, especially in this color. 

Turning from the car, he entered the building. He automatically headed to the shooting range.

The other aspiring police officers had to complete sixteen hours of basic and sixteen hours of advanced pistol training, and the same number of hours with the shotgun, as well as an eight-hour course in using truncheon. Raphael had been lucky enough to spare himself several hours of blah. Being naturally talented, and with the staff no doubt tired of hearing him shout loudly, he had finally been allowed to shoot as he wanted after just a few lessons. 

Leo, as skillful as he was, would have no difficulty; although an hour to complete more than sixty hours worth of training, seemed a bit pretentious. His brother, if he succeeded in this test, would arouse either admiration or envy. But that was not what worried Raph at the moment.

Unconsciously, his hand went to his own weapon, before entering.

Leo was there, his back toward him, carrying the regulatory equipment. He was alone with the usual instructor, a graying policeman in his forties, married and father. 

Raphael sighed, released the breath he now realized he had been holding, and dropped the butt of his weapon he had impulsively gripped. He was dismayed to find that he had been ready to shoot if it had been a pretty woman or even a handsome man. He thought back to his way of judging Shawn, who had hit Mikey and drawn his girlfriend.

Had he almost killed someone on the mere assumption of a potential advance on his lover? Where had these sudden murderous impulses come from?

But this was not the time to psychoanalyze, he had to take control of his breathing because Leo, alerted by his movement, had turned around and was staring at him seriously.

"Raph? What are you doing here?"   
  
‘Lie, dumbass, if you don’t wanna look like a fucking neurotic,’ he told himself mentally, before speaking out loud, the first thing that came to his mind.   
  
"Well, I wanted a little bit of practice, too."   
  
The instructor’s expression showed how much he doubted Raphael’s statement.   
  
"Really, Johnson?” the instructor questioned skeptically. “Where’s your pretense of being the best and not needing my classes?"   
  
Raphael's face twisted into a grimace of hatred, at the idiot who dared question him in front of his boyfriend.   
  
"Rivalry between brothers, nothing more,” Leo added, with a nonchalant smile. “Raph wants to make sure that I don’t surpass his talent in just one hour.”   
  
Several emotions mingled in Raphael. His usual sense of competition was piqued. Leonardo had clearly challenged him and he never turned his back on a challenge from the Fearless Leader. Somewhere in him, something told him that the day he stopped defying his brother, Leo would turn away from him. He was also overwhelmingly relieved, because he thought what Leo had just said seemed very credible; the leader probably even believed it himself, not imagining Raph had come running out of a fit of jealousy.   
  
But it was then that the old policeman blew everything away with a question.   
  
"Are you really brothers? It's hard to believe, with two people so different."   
  
"NO!” Raph stated promptly, trying to catch up with their past error by protesting their family ties, but at the same time, Leonardo was responding the other way. 

Leo was frowning at him, looking upset.

The teacher, gaping, looked at them in turn, but Raphael's eyes were focused on his brother's hurt expression. Leo did not understand the denial, he had no idea how hard it was for Raph, to be his brother, and Raph knew he was hurting him. He would have find a way to explain to him, without telling him the whole truth. 

At that moment some other cadets arrived, bringing even more witnesses to such a delicate circumstance.

  
Of course, Leo, after being stunned for a moment, could not stop there. His eyes were shining with tears of anger and indignation, and Raph could almost see smoke coming out of his nostrils.   
  
"How dare you, Raph?” Leo raged. “I spent my youth watching over you and our brothers as an elder. I gave you baths; I treated you when you were sick or wounded; I read you stories before you fell asleep; I taught you, with our father, everything you know. I spent almost twenty years of my life with you every moment and that's how you thank all my brotherly and even maternal devotion, since we did not know our mother?”   
  
As soon as the first words were spoken, Raph hid his face in his hands. Count on Leo to worsen an already impossible situation. After such a statement, regardless of whether they were biologically related or not, their relationship, from a human perspective, would be perceived as twisted.   
  
"Maybe I’m not explaining myself well," Raph stammered nervously in an attempt to backtrack.   
  
"No doubt," Leonardo said imperiously. "If you came to practice, then go for it. I'm done."   
  
Raphael forgot for a moment his passion, their problems and his jealousy to become himself again, fuming with indignation.   
  
"You are an arrogant son of a bitch,” he declared, “who claims to have become better than me with thirty minutes of practice. I will teach you a lesson.”   
  
Raphael, ignoring the safety procedures, got into the neighboring cubicle and shot, just like his brother. Each of them emptied three clips, until they were both calmer.   
  
The instructor decreed that he finally saw that they were truly brothers, being both proud and gifted, but to Raphael's great joy, he gave the victory to Raphael, finding him ‘quicker’ and ’ more natural’ with a gun, but adding that he had a few more hours of practice in the bank. Raphael contented himself, smiling with all his teeth at a slightly discomfited Leo. 

In a good mood, as much to have shown his know-how to his lover, as to see that he did not have to fear an infidelity, he affectionately hugged his brother, who returned the gesture.

  
"Don’t worry, Fearless,” Raph whispered in his ear half-mockingly, taking advantage of their close proximity, “you're still number one in my heart."   
  
He felt his brother warm up in his arms, but not wanting to stir up a scandal, only a quarter of an hour after having protested so much of their family connection, he gently disengaged himself, pretending the examination was about to begin.   
  
The rest of the day went well. Raphael was too occupied with the tests to think about his problems, or even to watch his brother closely. He didn’t even think he was jealous for the twenty minutes his medical exam lasted, while Leo was somewhere else. 

Having finished first in physical strength, endurance and shooting events, and having been declared in excellent physical shape by the doctor, he was happy to have demonstrated his advantage all day.

Jos offered him a cigarette, and invited Raph to join him at the same shabby bar as usual. Raphael's hair stood on end, as he imagined what would happen to him if his brother caught him taking a smoke. He made vehement signs to the policeman, telling him he would pass, as if he had never accompanied him there in the past. When he glanced over to Leo, who was still at the other end of the hall, Raph was relieved to see that his lover seemed not to have paid any attention to the exchange. Leo actually seemed... distracted. Raphael, knowing his brother better than anyone and finding this unusual, looked at him again with very attentive eyes.   
  
Leo seemed in no hurry to leave, wanting to talk to the test manager. 

A policewoman, a pretty blonde about their age, who had passed the tests too, seemed to be trying to coordinate her movements to leave, to those of the young man with black hair. No more was needed to rekindle Raphael’s jealousy.

  
"Leo?” he called out, in suspicion. “Move your ass, would you ? I'm starving."   
  
The elder made an evasive gesture."You came alone on a motorcycle, Raph, remember?” he pointed out. “No need to wait for me. I'll follow you by car. Just give me an hour, I have things to do before going home. "   
  
Anger whipped up the younger's tanned face, doubt giving way to jealous fury.   
  
"Fuck you!” Raph exclaimed, storming across the hall toward his brother. "I'm not going anywhere until your ass is in your car," he raged furiously.   
  
Leo’s eyes widened for a moment, surprised at this rebellion that was incongruous to Raphael’s excellent mood from ten minutes earlier. Then his eyes narrowed with anger at being contradicted so roughly, in public and, moreover, for no apparent reason other than the insubordinate nature of his brother.   
  
"It's an order," Leo let out coldly, out of habit, turning away to signify that for him the discussion was over.   
  
Raphael burst into a forced laugh before grabbing and violently turning his brother toward him.    
  
"I have news for you, Fearless Leader,” Raph told him smugly, “you're not my boss. Here you are only a rookie, like me. You have no authority to give me any damn orders. You have no control over me! I do what I want and if I say that I'm waiting, I'm waiting. You can’t do a damn thing about it," he exclaimed.   
  
An icy glow shone the eyes of the ex-leader, promising to make Raph regret his words later, but he said nothing. Turning disdainfully towards the instructor, he asked him if he could speak to him alone. 

Raph let his brother enter the glass office without too much worry. As long as he could SEE Leo, he was not worried. But he was annoyed at the presence of the policewoman, who was now consulting her phone, apparently using this pretext to stay. Raph did not manage to hold his temper for more than five minutes before aggressively asking her what she was doing.

"I'm waiting for Leo," the policewoman replied calmly. "He offered to take me home, after having accompanying me to go shopping."   
  
The familiar ’Leo’ flowed like acid into Raphael's ear.   
  
"Leo doesn’t have the time; he and I have more important shit to do," he decreed dryly.   
  
The policewoman seemed unimpressed by this display of aggression, shrugged.   
  
"He claimed otherwise, said it was on his way."   
  
Raphael fumed. He knew; he knew that this was little slut Leonardo wanted, a taste of female flesh, back-stabbing him. And there, what was he discussing so seriously, with the instructor?   
  
In a hoarse voice, he clarified his thought, not caring if he looked like a psychopath.   
  
"If you know what's good for you, you'll go home alone. My brother is taken.”   
  
She raised her eyebrow.   
  
"Yet he claimed to know no one in New York and have no one in his life, except his brothers and his father."   
  
Raphael, no matter what the girl was going to think, too carried away by his possessiveness, was about to answer her that precisely. He was all set to tell her that Leo was taken by a member of his family, when Leo left the office, an uncertain smile on the lips, which rang for Raphael as a confession, that his lover had done something worthy of reproach.   
  
"Raphael, did you meet Diana?” Leo asked as he joined them. “I'm going to make a slight detour to drop her at home, after helping her with her errands."   
  
The brown policeman shook his head fiercely.   
  
"Absolutely not. We don’t have time,” Raph insisted “She can take a cab! "   
  
Leonardo seemed horrified at the suggestion and after a murderous look at his brother, politely apologized to the young policewoman, while offering her his arm. Diana burst out laughing.   
  
"Leo! We are no longer in the nineteenth century,” she giggled, and Raph felt like he was about to self-combust from hatred.

The ebony-haired policeman led her out to the car, without a glance at his brother, who followed him regardless. He took his keys out of his pocket, unlocking and opening the door for his passenger, under the ever watchful eyes of Raphael.

As soon as Leo closed the door and was about to go around the car to the driver’s seat, Raph took him by the arm violently, not caring if he hurt his brother.   
  
"What are you playing at, Leo? Why are you doing this to me?” he asked abruptly, digging his fingers into the biceps of the young man's flesh, his eyes burning with rage.   
  
Leo broke free, but without violence.   
  
"And you, Raph? What are you playing at? To fight me in this way, in front of everyone? All but snarling and spitting in people’s faces like a wildcat?” Leo demanded to know. “This is not how we will be accepted. We must integrate, or we will draw suspicion as to our origins."   
  
"They can kiss my ass!” Raph declared. “Nothing could shake me enough to make me want to integrate that much; not if I have to suck up to everyone we meet. But you," he added in a threatening roar, "you are not the same. You want to integrate by jumping all the bitches you meet on your way. That's it, huh? I'm not good enough for you, now that you can get yourself a little blonde pussy! ".   
  
"A blonde pussy?” Leo repeated stoically, vaguely bewildered. “Are you...? Are you jealous? That's why you didn’t want me to bring her back? You’re jealous."   
  
Uncomfortable with his brother's ingenuous reaction, Raph looked down at his feet and only looked up when a crystalline laugh sounded.   
  
"Big dummy. It has nothing to do with it. She has someone,” Leo explained, more tender than angry.   
  
"Oh yeah? "Raphael snapped. "So why did you tell her you were single?"   
  
Undaunted, Leo crossed his arms with a slightly uppity attitude.   
  
"She asked me if I had a girlfriend and asked me the same question about you,” the former leader replied as if it were obvious. “She is president of the social club and is organizing a party for tomorrow, after the tests. She asked me to help her buy decorations, given she doesn’t have a car. She wanted to know if we would be bringing anyone to the party. I told her that I only have my family, and same for you. I didn’t say anything more, because there wasn’t time. I just thought this would be a good way to integrate into our new workplace "   
  
Raphael's anger deflated like a balloon. His brother had only acted out of strategic interest in securing support, to divert attention and ensure peace for their family. It was only Leonardo being Leonardo; a gentleman, who never lost sight of the possibility of creating tactical alliances for the benefit of his clan, their clan.   
  
Raph, proud to the extreme, had a lot of trouble asking for forgiveness, usually, but being particularly stupid at the moment, he did not hesitate.   
  
"I'm sorry, Leo. I was stupid."   
  
"You’re forgiven. But try to trust me more in the future." Leo ended his sentence with a kiss, which Raphael, in spite of the danger of revealing their relationship in this way, deepened, taking his lover by the waist to press him against him.   
  
"Promise," he said after looking around. He was confident nobody had seen them; thankfully the young policewoman could not see them from where she was sitting. 

He really had to do something about this. Leonardo couldn’t learn that what they were doing was incestuous and therefore, criminal, too brutally. To make this work, there had to be fewer caresses in public; and they had to watch their proximity as well, try to remain within the expected limits of them being siblings. Though he did not want to do it at all. He would have preferred to prolong the kiss, but he could not.

"We’ll see each other at home, Fearless... but don’t be too long, babe. You know how quickly I miss you."   
  
Opening his door and taking a seat in his car, Leo threw him a mocking smile.   
  
"You were not bored so much yesterday, when you were doing God knows what,” Leo pointed out. ”I’ll see you soon. Tell Mikey I'll be there in less than two hours."   
  
Raph’s complexion was ashen as Leo pulled out of the parking lot. He had totally put aside in his mind, the day before and Mikey. The youngest would have noticed the absence of Shawn. 

Despite the damage to the body, Raph had to wonder if it had been identified. He was not a professional after all; he had just flayed the hands to remove the prints, and throwing the boy's head and the car's plate into the river, after setting the car on fire and surely almost the whole body.

Nausea took him as he recalled the memory and he vomited before he could get on his bike.

  
What he wouldn’t give to live with his shell again, curled up against Leo's, at home, in the lair? For a brief moment, he wondered if it was too late. Could they live as men in their lair? Or could Donatello restore them to their original form?   
  
He had to talk to the genius about it, even though his pride made it hard to admit he had been wrong, and that Donnie and Leo had been right. How ironic it was that he and Mikey, who wanted this transformation, were the ones who had suffered more!   
  
Even without driving as fast as he had that morning, he still arrived too quickly at home for his liking, in no hurry to confront Michelangelo.   
  
As he came into the house, however, he had the surprise of his life. He had thought was already coming to find him, when a slender brown-haired man with glasses and a serious expression, stepped in front of him and opened his mouth.   
  
"Raphael. There you are," Donatello sighed.   
  
"Donnie?”

The green eyes widened and shone with joy. His great little brother had missed him. "So, here you are with us?” he asked, after hugging his brother warmly. "Leo is going to be happy. Where is Master Splinter? "

Donnie sighed again, without answering.   
  
"Leo is on a knightly mission for a friend at the Academy," Raphael told him dismissively. His jealousy had completely subsided, to the point of describing the girl whom he would have gladly shredded an hour earlier. "Where is Sensei?” Raphael repeated, looking around him. "Surely you didn’t leave him alone in the sewers?"   
  
It was then that a blonde head arrived, crashing into his chest. Recognizing Mikey crying loudly, he grew worried.   
  
"Hey, Mike ... something happens at high school? Is it the guy who...?" he deliberately left his sentence unfinished.   
  
The kid shook his blond curls.   
  
"No... he wasn’t in school..." Mikey explained, crying again. "It's Master Splinter..."   
  
"He's dead..." Donatello finished for him, as gently as he could, though the announcement was for Raphael like a punch in his stomach. "His heart couldn’t handle the shock of mutation. He was... much older than us... and in poorer physical condition," the scientist finished, looking down. "I could not do anything. I'm sorry. I tried, but... I had to burn the body without waiting for you. It was half-transformed. By the time I realized that everything was irrevocably finished... the putrefaction began,” the genius articulated with difficulty "Everything is my fault..."   
  
"Don’t say that, Donnie,” Michelangelo sobbed even more, too taken by his grief to think badly. “If it's someone's fault, it's mine. If I hadn’t told Raph about your conversation, we wouldn’t have insisted on becoming human, him and me. Leo didn’t want it. He said we were happy as turtles and shouldn’t change. He was right. And then, we killed his Sensei, the person he cherished and respected the most in the world. He will never forgive us! It's not you that  he's going to blame, Donnie. You agreed with him, but, we... He won’t even want to look at us in the face, Raph and me!” he finished in heartbreaking sobs.   
  
Raphael's heart sank when he realized that Mikey's words were so true that Donatello did even try to refute them.

Leo did not say anything when they broke the news to him about an hour later. He did not accuse anyone. He especially consoled Donatello, who had had to undergo this terrible experience alone, and the youngest, who kept bawling inconsolably that it was his fault. While caressing the blond curls, wet with the tears of the youngest, Leo protested that it was untrue, since, if he had been more firm in his refusal or had not been so selfish following their example, they would not be where they were now, and so, he was the most guilty, being their leader.

  
Raphael was silent. He knew Leo was sincerely guilty. For love, he had turned away from their father in order to follow his lover up to the surface, sacrificing their father in the process.   
  
Mikey, not having it in him to cook, suggested that they order a four-cheese pizza in honor of their Sensei, since it was his favorite. 

During the sad meal, Leo tried to direct the conversation to another subject, questioning Donatello about his short-term plans.

  
"I'm starting to work on Monday. I don’t need training, like you. There is no protocol or deontology in my job," he explained.   
  
He spoke of his salary, which he had negotiated after analysis. Raphael was not jealous to hear that his brother would make three-hundred dollars more than him a week. On the contrary, it was reassuring. If Leo and he left, Donnie, with that salary and rents, even if Mikey didn’t do anything at all, could survive.   
  
The conversation after a while fell flat and Leo, seeing that none of his brothers had really eaten, proposed they go through to the living room to watch to the television together, which had not happened for at least month. While no other funeral service could be given to the rat, Leo suggested that their father would probably have wanted the brothers to comfort themselves by doing an activity together.   
  
The living room was the largest room in the house, with its cathedral ceiling and overlooked by the mezzanine which was attached to Leo and Raph’s bedroom of Leo and Raphael. A modular sofa, seating up to eight people, occupied the center of the room. With authority, Raph sat down first and gripped Leo by the waist, making him sit at his side. He put his arm over Leo’s shoulder, pressing him against him, in a gesture that although possessive, could pass for a comfort.   
  
The muscular young man, besides being gnawed with grief and remorse, was worried about what his lover really thought. Leo had not said anything; no doubt he had his thoughts on the matter and was waiting until they were alone to unleash his reproaches. But, to Raph’s immense relief, the body of his lover remained curled up against him, not seeking at all to escape the embrace. With a tender gesture, he nuzzled his partner's hair, whispering inaudible words of love for his other brothers, at the end of the couch.   
  
Mikey, happy to have control of the remote, pouted when Leo asked him to tune in the news channel.   
  
Naturally, the first thing that came on the screen was a burning car carcass in the Bronx. An anxious ball formed in Raphael's throat and he could not help but stretch his body, as though waiting for his brother to be violently repulsed by him, but that was not the case.   
  
"Mikey, get me a paper and a pencil," Leo ordered, his eyes bright.   
  
He had to repeat his order three times, while Mikey, frozen as though the television were a Gorgon, stared blankly at Shawn's picture on the screen.   
  
An immense feeling of uneasiness and even, almost panic, agitated Raphael. As he imagined, Mikey's clear eyes turned to him, but he did not say anything, leaving unsaid things hanging in the air between them.   
  
The policeman tried to keep himself calm. Mikey had no proof. He had confessed to him that he had lost Shawn. Why would Mikey question his word? He was his brother! To his great anxiety, his brother's eyes did not express anything, and it was Donnie who brought what Leo had asked for.   
  
"Oh my god, Mikey, this boy's from your school, right? Did you know him?” the elder asked, full of solicitude.   
  
Mikey shook his head slowly.   
  
"Yes and no... He was an asshole. I wished his death, " the youngest confessed, mechanically.   
  
The blue eyes of the new master of the Hamato clan were scandalized and he admonished the youngest for the lack of charity of his words. The kid shrugged.   
  
"Leo, dude, you're the guy I respect most on Earth, but this guy was a jerk, I swear," Mikey insisted.   
  
"Yeah, Leo,” Raphael added, slightly more relaxed now. “If the kid says it, it must be true,” he insisted, accentuating his pressure on his brother’s thigh. “He knew him. If he was as stupid as Mike says, he must have messed with the wrong person."   
  
Michelangelo's gaze was pleased. He turned toward Raphael and gave him a very slight nod, that the dark-haired young man did not know how to interpret. Was that a thank you for intervening on his behalf, or recognition of his crime?   
  
Leo said nothing more as he continued scribbling on the paper Donnie had brought him, listening to the details provided by the reporter, silencing Donnie, who complained that April was not covering this type of event.   
  
Leo scowled at a comment from the journalist   
  
"Anti-homophobic crime?” he repeated cautiously, "What does that mean, Donnie?"   
  
The scientist seemed to be on hot coals while looking at him sideways, Raphael noticed. He suddenly remembered that Donnie KNOWS him and Leo... but how well did he know the rigidity of the human system?   
  
Cautiously, Donnie, unable to escape a direct question from the elder, succinctly explained the meaning of the word.    
  
"Oh ..." was all that Leonardo found to answer, his cheeks on fire and seemingly surprised, when the genius had finished his explanation. Raphael felt his heart crack when the leader moved out of the embrace he had impulsively tightened. "We have a lot left to study in this society."   
  
Raph felt like there was a black hole in his chest, as it seemed to him that his lover was moving further away; it felt suffocating, as if a vital organ had been taken from him. Obviously, Leonardo was too honorable to love a male if it was decried by a part of society.   
  
"Why do you notice all this bullshit, anyway? Raph grumbled, wounded, but not daring to make a scene in front of Mikey as Leo wished to remain unaware of their relationship. And not daring to upset his boyfriend right now, when he felt on the spot.   
  
"Oh, uh... I hope to be appointed to the investigative office,” Leo explained, “so I... get ahead. I need to be, at a minimum aware, of hot issues."   
  
Raphael shook his head, unhappy with the answer and especially the suddenly less warm attitude of his lover. He grabbed his brother to bend him to his height.   
  
"It's almost nine pm..." Raph whispered hoarsely. "We had a big day. What do you say we go to bed?"   
  
"No, Raph. Not before Donnie examines you," the leader answered, not looking at him, still noting information. "He needs to ask you questions. He came for that yesterday, but you weren’t here.”   
  
"Shit no,” Raphael snapped, his blood suddenly igniting, fed by his fear of being put in a box by the genius and his frustration at seeing his lover colder toward him. “Let Mikey answer his questions. He has been human for as long as me. I have enough going on with studying for exams tomorrow..."   
  
"Exactly Raph, it is at the same time to prepare you for these tests," the genius explained gently but Raphael arched all the same."Anyway, it's only a common medical appointment as I did plenty times with you, before." But Donnie's attempt to calm him down failed.   
  
"Why, Leo? You think I’m too neurotic to pass this test?” Raphael spat, angrily.   
  
While Donatello was going to reply, Leonardo intervened to take the face of his lover in his hands, caressing the jawbones of his swarthy brother.   
  
"Do it for me, Raph," he requested tenderly before whispering in his ear, "I'll do anything you want, later," he added with a lascivious wink.   
  
The green eyes gleamed as he imagined binding his brother as the day before, but hoping to remember it this time around.   
  
"Okay," he ceded, "but I swear, Donatello, be straightforward!"   
  
Donnie took him down to the basement, where already a semblance of a scientific installation was prepared and put on his lab coat. Raphael suddenly felt strangely oppressed.   
  
"Raph, understand that the goal for Leo and I, it's just to make sure you're fine..." 

The ’Leo and I sounded unpleasantly in Raphael's ears, even though he knew he was being ridiculous. Donnie was their brother. Ok, he and Leo were too, but Don would not stab him in the back, right? But that brought up more questions for him. Did Donnie know about the murder? Even the kid had understood. Maybe Donnie wanted to get a confession and then keep Leo for himself? These two had always been too close!

Overcome by this paranoid thought, he did not listen to the rest of what Donatello told him and jumped at the first question.

"Do you experience migraines? Vision problems accompanied by violent headaches?"   
  
Raph, suddenly, felt a strange instinct not to lie, but to minimize, while sometimes he felt as though he was trying to open his skull in half.   
  
"Headaches, yeah, though I wouldn’t call them violent..."   
  
Donnie nodded, scribbling.   
  
"Mikey and Leo told me about your mood swings. I know, Raph, that you always had... uh... a quick temper, but Leo told me that it seemed worse."   
  
Raph frowned. When did Leo discuss this with Donnie? Had they only been reunited two days ago? Had his lover really said that or had Donnie wanted to put the bastard between them? A tiny voice was protesting that there were scenarios, but it was stifled by a louder voice that told him to mark his territory firmly.   
  
"Leo didn’t tell you that bullshit.” Raph insisted. “He loves me and I love him, so stay away from us and don’t try to fuck shit in our relationship or I swear, Donnie, you'll regret it."   
  
The scientist, who was always professional and stoic when he put on a lab coat, seemed destabilized by the fit of anger for a brief moment. Then he recovered himself.   
  
"Raph. I don’t want to compromise your relationship with Leonardo. I'm sure Leo likes you a lot and that's why he's worried and wants to make sure you're doing well and that you pass this test tomorrow..."   
  
Donatello ran his hand through his chestnut hair and sighed.   
  
"Let's try one scenario, then I'll take some blood and you can join Leo. Imagine that Leonardo is negotiating during a hostage situation, while you, with other men, must rescue the hostages, but then Leonardo is suddenly grabbed by the man, who puts a revolver on his forehead, What are you going to do? "   
  
The image was almost unbearable for the policeman but he answered spontaneously.   
  
"I'm faster than that bastard, that's for sure,” he declared. “I shoot a bullet in his skull and I release Leo."   
  
"And your mission, Raph? The hostages? Are you going to compromise it for the sole benefit of Leonardo?"   
  
Seeing where the scientist was coming from, Raphael got up angrily and kicked a small table with a kick.   
  
"Don’t worry about what you think... You can’t understand; Leo is everything to me. Leo would do the same for me if the situation was reversed," Raphael insisted, fiercely pointing at the genius.   
  
Donnie, despite his survival instinct, decided to push.   
  
"That's where you're wrong, Raph. Leonardo is a man of duty,” he pointed out. “He would have fulfilled his mission first and then would have tried to save you."   
  
"Fuck you!" Shouted Raphael, enraged as Donnie had never seen him before, throwing everything nearby and grabbing his younger brother by the collar of his lab coat.   
  
"I see what you want to do, Donnie,” he raged. “You’re trying to fuck the relationship between me and Leo, but it won’t work, nothing can separate us. Nothing!" he sputtered in the scientist's face, his fist raised ready to strike.   
  
"What is happening here?".   
  
The voice of the chief sounded as incisive as a scalpel.   
  
"It's his fault, Leo," Raphael tried to justify. “He drives me crazy with his questions and insinuations."   
  
Donnie stared at the floor.   
  
"Go and wait for me in our room," the ex-leader ordered his lover.   
  
Raphael hesitated a moment. He did not want to leave Leo with Donnie, but his lover's polar gaze told him he'd better obey. As he made his way back up to the ground floor, he admitted to himself that he was being ridiculous; He was supposed to be on top of his emotions. He would apologize to Donnie tomorrow.   
  
Suddenly, Mikey's silhouette appeared, enigmatic.   
  
"I don’t know if it's you, Raph. It’s not like you to losing sight of a guy; you are too tenacious. But I wouldn’t say anything to the others," he whispered.   
  
Raphael does not say anything. He suddenly has a very bad headache.


	8. The Library Incident

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Picture by the talented @AlessandreDc

 

Raphael headed to the bathroom and opened the medicine cabinet, taking out the pills he was taking in increasingly larger doses. He splashed his face with water, looked at himself in the mirror and had a flash of what had happened the day before; he’d been in the same position in a gloomy, service station toilet, washing the blood of an abominable murder off of himself.

And now he wanted to hit his brother, Donnie, with whom he could count the number of conflicts they’d had on one hand? Just for the presumption that he had designs on Leo? It was insane. Donnie had confessed his fantasies about their journalist friend, but Raph had to wonder if maybe that was only to trick them and hide his passion for the leader?

Raphael swallowed the pills and groaned. What was happening to him? No wonder he had such a headache with his disturbing thoughts.

Turning off the lights, Raphael lay down in bed and placed a hand on his forehead, while he waited for his brother to join him.

He winced. He hoped that Leo wouldn’t lecture him too much, because his patience was hanging by a thread. He only had the strength to have violent sex if Leo wanted it, but nothing more. He needed to sleep. The upcoming psychometric test everyone was constantly discussing was seriously worrying him.

He thought back to Donnie’s proposed scenario and what the scientist had said; Leo would have put the mission before him. That was bullshit. Donnie didn’t understand anything about his and Leo’s passionate relationship. He’d make Leo confess to his brother, while he was inside of him; he’d make him cry out. Raphael knew he was the most important thing to Leo.

The test was stressing him out, not because he was afraid of failing it, like his brothers thought was possible, but he was afraid of being assigned to a different unit to his partner.

Leo wanted to be a detective, which was an important role, that’d provide a better salary than a simple officer would; it was worth tens of thousands annually. If they were both detectives, the additional twenty thousand dollars a year would allow them to have them the independent existence he wanted for them both a lot quicker.

No more _‘Don’t be so loud, Mikey could hear us’_ when they had their damn own apartment.

Of course, Detective wasn’t the first choice he’d have picked for himself, because he was more a man of action than one of reflection. Analyzing a murder scene wasn’t in his field, but he had a sudden thought that Leo could do it. He could do it too, with a bit of training, and he had no choice. If Leo was promoted as quickly as the following day, he’d probably want to investigate the case in the news that had fascinated him so much. So if Raph was by his side, he could cover his tracks and maybe… At least, it’d divert more suspicion if Leo suspected something.

Yes, but how could he be sure of being in the same unit as his brother?

The Academy officials had quickly gauged his strengths. A sharpshooter of formidable strength and exceptional physical stamina, Raph’s arms were made for something other than filling out reports. His speed and discretion were also astonishing for someone his size and such skills would be wasted in an office. He’d also been congratulated on his manual dexterity: untying ties, assembling and dismantling a weapon, doing a mechanical repair and even defusing a bomb had been as easy as pie for him.

His brother, although he hadn’t proved himself as much as Raphael had yet, was generally as good as he was, but they didn’t have the same strength. Leo was a strategist, a born leader. In all of the previous day’s tests, Leo had been second, right after himself, but despite everything, he had the primary spot. Leo had the immense advantage of being a master of his nerves and of self-control in all circumstances and he’d always been excellent judge of a situation. He earned respect, trust and loyalty and Raph admitted his brother was much smarter than he was and had a depth of vision he didn’t possess.

Leo’s place was thus, somewhere at the top of a hierarchy, while he was only a soldier; gallant perhaps, but not that important. It didn’t matter to him if he had to follow Leo’s orders, that was only natural. What he didn’t imagine, however, was having to obey someone other than his brother. He would never blindly trust anyone other than his brother with his life.

He’d be sent to the field, where the danger was, and Leo would be sent to an office, where the chivalrous men were. He didn’t want his brother to risk his life in a shootout. All he wanted was for them to be together, at least nominally, with him working in the same unit that his brother was in charge of. Working without him would be impossible and Raph wouldn’t be able to function.

Raphael was taking care of his mind at the moment, and even just thinking of Leo alone in the basement with Don, jealousy still devoured him. How could he survive without losing his mind if he and his brother were separated all day. And imagine if they worked on different shifts? He wouldn’t see his boyfriend anymore and an extremely attractive Leo would soon find someone else.

Raphael was lost in his pessimistic thoughts and the door opened, revealing a silent Leo.

Leo’s face was neutral and Raphael sat up, apprehension suddenly overwhelming him. Leo’s expression was the same as the one’d he had in his nightmares of their potential breakup. He still woke up from his nightmares, struggling, his cheeks wet with tears and panting. Alarmed, Raphael made to move toward the ex-leader, but Leo told him to lie down.

Leo strode toward the bed, his expression still neutral. He then climbed on top of Raphael, looking down at him, his blue eyes blazing.

“Donnie told me that you seemed to be jealous of him, Raph. Is that true? If not, can you explain what was about to happen if I hadn’t arrived when i did?”

Raphael swallowed hard, his throat contracting, but he knew Leo well enough to know that lying wouldn’t help him.

“It’s true. I was jealous,” Raphael said, being careful to use the past tense. It was useless for  his lover to know how close he’d been to dragging him out of the basement by his hair if necessary. It was total Neanderthal behavior and Leo would be furious and would consider him too possessive. Although the simple term ‘possessive’ paled in comparison to what he was experiencing: a powerful acid consuming him from the inside. But no matter the feeling, the bad dreams would come true and Leo would break up with him.

Leo sighed and looked weary. “Raph, I’m not hiding anything from you and it’s flattering to see how deeply you care about me, but that’s Donnie, our brother. It’s insane! I could understand if you were jealous about Diana, because she’s pretty and…”

Raphael instantly kicked Leo’s stomach, bristled in rage and tried to free himself.

"What? Pretty? So you admit you’ve thought about it?” Raphael shouted. “You want to screw her and flirted with her to get what you want? Who says you haven’t already done that? You came home late!” Raphael accused threateningly, gripping his brother’s wrist.

Leo was holding his stomach, where his lover had kicked him, with his other hand, but Raphael was too carried away by his rage to be aware of his gesture. After all, he and Leo had been fighting their entire lives, which were futile according to him, and therefore Leo’s behavior at first glance, didn’t shock him. The idea of Leo caressing Diana’s curves was worse than any physical wound would be.

In a quick movement, Leo reversed the grip and grabbed Raphael’s arm.

“That’s enough, Raphael!” Leo coldly commanded. “I asked you this morning to focus on yourself before you act impulsively. Your bandana wasn’t enough, despite your promise. You threw a jealous fit in front of a colleague, you almost hit Donnie with your pointless possessiveness and you hit me too, just because of your imagination. Maybe me moving to Master Splinter’s room will remind you of the importance of thinking before you act.”

Raphael swallowed his anger, as he faced Leo’s, which, cold and controlled, was much more intimidating than his own.

Spurred by insults, Raphael could knock over furniture and break things, and blinded by fury, he could always pretend not to think about what he’d said or done. The leader, on the other hand, kept his head, weighed up every word, and therefore was serious when he’d stated that he wouldn’t spend the night with Raphael, or any in the future, for goodness knows how long. Leo never made empty threats and always did what he’d said he’d do and was particularly ruthless for his punishments.

Raphael had to admit he deserved punishment for his stupid actions. Not to mention Master Splinter’s death which, nagging and ever-present, remained on Leo’s mind, even if it wasn’t entirely his responsibility. Leo was their Sensei now and if there was one thing Leo never joked about, it was discipline.

Leo would deprive him of sex for months as a punishment and would also prohibit any form of intimacy, which would be the pinnacle of suffering for him. Raphael could survive not having sex, albeit with difficulty, but the idea of not being able to touch Leo at all, of not feel his body curling up against him under the covers at night, begging for his warmth, of no longer hearing his words of love tenderly whispered, was unbearable. It was already quite painful to only be able to express his love in the bedroom and now that was being taken away from him.

“How long, Leo?” Raphael asked in anguish.

“However long it takes for you to come to your senses and for you to become the Raphael you were again.”

Leo’s words were nonsense to him. He was himself.

“Leo, I swear I haven’t changed,” Raph insisted, needing to make this clear to his lover. “Can’t you see? It’s all due to the possible competition on the surface. It’s stressing me out. You admitted you were jealous when I was on my own, so you can understand, right?”

“That’s true. I was jealous and I’ve never been so unhappy in my life than during those three weeks,” Leo conceded calmly, showing that the worst of his anger had already passed, but that his resolution had not changed. “But I love you too much to let that horrible emotion destroy you and corrupt our relationship. And I’ve never gone to the extreme, like been jealous of Mikey.”

Raphael heaved a relieved sigh; hearing that Leo still loved him despite everything, reassured him. Leo tightened his hold on his brother’s wrist and Raph knew then that he was still going to be punished.

“I don’t want to stay in separate rooms either, Raphael, but if that’s what it takes to calm you down, then so be it,” Leo told him. “In any case, the separation will be doubly useful. Mikey’s extremely traumatized by our father’s death. I don’t want him to find out about our relationship and shock him further,”  Leo explained seriously.

Raphael thought Mikey already knew things that were far more traumatic than their elderly father’s death, but he couldn’t tell Leo that. What could he say anyway? He wasn’t a talented speaker, far from it, and even worse with a stubborn interlocutor like his brother. Raphael was desperate to find a solution, because he had the feeling that if Leo got used to sleeping alone, it’d spell the end of their relationship.

His pride was gone. He’d kneel, would plead for Leo’s forgiveness and for him to change his mind. Throat tight, Raphael sorrowfully repeated his question.

“How long, baby? How long are you going to make me die slowly away from you in order to punish me for loving you so much?”

Raphael knew he looked pathetic and miserable, but he could lose his pride easier than losing Leo.

“Raph…” Leo’s tone was already softer and Raphael had an idea.

“Why don’t you physically punish me? Didn’t you say that punishment has to fit the crime?” Raphael said in a low voice. “Hit me for striking you, insult me and threaten me. Possess me for being too possessive, but don’t deprive me of you. That’s what makes me unhappy,” Raphael continued, encouraged by the leader, who remained silent and seemed to be considering his proposal.

Raphael knew his lover and he had enough sexual experience with him to know how to turn Leo on and how to distract him from his anger. Leo had few weaknesses, but flesh was one of them. Raphael wouldn’t complain if that could get him off of the hook and also to get him off.

He knew he’d hit the bullseye when the blue eyes he loved so much became hooded with lust.

“Very well, Raph, but you’ll do what I say,” Leo warned, and when Raphael nodded frantically, he let go of his arm. “Turn around. I’ll tie you up, like you did me to yesterday.”

Eager to please, Raphael obediently raised his arms, and Leo moved to bind them there.

Leo looked at Raphael appreciatively when he’d finished.

“You’re beautiful,” he said as he caressed Raph’s body with his hands. “I wish you could see yourself.”

Leo’s hands roamed lower, confidently grabbing Raphael’s cock and beginning to stroking it with his skilled hands.

Raphael moaned. It was sublime being helpless and delivered to his brother, but Leo suddenly spoke, his breath against Raphael’s cock.

"I'll give you what you want, Raphael, but on one condition."  
  
He grunted, but was ready to agree to any request from his lover, so he’d receive the blow job.

“I want you to take the medicine that Donnie will prescribe for you, to take every day.”

And Raphael knew then that Leo had never planned on sleeping in the other room and that he’d been manipulated.

That didn’t prevent him from gratefully promising.

\-----

Raphael woke up, alerted by his alarm clock again even though he didn’t remember setting it. His mouth and head felt like cotton, his limbs were heavy and stiff, but he was satisfied. Their night had been scorching; his brother had been as passionate and as intense as he could be under his Fearless-leader mask, and Raphael couldn’t be happier.

Wanting to get up, he noticed with astonishment that his arms were still bound to the bed.

Leo planned on playing with him again, he thought in delight. Although it was already late and they didn’t have much time, he didn’t have any objection. Nothing turned him on more than when his brother went into a super alpha mode in bed.

He patiently waited for his partner’s arrival, although the loud ringing of the alarm, which he couldn’t reach, began to seriously annoy him. Leo must be feeling naughty, Raphael told himself, forcing himself to remain zen, even though the elaborate sexual scenario, with a hard morning ahead and the fact that it was already 6:45, wasn’t his brother’s style.

But after ten minutes, uncomfortable with his numb arms, feeling thirsty and his impatience escalating, he decided to call his brother.

“Leo,” he yelled, ensuring he was loud enough to be heard over the alarm clock.

There was no response and he tried again.

By the fifth “Leo,” Raphael believed it was less likely, as the minutes ticked by, that they’d play a sexual game. He bristled, his blood boiled and with one quick gesture, he broke the rope that bound him to the bed, the cord having more of an erotic aspect than a restrictive one. With his freed hand, he managed to open the drawer, remove his sai and cut the remaining cord, completely freeing himself. His arms had gone numb, so Raphael shook them to get feeling back in them. Then, he stretched his muscles for a few seconds, savoring his freedom of movement, but not for long. Leo’s absence greatly concerned him.

He headed to the bathroom, which was unoccupied. Then he returned to the bedroom and opened their cupboard, where Leo had carefully hung up all of their clothes the day before. It didn’t take long for Raphael to notice that one of his lover’s uniforms was missing and that he’d therefore been awake for some time.

Perplexed, but his bad mood winning out, Raphael dressed without even showering, even though he smelled strongly of sex. It was already 7 a.m.. Why hadn’t Leo woken him up? Why hadn’t he untied him? Why hadn’t Leo waited for them to shower together?

Why?  
  
Raphael hated asking questions that fuelled his pessimistic imagination, but he hoped, as he went downstairs, that he’d get a quick response from his lover and then a sweet kiss on the lips while Mikey wasn’t looking, to chase away his fears.

Needless to say, when he didn’t see his lover, brother, and future colleague at the table with their siblings, bile filled his mouth and a grimace twisted his features.

“Where’s Fearless?” Raphael questioned aggressively, not bothering with a greeting or any decorum.

Donnie frowned.

“He’d already gone when I got up and he left us a note,” Mikey replied.

“Give it to me,” Raphael demanded and Donnie handed it over. His eyes blazing, he read his brother’s impersonal note.

_'Gone earlier to study codes at the Academy Library, L.’_

Not a word was written specifically for him, no hint of their night together or the upcoming day, Raphael noticed, crumpling the pale blue paper in his hand. There wasn’t even an excuse or a damn explanation for leaving him tied to their bed after using his body all night.

And what was that library story? Certainly bullshit. The library was closed at this hour and opened the same time as the courts, if not later.

The bastard must be banging a girl, or a guy; but most likely a girl, because of how attractive that novelty was. Assured of his freedom to make his fantasies a reality, Leo had slipped away and left Raphael bound like a slave. He had gone to start the day, tasting a pussy after his cup of tea, without fear of interference from his lover.

Seething with rage, his blood boiling and his temple throbbing, Raphael saw Donnie’s lips move, but he heard nothing. He grabbed his leather jacket, his keys and his helmet, but Mikey stepped in front of him and placed a friendly hand on his shoulder.

“Raph, wait,” he said. “You haven’t eaten anything. You can’t go to your tests on an empty stomach! Leo said they were critically important! Wait a minute and breakfast will be ready! Leo will be fine studying on his own.”

Raphael shook his head, radiating so much rage, that he had the digressive thought that if it’d been a cartoon, flames would have appeared above his head.

“No. I’m not leaving Leo alone so he can fuck chicks behind my back!” he said, roughly disengaging himself.

“What’s wrong with that?” Mikey asked with a frown, taken aback by Raphael’s reaction. “If Leo can score with a girl, that’s great for him, right?”

“No!” Raphael snapped, losing control, and every passing minute without his lover in sight was growing more unbearable. “Because Leo’s mine, okay? We’ve been fucking one another for three months already. I love him and I won’t let anyone steal my boyfriend.”

He stared unfazed at Mikey’s bewildered expression; he might have found it comedic in another circumstance. Grabbing his helmet, he left.

Raphael was so furious that he didn’t even watch where he was going, automatically driving to the Academy, even faster than the day before, zigzagging through the traffic and ignoring his common sense.

Just like the day before, there were no more than twenty cars in the parking lot, which made sense given it was only 7:30. Raphael quickly spotted the silver Audi. He was briefly relieved; if Leo hadn’t been where he’d pretended to be, he didn’t know what he’d have done.

Just like the day before, he went around and checked for the possible presence of a passenger in his brother’s car, but he saw nothing. His heart was still pounding and he fought against the urge to let off some steam on his brother’s car, despite the rage he still felt.  No matter the reason, Leo had no excuse for fucking him, abandoning him and leaving him tied up like a criminal.

He was seconds away from exploding, as he continued thinking about it, and entered the building. He had no idea where the damn library was, but he was going to grab someone and shake them up for a clear answer or yell until Leo came out.

Raphael met a security guard, demanded to know how to get to the library before, still fuming, he headed upstairs. He had barely listened to the guard’s instructions; the man had seemed too scared to be precise anyway. Instead, Raph let his instinct guide him. It must be the reptile in him, because he seemed to “feel” his mate and he finally reached the library.

The first thing he saw were his lover’s firm buttocks, enhanced by his uniform. Leo was bending over the librarian’s counter to do goodness knows what.

It didn’t matter, because Raphael saw red. He grabbed his lover, spun him around and gave him the most powerful hook of his life.

“Motherfucker!" Raph exclaimed.

  
Leo’s startled expression became incredulous when he recognized his lover. Anger flared in Leo’s gaze as he held his jaw and his fingers touched his busted lip.

Raphael had learned to dread the moments when his brother’s serene eyes, which were like a calm sea, took on the reflection of a storm. But he was too blinded by his rage to pay attention, as he snarled like a wild animal and gestured like a possessive puppet trembling from top to bottom with fury.

“How dare you, Leo?” Raph raged. “How dare you leave me like that, tied up at home like an animal and fuck off without me? Huh? How could you do that to me? You’ve no right to go off on your own! You belong to me!” he bellowed, suddenly grabbing his partner’s sleeve to drive his point home harder, not caring about the scandal it could cause or the resentment on Leo’s face.

Leo released himself with one movement and kicked out at his brother, causing him to collapse to the ground.

The security guard arrived and as he lay on his back. It was then that Raphael suddenly realized that the frightened librarian was a tiny woman in her late sixties with a gray bun and old-fashioned glasses. She’d been the only person in the library with his brother at that early hour. She’d probably called for reinforcements by pressing a panic button.

Raphael closed his eyes and mumbled, “Shit.”

Okay. Leo was a jerk for leaving him tied to their bed, but once again he had to admit that his jealousy was unfounded. Obviously a model student, Leo had gotten up early to catch up on his studies. He didn’t have a date. He didn’t have a beautiful model, who’d been screaming in pleasure as she was mercilessly fucked against the bookshelves by the Fearless leader, like the mental picture Raphael’s vivid imagination had created.

No. Leo had wanted to borrow books, and glancing at them, Raphael saw that none of them were about the Kama Sutra.

_‘General criminal law and police powers’_

_‘General Criminology’_

_'Stress management and police work’_

_‘The hidden faces of crisis intervention’_

_‘Police interventions’_

Raphael didn’t need to read the titles of the other books to prove that Leo was a perfectionist nerd and a teacher’s pet, and that he was a fucking paranoid neurotic.

His brother didn’t have a secret lover. Leo wasn't cheating on him.

And he’d hit him in the face, in public.

Raphael knew his brother was very jealous about his position of power. Leo was only a recruit at the moment, but he was destined to climb up the ladder and therefore, Raphael suspected, this scandal, which would be very humiliating for Leo, who hated ‘bad attention’, wasn’t going to do him any favors.

His mind consumed with these thoughts, he heard Leo say coldly, “Argument between siblings. Nothing more."

Raphael didn’t listen to what the people around Leo said. Everything sounded like a buzz, apart from Leo’s deep voice. Leo had taken the last book given to him by the librarian, thanked her and was now walking away, leaving Raphael on the ground.

Leo hadn’t hurt him when he’d caused his fall, only shocked him, but Leo’s disdain for him made him feel like his heart was shattering, leaving room for only coldness. He’d still messed up, which he kept doing lately, and if he didn’t act NOW, he’d lose the man he loved for good.

He finally managed to force himself up and ran after his brother. who surrounded by officers as he strode away down the corridor, which was rapidly filling with other future police,  heading to their classes or like them, to their tests.

“Leo! Leo!”

Leo didn’t slow down and went to sit in the auditorium between Diana and Garrett, making it impossible for Raphael to sit next to him.

Raphael, however, refused to let Leo stay out of his reach and he sat in front of his brother, so he could force him to look at him. Leo had to listen to him. Raphael wasn’t solely to blame and Leo had to admit that. Raphael couldn’t stand the idea of Leo holding onto this misunderstanding for long.

“Shit, Leo!  Listen to me and understand!” Raphael said desperately. “I woke up alone and….”

Leo’s eyes were as steely as his katana. “Raphael, you shouldn’t focus on me, but on the psychometric test. You need to,” Leo said frostily, looking away from his shattered brother.

Raphael understood what Leo meant and his temper flared again. He knew very well that Leo hated scandals, but Raphael couldn’t help himself, not when there was such a cute girl sat to the right of his brother and a guy, who had been publically hitting on Leo on the left of him.

“Kiss my ass! Don’t act like I’m only to blame!” Raphael said, incensed. “Okay. Maybe I got a little too upset and overreacted, but….” he tried to justify.

“Upset and overreacting, like you were yesterday and the day before that? Is that it?” Leo hissed in a low voice, unimpressed with Raphael’s attempts at validation. “I’m fed up of finding excuses to justify your extreme reactions and bad behavior, Raph. I’m fed up. Really.”

The protests remained stuck in Raphael's throat. The marked intonation of ‘ _I'm fed up. Really’_ could not hide what his brother truly meant. Leo was tired of him and had just told him they were breaking up.

Too upset to answer, Raph turned his back without answering, and livid, he went to find somewhere else to sit further back

He stared at the schedule, barely seeing it.

8:00 to 9:00, psychometric test. Then, from 9:00 to 9:30, aptitude test and study of character. Then there were the oral interviews. People whose last name started from 'A' to 'L', had their interview from 9:30 to 12:30; Then from 1 pm to 4 pm, the others. Each meeting, lasting between 10 and 15 minutes, and would be used to deepen or qualify the results of the written tests.

Raph didn't give a fuck about written, oral or even a sung test. His complexion was ashen, his mouth dry and his heartbeat racing, his brain just looping over the _‘I'm fed up. Really.’_ All the while his own voice was in the background was repeating, _‘It's over. It's over. He ended things with you.’_

The paper was placed in front of him and it might as well have been written in the Cyrillic alphabet for all that Raph understood. The damn kanji of Leo’s haiku were easier to read. There were four hundred and fifty-five questions, but even if there had been only one, that would have changed nothing.

Leo had broken up with him.  
  
He glanced at his brother, five rows forward, his neck bent over the sheet as he scribbled with the dedication of a nerd. A cloud of helpless anger invaded Raphael again. His brother did not seem to be disturbed at all by what just occurred. It was as though Leo hadn’t just broken his heart, right before this damn important test Leo had been talking about non-stop for the last few days. Like Leo didn’t know that now Raph was in no state of mind to answer any of the questions.   
  
He looked again at his paper. Was it worth trying to answer? Or would it be better to get up, get out of the Academy and dive into the East River with his new bike?   
  
That's when his phone vibrated silently. Subtly he pulled it out and read the message he’d received.   
  
_‘Donnie and I wish you good luck with this test. Put some effort into it. You know how important it is for Leo. And happy for both of you! :D’_   
  
With tears in his eyes, Raphael considered the smiley emoticon his younger brother had sent. The youngest, who had only just learned of their relationship, could not have guessed that it was already over. Raphael ran his hand nervously through his hair, biting his bottom lip until it bled.

Was Leo's decision irrevocable? After all, yes Raphael knew he had behaved like a moron and a jerk, but his lover was not blameless this time. It would be best to discuss it calmly, when they would be alone, even if he doubted having the patience for it.

But if he wanted to regain Leonardo’s heart, then the first step was to pass this damn test. If he failed, he would lose his lover’s respect for life. He couldn’t allow that to happen.  
  
He noticed that he had written his brother’s name in the margins of his paper and that nearly fifteen minutes had passed. Trying to concentrate, he attempted again to read the instructions.   
  
_‘The psychometric test includes several scales for assessing each individual. These measures, among other things, the risk of excessive use of force, difficulty in relationships, interpersonal relationships, causing material damage to the property of others, criminal conduct, misuse of weapons, mishandled emotions and lack of integrity.’_

At this reading, Raph felt a mental pinch, remembering the skeptical glances his brothers had had about him passing this test. He was not a genius, but he was not an idiot bastard. He knew he had an intense personality ... to put it mildly. That Leo, so measured and reasonable, stayed with someone so irrational and passionately impulsive, like him, for as long as he had, was already a fucking miracle in itself.  
  
Raphael knew his moods were unstable and he had proved it abundantly in only the last hour: he had driven 120 mph at the risk of causing an accident, had seriously thought about vandalizing his brother's car and hit Leo with all his might, under simple presumptions of infidelity, which proved false… again.   
  
And his brothers didn’t even know how much he had crossed the line lately. He repressed this thought. If he did not think about it, perhaps he would be able to forget it, to the point that one day he might be able to deny events in good faith.

He continued reading:

 _'You must decide to what degree you agree with each of the following statements. For each question, you must indicate whether you strongly agree, agree, disagree or strongly disagree with the statement you are given. There are no right or wrong answers. Just give your honest opinion or preference..'_   
  
’No right or wrong answers, my ass,’ he grumbled, internally.

How was he going to get out of this mess? This test was created by damned geniuses, like his brother Donnie, the kind of guys impossible to deceive. He read the first statements quickly to get a general idea:

 _1\. I think patrollers do real police work._ _  
_ _  
_ _2\. Every police officer should expect to lose his life in the performance of his duties._ _  
_ _  
_ _3\. I am more embarrassed than sociable._ _  
_ _  
_ _4\. I would prefer to be an explosives technician than a negotiator._ _  
_ _  
_ _5\. I feel bad because of some things I did._ _  
_ _  
_ _6\. People know when I'm lying._ _  
_ _  
_ _7\. It's wrong to lie to a suspect, even if it does not break any rules._ _  
_ _  
_ _8\. People will lie and cheat to get what they want._ _  
_ _  
_ _9\. I never drive faster than the speed limit._ _  
_ _  
_ _10\. I am more comfortable indoors than outdoors._ _  
_ _  
_ _11\. I am rather sensitive._ _  
_ _  
_ _12\. The average police officer is loyal and honest._ _  
_ _  
_ _13\. The public should not know too much private information about a police officer._ _  
_ _  
_ _14\. I would benefit from working under the supervision of an experienced police officer._ _  
_ _  
_ _15\. Authority is important and I must be subject to it_   
  
And that was followed by another four hundred and forty more... in 40 minutes… And the migraine was there again, his head throbbing painfully.   
  
Raphael was in deep shit. He had no idea what to answer. If he fucked-up this, he wouldn’t be able to work with the same unit as Leo, who would have probably have only the right answers. And if he fucked-up too much, he wouldn’t be allowed to work in the police force at all and that would be a disaster.

If he had been able to sit next to Leo, he might have been able to catch a glimpse of his copy. Anyway, if he could have sat next to him he at least wouldn’t have been so stressed out! So, he decided to try to put himself in Leonardo’s shoes to answer it, given his brother was the most honest person in the world.

Raphael knew his lover as the back of the hand and know how Leo had mostly likely answered. And so he set to work on completing the paper.  
  
He looked up several times to see how his brother was doing. When he was at question ninety, he noticed that Leonardo had laid down his pencil; he must have finished.   
  
He was only on question two hundred and twenty-one when he heard the sound signaling the end of the test.   
  
The sweat beaded on his forehead, while he was turning in his paper, and he told himself that, having not even fully answered half of the test, he was done.   
  
The aptitude test had not posed any problem for him. He wrote his answers automatically, summarily; but frankly, convinced that he had just failed this test and thus disappointed Leo, his life was over.   
  
He glanced again at his brother, while people whose name began with a letter from M to Z, were leaving. Leo stayed with the others in the classroom and Raph hesitated about what to do.

The few cigarettes shared with Jos had done him good, soothing his nerves. So he got up to follow him, knowing that by name he would be the last and therefore, had time in front of him. Down the front of the room was Leo, who did not notice or was indifferent to Raph getting up to leave; he was lost in his reading of the many books he had borrowed from the library and which had been the real cause of his early eagerness.

The cigarette and the fresh air did him good, seeming to reduce his heart rate, and he stayed outside for more than an hour, trying to regain his senses and calm. But when he returned to the Academy, still thinking only of his brother, Raphael was meticulous to wash his hands and buy chewing gum in a vending machine, so as not to upset Leo any further. Then, walking in front of the cafeteria, he bought a bottle of water, a muffin and a cup of tea for Leonardo, as a peace offering, taking a simple bar of protein and an orange juice for himself; he was too upset to have an appetite, despite his empty stomach.  
  
When he came to stand in front of, Leo, who was reading, blue eyes raised toward him. The sadness in the sea-eyes was so palpable that Raphael blamed himself for having doubted his lover. His brother was not cruel or insensitive and he loved him. Why had he so easily questioned this love?   
  
"Hey," Raphael whispered, "I brought you a little something."   
  
Leonardo's smile was forced as if he were likely to burst into tears from one minute to the next, and Raph could not help taking his hand.   
  
"Leo? What's wrong, babe? Is it about your test?" Raphael murmured, lifting his other hand to caress the black hair. It was not cautious, he knew, but he could not help it, craving for physical contact and tenderness, so as to relieve his painfully tormented soul.   
  
Leonardo pulled away quickly and mumbled, “It’s not that,” grief piercing in every word.   
  
Raphael bit his lips in dismay.   
  
"I know I'm an asshole," he admitted, still in a low voice, "but you see, I love you so much, Leo, that..."   
  
He could not continue, his mouth having been covered by Leo’s hand, his blue eyes burning with incredible intensity, wanting to communicate an emotion so intense that Raph was disturbed. His brother was not usually so emotional.   
  
"Shut up," Leo admonished, but with desolation. "Please. Don't say those things anymore."   
  
Raph was now even more concerned and worried than before. Leo didn’t seem pissed off anymore, but still serious about the end of their relationship. The dark-haired young man opened his mouth to protest that, until his last breath, he would proclaim his love, but he did not have time.   
  
"Johnson, Leo."   
  
Leonardo rose stiffly and passed Raphael without a word of explanation.   
  
Frightened, Raphael's gaze turned to the book his brother had been reading before his interruption, and his heart froze in his chest when he understood.   
  
_‘Sexual assault and other sexual offenses’_

Anxious nausea twisted his gut, as he hesitantly grabbed the abandoned book on the table. A page-marker indicated the last page Leo had consulted, and Raph’s heart melted at the sight of the bookmark, which his brother had procured, he did not know where. It was a miniature replica of a katana, probably used to open envelopes, but whose guard was adorned with intertwined red and blue braided threads, probably from their old bandannas. On the blade, was even the name of his brother and he briefly felt a jealous suspicion about the origin of the object, but he drove away. Leo was right; jealousy was a useless and destructive feeling that had just pushed him into shit lately.

  
The important thing was to know what his boyfriend had read to upset him so much and after taking a breath, Raphael read a few random sentences, then closed the book, almost hyperventilating.   
  
_‘Victims of incest present a Traumatic Developmental Disorder, which looks like a Borderline Disorder.’_ _  
_ _  
_ This resulted in an exact description of his personality and a lot of references to the abuse of power by the eldest of siblings and Raph suddenly felt sick. Leo, of course, was going to feel guilty. Feeling suddenly dizzy, he dropped into the chair, remembering how it all began. **__  
**   
They were about 12 and a half years old, at least according to the age that Splinter had given them. They had once again had one of those epic arguments, about whatever. It happened to them more and more often so Raphael didn’t even care about the reasons anymore. Something about Leonardo annoyed him so much that every opportunity was good for a confrontation.

_He had retired to his room, in a bad mood, after Master Splinter, once again, sided with the leader and lay with his arms crossed behind his head in his hammock, when Leo had entered, without his permission._

_  
_ _Raphael had wanted to knock him back, but he had approached him anyway._ _  
_ _  
_ _"I'm tired of our arguments," the leader said darkly and before Raphael could protest that ‘if Leo had not been such an asshole first’, he had him aggressively, pinning him and kissed him with authority._ _  
_ _  
_ _Raphael had suddenly felt... complete. It was as if all these years he had worked with a vital organ missing and that, suddenly, with this second lung, he breathed better. Leo, when he felt him respond to the kiss, came out of his trance and tried to apologize for his impulsive gesture._ _  
_   
"Shut up and keep kissing me, stupid," Raphael had said, or something like that.

_So they went on, Leo letting himself be dragged into the hammock, exchanging kisses and caresses. Then, several weeks later, for about five months, Leo started venturing into his room; the things remaining still in the preliminary stages, until one night, the elder pushed things further by touching him._

_  
_ _He had already touched himself at age thirteen, but it had no comparison with feeling another hand other than his own on his cock. His orgasm had been so powerful, looking like Hiroshima, delivering him from all these accumulated frustrations. The need to have more took him and Leo's attempts became routine over the next year._ _  
_   
The pleasure of their actions and the thrill of the risk of getting caught, had quickly become addictive, and they spent their nights touching, caressing and kissing each other. Each time was as exciting as it was unbelievable.

_Raphael had a strong physical need to touch his brother and to be touched by him, and he was struggling to keep his hands to himself during the day, Leonardo having put the absolute secret as a rule. But, he was happy; these nights seemed delicious to him from the point of view of a fourteen-year-old mutant. He had not had time to go further, at the time, because after doing some research on how he could be even closer to his brother, and strengthening the bond between them, and just before finding the audacity to ask Leo to possess him, his Eden had broken out._

_Leo had gone on a long-term mission, under the command of Master Splinter, and Raphael had thought he was going mad with the pain of what he regarded as abandonment. During Leonardo's absence, Raphael realized that what he tied him to his brother was not just sex. If he had suffered so much from this separation, it was because he loved Leo since childhood._ _  
_   
Nearly two years later, after the leader's return, it would take them a long time to fall back into their intimacy. Leo had become almost a stranger to him and Raph was still mad at him for his absence.

_It was only the risk of losing his life that had finally brought them closer once more, after Raph had shunned and fought with him for more than a year. Pride was primarily the cause, not to mention the grudge and also the fear of being rejected._

_Who said Leo was still feeling something for him? And by the way, who said that the leader had ever felt something for him? Leo had never said as much in clear words._

_So he was just masturbating, three times a day, thinking of the leader and hating him for not seeing his distress. Then came one morning the highly traumatic idea that perhaps Leo would seek the same kind of comfort from their younger brothers if he, Raph, continued to mouth off to him._

_Jealousy had been more powerful than desire._

_One night, he had copiously drunk himself to find courage and inspiration and finally confessed to Leo that he needed him and wanted to share this intimacy with him again, which he had never stopped thinking about._

_Leonardo had immediately opened his bed to him and things had quickly warmed up. They had a full sexual relationship for the first time; Leo took the lead and Raph had known that he would never be able to live without sharing a bed with Leo again and his brother had slipped in his room each night after that._

_Fed up with keeping their love like a shameful secret, Raph wished to put it in full light, topside. The purple mutagen was supposed to be the solution he was looking for._

  
Leonardo, obviously, had to blame himself, since he had instigated the sexual aspect of their relationship and believed that his exacerbated borderline personality was the result. It was all wrong; if he had had the temerity, he would have approached his eldest first. He was not a victim, on the contrary; he lived only for Leo's flesh against his own.

He loved him. Leo made him happy.

How could Leo mix human minor abuse with what they had lived? Yes, according to the given age by Splinter, they had been minors, but it was obvious that Leo had been decreed senior by chance or more certainly, by favoritism, considering his appearance was actually slightly younger than his own.

Don had told him that Raph was twenty-five or twenty-six-years-old, which meant that when the touching had begun, Raph was probably twenty and Leo, eighteen years old. It was rational. Raph at supposedly thirteen-years-old had been as huge as a professional wrestler. The age Splinter gave them didn’t make any sense.

  
He had never felt ‘abused’, ’molested’ or ‘raped’. On the contrary. He had only to look at himself. A guy like him was not a kid you could force.   
  
But how to convince his brother of this, while in addition, Leo was furious with his behavior?   
  
They should never have become human. It was Leo who had been right.   
  
He thought again of his brother, passing his interview. But he had seemed so upset a few moments earlier. Would Leo fail this interview because of that? With him who had surely failed his written test. What would become of them if they both failed? The Fearless Leader would not recover from this humiliation, he thought, biting his lip.   
  
The time seemed unusually long as he waited, compared to what each candidate was supposed to spend in the office and the time on his phone confirmed that Leo had been there for about forty-five minutes. What was happening? Why three times the allotted time? Wasn’t it Raph’s turn? It was not that he was anxious to have his failure confirmed but he needed to see his brother and convince him that he was not a victim and Leo, not an abuser.   
  
As he was about to enter the office, after pacing for another five minutes, the door opened and he found himself face to face with one of the instructors.   
  
"Johnson, Raphael."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm kind of depressed lately about my writing and would maybe slow down a bit. I will try to still update at least twice a week


	9. Bang Bang

Raphael hastily and uncertainly entered the office, not having seen his brother leave it, which meant he was still in there.  
Indeed, Raphael’s inquisitive eyes immediately landed on him, but the closed expression of his lover's face revealed nothing about his thoughts or feelings. Under the direction of the committee of five instructors and Chief Vincent, who didn’t recognize him, he sat down, gasping with anxiety.

“Mr. Johnson,” one of the men said. “We won’t beat around the bush. We checked your brother and your results first and since you were so warmly recommended, we were curious if you’d succeed after such a brief training. We therefore immediately gave your results to our specialists, who analyzed them first, while we passed on the other candidates for the interview. The fact is your brother’s achieved extremely promising results, which with what we’ve witnessed, suggests that with theoretical training and field experience, he could climb the ranks very quickly.”

The man fell silent, hoping that Raphael would grasp the hidden meaning of his words. Leo was promising. Not him. Raphael nodded imperceptibly to indicate that he wasn’t surprised by what he’d heard and that he accepted it.

"Unfortunately, your profile’s not that clear,” the second man explained, trying to be diplomatic. “Although you promise to be a brave, strong officer in the field and you’ve demonstrated skills worthy of the best snipers, your personality’s more problematic for us.”

Raphael stood motionless, suspecting what’d follow and his brother fidgeted in his chair. Leo couldn’t stand his younger brothers being criticized by others.

The third man continued, “You seem to have a problem with authority. We can’t see you following orders of anyone and you seem at first glance too impulsive and reckless to be in command of a squadron, unlike your brother. He’s offered to be in charge of you, but we have some doubts, because you also seem to have problems with him. You hit him in the face in front of witnesses this morning and even though your brother downplayed the incident, it greatly concerns us.”

The man placed Raph’s examination paper full of the name of his brother everywhere in the margin, in front of Raphael and Leo’s discomfort was clear, despite his poker face.

“Your brother explained that your father’s just died and that, coupled with your recent move, is why you achieved those results. The test shows us that you’re unstable and even on the verge of being dangerous, but your brother claims and even gave us his word of honor that it’d be reduced in a few days, so we came to an agreement with him, which we want you to know.”

The chief instructor, who hated Raphael, concluded, “We absolutely want your brother, but he refuses to accept a position if we don’t also hire you, so we’re offering you a position, but you’ll be on probation for three months under your brother’s indirect authority, since he claims that you’d do better working under him, because he’s a kind of parental figure for you.”

Raphael swallowed hard. With Leo posing as a “parent” their relationship if it still existed, wouldn’t be simple. He felt his brother’s cold stare that was challenging him to refuse the agreement and he nodded.

"Yeah, even if it doesn’t seem obvious, I respect my brother. I love him very MUCH, “Raphael said with emotion, his face expressing how sincere he was.

“Yes. Your brother must also like you to negotiate so much. Without his insistence to intervene in your favor and his threats and also our Chief’s support ... " the man said and sighed, clearly reluctant to engage with him.

A brief silence followed, which Raphael broke. “So, how exactly will it work?” Raphael questioned. His pride rebelled at the thought of getting a job, because of his brother’s blackmail, but he knew he couldn’t rebel. Leo must have been extremely ashamed of his result. Anyway, being engaged and working with Leo and even for him was a better scenario than he’d feared.

“You and your brother will be assigned to our counterterrorism office, but on different teams. Your older brother believes that it’d better for your integration that you mix with others and we also agree. You’ll be affiliated with the CRC, which are agents cherry picked for their competence and who are sent to the front line in the event of a terrorist attack. You’ll be trained in special weapons and long-range rifles, the detection of traces of explosives, radiation or nuclear or other biological and chemical weapons. You’re an excellent shooter and very skilled with your hands. You defused the bombs much faster than the others during your stimulation, so we’re putting you in charge of the explosives squad in addition to your assignment with the CRC and you’ll be a sergeant.”

The captain’s voice had become animated and friendlier, showing he admired those skills, but Raphael’s heart was still heavy, because Leo didn’t want to directly work with him."Understand that is a honor, having such position without years of recognized service."

“And my brother?” Raphael asked.

“He’ll be in the same department and will be a lieutenant.”

“What? Only lieutenant?” Raphael exclaimed, outraged, to Leo’s shame.

That was pretty much the only thing he’d had learned from those courses. The grades. He thought Leo deserved better than a lowly rank of lieutenant and he should have been at least captain.

The instructor explained in an offended tone, “Your brother has a lot of responsibilities for someone so young and who has no formal training or experience and who’ll be in charge of the arrests and of taking care of the prisoners. It’s a key position and very rewarding.”

Raphael, however, didn’t seem convinced and thought that Leo had deserved better with all of his merits.

Chief Vincent said calmly, “Johnson, your brother’s gratefully accepted the position. Such a promotion at his age is absolutely unusual. It may even arouse protests and jealousy. The ranks of sergeant and lieutenant demand examinations from which we’ve exempted you with the mayor’s consent. The position of lieutenant at this office was vacant and his immediate superior will retire in three years’ time. Your brother will then be able to run for the position after having proved himself and when he’s passed the exam. We’re grateful to you, but you need to win with your badge, like the others do.”

Raphael would have aggressively retorted that Leo didn’t have to prove himself, because he’d saved the damn city enough times, but he chose to keep quiet, because of Leo’s aura of cold anger and because he remembered that a lieutenant sometimes went in the field and wasn’t content with administrative tasks. He could, therefore, see Leo more often, because Leo was one rank higher than he was. Lost in thought, Raphael didn’t really listen to the other information.

“Your brother will explain your schedule and your duty station,” one of the instructors said.  
Since it was now time for the break, Chief Vincent got up, followed by the others. Leo also stood up and shook hands. Raphael hastened to imitate him, not because he wanted to be respectful or to show gratitude, but because he didn’t want to shame his brother again.

He’d barely finished shaking hands and Leo had already left the office, headed to his place, where he’d left his books. Raphael followed him and was about to talk to him about the “readings” and distorted information, when Diana asked Leo if he’d come to the party.

Despite Leo’s gallantry and his desire to make allies and friends, Raphael, who knew his brother well, could see the hesitation on his beautiful features. The new lieutenant probably had no desire to be in a crowd and preferred being alone, so he could argue with Raphael all evening. Anyway, Raphael couldn’t wait to explain himself, but to his disappointment, Leo confirmed his presence and turned to his brother.

“And you, Raph?” Leo said, feigning nonchalance. “Are you coming to celebrate with us or are you going home?”

Leo was really a fool if he thought he’d leave him alone all evening when they were at loggerheads and moreover when there was a cute woman around. So Raphael smiled as politely as possible, saying that sounded fun and drinking didn’t happen often, so he couldn’t miss it.

The girl, who was waiting for her interview, said she’d meet them at 5:30 p.m. at the Academy for the announcement of the results. Then she asked if they’d go home or they would wait, because they’d already had their interview.

“No. I have some stuff to do elsewhere here with my brother,” Leo replied, motioning for Raphael to follow him.

Raphael felt his throat tighten. He both desired and feared the moment. He knew he would have to use a lot of eloquence to explain the punch and even more to convince his brother that their relationship wasn’t based on incest. It was a huge challenge for someone like him, who was more physical than verbal, to explain his emotions with words, rather than using his fists or his cock.

He followed Leo without saying anything until they’d reached the parking lot, knowing that if he immediately tried to justify his actions, it could lead to a public scandal, which wouldn’t work in his favor. His brother sat in his car and Raphael understood that Leo had chosen the Audi’s interior, so they could discuss their dispute. But that wasn’t the case, because Leo remained silent.

A few minutes passed and Raphael thought his brother was going to drive them home, but when he saw that his lover took the highway in the opposite direction, he was baffled. He said nothing, though, trying to think of a valid point for his impending fight with Leo. Anyway, he soon got his answer where his lover was taking him. Leo parked his car outside a motel.

Raphael frowned. His brotherly surely didn’t have sex on his mind. He was suddenly frightened, as Leo quickly exited the car, certain that his brother would tell him he’d sleep at the motel from now on and was no longer welcome at home.  
Leo went to the front desk and rented a room for a four hour “nap” and Raphael’s heart swelled with hope. His brother’s libido sometimes ignited during their arguments and Leo was throwing and dodging punches with a noticeable hard-on. That may be the case today. Raphael still didn’t know how far his brother’s dark side could take him in his fantasies, but he was dying to find out. If the clerk had found it odd that two muscular policemen had asked for a room, it didn’t sound like it.

Eager to learn the end of the story, Raphael followed his brother into the small room and enthusiastically obeyed when Leo asked him to handcuff him and to lie on the bed. Leo’s request wasn’t unusual, because his controlling nature often took over, even in the bedroom.

Raphael didn’t react further when his brother, after using his own handcuffs to tie himself up in bed, snapped them onto his other wrist. He wisely waited for his brother to remove his pants or whatever he was going to do to start his erotic scenario. Reconciliation sex with Leo was always incredible and confident, so Raphael didn’t resist or question him. It went without saying that Raphael didn’t expect the powerful hook his brother gave him.

“Shit!” Raphael cursed, his jaw aching. “You tied me up, so you could hit me? For a guy claiming to be honorable and who I’m used to calling Fearless, I expected better from you.”

“I could do a lot worse to you,” Leo said darkly and Raphael realized it was Leo’s answer to his own hook earlier in the library. At least Leo had waited until they were alone, but what about the handcuffs?

“Yeah. I deserved that,” Raphael said with difficulty, his jaw still throbbing, and watching his brother pacing by the bed and nervously clenching his fists. Leo wasn’t usually carried away by emotions and Raphael knew he’d really Leo’s limit this time. He’d crossed the line by punching Leo in public and he tried to come up with ways of mentally defending himself against the onslaught that’d come from his brother. A mad Leo was unpredictable and sometimes ruthless.

“Leo,” he called in a supplicating tone, but his brother waved his hands dismissively, cutting him off.

“How dare you do that to me, Raph?” Leo spat, but with more despair than anger. Raphael wasn’t sure what he meant. The hook? His poor performance on the exam? The secret about incest? Or worse, Leo had discovered what had happened to Shawn? Shocked and not daring to worsen his case, Raphael chose to be silent and to flinch under his brother’s wrath.

“You knew about it. Don’t act like you didn’t. That’s why you pretended to be my brother yesterday. You found out about it and you chose not to tell me. Worse, you let me continue having condemnable intercourse with you. You let me act like a criminal,”Leo yelled, distressed.

So that was it. It was the deal about the incest and Raphael was almost relieved, despite seeing how upset Leo was about it. At least them being raised as brother wasn’t wrong to Raphael. He’d hidden the fact, but it wasn’t for a bad reason. Only to protect their relationship. Leo had to see that.

“Leo, damn. That has nothing to do with us. One, Don said we’re not biological brothers for real. Look at the four of us! None of us look alike! Secondly, I didn’t let you abuse me. I want you, just as much as you want me. We aren’t victims. None of us. We’re both consenting and participative. And we’re adults. We weren’t kids when it started either. The age Splinter gave us was wrong. I must have been at least twenty. And just like today, I wasn’t a vulnerable victim, okay? I could have stopped if I’d wanted to. Have you looked at me? I’m not a helpless seven-year-old girl!" Raphael snapped, feeling an incoming headache and how hard this argument would be.

Leo briefly glanced at him. “You’re physically imposing, I grant you, but you’re emotionally fragile. It’s that aspect I’ve abused,” Leo said mournfully, overwhelmed by obvious guilt. “I loved you and forced you to love me back the way I wanted.”

Raphael rolled his eyes, exasperated by the display of remorse he thought ridiculous. “Did you hear me, Leo? Damn. I love you. You didn’t abuse me. I want you. I need you. I need you.” Raphael explained with conviction. “I asked out of my own to have a deeper relationship. Remember? If it’s anyone’s fault, it’s mine. You did nothing wrong.”

“You must have Stockholm syndrome. You feel sympathy for your abuser and you’re afraid to destroy our family. It happens to a lot of victims,” Leo said in a hitching voice, choking back sobs.

Raphael wanted to shake to his brother and to explain that he was making a big deal and crying over nothing important, but he couldn’t, because of the handcuffs, and he grew mad. That was the reason for the handcuffs. Leo wanted him restrained, so he could force him to obey Leo’s unilateral decision. It’d be over his dead body. Leo wouldn’t win the fight using this cowardly manner.

“You’re fucking delusional! I’m not a victim. I’m your lover out of my own free will! It’s not a damn syndrome and I don’t feel sympathy for you. I don’t care about our family’s opinion. I’ve always wanted to live our relationship openly. I wasn’t ashamed to love you at the time and I’m not ashamed now. Morals and the laws of humans mean nothing to me. Nothing!” Raphael spat.  
His declaration seemed to displease his brother.

“Raph, you’re a cop. You owe it to yourself to respect the law!” Leo said firmly.

“Fuck that. If I have to choose between you and the law, I know what my decision is,” Raphael said fiercely.

Leo’s sea blue eyes studied Raphael, but without really looking at him. Raphael understood that for Leo found the situation untenable and that he was using all of his faculties to keep his Fearless mask, but Raphael could see behind his cold façade that his lover was heartbroken and less willing to break up than he pretended to be.

“Yes. You know your decision, because you don’t have to make it. I’ll do it for you. I’m sorry for all the harm I’ve done to you and without claiming that I can fix everything, I can at least give up all that exceeds the boundaries between siblings with you from now on.”

Raphael’s heart ached so badly, that it seemed like his chest had opened. He’d had a feeling that Leo would do that when he’d found out about invest, but that didn’t mean he was ready to hear it. He tugged the handcuffs and spoke, almost foaming at the mouth.

“Fuck you, Fearless. You can’t break up with me when I’m handcuffed to a motel bed and can’t do anything! You don’t have the right to call it quits like that! You don’t have the right to decide for the both of us,” Raphael yelled, half mad and half desperate.

“I’m the eldest and if I say it’s over, it’s over.”

Raphael shouted all the curses he knew, while tugging on the handcuffs so hard that they pierced his flesh and made him bleed, but he didn’t care. He could lose a wrist. The important thing was convincing Leo, who wasn’t his brother or the eldest and most important leader of anything, since their transformation and their father’s death. Leo was his superior and he had to report to the post, but their relationship had nothing to do with their work. After an hour of swearing and feeling that his brother hadn’t changed his mind, Raphael felt drained.

“Leo, look at me. Look at me, babe,” Raphael pleaded. “And tell me you don’t love me anymore and I’ll try to accept it.”

Leo looked at him and said, as he turned away, “I can’t.”

Relief surged through Raphael when he heard that. Leo, despite his inflexibility, still loved him, so there was still hope, but he had to act sensitively.

“Babe, you know I love you more than my life. I always have. You’ve never harmed me and I’m well, as long as I’m near you. I need you to feel at peace.”

Leo looked at him doubtfully and said, “No, Raph. You’re not well. I don’t even know why you hit me this morning. Not to mention the other “incidents” that have occurred recently,” Leo said darkly.

“I hit you, because you left me tied up like a dog in front of a shop,” Raphael hissed. “You can’t say I’m wrong about that!”

Leo opened his eyes wide in surprise and said, “That’s true. I got up early. I slept badly, worried about the test I wasn’t sure I was ready for. It was dark in the room and I didn’t want to wake you by turning on the light. I fell asleep after we made love and… I forgot you were tied up. You seemed to be having a good rest. I dressed in the dark and met Donnie in the kitchen. I asked him where I could find out about….All the human laws that we know nothing about. He saw that the library opened at six thirty and mentioned that’d be a good place. It was almost five thirty and I immediately left. I didn’t want to go back and wake you up about my personal concerns. We went to bed late.”

Leo’s story made sense and the lieutenant seemed sincerely contrite, which slightly soothed Raphael, but Leo remained adamant about his decision.

“It meant nothing and you know I’m right. You’re jealous, possessive and aggressive and not in a normal way. You always had a temper, but I think it’s not just because you’re hot-blooded. You’re not well, Raph. I know it’s my fault somehow and I’m trying to fix that,” Leo said in a much sadder tone than a commanding one.

Leo seemed truly serious about him being the cause of Raphael’s supposed mental illness and an idea hit Raphael. Leo couldn’t be so certain after just skimming through a textbook.

“Did you talk to Donnie? Did he tell you to get a book about sexual assault? He’s the one, who made you have those guilt ideas, isn’t he?” Raphael asked crossly, unable to remain calm.

“No. I briefly discussed homosexuality with him, but that’s all.”

“Are you afraid of pointing fingers and insults? Is that it? The Fearless Leader’s scared?” Raphael sneered, but with tears brimming in his eyes.

Leo shook his head and said, “No. Homosexuality isn’t a crime and it doesn’t bother me after being a mutant my entire life. If it was just that, it wouldn’t be enough to make me give up on you. Anyway, let’s be realistic, Raph. You’re not the kind of person to mock, unless one’s suicidal. Nor am I, so I’m not scared of insults.”

A thought suddenly occurred to Raphael and he pushed it away, trying to focus on the fight with his lover.

“So, what are you going to do, huh, Leo? What’s the purpose of going through all of this?” Leo was silent and Raphael insisted, “I love you. Nothing makes sense without you. I know it’s just as unbearable to you as it is for me. Why are you doing this? Why are you doing this to us?”

“Raph,” Leo began with difficulty, as if he were trying to convince himself. “I agree it’s hard, but you’ll thank me later. You loved me, because we didn’t have many options in the sewers, but we’re on the surface now. You’ll find a girlfriend and you’ll be able to build a better future with her. You’re a good man, you’re young and you have a career. You can buy a nice apartment with your income and….”

He was interrupted by Raphael, who’d darkened in rage, and who now, unable to contain himself, exploded.

“You fucking bastard! I knew it. I knew it. You wanted to get rid of me and you were looking for an opportunity to do it! You want a dream life with a chick and a golden retriever. That’s why you negotiated our positions so hard. You wanted money, so you could live on your own! I wouldn’t just sit back and take it like a little bitch. Shit…..”

Raphael paused, struggling with his emotions, swallowing his tears and lowering his head. Leo briefly believed he was about to accept it. His heart ached, but he ignored that. It was the right decision and Raphael would be more than happy. His little brother had wanted to be human, so he could be out in the sun, in daylight, and so that he didn’t have to hide the fact he was having sex with his own brother. Now that he knew how sick that was, Leo could never touch him again, despite his deep love and his still attraction to him.

Raphael then suddenly started shaking so furiously that the bed threatened to break. He screamed in rage, not listening to Leo’s claims that it was wrong and begging him to shut up and to calm down, so that he wouldn’t hurt himself. Raphael listened to nothing, swearing to Leo that hadn’t finished with him.

“You asshole! It’s not over! I swear!” a still incensed Raphael roared, his voice hoarse with his raw emotion and all of the yelling.

Leo looked at him blankly to hide his feelings. He knew that it’d take tenacity with Raphael and he should stand firm, even if Raphael’s fury could equal that of a tsunami.

“You’d better believe that I’m going down fighting, Leo, and I won’t stop until you change your mind and you’re mine again!”

“If I say that it’s finished, it is,” Leo said firmly. “And It ends now,” Leo growled through clenched teeth to make his point, despite his own breaking heart. Why was Raphael giving him such a hard time? It was already so hard. “Take control of your life again. You’re no longer the Raphael I knew. You’ll be better without me.”

“Fuck that! You can say shit! You’re not done with me, because I’m sure as fuck not done with you,” Raphael bellowed, his face twisting in rage and pulling so hard on the handcuffs that blood dripped from his wounds onto the beige duvet.

Seeing the heartbreaking sight, Leo let his tears fall, after battling for so long to contain them. He cupped his brother’s face with his hands and looked at him, trying to calm him down.

“Raph, I’m begging you to calm down. Seeing you this way breaks my heart,” Leo gently whispered.

“How can you expect me to be calm?” Raphael shouted. Then, seeing tears stream down the face he cherished, Raphael spoke in a softer tone. “If only sexual aspect of our relationship bothers you, we can be chaste lovers, right?” he tried. “Nobody at work will know. We’ll only sleep together at home and without me touching you, okay? We’re soulmates, Leo! If that’s what it takes to be yours, I won’t touch you ever again. I swear. You’re more to me than a sex partner.”

“Raph, how can you expect to hide that?” Leo replied logically, but with gentleness. “You constantly watch me at the Academy. We work with experienced detectives. They’ll soon find out and will denounce us. And you won’t be able to live without sex for a long time. You’re since now, but you’ll think differently in a month’s time and you’ll be tired of chastity,” Leo tried to reason.

Raphael closed his eyes, not listening. He was past the boiling point, it hadn’t gone anywhere and he was exhausted. He had no energy and was despaired. Leo had been torturing him for hours and every ounce of patience and had reason had vanished. Leo obviously, didn’t want to break up any more than he did, but he refused to admit it. Raphael knew Leo like the back of his hands and knew how stubborn the ex-leader could be. Leo needed to be cornered, so that he’d realize it and if Raphael had to do that, he would. Leo needed a push and he was at his last resort. Desperate situation called desperate measures.

Raphael had an idea, but Leo had to release him in order for it to happen.

“Release me, Leo. Let me hug you one last time,” he pleaded. “So I can feel your hair, caress your skin and kiss you. I want to memorize your body one last time, baby. I didn’t know that last night would be the last time we’d make love. I swear I’ll be calm.”

Leo hesitated, but seeing his bleeding wrists and his imploring green eyes, he yielded. In any case, he couldn’t leave his brother tied up for so long. It was already 4 p.m. They had to leave the room in just over an hour’s time to return to the Academy. His brother had to be calm and reasonable by then. He’d therefore accede to his request and would heal his wounds. And, Leo had to admit that he was dying to hug Raphael and to feel his muscular arms around him. The day had been gruelling and had requited a lot of self-control and tenacity. He was exhausted, emotionally drained and as worn out as Raphael was and he needed comfort.

Leo had just unlocked the second handcuff, when Raphael leapt at him, violently pushed him onto the back and climbed onto him. A Glock barrel was pressed against Leo’s forehead before he could blink.

“I told you, Fearless. You’re not done with me. Retract what you. Tell me it was just bullshit and that you love me. Tell me that you love me, that we belong to each other and that we’re not over,” Raphael furiously demanded, unable to contain his rage in front of a paralyzed Leo.

All a stunned Leo could do was look at him. Raphael looked at him manically, the revolver pointed at him. Leo had never thought that’d happen and in spite of his words, he hoped that Raphael wasn’t that unhinged. He hadn’t told Raphael, but he’d talked to Donnie about it that morning, about what his brother should do, the scientist unsure which combination of meds would have the least side effects. He’d asked the genius to wait, saying that things and the routine would soon return to normal, and he had to admit that he’d been wrong. Raphael wasn’t doing well. While doing so, his brain too shocked to record the rantings of his boyfriend above him, he even found himself holding his breath. Leo forced himself to deal with the unexpected development, his intensive training of Fearless Leader taking over the shock.

“You can kill me, Raphael. That won’t change anything. You won’t have what you want. You can't bully me that way to stay your lover."

Raphael looked at him with his burning eyes for a moment, seeming not to have understood the words, since they weren't the ones he wanted to hear. Then his golden green eyes gleamed dangerously and he immediately removed the revolver and pressed it to his own temple.

Raphael chuckled sarcastically and said, "What about this, Fearless? What are you gonna do? I hope you’re ready to clean up my brain splatter and my blood and you’re ready to explain why I killed myself in front of my brother, who’s such a promising NYPD lieutenant."

Leo’s stomach twisted. He could handle it when the gun was pointed at him. He wasn't afraid of death and had often stared it in the face, but with his beloved lover and brother, it was something else. His heart thumped, his brain raced, as he tried to think of a way of getting the weapon from his lover, but that was physically impossible. Although Raphael wasn't his usual self, he was determined and if Leo made the slightest movement, Raphael would press the trigger. Leo felt like this was similar to a hostage situation.

"Raph, please. Put that gun down. You're not serious. You're young, have so many reasons to live. Think of our friends and our family," Leo begged.

"I'm dead fuckin' serious, Leo. If you no longer wanna be part of my life as my boyfriend, I don't wanna live. I'd prefer to blow my brains out, rather than listen to your crap about my happy future without you," Raphael said coldly, his eyes stony and emotionless.

The unusual expression on his lover chilled Leo to the bone. Turtle Raphael had never stared at him that way, even during their biggest argument. Raphael seemed lost in an inner world that Leonardo couldn’t reach.

"And," Raphael added. "I'm so fucking tired after listening to your damn bullshit about us. I can't wait anymore. I'm counting up to ten, Fearless. If you don't retract everything, I will kill myself. One, two, three…"

Leo had been congratulated on his quick and accurate judgements of the situations but he didn't deserve those praises. He’d greatly misjudged Raphael’s state, because he’d been blinded by his love, but he saw it now. The green irises had that exalted glow of a madman and Leo wanted to bring peace to his brother more than anything and not pain and madness. Firstly, because he was convinced that it was all his fault. He’d read that incest had disastrous psychological consequences for the victims. And also, because, despite everything, he adored his brother in every possible way. He was for him, even if it was strange and wrong, like his lover and his son at the same time. His suffering must be strong for his companion to be brought to such extremes and his heart was aching, because he was witnessing it. The decision to separate from Raphael, even if he was indifferent, had already been difficult to take. He’d expected protests and that was why he’d handcuffed him. He hadn’t wanted it to turn into combat or into sex. Raphael, like nobody else, knew how to distract him with his body and he knew all of his weaknesses. Yes. He’d foreseen a certain resistance, but in front of such accents of pain, he felt helpless. He had only one word to say to calm all the pain and to stop the madness. Putting him at the foot of the wall, as if reading his thoughts, Raphael warned him, looking deadly serious.

Leo’s mouth uttered words inspite of himself, as his brain screamed for more time.  
"Raph, let's make an agreement, okay? You promise to take your meds and I’ll, uh, think about it if you’re better."

Raphael, who’d stopped counting to listen to the proposal, remained expressionless and gripped the butt of the weapon tighter.

"Three, four… "

Leo knew he wasn't bluffing. He’d never dealt with anyone wanting to end their life before, but he knew his lover. It wasn't just emotional blackmail. In a few seconds, Raphael would shoot himself in the head if Leo didn't promise to remain his boyfriend and admit that he still loved him. It wasn’t even a lie. Leo still loved him. He’d sincerely hoped that Raphael could find happiness elsewhere, even if it hurt him, but he’d doubted it. Raphael loved him more than anyone had ever loved him. He’d sincerely hoped that Raphael could find happiness elsewhere, even if it hurt him, and serve his brother by breaking up, but he suddenly doubted that. Raphael loved him with as much strength, if not more, than he loved Raphael. He could never recover from his death. Raphael only asked the truth and for so little. Nothing he couldn’t give. Maybe Raphael was right and they could live that way and establish rules to preserve both the secret of their relationship and the mental health of his brother.

"Seven, eight, nine," Raphael said in an emotionless, detached voice that Leo didn't recognize.

"Stop," Leo said, trembling. "I promise you. I'm still yours. I didn't think about what I said. I love you too much to lose you."

Raphael grinned. He finally lowered the revolver and said, "I knew, baby. You only needed a little push to admit it. You’re a stubborn bastard, but I love you anyway."

Raphael hungrily kissed his lover, while Leo tried not to vomit from anxiety or to have a nervous breakdown, as he recalled what a 'little push' was. Leo lay down on his back and didn't resist the eager fingers that were undressing him and then stroking him. And he didn't really listen to Raphael's passionate declarations of love. He was still trying to deal with all that had happened.

Leo turned his head, giving access to his neck, his eyes not leaving the weapon on the bedside table. He dared not move, afraid of upsetting Raphael and making him get the weapon and to turn it on Leo and then himself.

"I know what you're thinking about, Leo. We'll be late for the announcement of the results and your friend’s party. Don’t worry. I’ll mark you everywhere, so they’ll all know who you belong to when we leave here,”Raphael mumbled between two greedy kisses.

Leo didn’t answer, punctuality never having been so far at the back of his mind before. He let his brother enjoy his brother. Raphael had promised to stay chaste and he hadn’t even been able to keep his promise for an hour, but Leo stayed silent, even when Raphael breached him, his blue eyes still staring at the weapon, as he felt fearful for the first time in his life.


	10. Appeasement

How Raphael had succeeded in giving him two orgasms, despite everything, was beyond his understanding. It must be said that his brother knew his body like no one else and sometimes, it seemed to Leo, that Raphael knew him better than he knew himself, knowing the exactly how and where to stroke him, so that his resolution crumbled like a house of cards. 

The hothead had put in particular effort this time, making love to him with such care and feeling, as if to be forgiven his previous attitude. Leo had forced himself to remain receptive, not wanting to upset his brother who sensually encouraging him to let go. Sex with Raphael normally bathed the worried soul of the former leader. But this time, despite the tenacity, passion and talent of his partner, his heart was not at peace, instead beating like a drum as he remembered the scene that had just occurred.

  
Raphael had threatened to commit suicide, in order to force him to stay. And Leo was suddenly afraid, very afraid for the future. 

It was not that he feared his brother, although Raphael had pointed his revolver at him. He was more worried about Raphael himself and the others. If his brother did not control himself in his presence while in public, then everyone would understand the true nature of their relationship and terrible problems would arise. Leo would end up in jail, for sure, which Raph would be unable to stand; not to mention the secret of their origin might be revealed to the public. He did not want Mikey, for example, to suffer the curiosity or taunts of his peers.

  
He was thinking about that, as the shower water ran, Raph washing himself while he refused to let Leo, wanting his lover to keep his scent all the evening. His brother had marked him as an animal, spreading his seed on his lower abdomen and thighs.   
  
"That's it," Raphael had said, "you smell good like that, Fearless; I want this to be your only perfume from now."   
  
The words had been spoken tenderly, but under the honey, the ex-leader had perceived the threat. Not wanting to oppose his brother, when he had shown so much instability, the lieutenant had said nothing, even though he hated the feeling of being sticky and dirty. 

Raphael, medicated, would be better in a few weeks. They would forget about all of this traumatic event and everything would be fine. There were psychologists specifically assigned to the NYPD and no doubt he could convince his lover of the benefits of psychotherapy.

He had also thought of suggesting his brother join a martial arts club, as well as a gym. Leo loved to train alone, but Raph liked the noise around him and the fighting. It would occupy him, give him the opportunity to bond with other people and provide an outlet for his aggression.   
  
Moreover, he had not told him yet, but he and Raph, unless there were real terrorist attacks, wouldn’t see each other very often at work. 

Raph was going to be stationed on Randall Island five days a week, whereas he was in Manhattan, near Mikey's school. Raphael's schedule would be from 8:30 am to 5:00 pm, as long as there was no event requiring intervention from them; when Leo had asked for more hours and would be working from 7:30 am to 6:00 pm.

This changed little with the time they would have at home, since Raphael, having the greater distance to travel, would have to leave at 7:50 am at the latest anyway, but this space between them was necessary. Their contact would be by cell phone for the most part.

Three times a week, Leo would have to visit the unit, to supervise the training and what Raph was doing, but these visits could not exceed two hours including travel. Moreover, he would not be alone with Raphael, limiting his private interactions with him.

So he would be free and his brother, in his absence, should find other... entertainment during the week.

On the other hand, unless he had to work overtime, which was admittedly more likely to happen to him than Raphael, he would be with his brother, at home, reduced to the status of a stress-relief doll, used to calm the impulses of his brother, if he could.

It was not so much that he wanted to forget his brother. He loved Raph with all his heart, despite recent events, and if that were to happen, it would break his heart, but with this story of incest, knowing that it was wrong to love his brother as much and that way, he had wanted to remove the temptation from himself, while making sure his brother did not suffer too much from this absence. He had, therefore, demanded not to have to work directly and daily with his younger brother.   
  
He had also asked that Casey Jones be assigned with Raph, as well as that other officer, who seemed to like his brother. Having other friends could only do Raph good. There were, on the other hand, very few women in the squadron, but Leo doubted it would hurt his brother's future. Raphael, for the moment, seemed indifferent to feminine charms.   
  
Leo had to admit, even if he was doing everything to hide it from his brother, that this was not the case for him. In spite of himself, his eyes had lingered on the curved curves of the other policewomen, highlighted by the uniform, and their long hair worn in a ponytail. He wanted to touch their soft hair, but he did not dare. 

Something told him that he was not about to satisfy this curiosity, he told himself as he heard the bathroom door open, and as his brother, naked, approached him, wearing a predatory smile.

Leo accepted the kiss, more teeth than lips, extremely possessive of his brother.   
  
"You got dressed already, you should not have been in such a hurry, baby, I was not finished with you," the muscular sergeant said lightly, slipping on his black boxers with a sigh.   
  
The ‘I was not finished with you’ painfully reminded Leo of Raph's earlier imprecations as he held his Glock in hand. Leonardo repressed a shudder and tried to answer nonchalantly that they had to free the room.   
  
"Bah, I could have convinced them to let  us stay half an hour longer..." Raphael punctuated his sentence with a wink. 

Leo looked away, not confident that he would be able to keep a stoic mask. The new sergeant, by his commentary, certainly did not mean anything bad, but Leo did not want to think too hard on the means Raph could use to ‘convince’.

"No matter, Raph," he commented cautiously. "The results of the exams will be announced soon, as well as the posts. Arriving on time would be the least we can do to show our gratitude."   
  
Raphael smiled, shrugging as he got dressed.   
  
"All to satisfy you, Fearless."   
  
Once again, the smile seemed warm and sincere, but Leo could not feel reassured; the scene with the revolver was still too fresh in his memory. He did not think he could ever forget it, engraved in his retina for eternity.   
  
He could not wait to slip a word to Donatello. The genius would find a logical explanation and, more importantly, a solution for Raphael. Leo could not bear to relive the scene, or anything like it. 

He watched his brother slide his weapon into his belt, out of the corner of his eye. Raph was a danger to himself; they had to do something, before it was so for others. Anyway, he could not live with the idea that his brother was doing so little with his life. Raph had to be cared for, in order to live a long and happy life, whether it was with him or another. The important thing was that Raph got better.

He let Raphael drive, too nervous to hold a steering wheel, even though they were only fifteen minutes away from the Academy. His brother made no comment, while getting into the driver's seat, even leaning across him and sorting Leo's seatbelt, which he found rather disturbing and didn’t want to think about it.   
  
"Here you go. I don’t want you to be hurt, baby, if we had an accident," Raphael told him with a smile, after clicking it into place for him.   
  
Leonardo again did not say a word, but stared at his brother absently, remembering that his lover, so anxious for his safety now, had pointed a revolver at his forehead only a few hours earlier, blackmailing him into staying lovers. But he remained as stoic as he could, while Raphael turned the keys in the ignition, not wanting him and his brother to have ‘an accident’ because he had upset him.   
  
He became nauseated. How many days, or rather weeks, would it take? When would his mind stop doing this type of connection?   
  
Never.   
  
He could live another sixty years, and it seemed to him that he would never forget that scene. 

He could not help but startle when his brother put a hand on his thigh.   
  
"I'm sorry, Leo, I love you too much and what you said didn’t make any sense," the swarthy man explained softly, returning for the first time in about two hours to the subject. "It hurts too much to hear you say that bullshit; you can’t say that again, it upsets me too much, babe," he concluded, stroking the bone of the lieutenant's jaw, before placing his finger to his lips in a sign of silence.   
  
Leo nodded.   
  
"Kiss me," the sergeant begged, but with kindness. "From yourself".   
  
Leonardo, with passivity, holding out his lips, but his lover's fingers sank into his flesh.   
  
"With passion" Raphael demanded, more brutally.   
  
Leo, despite his respect for his father and Sensei, had always had difficulty with authority, when he did not consider it legitimate. Pride and his controlling character made him act instinctively. Stung and exhausted, he bit his lover's lips with force, bursting the thin flesh, preferring to receive a punch than an order.   
  
Raphael uttered a plaintive moan as he tasted his own blood, and deepened the kiss, taking Leo's head with both hands to let the former leader ravage his mouth, seeming more eager as his lover put strength in it. Finally, he broke the kiss.   
  
"Shit, Fearless, go on like this and we're not ready to go anywhere," he assured with a suggestive wink. Leo stared at him, stunned, having expecting a yell.   
  
He and Raph had always been amateurs at hardcore sex, but this pleasure in the pain was unusual for his lover. Leo strangled him a little, tied him up, slapped his buttocks, bit his neck, but with moderation. Never had he made Raph bleed on purpose in their brutal foreplay.

But he could see how much his lover was turned on, and that troubled him.

Raphael, except for the night he had returned from his errands, had never been violent in bed and had always seemed satisfied with the limited but restrained control exercised by his brother, never demanding a more ‘intensity’ in their lovemaking.

Raphael did not continue his advances and started to drive. The silence lasted a few moments, broken only by the muscular sergeant to offer chewing gum to his brother, then, casually, asking him a question.   
  
"So, Fearless, how will it work? I mean at work. They told me you would tell me,” he clarified, when his brother stared at him with expressionless eyes.   
  
Leo finally understood the question. Raphael wanted to know their schedules, places and working conditions. He was suddenly apprehensive about his brother's reaction when he learned that they would only see each other for a few hours a week at work. But he had no choice: it was what he had asked for and obtained. He could not change his mind, at the risk of seeming inconsistent. Moreover, he admitted it, breathing room, away from Raphael, would do him good; and without doubt, it would also be good for his brother.   
  
He explained that the next week, a single day would be reserved for a briefing on terrorism and counterterrorism in general. And that then, they would have separate training more related to their future activities and responsibilities, during the following three weeks.   
  
Leo did not think it was good idea to add more for the moment. 

Raphael's training was going to be intense, very different from the more bureaucratic training he would be doing. Raph didn’t know it, but after the seminar about terrorism together, they would hardly see each other in the following weeks. But there was no need to tell his younger brother that immediately. He did not want him to cause problems or even a scandal until their positions were formalized.

Raphael was going to receive many advanced courses, seven days a week, on the explosives and the neutralization of these; and suddenly, the concept of these potentially lethal objects in the hands of his brother made him shudder. As a CRC officer, Raph would also be heavily armed at all time.

Leo found himself  bitterly regretting not having directed his brother to the fire department, as Donnie had suggested. But he had been selfish and wanted, in spite of everything, to keep his brother close to him.   
  
He hoped he would not to have to pay the price for that decision.   
  
His training, on the other hand, would focus on police administration and especially command and negotiation in times of crisis. He almost hoped that it would also empower him to better intervene in his personal life, now. Besides, he had a week to study more books, in order to better prepare for his classes, not counting those he had already borrowed from the library that very morning. Drowning in the study, like Donnie, would do him good. He wanted to bury himself in theory and knowledge after what had happened a few hours earlier.   
  
Arriving at the Academy, his brother followed him closely, walking at the same pace as him, so that together they could sit together.   
  
Raph did not ask questions and did not make a scandal, even if Leo did think his behavior was bordering on inappropriate. Raph had a possessive arm on the chair where Leo was sitting, and though it might be taken as an affectionate or fraternal gesture attitude, the lieutenant was feeling paranoid. He kept himself sitting upright in his chair so his back did not come into contact with his brother’s arm, imagining that everyone could see their relationship as it really was, an incestuous and criminal passion.   
  
It went without saying that he did not enjoy himself at the party, not daring to get to closely acquainted with others and too preoccupied to do so anyway. He managed to slip away for a moment, to go to the toilet, praying that Raph would not push his zeal until he followed.   
  
Immediately in the security of the bathroom, he took out his cellphone to text Don.   
  
_ "Raph is not well at all. I’ve never seen him this way. He is frightening. You must find him some medicine. Powerful. Quick. Talk to you later. " _ __   
  
His phone quickly vibrated Donatello's response and greedily, Leo read it. The scientist asked for details, to better determine the medications needed, and offered a rendezvous with Leo in a quiet place, without Raph, so they could discuss it. But while the young man's fingers were busy, going to respond to his younger brother, he heard a pounding sound.   
  
"What are you doing, Leo? Get out of there,” Raphael demanded abruptly, suspicion clear in his voice.   
  
Leo's heart sank with anguish. Although he had done nothing wrong, this sudden surveillance on the part of his boyfriend made him nervous and uncomfortable. There was nothing in the world the ex-leader hated as much as feeling controlled. But not to open for Raphael was out of the question. He did not even want to imagine what it might mean if he refused. He even had the brief temptation to dispose of his cell phone in the toilet, so Raph could not see what he had written, but he changed his mind. 

He was not going to start fearing his lover and brother. Anyway, he had already told Raph to his face everything he had texted Don, and Raphael could not deny it. He was not well and Leo really wanted him to be healed. He wanted it badly enough to crush pills in his orange juice in the morning, without his knowledge.

He went open the door, a cold expression on his face, to show his brother he was not impressed, and seriously fed up with his attitude. However, as he went to do it himself, Raph broke the door in, making himself ridiculous.   
  
"Give," Raph demanded threateningly, reaching out for the phone. 

The order stung like a whip.

Leo blinked. He would not let it go. He had nothing to hide, but refused to give all his intimate details to Raphael; not without a fight.   
  
"No,” he replied fiercely, his eyes full of challenge.   
  
The sergeant’s eyes narrowed, their green color gleaming dangerously. And Leo changed his mind. 

Shrugging his shoulders, he answered a simple indifferent, "Okay".

Leo breathed better for a moment. Eventually, his brother might not be so bad, but he barely had time to formulate that thought in his head before Raph grabbed his arm and twisted it into submission. Surprised, having lowered his guard near his brother, Leo's fingers loosen their hold on the phone and the other man took it.

Raph's face remained expressionless as he read Leo's text, but he turned pale at the sight of Donnie's repsonse.   
  
"That filthy son of a bitch! He wants you. Now that he knows it's possible, he thinks he can get his hands on you. Not while I'm alive," Raph growled between his teeth. "I'm going to give him this rendez-vous," he decided, putting less force into his grasp as he text with the other.   
  
Leo's heart beat again; Raph’s words sounded like a threat against Donatello, and the big brother in him could not bear it. To hurt, really hurt Raph was not what he wanted, but he had no choice. He was so tense and weakened from all this accumulated stress that it was a matter of survival for him to escape; he needed the time to regain strength and to be able to think clearly.   
  
Hitting Raphael with the back of his skull, quickly followed by a back kick, Raph let go of his brother. Surprised and hurt, he released the phone and Leo pressed two pressure points behind Raphael's knee, paralyzing him for at least twenty minutes; that would give him enough time to run away. Leo leaned over and picked up the phone and took his keys from Raphael's pocket.   
  
His heart was beating so hard that he did not listen to what his brother was saying, not even knowing if it was supplication or imprecation.   
  
Quickly, he threw him, after silencing him with a movement.   
"Raph. You've gone so far today.  I'm afraid ... it's altered my vision of you forever. If you want me to continue loving you, you have to heal yourself. I won’t come back until you get better. Donnie says it takes about three weeks to a month for the drugs to take effect. I'll see you again in a month. No need to look for me, I will not come back; nor should you ask Donnie and Mikey. They won’t know where I am either. "   
  
Raphael, at first shocked, launched into implorations that Leo did not listen to.   
  
"In a month, Raph ... only if you are fine and if you behaved well."   
  
"Stop treating me like a kid! You don’t have the right to abandon me and then dare to blackmail me..." the paralyzed man rebelled.   
  
Indignant, Leo wanted to answer that, in terms of blackmail, Raph was one to  speak, but he saw the maneuver for what it was. The sergeant's legs being paralyzed only for twenty to twenty-five minutes, Raph hoped to gain time, by provoking an argument, in order to slow him down and be able to catch up with him later.   
  
"Farewell, Raphael. We will meet again in thirty days, at the end of your training. Honor our family and it may make me more merciful,” he concluded darkly. "I will write to you. "   
  
Hoping that the music of the party would cover Raphael's cries, he fled, feeling atrociously guilty and so sad, to leave the man he loved, not to mention his younger brothers, but he tried to to console himself by saying that this forced exile would be good for Raphael and would undoubtedly save their relationship.   
  
When Raphael could finally walk a quarter of an hour later, there was no trace of the silver Audi. He fell to his knees and cried in the parking lot.


	11. The Chance

Raph breathed slowly, trying to calm himself, his forehead resting on the cool wood of the bedroom door. On the other side was Leonardo. His Leo, whom he had not seen for a month. 

He did not dare enter the room, which had once belonged to Master Splinter. Leo, seeing him absent, had chosen the room as his own. Though Raph didn’t know why Leonardo had not put his things in his room; their room. But what he did know was, if there was any chance Leo was favorably disposed towards him, he should not fuck it up.

Because that was just about everything he had done in the last few weeks, few weeks really. Fuck up his life.   
But if Leo was here, he could guess that surely his elder brother did not know all the bullshit had done and if so, Raphael intended for Leonardo to stay blissfully unaware. 

If only Mikey had phoned him earlier, he thought, rubbing his nose. He would have made himself more presentable; he was not feeling sexy, stinking of whiskey and with blood-shot eyes. He hesitated at that moment, wondering if it was not better to wait until tomorrow to see his beloved, when he himself would be in better condition. But he had missed Leo so much...

He still remembered it as if it was yesterday, his misery when he found out Leo was leaving. As soon as he had regained control of his body, he had straddled his motorcycle and driven like crazy to the house, hoping to either find him or be able to smash in Donatello’s nerd face. Unfortunately, once his fist had been in the face of the genius, he had noticed he felt no satisfaction from it.   
  
Leo had not been there, Leo was gone, and Raph had spent a good part of the night sobbing like a baby in Don's arms and the rest frantically surveying every place where his lover could hide. In vain.   
  
Donnie had not asked any questions, nor blamed him. But he had explained to him, with rational kindness, that Leo was not the type to flee without reason. Therefore, Donnie had pointed out, the only possibility was that Raph had done something the former leader had strongly disliked, even if it was without wanting to or even fully realizing it. 

“If you want him to return, you have to follow my recommendations,” Donnie had told him patiently. “Let me help you make amends.

Raphael understood what his brother was trying to get him to see. He knew his episode with the revolver, certainly not his smartest move, had greatly traumatized his lover; he regretted it, especially aiming his gun at Leo. Never in his life would he have pulled the trigger and shot his boyfriend in the head, but perhaps Leonardo had believed he would. 

He therefore went with the reasons Donnie, so much more intelligent than him, had suggested.

He had, however, been determined he was going to see Leo again the following Monday, believing his lover could only be favorably impressed if Raph had so diligently followed his advice. Two days, he had explained Don, was enough for him to think about the situation. Similarly, Leo would calm down during that time.

So, Raph, the very day after Leo had left, swallowed doses of Celexa and Abilify without complaining. 

Seeing him calmer the day after that, Donnie had tried to get Raph to talk about how he felt and what he had done, but Raph refused to say anything. What was happening between him and Leo wasn’t Don’s business. The scientist had then asked then some weird, shit questions about whether he heard voices or felt urges or impulses he had never had before. Raph had protested that he wasn’t John Lennon’s murderer.

Donnie had sighed, but had not persisted, and had given him this shit, two containers of different pills, without telling him what they were supposed to cure. If the headaches disappeared, he would not complain. Don had, of course, asked about them too, and Raph, feeling on edge from all the questions, had snapped that they were nothing mere Advil couldn’t heal.

“I’m not the one who matters, here. Leo is gone, alone, pissed off at me. I love him so much, Don! How he could let me down like that? I know he loves me too? Why’d he ditch me?” he had wondered, distressed.

Donnie had talked about possessive behavior, unstable moods, paranoia, and aggression. 

Raph had to admit his brother might have a point. He could not deny having killed a man and mutilated his body, though he did all he could to forget it. Not that either Don or Leo knew this detail. Mikey, alone, suspected it, but... the youngest had not brought up this dangerous topic.

Raph, of course, did not ever intend to ever speak of this ‘misguidance’, not even on his deathbed. He alternated between privately denying the incident ever happened, and finding himself making excuses. It remained that if Leo found out, it wouldn’t matter if Raph took antipsychotic drugs and attended therapy twice a week, because Leo wouldn’t touch him with a bargepole.   
  
No matter what effect the drugs were supposed to have on him, if it could soothe his lover, he wanted the results to appear immediately. Unfortunately Donnie had said it would take at least two weeks for them to see any possible improvement.

Raph had rebuked that. He wanted to be perfect for Monday, in order to bring his lover back to him after their anti-terrorism briefing, if possible by will, if not by force.

Donatello had shook his head. "Let Leo come to you," the scientist had kindly suggested.

Mikey had said something in the same vein. "Leo is like a wounded or wild animal you have to tame."   
  
And Raph might have tamed him, if Leonardo had showed up on Monday at the Academy. 

After trying to cover the fact that he had not slept or eaten all weekend, Raphael had gone to the Academy early, his heart pounding. He had even dared to consider showing up with roses.

He had spent the whole weekend lying on his bed, Leo's pillow against his face and naked but for his brother's old blue bandana tied to his bicep, along with his own.

He had been constantly thinking about the revolver scene in the motel, and did not understand why Leo had remained so frightened, enough to abandon them. Raph had only shown Leo how precious he was to him. If the situation had been reversed and it had been Leonardo who had done what he had, Raph would have been flattered to see he was important enough that Leo couldn’t stand life without him.

However, his lover had explained nothing to him before leaving and Raph remained thus, in a vague state of confusion, not even knowing where to begin to regain the heart of his lover, not even knowing where he had gone wrong. Not to mention he did not know where Leonardo was either.

The situation could not be worse.

He had had horrible nightmares every night he'd tried to sleep, dreaming of Leo watching Shawn's murder, horrified. During the worst of them, on the Sunday night, after his boyfriend's flight, Shawn had turned into a Leo and it was his lover who had a smashed rib cage when he got out of the car.

Raph woke up screaming at the top of his lungs

He could not sleep after that.

So, exhausted and on edge, he had waited for his brother in the small conference room on Monday morning.

He had not brought flowers, as much for the sake of discretion as for knowing the tastes of his lover. Leo was always horrified when Raph was ostentatious, and treating him like a girl would cost him points, despite his good intentions. He had, instead, bought a bar of tea-flavored chocolate and hoped this little, simple sweetness would warm his lover's heart.

He had fixed his eyes on the door without blinking, hoping to see his lover enter the room at any moment, but even though the room started to fill with other people, there was no sign of him. At 8:00 am, knowing his brother was very punctual, he had asked after him and been told that Leonardo had received his video conference training the day before and so, wouldn’t be required to attend.

It had taken all his self-control, though almost non-existent, to stay in the room and not run around screaming his pain, rage and disappointment. Thinking this was probably the last test on his brother's part, he had sat all day, apparently calm, not listening to a single word from the conference.

When he reached into his pocket to retrieve his keys at the end of the day, he found the chocolate there, melted and unused. With his hands full of the softened delicacy, he had suddenly felt angry like he had not been since Shawn. A black and destructive anger consumed him.

Who did Leo think he was to do this to him?

He had returned home at 5:00 pm, all fiery temper and blood boiling. He had met the neighbor girl at the entrance, there to pay her rent, but had followed her to her apartment and fucked her.

After all, how was Leo so special? This girl wanted his cock for over a month while Leo did not want him. The girl, Tanya, had opened her thighs willingly and he had taken advantage of it, even if it wasn’t what he really wanted.

It had not really done him any good, on the contrary, it had seemed to him the gaping hole in his chest had widened.

The physical pleasure was nothing without passion.

He had spent the following week harassing his brothers and the people at the station, demanding news from Leo, not that it resulted in any answers.

One evening, a week after Leo’s departure, Raphael had even put a knife under Donnie's throat, demanding that he triangulate Leo's position with his phone. Donnie had calmly explained to him that Leo no longer had a T-phone, but just a regular Android, and so he wasn’t connected to his GPS system any longer.

Afterward, Raph had cried, begging Donnie for his forgiveness. His brother had forgiven him with a tender smile, but Raph wasn’t a fool. Donatello was looking at him like a sweet nurse to a mentally challenged patient.

Donnie had forgiven him but he had also increased Raph’s doses, and then, the Abilify tablets were no longer yellow, but pink. Raph had not protested, 15mg or 30mg of anything in his blood made no difference to him.

Leo was not there to notice his progress, but the important thing was that Leo's spy, at work, because Raph was certain his brother must have one, could report to his brother that he was performing.

Raph always arrived on time, was present at the barracks about fifty hours longer than requested and was the best. He had never excelled so much in something, and he had never been so involved with training; he was trying, despite Leo’s absence, to impress his big brother and make him proud. He was very busy, his head in a fog, his heart empty, but his hands busy.

He had alternated during this month between episodes of depression, where he wanted to die, to others where he was overtraining; not to mention those where he imagined scenarios where Leo had become a Casanova. These moments were followed either by frantic attempts to search for his lover or a desperate need for revenge, going bars looking for partners. And then, to complete the infernal cycle that had become his life, he would try to forget everything by getting completely smashed.

He felt like he was running in circles, in the dark, for no reason and everything seemed to him, devoid of goals. Donnie had told him to be patient, to heal, to wait, but to remain idle was impossible.

The genius had told him the importance of establishing a routine, to take care of both body and mind, and that's what he had done. But in his own way; to excess.   
  
He slept in the barracks from Monday to Friday, under the pretext of being able to help if he was needed, but the reality was that sometimes going home to a house devoid of his black-haired brother was too painful and no substitutions were bearable. 

Every day he would get up at 5:50 am and after quickly eating in the cafeteria, which opened at 6:00 am for breakfast, he would leave, come rain or shine, to go for a run.

It was not just a simple jog, to get the blood circulating, it was an epic race that set his lungs on fire and had his heart pounding painfully in his chest. In this desperate race, he felt like he was trying to run away from his demons, and with the fresh air and adrenaline, he sometimes thought he would succeed. But he would always reach the point when his body could not continue.

He would then go to the shooting range, where he practiced every day of the week, from 7:15 am to 8:00 am. 

Then it was a full day of training.

And at 5:30 pm, after a quick meal, he would go to the martial arts academy at the barracks, which had two hours of Muay Thai on Tuesdays and Thursdays, and Krav Maga on Mondays and Wednesdays. He had chosen these two new martial arts to improve his hand-to-hand combat skills.

  
Then he went to the weight room, and worked out until his muscles were crampings, usually around 10:00 pm. Sometimes he returned to the shooting range after that, testing all the weapons, until he was exhausted. Only then would he sleep, a sleep without dreams, because he was simply too tired, and that was perfect as well.   
  
He had been provided with an awesome M4 firearm, a ballistic jacket, a military helmet, and equipment for detecting radiation and chemical weapons and he was learning to use it all. If Leo could see him, he would not fail to be impressed, Raphael told himself often. Though immediately after he would find himself thinking, with gritted teeth, that Leonardo obviously didn’t care about him, because otherwise, his lover would be back, already.   
  
So, if Leo did indeed have a spy at the barracks, he could only be edified, from his devotion to his training. Even on Friday, Raph did not go home immediately, eating for free in the cafeteria, to save money, knowing that his weekend would cost him dearly, and then training either in the gym or at the shooting range for an hour or two before leaving.   
  
To leave the barracks was to deliver him to his demons, and, knowing himself, that was the reason he did so reluctantly. Unoccupied, he could only note his complete abandonment and try to fill the void as best he could. It was true that idleness was the mother of all vices; he did not know how to handle the inactivity and acted with the good sense of a wounded animal.   
  
Only the voices in his head became too strong. The images of Leo naked, in the arms of a partner, were too vivid. To be kept occupied whether it was with work, bodybuilding, sex or artificial paradise was the only way in Raphael’s opinion, to not descend into the real madness he felt so close to.   
  
He was trying not to think about Leo's ‘prospect’; if he allowed the thought to develop, it would drive him crazy. Imagining Leo, with a woman or a man, his skillful hands running over their bodies, made him drunk with pain and jealousy. His very ignorance of where Leonardo was made him sick with anxiety, not so much for Leo himself, who was strong and agile in every sense of the word, but by fear of having been replaced. 

He didn’t give a shit about Tanya or the others who he himself had fucked; Raph had no choice, he was trying to survive alone and in the dark. Raph was not cheating, he was only trying to survive. He took care not to go crazy. In any case, his brother would never know anything about it.

Donnie was too busy to shadow him, content that Raph was sleeping at home on the weekend. Donatello counted the number of pills Raph had taken on Friday, as soon as he came back, and took bloods to test, the results of which seemed to satisfy him.

Yes, Raph took his medication, even if it did not bring him the expected well-being at all. If Leo came back, Don could only praise his efforts, could not he?

From Sunday evening to Friday, where witnesses could see and report to his big brother, Raph was trying to give his best, just in case his lover would pass through the door of the barracks or would come to dinner on Sunday night at the House. But on Friday night, his heart bitter with daily disappointments, his resolutions broke under pressure; cracks were becoming more and more apparent in his psyche during the weekend, when his life was only debauchery.

The first time he woke up near Tanya, he had thrown himself out of bed with the rush of a man who had seen the devil. He had gotten up in the middle of the night and hurried home to shower at his place, scouring himself until his skin was raw, removing the sensation of his sin.

He had not been able to sleep, still and very early, after packing his bags and taking his medicine, still with Tanya's rent in his pocket, he had left for his new duty station. He had not had the courage to return to her home; not until the following Friday, around 7:30, when he had, with a goal in mind.

He wanted sex and he had to have it, now, the need grumbling in his bones.

He had gone home, carelessly greeting his brothers and had, knowing that it was useless, but hoping anyway, asked if they had any news of their elder. Don had not even finished answering in the negative, before Raph was already outside the apartment, heading to knock on the door of the blonde who had opened to him, eagerly.

It did not bring him the expected relief; he tried to persevere, trying to tear himself away from Leonardo's yoke with a sort of rage, with each thrust.

She very quickly, as a woman having lived, Raph supposed, had noticed his boredom and proposed to him to show him places. He had agreed.

The following Friday and Saturday nights had been spent in swingers clubs, underground sadomasochists. Tanya, now that she had satisfied her curiosity with him, seemed to make it a personal mission to ensure his satisfaction, and to introduce him to other torchbearers. The scene with the ’spider’ must have been too fresh in her memory, thought Raphael, so that she treated him carelessly.

His appearance had been very successful on the first night when, to his embarrassment, he had met the employee of the erotic shop, who had shown him chastity cages on the night of Shawn's death. The man had recognized him and, to his dismay, had not forgotten. It had only taken the man five minutes to approach him and tell him about the death of Shawn, having recognized the ‘little jerk’ in the news the next day.

Raph had tried to remain calm, shrugging his shoulders and pretending to remember the arrogance of the customer, but not his appearance, which he hoped would seem credible.

It was.

"Yes, I remember, you were busy checking out the cages... it surprised me you didn’t come back to buy some. I had never seen a customer so obviously turned on in front of an object.”

Raph did not know if he should be insulted or not, and he looked indifferent. The truth was that he had thought about them sixty times a day, every day since. If he had had time to buy one for Leo, he would be half as worried as he was right now.

"Your partner refused…” the man stated, seemingly analyzing him. “He was not ready to be possessed, to submit to having only one Master. That scared him and he left?"

Raphael turned his head towards the man in a sharp move. He could not tell if these were Leo's reasons because after all, Raph had not bought him the object in question, or even talked with Leo about it. But the words of the man interested him all the same. Perhaps he would have some advice, good to take, if one day he had the happiness of recovering Leonardo in his bed.

Maybe it was indeed only a sexual issue and the revolver scene had just lit it.

"There are a lot of ways to prepare your lover, gently, to accept it... But you see, with a powerful partner like you, wanting to belong to you must be natural. I can explain to you how to do it so that he, your partner wants it, and thus greatly improve your sex life."

Seeing that he had all of Raph’s attention on him now, he handed him a drink and introduced himself with an engaging smile.

"My name’s Favio."

Raph had since met Favio several times, to the relief of the blonde, obviously. The man had a ‘dungeon’ in his home, in the basement; the subscription price of its members allowed him to live better than his salary at the erotic shop.

The first time he had gone there, Raph had stood, perplexed, before the St. Andrew’s crosses and the thongs. He was not certain that this was Leonardo’s kind of thing, and therefore they were of no use to him. His new ‘friend’ had asked him few questions about Leo, but had also shown him techniques, supposedly universally appreciated by humans, leaving him itching to get his lover closer to him once more.

Raphael had discovered many things in these escapades, always in search of the comfort he had lost in the absence of the love of his life. He hoped to have the opportunity to give pleasure again to his ex-lover and show him the new tricks he had learned.

And now, this love, which he had been so miserable without, was behind the thin wooden partition, sleeping peacefully. He itched to see Leo's beautiful features, relaxed by sleep; this vision alone would bring him more happiness than anything he had done any night since Leo had left. 

Intimidated, he knocked softly on the door and called out.

"Leo ...baby? It's me," he murmured with a hoarse throat.   
  
For a moment, there was no answer and he had the irrational thought that Mikey was wrong, that Leo was not back or that it was a very bad joke on the part of the kid. Everything turned red around him and he began to tremble with anger.   
  
However, all homicidal thoughts disappeared, and the air evaporated from his lungs, when the door opened, his lover appeared and threw himself into his arms.   
  
"Raph, I missed you so much," Leo sobbed.

The first moments, Raph accepted the embrace without returning it, his arms dangling, frozen. Then the realization hit him, it was Leo, his Leo, whose body was pressed against his, it was his lost lover who was hugging him. He then tightened his arms around the thinner male, sniffing his black hair with emotion, reminiscing its particular smell.

"I missed you too," he said with difficulty, too moved to be able to say more and not knowing how to act; nervous.   
  
Leo stepped back a bit and smiled, his expression reflecting an emotion as intense as Raph’s own. Raphael instinctively brought his brother back to him, with a possessive jolt, not having been satisfied  with the few brief moments of the smell and warmth of his brother's body. He began to caress the other boy's face, neck, and hair with his lips, never tiring of the contact he had craved for a month.   
  
"Why did you leave, Leo? Why did you ditch me?"   
  
He was not really trying to get an answer since, in any case, the reason why Leonardo had left was no longer important. He had returned. He pressed even harder, his powerful build crushing that of his elder brother, frailer. Between each new ’why’ he whispered, his lips searched for his brother's with more and more insistence, without finding them. 

After a while, he realized that it was because his brother was avoiding it.

Tired of playing cat and mouse after a month of uncertainty, he immobilized the former leader's neck with his hands and pressed his lips firmly against his former lover, putting all his passion and vigor into it, defying his brother not to submit to it, forcing the passage.   
  
The dark-haired man only managed to get away when Raphael ran out of breath.   
  
"Raph," Leo tried to joke, "are you trying to suck my soul?"   
  
"Yeah... and everything else. I missed you, Leo," said the brute, "you can’t ask me to stay still and cold after all this time without you."   
  
Leonardo smiled sadly. "I know you didn’t stay still and cold this time."   
  
Raphael went through all the colors. Leo knew. He KNEW all of the adventures Raph had had. The chances of rebuilding a couple with his brother were buried. He had been silly and weak! No doubt little Donnie or Mikey had spoken. He was going to rip out their tongues and then...   
  
"Hey," Leo interrupted, gently stroking his face to get him out of his thoughts. "Don’t worry about that. I am not angry. On the contrary, that's what I wanted and I wouldn’t be back, if not."   
  
The sergeant's eyes narrowed, not certain he understood, but thought it prudent to let his brother explain himself.   
  
"You see... I wanted you to free yourself from my grip; show you that you have a free choice of partner; give you the opportunity to love elsewhere, to find out what you really want in life," Leo finished, waiting for a reaction from his brother.   
  
Raphael remained perplexed. Leo was still talking nonsense. 

He had always known what he wanted. He thought he had been clear last time. He was ready to die rather than lose Leo. Why did he feel the need to go away and hurt him to make sure Raph knew what he wanted? He had never doubted it for a moment; he wanted Leonardo with every fiber of his being. Why did not his brother believe him? What did he have to do to prove it to him?

He felt an immense weariness again, thinking that his brother must have believed that he was traumatized by his ‘abuses’, to the point he had hoped, according to him, that Raph was cheating on him. He could not comprehend that. Wanting his partner to sleep elsewhere, was beyond him. Yes, many couples did, but he did not understand them. No doubt, there was not the great Love between them, as between his brother and himself.

"Leo... I know what I want. I always knew. It's you, baby, there's just you... Forget the rest, it was bullshit, I was bored and..."   
  
He censored himself. Boredom was not a reason to cheat on his partner and that was not exactly what he had felt. The great canyon he had carried with him during their separation could not be described as boredom. But he lacked the words to express all the darkness that had engulfed him in the last month. Before he could make himself look ridiculous, by hurting his emotions so badly, Leo placed an index finger on Raphael’s mouth.   
  
"Raph. It doesn’t matter. I told you. We were on a break and I don’t feel like that’s cheating. Come with me. You stink of tobacco, alcohol and I don’t know what," he said cautiously. "I'll wash you and we'll talk."   
  
Raphael followed his lover into the bathroom without opposition, although his mind was tormented. He was not sure what to do next. But he tried to calm himself by thinking that if his brother had returned, it was certainly not to break up.   
  
He watched as his brother bent over to turn on the water, offering him an unstoppable view of the buttocks molded into Leo's black boxers. A spark of desire lit up in him, quickly consuming him it in its entirety. Although he had had two orgasms before returning home, he felt as hungry for flesh as a sailor who went around the world on the galleon of Magellan. Anyway, if his brother wanted to share a bath with him, it is because his caresses would be welcome. 

He stared at him for a moment, remembering all the pleasure he had already had in his brother's arms. Then he imagined he could do everything he had discovered in the last few weeks.

He could not help then, after contemplative drooling, to approach and audaciously grab the firm buttocks in front of him, with an insistence that left no doubt about his intentions. The molested young man jumped and turned quickly.   
  
"Raph," he began, immediately silenced by greedy lips and distracted from his thoughts by wandering hands. "Stop, I want to talk to you," he begged.   
  
"Talk is cheap,” Raph summarily replied, biting his lover’s clavicle. "I missed you, Leo. I almost went crazy during your absence... I need to take back what is mine now."   
  
His eldest froze for a moment in his arms but said nothing. He turned instead and with slow gestures, began to undress his brother, in silence. Raph allowed himself to be, believing it might lead to more.   
  
When he was naked, Leo quickly lowered his underwear, while Raphael's breathing quickened. The lieutenant shut off the water and climbed into the wide tub, settling himself in the warm water before motioning for his brother to join him.   
  
Raph hastened to obey, but Leo waved him to put his back to him. Then, in a tender moment, Leonardo soaped the back, shoulders, and arms of his immediate younger brother.   
  
"Let's get rid of this smell," his partner whispered softly to his ear, and Raphael let himself go, the bath feeling like Leonardo's claim on his body, and he could not be happier. A comfortable silence settled down, cut only by the sound of the water.   
  
"Raph, this time alone made me think. I love you... I love you as I would never love anyone else. I know it."   
  
Raphael’s heart dilated with happiness to hear this affirmation, but Leo had not finished.   
  
"This separation served to test our feelings. You have tasted physical pleasure with others. But I know that for you too, our relationship goes beyond carnal gratification. Our relationship is... particular and it will always be. I am not jealous of these men and women because I know that what you feel for me is different... much stronger.”   
  
A relief invaded Raphael. Leo understood and his ‘mistakes’ had not compromised their future relationship.   
  
"That's why I don’t think I am diminishing what's between us by banning all sexual touching. Knowing what I know now, these are upsetting me..."   
  
He did not have time to finish that thought before Raphael got up from the bathtub, an air of shock on his face.   
  
"What are you talking about? Are you crazy?” he barked, scandalized.   
  
With a firm movement, Leo pulled him back to him, clasping his arms, trying to be reassuring, offering him a chaste kiss on the temple. It was as if to console a child who had scratched his knee after falling bike, Raph imagined. He was indignant at his brother's suggestion and his very breath was catching in the back of his throat.   
  
"Raphael, you offered me a platonic relationship yourself, remember? This is the type of love relationship that would suit me, since it is not criminal. I will know that you love me, even if you sleep elsewhere. Our passion goes beyond sex."   
  
No, he did not understand. Yes, he remembered offering this stupid alternative to his brother, but he had been desperate and he had relied on his sexually insatiable brother to not seriously accept it. And then, this arrangement must meant that Leo would lay down elsewhere too, he reasoned with rage, and that he would never accept.   
  
"What about you, Fearless? Are you going to live a monastic life? Nympho as you are, it would surprise me," he retorted aggressively. "You know what I've done in the last few weeks, but you?” he asked, trembling with fury. "Where were you, huh?"   
  
Leonardo looked away briefly.   
  
"I was at a friend's house," he replied reluctantly. "One that you don’t know," he specified.   
  
“Asshole!"   
  
The slap was like a reflex, with force he had not wanted to put behind it. Raph, not having thought, saw Leonardo's head jerk under the impact, and he instantly regretted his action. And at the first drop of bleeding blood on his brother’s burst lip, panic invaded his veins, as corrosive as antifreeze, at the realization of what he had done.   
  
"Please, baby, forgive me, I’m sorry," he implored, fearing he had lost his lover again.   
  
Leo said nothing, looking almost incredulously at the blood on his hand.   
  
"Donnie promised me this morning, on the phone, that you were better... that you were taking your medicine," he murmured so low that Raph had to listen carefully to the words. "Training is over and I have to visit the barracks tomorrow to check on the unit. I wanted to see you before then, to prepare you to act normally in public. I love you, Raph, I swear I do, but I can’t accept that you hit me,” the ex-leader finished darkly as he emerged from the bath.   
  
Raphael pulled himself out of the bath with a clumsy eagerness, timidly touching the shoulder of his brother, who had his back to him, drying himself.   
  
"Forgive me, my love. I... I'm upset,” he said in a timid voice. “You tell me you don’t want me anymore, that you were at a girl's house all month... you say that you love me and... Tell me the truth, Leo, it's her that you want, is it not? You’re saying you still love me only to spare my feelings?"   
  
Raph wasn’t even sure if the ‘friend’ was a girl, but he wanted to see if Leo would deny it. He was enough clever to know that even if it was indeed a girl, he couldn’t blow a fuse about it right now, after having slapped his brother. 

Leo turned, staring at him with unfathomable blue eyes.

"No, Raph. I love you. I love you to the point of leaving you free, so that you can love elsewhere if your heart tells you to. In our lair, you had only me. I know you're loyal, Raphael," he added, tenderly caressing his younger brother's cheek, “and I don’t want you to feel obliged to me, now that you have much easier options."   
  
The sergeant grasped his hand in his, protesting that he did not need liberty and that he felt no obligation. Seeing his lover, unconvinced, and seeking a solution, he made a suggestion.   
  
"If you're so convinced, Leo, let me prove you're wrong. I don’t want you just because you took my virginity, ok? Let's forget the past, as if there was never anything between us and I owe you nothing. Starting tomorrow, let me woo you as a new lover, whom you would not know. You will only be my superior. I would not want anything you won’t be ready to give me. I won’t force you to have sex unless you ask for it, so that when it happens, it will be wanted from both sides. And if I get tired, well, I'll stop... Huh? What do you say?” he questioned while biting at Leo's lips, as he loved him. 

The action prevented Leo from responding immediately and therefore gave him a few moments to think about Raphael’s suggestion. Raph subtly removed the towel that hid his brother's form, gripping and squeezing Leonardo’s lower-back, pulling him against his own body.

He felt the flesh warm up under his hands, Leo's breathing accelerating. And it was with pupils dilated by desire that Leo answered, with a sigh, the slap, forgotten.   
  
"Okay, but I want that to develop... very slowly. We will stay in separate rooms... until the opportune moment. You'll be my brother here and I'll be your immediate boss at work," he insisted with a gasp.   
  
Raphael smiled, his own project, formed under impulse, exciting to him himself. To seduce Leonardo again would be exhilarating and also easy, since he knew him by heart. Looking at his brother and feeling the obvious erection against his thigh, he told himself that the lieutenant was, sexually, the most easily flammable person he knew, except himself. 

In less than five days, Leonardo would be moaning under him.

"Whatever you want, Fearless. It will be according to your terms."

\---

Raph woke up the next day, beaming.

After having wished a good night to his brother, accompanied by a chaste kiss on the cheek, he had masturbated in a frenzy before finding sleep. To know the object of his passion was only a few feet from him, brought him a more restful sleep than all the nights when he had trained himself to the point of losing consciousness.

When he had awoken, he knew his brother had already left, but that did not matter.

Today, at the barracks, he was going to see Leonardo. His brother had promised him. And he would have the opportunity to impress him. Finally, he would have a good reason for getting up, his life had meaning again.   
  
Raphael, at work, had a special position. Many, though not those above him, of course, had protested his rapid advancement; they had shown reluctance to obey and risk their lives for a sergeant you didn’t have the experience of a simple officer. That Casey was transferred with him to CRC helped him, though. 

The young officer was appreciated by his peers and he had warmly defended Raph. Then, after some demonstrations of Raph’s talent, his strength, and his rashness, the protests had diminished even more, and had eventually died out altogether. Raph was not a born leader, like his brother Leo, but his energy and tenacity were inspiring and the men of his squadron, in front of his undeniable superiority in practically all the exercises, had accepted him as a leader.

His training was over and he was really going to be able to command the explosives unit, as promised. He knew that Leo, alone or accompanied, would make an inspection, or conduct a training session. Raph suspected that, according to the ethics, he should not have been warned of this visit, but Leo had broken this rule in order to prepare him mentally, so that, under the emotion he wouldn’t blow their brother-cover   
  
In spite of his haste, Raph did not rise immediately, instead lounging in bed and remembering the proposal he had made to Leo, which the lieutenant had accepted. 

If he could seduce his brother again, and remained patient and persevering, despite the ‘possible difficulties’ that his elder could bring, Leo would come to accept that Raph only wanted, seriously and voluntarily, a monogamous relationship with him. Not just this platonic bond shit but a true romantic relationship, in every sense of the word.

They had talked again briefly after the kiss, Raph promising to behave well today. He had sworn as much to himself. Leo seemed to hate when he became ‘too passionate’ and he had promised to try to refrain from being possessive. 

Leonardo had left him a chance.

He had come back to him and despite the slap had allowed Raph an opportunity to ‘woo’ him. Raphael understood, after all his nonsense, he had something to prove to his lover. They were going to bury their past and start fresh. He knew how to take away his brother’s last hesitations. Unfortunately, he had to wait at least the equivalent of three paychecks to put enough money aside.

Don, since he had flamed Tanya's rent, had told him that this month he would have nothing. By saving forty percent% of his salary for six weeks, he could offer his brother the beautiful platinum ring he had seen one evening in the window of Tiffany's. This would be the last step of a past month of seduction. Leo would finally understand what he meant to him. He could offer it at Christmas. It was in precisely seven weeks.

Smiling at this thought, and already visualizing the beautiful eyes he adored, swelling with tears of delight, he came out of his room to find a note stuck to the bathroom door.   
  
_ "Have a good day. I count on you. L." _ __   
  
He pulled the note down and kissed it, moved, before folding it in his hanging jacket, to have it later and read it again. Leo did not need to tell him; Raph expected to bring him only pride today.   
  
After his shower, he went down to the kitchen where Mikey was finishing his breakfast, whistling. As he sat in front of his youngest, he caught a strange look from him.   
  
"You look in a great mood, Raph. Is everything okay with Leo? I guess with him here we'll see you more often."   
  
While pouring milk into his cereal, Raphael nodded.   
  
"Yeah. Nothing against you two, but without Leo... it was not the same,” he explained lightly.   
  
For a minute, Mikey said nothing; then he seemed to come to a resolution.   
  
"At my high school, someone else is bullying me..." he began, leaving his sentence in abeyance, as if to allow Raph time to understand a hidden meaning. 

Raph looked up quickly and stared intently at his little brother.

"Okay... and? Just tell him to get bent," he growled, spooning cereal into his mouth.   
  
Mikey hesitated for a brief moment.   
  
"He's like Shawn, you see... he'll need more than that for him to stop."   
  
Raphael took his time chewing to avoid having to answer on the spot. Where was the kid coming from? Since he said nothing and seemed to be waiting for an answer, Raph swallowed his mouthful and responded quickly without looking at his brother.   
  
"What do you know, Mike? I think we'll change your school. I don’t see why Donnie, who must be smarter than all your teachers anyway, could not give you lessons at home."   
  
"Donnie works for the lab of some secret service. There’s no time for him to give me lessons. And anyway, I want to go to school to meet girls my age. I don’t want D like you want Leo,” the younger boy moaned.   
  
Raphael frowned, unsure if he should be insulted by the statement, but he did not like the course of the conversation and he knew had to bring it to an end to it.   
  
"You can’t always count on your brothers to do the job, Mike. That's not how it works. You must earn respect for yourself." 

To indicate his non-interest in continuing the discussion, he stood up to put his bowl, still half-full, in the sink. Mikey, reminding him of bloody images of Shawn, had ruined his appetite.

Mikey said nothing for a few moments, watching the growing nervousness in his elder brother. If the youngest had doubts, they must have flown away now, giving way to certainty. The Hamato brothers knew each other too well.   
  
"It's easy to gain respect when you're more than six feet and a half tall and when you have biceps the size of a tennis player's thighs. Not to mention when you can legally carry a weapon at any time,” the blond teen mumbled darkly.   
  
"Shit, Mike, you're frailer than before, I’ll grant you, but you had ninja training, too. You're not just a little helpless teen," the sergeant reminded him, getting upset.   
  
"Yeah, but me, you see, I don’t have a driver's license. If I miss my shot, I'm too weak and then... the guy will quickly recognize me. I have reasons to begrudge him, me... I'm not unsuspected and protected by a badge,” Mikey explained. “And then... I know nothing about investigations, how to get rid of any trace... I'm not in the police. I'm afraid of being caught, leaving footprints, and Leo ... Leo won’t get over it, Raph," he finished, with sudden inspiration to bring Raph’s lover in his story.   
  
Raphael turned as if under the effect of the application of a hot iron.   
  
"You won’t drag Leo in your problems. I'll go see the principal of the school. I'm your damn guardian, by law. I'll fix your thing but clean this time."   
  
He knew it was an admission, but he did not give a damn about it. He only wanted to return, as quickly as possible, to the little bubble of happiness in which he had woken up.   
  
He took his weapon and his keys. The brisk air of this end of October would do him good and by the time he arrived at the barracks, he would have already forgotten this conversation. He wanted to focus on positive things, like how to convince Leonardo of his unalterable passion. Mikey already lost to his thoughts, he smiled while riding his motorcycle. 

He could not wait to see Leo in his lieutenant's uniform. Resisting the urge to grab his nice ass would be difficult.


	12. The new first date

Raphael had not seen such a rush from the barracks before. He stopped his bike and grabbed the first person passing.   
  
"There is a mass terrorist attack in a high school, we have to hurry up!" the man said quickly.   
  
Raphael blanched several shades. Would Mikey have provoked a shooting at his school?   
  
One of the men turned around and narrowed his eyes at Raphael’s frantic look.   
  
"Calm down, sergeant, it's only an exercise."   
  
The horror that was about to seize him, left. It was only that little bastard Leonardo, who put him to the test fifteen minutes before the start of his shift. No doubt to know how punctual he was, the bastard, and determine his speed of reaction. Well, Raph was going to show him.   
  
"Okay, what do we know about the situation," he asked, as he joined his team in the garage next to the barracks, quickly putting on his intervention uniform.   
  
"Around eight am, four terrorists broke into Vanguard High School. As they progressed, they killed and wounded many students and placed an explosive device, before hiding in the canteen with several hostages. The headmaster warned us at ten past eight."   
  
It was now 8:15.   
  
"Come on, it's too slow! Everyone in the truck! We’re running too late!"   
  
During the trip, being the most senior in the vehicle, he immediately contacted the office for further information. 

Bomb, shooting, taking hostage; Leo had gone all out, he thought, but it was the good opportunity to regain some points in Leo’s esteem.

He almost wondered how he had gotten to do such an important simulation on his first official day of work. The fact that the hypothetical attack was taking place in Mikey's high school proved the active part that the lieutenant had taken in the preparation of this staging.

Everything had been skillfully worked out. As they approached the school, it was apparent that the adjacent streets had been closed already to facilitate the work of the rescuers.

Raphael, by his double mandate, had to think, had to decide which uniform he was putting on today; it had been explained to him that, in an emergency situation, unless there were specific orders, he was free to take on the role he wanted, depending on what appeared to be the priority in his opinion. 

The blurred position pleased him. He did not like directing or being commanded. Likewise, he loved this versatility in the tasks at hand. Only dealing with explosives or just shooting, would have bothered him. This in-between was perfect. It must have been Leonardo's idea.

He was the explosives specialist at CRC, but in a more subordinate position. When he was away from the Bomb Squad headquarters in the Bronx, he would be in command, unless there was a senior officer present. Today, his bomb-proof suit was ready, he would have only to put it on over his clothes, should the squad's work be required it.

When he arrived at the site, he called out to the others and asked if a drone had been launched to map the place; it was the most effective way to determine potential areas where explosives could be, and the possible hostage locations. 

Raphael was eager to get into the action and draw his lover's eye. On the other hand, any of the officers in the bomb squad could take care of the fake explosive and there would be nothing particularly glorifying in doing it himself. And there would be no real opportunity to command the anti-bomb squad, with the man who would take charge in his absence, currently present.

It was not by defusing a fake bomb that he could shine in the eyes of the lieutenant and probably the other officers inside, who had already set to work. He therefore preferred to stick to his M4 and his CRC outfit, which was also more form-fitting than the ample protective khaki suit required for bomb disposal.

Having decided on his position, he gave his orders, heading straight into the school with his team.

Raphael avoided the bullets of the few snippers he met and promptly ‘liquidated’ them, all while shouting at some men to evacuate the wounded on the military stretchers. His team moved swiftly through the school, and he promptly arriving at the hall where the fake hostages were being held. 

Not being the highest ranking officer present, he did not have to negotiate with the terrorist and, after taking a quick glance into the room and seeing the one holding a pistol to the hostage’s temple, he immediately thanked the sky.

Leo played the terrorist and Mikey, the hostage, for the simulation.   
  
If he had had to negotiate, it would have been terrible because his brother was an adversary too formidable for him, all finesse and strategies, with a seasoned sixth sense.   
  
So Raphael let himself be told what to do, too nervous to face his brother so directly anyway, given the front row seat to any mistake he might make.   
  
Concealed in a corner with two other men, ready to act, Raphael listened. He had an excellent hearing, and heard the conversation between two students, who seemed familiar to him and were bound chairs along with several others.   
  
"Too bad it's only a staging and that little fag Mikey is not really in danger. You see how the cop is pressed against him? He too must be gay."   
  
"I think it's his brother. Mikey said his two brothers were policemen," the other replied.   
  
"Dummy, the cop look nothing like that ginger airhead! He looks like someone from a Magic Mike casting.”   
  
"Yeah, you're right. That dick is a liar. He thinks he can impress the girls with all the ninjutsu he supposedly did."   
  
Raphael gritted his teeth, now recognizing the boys as Shawn's teammates. No doubt one of them was the same guy Mikey had told him about that morning. The kid was right. These types were all assholes. They needed to be taught a lesson; maybe not the same as Shawn, but a lesson all the same. 

Suddenly, even though it had nothing to do with the present situation, he realized that, in his early rush, he had forgotten to take his medicine. He did not remember taking it the day before either.

He looked back at his two brothers again. Did Leo really need to keep Mikey so close? he thought in a flash of irrational jealousy.

Raph calmed down by himself.

Leo hated it when he was all jealous and paranoid, and with reason. He hated himself for feeling so aggressive all the time, and so jumpy. All of this was because of this damn headache. Maybe Don was right and he really needed the medicine. His migraines weren’t as bad with it. 

Lost in thought, he missed the end of the simulation, not even having had to shoot. 

According to the chief commissioner, who interrupted his thoughts, the operation would have cost too many human lives if it hadn’t been a drill, because it hadn’t been fast enough. Leo lowered his head, even though he was not responsible for this state of affairs and Raphael felt the usual protective instincts he had regarding his eldest brother, ignite.

No one had the right to reproach him, particularly when it was so undeserved, he said to himself, clenching his fists.

And then his gut twitched, as a beautiful Asian police woman approached the lieutenant, putting a comforting hand on his shoulder and talking too softly for Raph to be able to make out. Who was this woman and how dare she console Leo and thus usurp Raph’s place? He did not see his brother's expression, but it must have been good because the woman smiled at him.   
  
He leaned back in the shadows, as everyone had gathered up front, to calm down and the jealousy, which must have been visible on his face, did not attract attention. A red veil darkened everything, his whole body began to tremble and he could hear only his blood beating forcefully at his temples. 

Who was this bitch?

Abruptly, he realized that Shawn's two friends were approaching the corner where he was, their voices so high-pitched and loud that it was hurting Raph’s brain like knives.   
  
"I take back what I said about the cop! The guy obviously prefers pussy. Poor Mikey was rubbing against him for nothing! He is no more lucky with boys than girls," the jerk laughed. 

A fire burned in Raphael's chest, igniting his fury in just a few seconds and his dizziness faded to make room for a pure feeling of rage. 

He could still see Leo. The woman was still grabbing at his brother, and Leo seemed to not be protesting. How dare he? He knew Raph was there, but it was like he didn’t count anymore! Or like Fearless had forgotten about him! He had given Leo his heart and virginity, and all he ever did was for him! Well, he wouldn’t let himself be so easily dismissed! Even less for some unknown bitch.

Raphael became aware of something, the idea burning his mind. His M4 had fake bullets, for the simulation, and he didn’t have his service weapon, but he still had a tanto, always there in an inside pocket. His sais were too big, and so not convenient at all, but he felt safer with a blade. And a blade had the advantage of being silent when used. Leo and all the others cops were still in earshot after all.

He had no hesitation when he followed after the two boys; he was alone, fast and a damn ninja for god sake! And he needed an outlet now before he hurt Leo very badly. Better they were harmed than his beloved brother. And, as a bonus, Mikey would not stress Leo out with his damn problems.

The sergeant waited a few more moments, until the boys were in range and at the right angle. In a sharp move, he knocked one down with the hilt of his weapon, a single blow to his right temple, a weak spot; and he sliced the second one’s throat from behind, the boy too shocked to have even the time to utter an incredulous squeak. It was the best way to avoid getting caught by the splatter of blood.

He took the time to lean over their bodies, wiping the tanto clean against the boy’s jacket before returning it to its sheath. He took both wallets, even taking the time to inspect their contents. He was broke, as always and this unexpected cash was a blessing. They were students, so not wealthy, but there was $110 in total. He would be able to take Leo on a date for lunch with that, and even more, he realized with a smile.

Raph rejoined the others NYPD officers, feeling calm again and even relaxed. It wasn’t the same drunkenness as he had felt after Shawn’s killing, but a feeling of well-being and control all the same. A blissful numbness, like after a glass of good wine, with a higher self-confidence.

Arriving in sight of the lieutenant, he grinned to him smugly.

“Lieutenant Johnson, what a convincing act you played. I didn’t know you were so good at role-playing. Is good to know,” he added with a suggestive wink.

Leo greeted him with a sincere smile, pushing aside the innuendo.

"Hey Raph, good job!” he exclaimed happily, hitting him on the arm as a sign of encouragement.   
  
"Well, I didn’t do anything,” Raphael responded lightly with a shrug. “I'm sure you didn’t even notice me."   
  
A comfortable silence settled between the two brothers. Raphael let himself relish the soft numbness. He lost himself in contemplation of his brother's face, his straight nose, his square jaw, and his eyes so blue beneath the thick black eyebrows. His brother's lips were thinner than his, more greedy, but that did not detract from their sensuality, he decided. They looked sweet and they kissed so well. Not to mention that Leo's smiles bewitched him. Like right now...   
  
"I have to leave, I have a feeling we are going to have a whole meeting this afternoon about our mistakes and our pitiful performance this morning," the lieutenant sighed. “I mean it was good, but not enough.”   
  
At these words, Raph startled; his brother seemed sad and it was something he couldn’t stand. If they could have a moment alone, he would find a way to put a permanent smile on Leo’s lips.   
  
"Leo, we’ll eat together this afternoon, right?” the sergeant asked. ”You weren’t there this morning and I missed you.”   
  
Leonardo shook his head.   
  
"No, I am sorry. Not today.”

Seeing the suddenly darkened expression of his brother, Leonardo, a little nervously, backed up.

"Not this afternoon, because I'm expected to attend a meeting, but perhaps tonight?” he negotiated   
  
Raphael's face blossomed like a peony in the sun. Indeed, tonight, he would have much more time in front of him to woo his lover. And they could drink without fear of remonstrance at work.   
  
"Yeah, why not tonight? I'm going to think of a restaurant and text you the address."   
  
Leo nodded with a smile, and Raphael looked at him again, focusing on his lover's body this time, with his new lieutenant uniform with a white shirt and a gold barrette on his shoulder. He thought that his lover and brother deserved at least the captain's two bars. 

He looked around him, noticing the many high-ranking officers present, and with a more precise hatred toward the commissioner who had demonstrated his disappointment so aggressively toward Leo. The star that the commissioner wore, seemed enticing to him, detached from the black of the uniform, contrasting in a hypnotic way.

He would get something even better than the two bars for Leo, he decided.

If this man disappeared, then no doubt there would be a redistribution of posts and, since no one was more deserving than his lover, Leo would be offered the position. Thus, almost at the top of the ladder, no one would talk to down to Leonardo. It would be perfect…

He must have a funny expression because Leo's face became worried.   
  
"Raph? Why are you smiling like that? You look like Mikey about to put a prank on us, and a bad one."   
  
Raphael's smile expanded, worthy of the Cheshire cat.   
  
"Is there a problem with me smiling, Fearless? It's just that... I find you pretty sexy with your new uniform. Could you keep your black cap in bed? It would spice it up!"   
  
Leonardo tried to adopt a neutral composure, but Raph saw the sparkle of fun shining in the sapphire eyes, as well as the light blush covering his cheeks. His brother found the situation more exciting than he wanted to admit.   
  
"Raph," he growled softly so that no one could hear them, "I thought we had agreed to start over and take our time?" 

But Raph could hear the temptation in Leo’s voice.

"If you think you can resist..." the sergeant replied with a cocky nod. Leonardo was so easy to read.   
  
But suddenly, the emerald eyes took on the hardness and sharpness of the flint and his smile turned sour. The Asian woman, who seemed familiar to Raphael, emerged from behind Leonardo, leaning her hand on the lieutenant's shoulder. Raph had to fight to control himself, so that he did not stab the daring hand with his tanto, which was still hidden in his uniform.   
  
"Leo, are you coming? We have a meeting. They’re waiting for us," she asked, in a tone so demanding that Raph was shaking with indignation.   
  
This ‘us’ too, the word bristled all the hairs of Raph’s body. How dare she! Leo was not hers! And did that they were going to the meeting together mean they were working together? Would they be spending their days together, without Raph being able to see them or try to control what was going on between them?

His mind was immediately plagued by the scattered image of his lover’s body with this evil witch, their limbs intertwined and sweating, and he wanted to howl. 

An expert in reading the emotional barometer of his brother, and not misunderstanding the murderous expression Raphael had, Leo cleared his throat, to subtly recall Raph’s attention.   
  
"Karai, this is my uh ... brother, Raphael."   
  
Raph bit the inside of his cheek so as not to scream. He did not want to be introduced as Leo's brother and have to hide from his feelings his whole life. The rational part of his brain knew the lieutenant could not present it otherwise, but remained that it horrified that its importance of their relationship was minimized in the eyes of a potential rival.   
  
His sentence hung in suspense, as Leo waited for his brother to extend a hand that did not come. Leo sighed.   
  
"Karai is the friend I told you about. She works with us at the Secret Service Office. In short, I met her by chance and I did her a favor. She accommodated me in exchange, " Leonardo explained.   
  
The Asian woman gave Raph an artificial smile and held out her hand, which Raphael did not take. 

So, this was the girl who had sheltered his brother, while Raph had been mad with worry and despair. He was fiercely scrutinizing his rival's face and suddenly he remembered where he had seen her. She was the lieutenant of the criminal whom he had had so much trouble arresting several months earlier, Shredder.

How could Leo go to this woman? Their enemy had surpassed him! He opened his mouth wide, ready to exclaim, but Leonardo made an unwanted sign for him to shut up and Raph snapped his mouth closed.

"Karai was a double agent for two years with criminal organizations,” Leo whispered to him. “In fact, she works for us. Now that her cover is blown, she spends more time in meetings and reporting than in the field, where she has a bounty on her head. That’s how I met her."   
  
Raphael analyzed his enemy again, his green eyes cold. 

She was not really beautiful, he decided and not in the prime of her youth. The years had been heavy on a young woman, leading the grueling life of a double agent. Her face did not have the elasticity of a woman in her twenties, and imperceptible fine lines at the corners of her eyes and mouth announced the woman’s maturity. Although there were no streaks of gray hair in her head of jet. He found her skin had a look of parchment, despite the slight layer of makeup, but her hands could not lie. This woman had spent many years doing manual labor.

He thus placed his age somewhere between twenty-eight and forty-five years, this huge gap being due to his lack of knowledge of women. So far as he could remember, he had never been into girls and so had never hid magazines about them like Mikey did.

Raph no longer remembered Leo's age, according to his papers, but it was certainly under twenty-eight years old. She was way too old for his brother, he concluded; even if Leo had been looking for a girlfriend, which he was not, he told himself mentally, grinding his teeth.

Moreover, Raphael did not like the onyx flash of her almond-shaped eyes, which filled him with mistrust; he found her expression cunning, which her past as a double agent justified. 

She was of average height, for a woman, about 5’7, according to his quick estimate, and one could not say much of her body, which was not much emphasized by the uniform. Raph could have guessed she was rather flat chested under the captain's white shirt, a rank she obviously occupied, as the double golden bars testified. Her formal posture had nothing of the postures sometimes struck by the alluring girls of whom he had caught glimpses. She was definitely not a bikini calendar model.

Maybe he didn’t have anything to panic about? But what did he know about Leonardo's taste for women? To begin with, how much was his brother attracted to women? In his life, Leo had only shown sexual interest in Raph, whether turtle or human. This woman had nothing in common with him, especially not his musculature. Leonardo had always praised his impressive physical form.

But would his lover hide things from him? 

They had never discussed the subject of the fantasies they’d had before they got together; they had never thought they would ever be able to physically love another person. Leo had never told him what he fancied, except Raphael himself, and he had always believed he was the only one who could excite his brother. His only possible rivals at the time had been Donnie and Mikey, and they were unlikely rivals.

But in the human world, it was like playing in another league, the major league, where much more formidable opponents could block him. Why had he wanted to live on the surface, he wondered again. In their lair, he’d had no privacy, but at least he’d had the exclusivity.

Karai had withdrawn her hand under Raph’s scrutiny and, perceiving the discomfort of the two brothers, she turned her attention to the most cordial of the two.   
  
"Leo, I’ll see you at H.Q., in twenty minutes," she said before leaving, throwing a very brief bow to Raphael, who was seething. 

How dare this bitch order Leonardo around, as if he were her little puppy! He was going to teach her good manners at the first opportunity. And what about calling him ‘Leo’? He was only Lieutenant Johnson for her and nothing more!

As soon as she was out of sight, Leo turned quickly to his brother.   
  
"Raph, how could you be so rude!" he hissed, disapprovingly. ”Karai has been invaluable to me throughout the past month," said the elder.   
  
"Fuck you, Fearless, I wasn’t rude. I did NOTHING AT ALL," the sergeant hissed, with emphasis. "And if you had not run away for no reason, to I don’t know where, you would not have had to beg charity from a bitch of ..."   
  
Angrily, Leo silenced him with a gesture.   
  
"Run away without reason?” he muttered under his breath. "You threatened me with your weapon and then manipulated me into staying as your lover by turning it against yourself. You're lucky I'm back already, and that’s only because I'm an idiot and I love you," he said with a mixture of tenderness and annoyance. "You have shown the desire to make an effort, so that we could start over. Insulting my friends is not a way to keep my heart, Raphael. Let me be clear. Never disrespect Karai again; she is a nice person," he hammered home firmly.   
  
Hearing the bitch called ‘nice’, Raph’s jaw muscles were so tense that he doubted the day he could reuse it properly. Mechanically, with a superhuman effort, he managed to buckle up and nod. 

His brother quickly turned his back, striding away.

To publicly oppose Leonardo at this moment, would be worthless to him. He did not want to upset his brother more, and was concern that he would cancel their evening appointment. He was going to swallow it right now, but he would be able to catch up later and make this bitch pay for this affront.

He left in the opposite direction to his brother, returning to the barracks.

\---

The rest of the day passed very slowly. He had disappeared as quickly as possible, in order to find a restaurant far enough from their home and workplaces, in a place frequented by people who shared their sexual orientation, but not too popular. He did not want Leo to be uncomfortable if they felt like kissing. Nor should it be too expensive. Lunches were cheap, but dinners were another story. 

In all, Raph has $124, and he refused to let Leonardo pay a penny. 

He finally found the perfect place that matched his criteria and possessed an intimate fenced terrace at the back. If it was not too chilly, he could take refuge there. 

After waiting two hours, what he thought was a long enough time for Leo to be in a better mood, he texted the location of the restaurant with the time he had booked. Anxiously, he waited for a response from his lover.

It came only fifty minutes later, by which time he was ready to destroy the barracks, brick by brick, mad at the unexplained delay.    
  
_ "I don’t think I can be there at 6:45 pm. Give me another thirty minutes." _ _   
_   
Despite his irritation, Raph tried to force himself to be patient. It was only a delay. Leo was a duty man. His lover was busy and it was a normal thing. No need to be mad.   
  
Unusually, at 5 PM, he was already out. He wanted to quickly go home, change and get ready. 

He had thought of going to Tanya's apartment. It was October 30th, her rent was due soon. Although Don had told him that he could not have anything, having squandered twice his share last month, he could perhaps get $50 from her immediately, to be deducted from her rent. With the extra money, he could improve his date with Leonardo. Don had a higher income than him, and would not mind a loss of a measly $50 that could make all the difference to his brothers’ evening.

This damn Karai must have a better income than him, too. Raphael knew his eldest brother was not material, but still, he did not want his brother being able to make the comparison, not when Raph’s was at a disadvantage.

In the shower, there were a thousand scenarios playing through his mind, all as exhilarating as each other. His heart was pounding with so much excitement that he felt like he was about to be sick. Raph promised himself to be gentle, patient and mollifying with Leo. He had felt enough of violence for the day. He did not dwell on brutal murders. He had heard echoes at work about the killings and he knew the bodies were being examined in the morgue. 

The coroners would not find anything very interesting and would suppose that someone had taken advantage of the crowd to settle some account. These two idiots must be had some enemies, anyway.

None of it would come back to him, right? He had only been to the hang out near the school once, more than a month ago. He had not even been notified of the practice exercise, so premeditation was impossible to prove. Nobody knew he had a blade under his uniform and anyway, he had no clear motive to kill some teenagers, even less when he was in service, near co-workers.

He could, therefore, be quiet and concentrate on the means he would require to conquer and preserve, permanently, Leonardo’s heart.

So, after jerking off, to be sure not be too excited or touchy with Leo, he put on his best suit, a very classy red shirt, and tidy black pants. It was not usually the style he liked most, but while Leo was away, at his bitch’s place, he added in his mind, he had bought some new clothes. He considered them alluring and thought they probably suited Leo’s classic taste. 

Raph needed to be perfect. It was indeed, like his first date, and he was feeling more nervous than if he had asked the most beautiful cheerleader to the prom.

Paying close attention to himself in the mirror, he decided to add some gel to his hair and styled it carefully. It was a pity that he couldn’t have it longer while in the NYPD. He would probably be sexiest with mid-long hair, like latino men had in soap operas.

After dolling-up, satisfied with his look, he went down to the neighboring tenant, to take a share of her rent in advance. He did not even have time to knock on the door before the blonde young woman, disheveled, opened to him, long traces of mascara staining her cheeks.

Raph did not care for her at all she had only been quick fuck, to help him feel avenged. But since he came to ask for money, he granted the basic courtesy of mechanically asking her what was wrong, while quietly removing the arms that had spontaneously wrapped around his waist.   
  
"I'm pregnant," she stammered, distressed.   
  
Raph shrugged.    
"Well, when you lead your way of life, it's a thing that happens,” he told her philosophically. “Get rid of it if you don’t want it, or drag the bastard who did this to the court, for child support," he suggested carelessly, thinking himself already kind enough to have listened to her.   
  
The blonde frowned and stepped back.   
  
"You don’t understand, Raphael. I didn’t have unprotected sex with anyone, except with you,” she explained and before declaring more clearly, seeing that the policeman seem to still not understand, "You are the father of this baby."

\----

All the way to the restaurant, he stared anxiously out the windscreen. He had rescheduled the reservation to 7:15, as desired by Leo, but it was 7:20 and he was stuck in an infernal traffic jam. He was only up to 42nd Street and he had to get down to the 7th. He would not be there for another twenty minutes, at least. He screamed all his frustration in his car, though no one could hear him and smacked the steering wheel.

Arriving late to his new first date with Leonardo had not been voluntary, far from it. It was not a maneuver to make himself more desirable. If only. 

He hadn’t planned to stop at the Bronx docks. It was a damned waste of time. At least he would get some cash from the operation. The bitch was wealthy. Leo’s ring could be on his loved one's finger sooner than expected, and now nobody could mess up his relationship.

Raphael had again had the feeling of euphoria, of deliverance as if he were finally free; but it had not lasted long, just some minutes after the corpse had disappeared into the river. It had been a cold awakening, as he looked at the time on his cell phone and then, to his gory appearance. Indeed, a shower had been mandatory, where he scrubbed himself thoroughly. 

And so, he was there to fight against the hundred-headed hydra that was New York traffic.

While holding the steering wheel of Don's SUV with one hand, he cursed as he texted his lover, to warn Leo that he would be late.   
  
_ "Baby, I'll be there soon. Order a drink. I'm coming as fast as I can.” _   
  
Finally, Raph parked the SUV at 7:37. Upon leaving the borrowed vehicle, he immediately noticed his lover sitting at a table, head down. At first glance, his expression seemed melancholy, but Raph, watching him, saw that Leo was not bored while waiting for him. He was text messaging on his phone.

Raph looked down at his own phone, expecting an incoming message but nothing came. He frowned. Leo had not texted to him, so he had sent a message to someone else.   
  
His face darkened at the thought, but it was at that moment his brother raised his head and saw him. A warm smile split Leonardo's cheering face and he waved kindly. 

Raphael had no choice but to swallow his bad mood and respond to the sign before heading for the entrance to the restaurant. In spite of all his envy, he could not simply demand to see Leo's phone. The last time he tried it, it had turned rather badly and he did not want to take the risk of seeing his lover leaving again. He had to be patient because he knew his brother was easily irritable, at what he saw as marks of love and interest.

He did not understand Leo.

By this request, he only wanted to show him his attachment and the place he held in his heart and his life. But this time, the stakes were so high that Raph decided to be more strategic in his approach. He would hide his suspicion.

After all, he was supposed to be in ‘seduction’ mode.   
  
Raphael entered and was rewarded for all the horrors of the last two hours, by his brother's transcendent smile; but Raph’s grin faded as he noticed his brother's discreet removal of his cell phone from the table, in order to slip it subtly into his pocket. He was not crazy or imagining things. Leo definitely had something to hide. And after a day like today, he did not need that shit.   
  
"Am I bothering you?” he asked abruptly as he reached the table.   
  
Leo stared for a moment, his affable expression melting like snow in the sun.   
  
"Raph?” he replied uncertainty. "What do you mean? It was you who wanted to eat with me..."   
  
Raphael dropped heavily into the chair across from his brother. No, he did not need the double game of his lover and his fakes honeyed smiles.   
  
"Yeah, I guess I should be grateful. A popular guy like you... Thanks be to your Highness for giving some of your precious time to your humble servant," Raphael sneered.   
  
Leo's face darkened.   
  
"If you're going to keep that attitude, I do think I'm using my time poorly," he said dryly as he stood up.

Raph’s mind went into panic mode immediately and he took his brother’s hand. He had his share of thrills for the day. He could be calm and patient, having enough fed his ‘inner beast’ for the day.   
  
"Sorry. Traffic. The stress. Stay,” he implored, simply.   
  
Leonardo sat down but his face remained shaded.   
  
"Raph, I'd like an evening without hassle, fights or problems. Is that possible? My day at work has been tough and I don’t need you to add any drama."   
  
The sergeant nodded and to divert the conversation, made a sign to the waiter.   
  
"Your best bottle of red wine."   
  
To that also, Leonardo frowned.   
  
"Since when are you into wine, Raph? I thought you were more beer or hard liquor."   
  
Raph shrugged his shoulders. “I matured, I guess. Getting older has changed me a little.“   
  
"You changed perhaps too much, Raph. I don’t understand. Mikey and especially you seem to have... changed."   
  
An evanescent thought formed in the mind of the brute at the name of his little brother He remembered back to the conversation he had had with Mikey earlier that day.. _   
_ _   
_ _ "Raph, dude, did you need to slaughter her so much? Dee will blow a fuse if he finds a drop of blood in his car!” _ _   
_ _   
_ _ "Shut up Mike. I know what to do. Just help me and use an alibi to borrow the car from Don. And never let me hear you let slip anything to Donnie or Leo. Do you hear me, Mikey?" _ _   
_ _   
_ _ "No problemo. Bros are made for that." _ _   
_   
Yes, Michelangelo had definitely changed, but not him. Not that much. Mikey had changed because of the difficult time he was having at school. Without that, he would surely be the same merry kid as before. Maybe he should talk to Leo about it, show him that he was worried about Mikey. He would look like a good, considerate brother and that would probably earn him some points with the eldest.   
  
The waiter presented him the bottle and mechanically, he nodded in appreciation of the choice despite the fact that, contrary to what he claimed, he knew nothing about wine.   
  
"I think I'll only take salmon. And you, Raph?” Leo inquired.   
  
Raph allowed himself to be served the wine, his eyes lost in the vagueness as he saw the carmine liquid. He raised them on hearing the voice he cherished and lovingly he stroked the knuckles of his beloved on the table with his hand.   
  
"Babe, we have never had a nice dinner, just for us. Please, I want this moment to last a long time. Have an entrée and a dessert,” he offered, smiling.   
  
His brother's face lit up.   
  
"We rarely eat so late and I'm not really hungry, but you're right. It's a special moment, like a first date," Leo said with an obvious hint of tenderness in his tone.    
  
The conversation rolled smoothly during the order and all the first service. Raphael only wanted to discuss their relationship, but he let Leo maintain the conversation, answering in monosyllables, lost in the blue eyes of his lover, still caressing Leo’s hand tenderly. He listened like in a dream as Leo told him that the investigative service had been turned upside down, trying to solving the murder of two students, wich had happened during their simulation exercise.   
  
"I don’t understand, Raph, there was a hundred of us there and we didn’t notice anything."   
  
"Well, there was too much noise, too much movement. The perfect moment for a determined man, in a killing mood," Raphael replied slightly.   
  
"You seem to be taking it calmly, Raph, but can you imagine if that was Mikey? These teens were the same age as him," Leonardo exclaimed.   
  
Raph rolled his eyes, the topic not interesting him a bit.   
  
"But it's not Mikey, Fearless. But I believe, while we're talking about it, that the little one should have some self-defense lessons from us,” he conceded. Leo had to be aware of the trouble Mikey was having, at least a little bit.   
  
"What do you mean? Mikey never took his training seriously, but he is an incredible ninja, just like us."   
  
"Yes, at night and with his turtle body, but he feels clumsy in his human body. And high school hallways are not exactly dark alleys. He doesn’t know how to respond to bullying assholes who intimidate him with their words."   
  
They discussed the case of Mikey a few moments longer, Leo promising to take care of the youngest, then Raph changed the subject.   
  
"Enough talk about Mikey. Tell me about yourself, Fearless. What did you do this last month? I missed you so much, baby," he whispered lovingly. Then a more precise idea came to him and also more urgent. "How did you meet this... woman?” he insisted, cutting down his urge to call her a bitch.   
  
Leo explained succinctly that, not knowing exactly where to go on the night of their argument, he had intended to go to a motel. He had been on his way there when he had seen a woman walking, looking constantly behind her. He had stayed in his car for a while and was quick to see that the young woman was in trouble, so he had intervened. His police uniform, which he always wore, had been enough to make the aggressors run away. He and the woman had then introduced themselves, had got talking and Karai had offered him hospitality.   
  
Raphael frowned. Something in this story sounded shady, but he said nothing. An uneasiness settled and lasted until the main course. Raphael was tormented with too many different thoughts to continue the conversation. He was madly jealous, but he wanted to romance Leo, not scare or displease him. Raphael did not know what to say, the sincerity of his love too much altered by the gall of suspicion.   
  
Unable to overcome the oppressive silence that had never existed between him and Leo, and seeing the uncomfortable expression of his lover’s face, he began to babble.

"You know, when we were underground, there was probably a lot of ideas that came from things you wanted to do topside if you had been human. Tell me?” he questioned with a false urgency. "It will help me plan our next date."   
  
The serious face in front of him split with a gracious smile.   
  
"Oh, there's something I'd like to do... tomorrow night. You know how Mikey loved Halloween, still wanting to go out that night, on the pretext that it was our only possible night of integration?"   
  
Raphael, delighted that his boyfriend had an idea, for in as little time as 24 hours, and approached the idea enthusiastically.   
  
"Yeah? I didn’t think Halloween turned you on that much, Fearless... "   
  
"That was before, when we didn’t have to dress up... to me it was like saying that I am such a successful monster, that I don’t even have to wear a disguise. Celebrating that didn’t interest me. But, I learned that tomorrow, there will be a costume party at the headquarters."   
  
"I didn’t know you were into dress-up, babe. You know, there's a way to fill that desire," Raph interrupted him, mockingly. "I have lots of costume ideas you'd be cute in," he finished, licking his lips in anticipation, imagining a costumed Leo as a cat, cowboy, pilot, gladiator or even a damn Captain Ryan.   
  
Leo gave him an unimpressed look and continued.   
  
"Be serious for a moment, Raph. I would really like to go."   
  
"Well, I'm serious, but why not, Fearless. I have no objections. Only surprised by this new interest," said Raph, conciliatory.   
  
"Karai told me it was ..." began the former leader.   
  
As soon as the captain was mentioned, Raphael no longer listened, the blood buzzing in his ears. He interrupted Leo in the middle of his explanations that he had not even heard.   
  
"So, that's why? It is for her ?” the sergeant hissed. “Is it to satisfy your low fantasies with this old cow?"   
  
Leonardo’s indignant face passed through all the colors of the rainbow.   
  
"Have you listened to a single word of what I have just said? It's not for that at all! And I have already told you that I will not accept any form of disrespect towards Karai," the ex-leader exclaimed angrily.   
  
Also furious, Raph twisted the fork in his hand rather than put his fist in his brother's face. Then he began to breathe slowly, trying to calm down and not make a scene at the restaurant. If he had a fit now, he would lose all the points he had accumulated during the meal. Compulsively he began to shred the napkin.   
  
"Leo, I feel like I don’t count for you as much as I used to." This statement did little to describe the gaping hole in his chest, but he knew that a measured response would be more acceptable to his brother.   
  
The lieutenant discreetly took Raph’s hand and pressed it against his, so that he stopped his nervous movements. The gesture reassured him.   
  
"Raph, that's wrong. You must understand that underground, distractions and interactions with people other than our little family were rare. But this is not the case anymore. We have responsibilities, cordial relations to maintain. It was you who wanted this, Raphael," Leo concluded.   
  
"Is that so? All this shit is to have the last word? To tell me that you were right? Well, you won, Leo! You were right. I was wrong. I'm tired of having to share with everyone. I would give everything to become a turtle with you again.” 

Then, taken by inspiration, he spontaneously grasped his brother's hands.

"Let's do it, Leo. Let's go back to being mutants! It will surely be easy for Donnie and..."   
  
Leo gently shook his head, sad to annihilate his brother’s hopes.   
"No, Raph. After what happened to Master Splinter..." he began with difficulty. "Our hearts would not survive the shock of a second transformation. I can’t allow you to try," he explained affectionately.   
  
Raphael lowered his head, his heart heavy. He, too, did not want to risk the life of his beloved.   
  
"I'm sorry, Leo. Sorry for that shit I trained you in, despite your wishes. Sorry for the death of Master Splinter. You must hate me..."   
  
Sobs prevented him from continuing. Nicely, Leo wiped the tear that fell on the cheek, already raspy.   
  
"No, Raph. It's not your fault ... but mine. I insisted on becoming human. He... he wanted us to stay apart. I told him about our relationship, but he refused to approve it. He had already sent me to South America for that reason. He suspected... that there was something between us. I thought that as humans, I would be able to love you more freely."   
  
Raph waited, for several minutes, for the rest of the action. He told to himself that this denial of Splinter's blessing must weigh on his brother's conscience, for whom the approval of the old Sensei had been so important. He did not want to rekindle Leo's wounds or allow him to deepen his thinking that their affair had been cursed. This idea made him furious. 

Although he had respected the old rat, he had to admit that his natural disappearance had been a good thing. He had not had to ‘take care’ of this obstacle because, despite his love for Leo, he was not sure he would have had the strength to commit a patricide.

Seeing Leo suddenly emptying his glass of wine in one gulp convinced him of the merits of diversion. He took a deep breath and tried to clear his mind of negative thoughts. Changing the subject was the best option, he thought, seeing Leo’s eyes lowered in front of him.   
  
"So, so this Halloween party... how are you going to dress up?"   
  
Leo looked up and smiled faintly, but with a more open expression than a few moments ago.   
  
"That's a surprise. You'll see it when you join me there. If you recognize me..." he added maliciously.   
  
Raphael was perplexed. Since when did Fearless, his predictable big brother, love surprises? This change of personality in his brother, although pleasant from a neutral point of view, frightened him. Leonardo, during his absence, had changed, influenced by this woman and he did not like it at all.   
  
He listened to Leo for a moment, then thought the moment opportune to talk to him about love. He was explaining how he thought about him night and day, but Leo laid an index finger on his lips.   
  
"Hush, it's too early. We agreed to take things slowly so that you are sure of your choice after considering your options for a long time."   
  
This intervention was not what he wanted. Nervously, he continued to tear Leo's napkin between his fingers this time.   
  
"I told you ... there's only you," he mumbled, preferring this option to screaming.   
  
"Exactly, Raph... it's not healthy. I don’t want you to have sex with anyone, I just want you to have a drink with Casey on occasion, play a video game with Mikey..."   
  
At these words, Raph rethought, without being able to stop himself, the commentary of Michelangelo, from earlier.   
  
_ "I have not seen so much blood since the last Resident Evil." _ _   
_   
He blocked the image that appeared in his head and focused on the beautiful statue in front of him.   
  
"If it makes you happy Fearless..." he reluctantly relented. 

He did not want to this freedom, because doing it would force him to spend time apart from Leonardo himself and his possessiveness did not allow it. He was already spending most of his days without his brother. He wanted his evenings and his weekends with him.

When they were given the bill, he casually threw $ 300 on the table under the surprised eyes of his lover. The lieutenant made no comment and let his arm be taken, and for him to be accompanied to his car.   
  
He frowned again as he saw Raphael's vehicle.   
  
"Where is your bike? Why Don's car? "   
  
"I had to drop Mikey somewhere,” he summarily explained before whispering, "Am I entitled to a good night's kiss?"   
  
Slightly hesitant, no doubt because they were in public, Leo give him a quick peck on his lips, almost shy and Raphael decided it was rather cute.   
  
"I suppose that the rule of rooming apart is still effective, that your glass and a half of wine were not enough to warm your blood as I hoped, " he asked with a teasing smile.   
  
"It must be a remnant of my turtle DNA... my blood is cold." Leo laughed as well. "You're not coming home? "   
  
"I have a run to do and then I’ll be home. If you're cold in your bed... don’t hesitate to go and wait for me under my duvet,” Raph proposed, stroking the dark hair.   
  
Their second kiss was more daring and it was Raph who broke it, the excitation starting to win out. He wanted to prove to his former lover that he could be patient.   
  
After bidding each other farewell, he walked towards the vehicle, very calm. He opened the radio and hummed hits from the 70's, while thinking about his Halloween costume and fantasizing about the one Leo would wear. 

Raph was in a great mood when he arrived at the car wash. Don’s SUV needed a good scrubbing to clean up any blood or possible blond hairs before he could return it to its owner.


	13. The dark side

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Don't forget we have only Raph's point of view and he could misread reality.

Raph had not received any text messages from Leo all day and he was furious. It was October 31st, 4:30 pm and no sign of Leonardo. 

The day before, when he had returned home, Leo had already been in bed, which had not surprised him given the late hour. Leo started work earlier than him and so it had not shocked Raphael that, at almost 1:00 am, the ex-leader was asleep.

He had gone quietly into Leo’s room to drop a chaste kiss on his brother's black hair, unwilling to wake him up. His lover had moved slightly, his lips letting out a sleepy ‘Raph’. It had warmed his heart to hear that; even while unconscious, he remained in the thoughts of his beloved. 

He had promised himself, thinking back over his day, that he would do everything he could to protect Leo and by extension their family. Protecting Leo meant destroying any obstacles between them because his safety depended on them being together.

He had been exhausted, and so naturally he had not heard his alarm clock the following morning. He had therefore risen after Leonardo had already left, much to his great disappointment. Donnie too had left and Raphael was left alone with the youngest brother, who confirmed that the lieutenant had indeed left very early.   
  
The former leader had left no note and even now, only thirty minutes from the end of his shift, Leo had still left him no clue about the time they would be going to the party, nor the details of his costume or whatever. It wasn’t as though Raphael hadn’t text him to learn this information. 

Despite his desire to seem independent, in order to make himself more desirable, and after holding back all morning, he had cracked at lunch and texted Leonardo.

And although it has been more than four hours since then, he still had no response.

At first, Raph had held onto his good resolutions. He needed to be independent and let Leo breathe a bit, to feel more comfortable. If he was texting him too much, Leo would complain that Raph was suffocating him, and he did not want that to happen. He would play hard to get, like Leo did.

But it was damn long now and Raph decided that he did not deserve this silent treatment.   
  
This absence of contact with his brother had let his imagination run wild and his anger swelled in proportion. His brother was obviously making fun of him and was probably too busy cooing at his immediate superior.   
  
The thought made Raph so tense that he could swear there were pieces of ivory from his teeth on his tongue.   
  
Leo wanted to play that way? Pretending to be concerned about him, in his presence and flirting behind his back? Well, Raphael was going to show him that the game could become serious.   
  
He did not even wait for the end of his shift to slip away. 

He still had no costume and, despite his questions to his younger brother during breakfast, he could not find out how Leo would be disguised. In his romantic mood, he wanted to have a costume matching with Leo’s but Mikey had explained that Leo had left empty-handed, other than his thermal cup and that he had no idea what Leo could love enough to decide to use it as his costume.

  
_ "You know, Raph. We lived without Leo for almost a month, he became human, then he left for another month. I’ve lost track of his personality at this point," Mikey had carelessly explained. _   
  
Raphael did not like this answer at all. He had expressed his displeasure to his younger brother and Mikey, told him with his usual light tone, that he did not see what he was complaining about. On the contrary, Mikey had suggested it would exciting to have to discover Leo in a costumed crowd and may be able to deceive the ultimate ninja himself, given he would be disguised too.   
  
Suddenly, Mikey's proposal made sense. By being unrecognizable, he could observe his brother, spy on him, anonymously, and thus catch him in the act of infidelity. Then Leo would be stuck, forced to confess and all Raphael's possessiveness would be justified. His fantasy of locking Leo into a chastity device would be legitimated.   
  
He almost came to wish he would catch his brother fucking the captain on the printing machine. It would validate in his fears, and then he could act as he wanted without being called a lunatic. 

\---

  
It was 5:30 pm and Raphael was in front of the Cosplay Shopper, a quarter of an hour from his home. And immediately, he found the perfect costume, right there in the window display, even if it was expensive as fuck, being a damn collectable.   
  
The price did not matter though. He had about $2000 left in his pocket so he could afford what he wanted. The money had been meant for an engagement ring, but knowing whether Leo was cheating was more vital. He returned his attention to the ideal disguise he had found.  Darth Vader.   
  
Leo could not possibly recognize him in this outfit, his face and body covered and even his voice transformed.   
  
He would have plenty of time to confuse his lover, and discover what had distracted him enough to keep him from answering Raph’s multiple text messages. Multiple because following the first, twenty increasingly furious others had cascaded.   
  
And Leo had not responded to any.   
  
So it was that by 6 pm  Raphael's rage had grown exponentially. It was going to be enough to make him burst.   
  
He had also heard mention of this famous party at the barracks. Those who had kids at home regretted not being able to participate, although some promised to come by, once they were done trick-or-treating with their children. Despite this, he did not understand why Leo was so eager about it. It was only a party and since when did Leonardo Hamato like parties? The animal was the least social of them all. 

No, Leo had changed too much. He could point to the fact that it was he, Raph, who was acting differently, but that was wrong. Leo had changed, not him.

And Leo was all wrong when he insisted Raph needed space, freedom, time. It was only to divert his attention, to conceal his true purpose; to get rid of him gently.

But he was going to teach Fearless that he was not dust that could be swept under the carpet.   
  
That night, he had decided, he would not obediently sleep alone in his bed. 

This whole idea had been nothing but bullshit since the beginning, a desperate measure to appease Leo's regrets. But was the bastard really remorseful or just bluffing, pretexting the trauma with the guns incident to fuck all his female coworkers.

In any case, Leo did not seem so stifled with regret when it came to crushing Raph’s heart by not answering his text messages.

His fingers, under the thick gloves of his suit, itched and he squeezed the steering wheel forcefully as he parked in front of the headquarters as always. He needed to feel his fingers caressing flesh or else crushing bones. And if he did not satisfy that urge tonight, he was really gone for good, becoming the nut that Donnie seemed to pretend he was.   
  
His cell vibrated and he almost died of a heart attack in his excitement. Sloppily, he grabbed the phone from out his suit and the disappointment hit him harder than a rock in Wile E Coyote.   
  
It was only Mikey.   
  
_ ‘Whats'up bro! I saw this video. I thought about you. Have fun. Don’t forget that peach schnapps is Leo's kryptonite.’ _ _   
_   
Raph rolled his eyes but clicked on the video link anyway. His eyes widened as he read the title,Text me back’. With a hint of rage, he thought about how his little brother sometimes was so intuitive it was frightening.   
  
The clip was funny however. Superman was jealous because Lois Lane, on Earth, did not answer his text messages and wrote on the Facebook wall of other men. Raph hung on some of the lyrics in particular.   
  
_ ‘I check my text every second obsessing _ _   
_ _   
_ _ That you're in another dude's bedroom undressing. _ _   
_ _   
_ _ The fact that you flirt with _ _   
_ _   
_ _ That dirty rat that you work with _ _   
_ _   
_ _ I feel the love boat sinking _ _   
_ _   
_ _ I'm trying to bring it back to the surface _ _   
_ _   
_ _ Why do you letting me drown? _ _   
_ _   
_ _ In my own imagination _ _   
_ _   
_ _ That I face when I'm alone _ _   
_ _   
_ _ 'Cause I do not believe you when you tell me _ _   
_ _   
_ _ He's only a friend _ _   
_ _   
_ _ I'm not possessive, I'm depressed _ _   
_ _   
_ _ You let me feel lonely again’ _ _   
_ _   
_ The rest did not fit as well. He would never hurt Leo, outside of their bedroom. Why did Mikey send him that shit?   
  
‘ _ I had a dream that I killed you _ _   
_ _   
_ _ I'm not sure what it means _ _   
_ _   
_ _ I didn’t say that I would do it _ _   
_ _   
_ _ I said it was a dream _ _   
_ _   
_ _ Anger is the lone emotion flowing through my veins _ _   
_ _   
_ _ Knowing you I can spend the night _ _   
_ _   
_ _ Going through some pain _ _   
_ _   
_ _ Call me insane call me obsessed _ _   
_ _   
_ _ The fact remains that I will rage _ _   
_ _   
_ _ Unless you text me back! _ _   
_ _   
_ _ I was not crazy _ _   
_ _   
_ _ Until I met you’ _ _   
_   
After becoming angry and violent, Superman realized he had misinterpreted the situation and that Lois was only preparing a birthday party for him. Yeah. Mikey was optimistic. He was sure as fuck that Leonardo was not planning him a surprise party. 

He finally got out of the car, his dark thoughts had at least the merit of having passed the time. It was almost 7 pm and the office party was about to start. Raph, who was a festive person, certainly more than Leonardo, rushed. though not out of a desire to party; he needed to be certain of finding a place to be able to observe well, without being too noticeable. 

It wasn’t that he didn’t like his teammates. He was simply too concerned about the problems in his love life to give them attention. It was unfair for Leo to blame him for his lack of sociability; he was unhappy. When Leo stopped playing hard to get and stopped being a too busy, big shot, everything would be better. Why could he not understand that?

When Raphael entered, more than twenty people were already present in the room, but a very quick glance confirmed that his brother was not among them. Leonardo's stature was too familiar for him to be mistaken.   
  
He did not interact with the others, only wishing away the time. No one approached him, judging him to have a crabby attitude, which one guessed under the mask, was due only to the fact that he wanted to play his character.   
  
More and more people were flocking and now there were close to a hundred. Their sterile chatter, the old-fashioned pop music and the heat under his mask were starting to give him a headache.   
  
He was cursing against this other novelty of his eldest brother, who was usually never late, when his breath caught in his throat.   
  
He could not believe what he was seeing, nor did he understand how it was that he managed to remain motionless, without destroying everything around him.   
  
He instinctively knew it was Leo, even without seeing the face hidden under the Stormtrooper's white helmet. The silhouette, the build, the demeanor, did not lie. It had nothing to do with the fact that, walking in front of him, wrists falsely shackled in order to recreate a scene from episode IV, was the Asian captain whose name Raph even refused to remember, wearing the distinctive hairstyle of Princess Leia.   
  
He was hyperventilating, while the arrival of the pair raised the applause. Leo had refused to reveal his costume, but not to this bitch, allowing her to have a suit that paired with his.   
  
"What a lovely couple!" he heard someone comment, almost making him vomit with anxiety and impotent rage inside his helmet.   
  
He had the impression that acid had been slipped into his ear, the corrosive liquid burning through everything in its path. He had never thought he would hear such a comment about his lover: ‘What a lovely couple…’   
  
He could not wait. He walked over to the pair with quick steps, pushing people out of his way with his broad shoulders, amplified by his disguise.   
  
He made a sign to the Stormtrooper and the people around them laughed heartily, believing in some kind of planned set-up. 

He saw Leo, under the suit, hesitate, but he followed Raph, letting himself be dragged by the arm into the corridor. Raph did not slow down, pulling Leo up the stairs, climbing the floors at random, only carried by his anger, wanting to put as much distance as possible between his boyfriend and this witch. Despite his brother’s slight resistance, he dragged him to an empty office, two floors up, at the end of an unremarkable corridor. He pushed his lover inside, followed him into the room and locked the door behind them.

When he turned around, he saw the stormtrooper waiting, arms crossed. For a moment he tried to hold on to the hope that it was not Leo, but another man, but he was quickly disappointed. With an impatient gesture, Leo lifted his helmet, Raphael doing the same, and then verbally attacked him immediately.   
  
"What’s gotten into you, Raph? I won’t let you ruin my evening, or the others’, by throwing a tantrum again..."   
  
Leo did not have time to finish before his throat was clasped in Raphael's iron grip.   
  
Raph stared, fascinated, the eyes he loved so much bulging and the pale skin turning purple, Leo’s fingers vainly trying to make him relax his hold. He had suffered so much all day. Would it have cost Leonardo so much just to answer his text message?   
  
Suddenly, he heard the song echoing in his head and the memory of the last verse, he remembered what he had promised himself; never to hurt Leo. He argued with himself for a moment as his lover began to languish under his fingers. Leo had hurt him a lot, not physically, but he had plowed his heart with his indifference. Leo had to learn to not fuck with his heart like that.   
  
Leo was trying to snuggle his biceps around him, having ceased his attempts to pry open Raph’s inflexible fingers. In a flash, Raphael understood what his brother was trying to say. His red bandana. Remember who he was. The realization of what he was doing overwhelmed him like a tidal wave. He let go of him and burst into hysterical tears.   
  
"Baby, baby... sorry... sorry."   
  
Leo, almost fainting, said nothing. His was throat hurting him too much and he was trying to catch his breath.   
  
"I'll get you some water, okay?”Raph proposed, distraught at the sight of this display of pain, the realization sinking in deeper about what he had just done. ”Don’t move... water, and everything will be better, okay, babe?"   
  
"How can you want me to be better, Raph? Leo grumbled with difficulty. "You just tried to kill me."   
  
Raphael denied by shaking his head fiercely.   
  
"No, no... it was a role play... just a role play. I love you, I wouldn’t do that to you, baby. You know how much I love you."   
  
Unbelief was clearly reflected in the lieutenant's features.   
  
"No, Raph. I don’t believe you. I saw your eyes, they were a monster's." Leo shuddered. ” You are not the man that I fall in love with.”   
  
"No, it's you!” Raph fiercely retorted, losing it at Leo’s use of the term monster. ”Why do you show-off with her in front of me! I know you had sex with her. Admit it," he spat with resentment.

Leonardo looked up, his eyes shining from the tears of pain but his features expressed anger and almost hatred, Raph realized. Never in his worst nightmare, and he had them a lot, had he imagined his lover looking at him with such loathing.

"And even if I did, what of it? You and I had broken up, because you were acting like a madman,” Leo hissed, having still a hard time because of his hurting throat, and growing mad. "And, as far as I know, we're still not back together, for the same reason," the former leader said coldly. "Nothing in there justifies you trying to kill me by choking me."   
  
His blood froze. Leo admitted that he had sex with that witch. And moreover, denied being back in a relationship with him. And with the way Leo was talking and looking at him, it seems like he wouldn’t be any time soon.   
  
"You’re not thinking about what you’re saying. Leo. You don’t mean it,” Raph repeated, more to comfort himself than to convince Leonardo.   
  
Leo moved passed Raph and unlocked the door before turning to face his ex-lover, showing him a blade that he also kept on him.   
  
"I could have stabbed you, but I didn’t. Touch me again, Raphael…” he growled. “And why do I feel like I've had this conversation with you before?” he snapped with distress. “Why do I still have to give you ultimatums?”   
  
The tears, suddenly, flowed freely on Leo's cheeks and Raphael's heart sank more at this. Leonardo was genuinely upset.   
  
"I didn’t sleep with Karai, because I loved you... “ Leo explained, wiping nervously his eyes,” but you destroy more and more of my love with your ruthless actions."   
  
He put the helmet back on his head, to hide his red eyes and the bruises on his neck and cast a last look at Raph, who was now prostrate, on his knees.   
  
"Don’t come near me this evening, Raph. I can’t look at you right now ..." he said, as though disgusted. “If you continue, I'll disappear again and if necessary, for you to become healthy again, I'll ask for a restraining order against you, for our both sakes.” And on that note, Leo eft.

He didn’t try anything to keep his ex-lover from leaving. And as soon as Leo was out of sight, Raphael pushed himself to his feet and ran to the bathroom.

Raph had already done too much.

He splashed himself with cold water and tried to regain control of his nerves.   
  
He did not succeed.   
  
He had, despite having denied it, strangled his brother. It hadn’t been premeditated, but all the same... The person he loved most in the world had almost died, and it was all his fault. He did not know how close Leo had been to death, but that detail mattered little.   
  
He remembered watching Leo suffocate before his eyes and that his hands had continued to grip Leo’s throat.   
  
He was a monster, Leo was right.   
  
At the same time, all his horrible actions of the previous weeks came back to him. Thank God Leo didn’t know how much of a monsterous being he had become. But that too was of little importance. He had lost Leonardo's love and he could not blame him.   
  
He curled up in a corner, hyperventilating. The images he had tried to keep from thinking about lately came charging back, taunting him, menacing. And in the face of all this red, he closed his eyes, even though that was useless. He saw how he had cut out Tanya's belly, in order to erase everything that could carry his genetic code from her body and he had sliced at her face so as to make her unrecognizable and accentuate the decomposition of her body in the water.   
  
He crawled on all fours to the nearest bowl and vomited.   
  
At this very moment, he did not even feel jealousy about what Leo could be doing on the ground floor. He did not deserve to be there with him. He would never dare put his hands on Leo again without reliving that horrible moment.   
  
He thought he was going to have a shot in the head for good this time, but he did not have his weapon with him and so had to endure all the nagging pain he was feeling. He had never felt so helpless, not knowing what to do with his body. It was like he had lost control over all his capacities, not able to stop himself even if he knows that it will fuck-up his life. He curled up on himself more, as if he hoped to be absorbed by the cold tiles, his body still trembling with terrified panic.   
  
He had almost succeeded in killing Leonardo, his brother, his lover, the person who counted the most in his eyes and who, without, his life would be worth nothing.   
  
He was sick.   
  
He remembered again that he had not taken his medicine. Was that the explanation? He had never taken the ‘disease’ he had supposedly had seriously. He had swallowed his pills only in order to please his older brother, nothing more. If he could blame the pills, he would do it without hesitation. Rather than confessing that he had knowingly strangled his brother, this idea was digging a painful hole in his chest.   
  
Yes, the pills, it was the pills. He clung to this explanation. Of course, he was guilty of not taking them, but now that he knew what he was doing by not taking them, he would never forget them again, he promised himself.   
  
He vaguely heard noise coming from the two-story loudspeakers on the floors beneath him, and he wondered where his brother was, what he was doing, and whether he was thinking hatefully of him. 

His tears flowed even more.

Certain that Leo hated him now, he could not blame him. He was a danger to himself and others. He wrapped his arms around his knees more closely, his eyes blank; he felt like nuclear strikes were falling on his mind, haunted by every image that his memory was reforming.

He did not know how long he was in a ball on the floor of an isolated bathroom, completely alone. He began to feel stiff and, above all, completely exhausted at having cried so much. But he felt unable to face Leo downstairs.   
  
In any case, he felt unable to do anything. No matter the numbness of his limbs, he no longer intended to move ever again in his life. There was nothing for him out of this room. He would just stay there. A bomb threat could go off in the building, and still he would stay.

If he’d had his gun, he would shot himself in the head already, but having no lethal weapon to use against himself, he stayed there, curled up and still, eyes closed.

\---

He had not moved at all when Donatello entered. 

Raph recognized him by his voice. His eyes had remained closed for the last few hours, which had seemed to him an eternity in hell.

  
"Raph, I came to get you," sighed the scientist.   
  
He still did not open his eyes. Don could take him wherever he pleased, it did not matter to him.   
  
"Leo was worried. He looked outside and your bike was still there. He deduced that you were here. He told me that... you were not feeling well," Donatello summed up.   
  
An imperceptible movement was made under the stubbornly closed eyelids,  upon hearing the name of the former leader. It was not worth stirring, he still told himself however. Leo did not want him anymore. He’d sent Donnie to get rid him of his person.   
  
"Raph, playing dead is useless. I can see you're alive. Leo was worried that... whatever. Can you walk? I have to take you,” Donnie insisted.   
  
He did not move.   
  
He then heard footsteps.   
  
"Mikey, help me. I can’t do it alone.”   
  
So, Michelangelo was there too. The whole family reunited, except...   
  
"Leo will take your bike home and Mikey, Leo's car. You come with me,” Donatello explained with caution, no doubt because he feared a violent reaction.   
  
He felt himself lifted up and did not protest when a hand delicately searched his pockets. He heard Mikey ask Donnie why he was not reacting.   
  
"Post Traumatic Shock," the genius simply answered, as he felt himself lifted by both sides.   
  
"So, you won’t need the tranquilizer?” the youngest asked again with anxiety.   
  
He did not have time to wonder what a tranquilizer it was, before he felt the needle sink in. He was hardly aware of Donnie answering his younger brother:   
  
"We can never be too careful"   
  
His eyes still closed, Raphael did not see Leo on his left side, his eyes imprinted with an indescribable sadness but still shining a hint of love.

\---

He awoke, nauseated on a bed in the dark, but he knew immediately that it was not his room. It took him some time and effort to collect his memories and, once that was done, he regretted it.   
  
"Finally awake, Raphael?"   
  
He jumped and turned quickly.   
  
"Where am I, Donnie? What is happening?"   
  
The scientist, standing at the door, sighed.   
  
"We are where I work, and more precisely, in one of the rooms where we keep precious people, such as, witnesses for significant trials, spies who are wanted, hostages to exchange or... interesting specimens. You'll be fine here, Raph. And I'll watch over you, until the time that you're better. "   
  
He shook his head and avoided his brother's gaze, but said nothing. His arm itched and he scratched it absently. It did not matter whether he was there or elsewhere. His guilt already held him in a prison.   
  
"I installed a microchip in you, so we can track you. For your own safety, Raph, I swear, "Donnie insisted, softly.   
  
He shrugged, still looking away.   
  
A bit uncomfortable with the persistent silence as persistent, as it was with his immediate elder, Donatello felt compelled to speak.   
  
"I don’t know how long I will keep you here,” he told him. “I have been allowed the time necessary for my research, but I don’t think Raphael, that it can exceed two months. Donnie paused for a moment, obviously expecting violent protests to the long wait for such a fiercely independent being, but nothing came, so he continued.   
  
"You have a door that leads you to a fully equipped private bathroom and another that overlooks a small inner courtyard. To take some fresh air.”   
  
Raphael could not help but snort a little, but it was his only sound. Impatient, Don decided to swing with everything he had. He had intended for it to go smoothly, step by step, but this lack of reaction unsettled him.   
  
"You are neither prisoner nor free. You have television and if you want, I can bring you books or games. For the moment, there are only quiet things, like puzzles and what you would need to write or draw. You will have to follow a strict schedule, but with several free periods. Breakfast will be served at 7:15 am through this sliding door. The other meals will be served at noon, 3 pm and 6 pm.” 

Raph didn’t react but Donnie persisted.

“Then, at 8:30 until 10:00, will be your therapy. With me. Around 1:30 pm, I will do some tests, blood test, etcetera We can also talk a little in the afternoon, if you feel fit. Your medications will be given to you twice a day, in the morning and in the evening with your meals. Then, in a few days, if you’re doing better, you'll be able to receive... visitors.”

The emerald eyes turned to Donnie, but not fully and the eyes remained blank. Donnie knew what his brother was burning to know without daring to ask for fear of breaking what was left of his heart.   
  
"Leo can come to see you. But you understand that ... it's better for both of you if you doing better by the next time he sees you.”   
  
Raphael began to scratch his arm furiously and Donnie remained a few seconds longer to observe this nervous reaction. He was torn to see his brother like this and hesitated on whether to reveal what he had discovered.   
  
From his second day as a human, he had done more extensive research on Manuel Cabaneras and he’d had plenty of time to access all the records about the serial killer. His career had been troubling; impulsive assassinations, dissociations, violent fantasies, then rash remorse, finally leading to a murderous frenzy. What he had said before being stopped had given Donatello bad chills.   
  
_ "I was going to kill a lot more people. They don’t deserve to live anyway. I was arrested because I am too poor and too stupid to get what I need to achieve my fantasies.” _ _   
_   
Raph had a lot more money. Raphael was a juggernaut. He had been TRAINED to kill, and he excelled at it, all while remaining discreet as a ninja must be. And there, this naive Leo, by opening the doors of a career with him, in the police forces, had provided him weapons. And not just simply firearms, in addition to those of the ninjas, but also explosives and biochemical weapons. Likewise, Raphael knowing the security features and workings of the police, that he could now easily avoid them. And, while not rich, he was not scum like Cabaneras and could, therefore, provide himself in everything much more easily, having, as a bonus, a police badge to divert doubt.   
  
Raphael mad and determined could be more dangerous than the criminals he was supposed to arrest. Donatello shuddered at this idea.   
  
Cabaneras had remained silent in prison and during his trial. He had spoken to a journalist, but the reporter had never published his article. Donnie still had not been able to find the reporter. Cabanera's execution was 25 years ago. He doubted he could get his hands on the report. The motives of this criminal had therefore always remained unclear.   
  
Like the reasons why it was decided to preserve the man’s genetic material with cryogenics. There were loads of amazing people on Earth! Why not Mother Theresa? Donnie wondered angrily. Why a serial killer? 

No, he would not say all that to Raphael immediately. Obviously, he was still in shock.   
  
"Raph, if you promise to make an effort in therapy with me, I promise you that Leo will be here in a few days. That's what you want, right? To see Leo?"   
  
He frowned when he noticed the hesitation in Raphael rather than the joy he would have thought to see. But at least this time he was reacting.   
  
"Is he okay?" Raphael articulated with difficulty.   
  
Donnie mused the question before answering it, too happy that his brother had finally opened up a little. No, Leo was not well, but since he was much better than Raphael despite everything, he decided to preserve the latter, while telling the truth.   
  
"Leo is doing well physically, I assure you. He is concerned about you. You worry him a lot,” Donnie explained with some reserve. “He still cares about you, despite your… fight.”   
  
Raphael knew how to read between the lines. Fearless, emotionally, had to be capsized. He would never want him again as a lover, but, as a good brother, he still cared about his fate all the same. Raph scowled and his air announced he was not going to talk anymore soon.   
  
Donnie, panicked by this closure, tried to correct the situation.   
  
"I spoke to Leo. I explained to this to him. I can even say that I practically convinced him that none of this was his fault. What happened with you, together, before, was not abuse nor incest. It was consensual, between people of the same age and, moreover, without any relation of kinship. I told him that your current condition was genetics and not trauma and that with psychotherapy, more powerful drugs and... "   
  
"That's not what I need, Don... it's not that at all,” Raph mumbled as he lay down on the bed, turning his back to the scientist, not seeming to have enjoyed Donnie's news so much.   
  
Donnie sighed, expecting his brother to ask for the presence of his ex-boyfriend. It would be complicated. Leo, despite not being so grudging, was still seriously disturbed by the incident, as Donnie cautiously called it. And he could not blame him.

Seeing his lover, brother and best friend since childhood wanting to kill you had to be highly traumatic.

He still remembered with anxiety Leo’s hysterical call, the leader still in perfect control, when, two hours after the event, he had confessed his fear that Raph might have committed suicide. He had asked for Donnie and Mikey as reinforcements, not wanting to find the corpse of the man who he loved despite everything.

Then he had told Donnie everything, finally, believing that Raph's honor was less important than his survival. Donatello had been thrown by the revelations and calming down Leonardo once he had launched into his confidences, had not been an easy task.

Raphael had to be reasonable and understand, Leonardo needed at least a week, if not two, before he could agree to be alone with his brother.

Donatello had been about to explain as much, when, in a weary voice, Raphael finished his thought.

"It's a bullet in the skull that I need..."


	14. Deception

Donatello sighed again and realized it must have been at least the twentieth time in the last hour.  
  
Raphael was refused to talk to him. Not a word since his suicidal comment.  
  
Donnie had explained to his pig-headed brother that if he refused to answer him, he could not help him get better; it had no effect. Raphael had shut himself up in a desolate silence. Even the name of their ex-leader was not enough to get him to talk.  
  
But that was not the worst.

Donnie suspected his brother Raphael of throwing up his food. What Raph did not know was that he was filmed twenty-four/seven except, of course, in the bathroom, where he was taking refuge after only a few bites. Whether he was actually causing himself to vomit or if he had natural nausea, Donnie did not know; and he could not find out without revealing the constant surveillance.

Never before had Donnie had encountered such an obstacle. Fixing Raphael was more difficult than he had hoped.  
  
Donatello was not even going home to sleep anymore, leaving Leo to take care of Mikey, and the new tenant, who had moved into the missing girl’s apartment in their building. The youngest also worried the scientist, and Leo himself was not at his best, but both were far less affected than Raphael. Donnie had picked his battles by staying there and sleeping next door, in a room provided for precisely this purpose.  
  
Although sleeping was perhaps somewhat of an exaggeration since he awoke with a start every four hours or so to check the screen, to make sure Raphael was in bed and still breathing. Donnie always feared his brother would find a way to escape or that he would succeed in killing himself.  
  
But no; his brother, who had once been so eager for fights and freedom, had lost all his fighting spirit. He was normally so active, making use of his muscles at all hours of the day, every chance he had, but now remained prostrate for whole days.  
  
Two weeks Raphael had been his responsibility, under his care, but it could have been many months and Donnie suspected that still nothing would have changed. They were making no progress at all.  
  
He knew his brother and knew him to be stubborn. But on the other hand, he knew all his weaknesses too. Yet, despite his attempts to exploit them, Raphael remained catatonic.  
  
There were only twenty minutes left of their supposed therapy, but it did not matter since his patient’s schedule was free of all other activities. Raph spent all his time alternating between actually sleeping and pretending. He did not use any of the items at his disposal and did nothing during the day, except drinking water, pissing occasionally, and nibbling at the meals he was given, only to throwing up the measly bites he did consume.  
  
He did not object at all to taking his medication, blindly swallowing what he gave him in a small paper cup. Since he had only missed taking them for a few days, they should have taken effect more quickly than last time; not to mention that Donnie had further increased the dose. Raph’s dopamine level should have stabilized by now. Yet he did not notice any improvement.  
  
"Raph," he tried for the hundredth time that week. "If you want to get out of here, you have no choice; you must speak to me, so that I help you.”  
  
No answer. Just a silence that Donnie could only interpret as ‘ _I don’t care about getting out of here.’_   
  
"You are not being reasonable! What do you want?” Donnie demanded to know, but fearing such a dismal response as he’d had last time, he changed his phrasing. "If you want Leo to forgive you, you have to make some effort."  
  
It was not the first time in the last two weeks Don had used this blackmail argument. But he hoped, despite everything, against all odds, that this time his brother would bite the hook.  
  
The patient's mouth remained closed and his face expressionless.  
  
This new disappointment was the last straw.  
  
"Do you think I don’t see what you are trying to do?” Donatello burst out, hurling imprecations at his brother. “You are ravaged by remorse and rather than face reality, you try to escape by letting yourself die slowly?” he spat angrily. "Have you thought about how I might feel, sitting here watching you slowly die of starvation, refusing my help?"  
  
Donnie, who for two weeks had been trying to stay sane, allowed himself to crack.

He would phone Leo in the morning and admit, to his great shame, not having any explanation to give to his eldest. He could confess what he knew about Raph’s genetics, that they might be weighing heavily in the reasons behind his actions, but he did not know the subject well enough and therefore did not wish to reveal such a thing.

Besides, if Raph did get better, the information would do more harm than good.

The fact was, he did not know what to tell the former leader, who was desperately searching for answers, trying to understand his ex-lover’s actions. Leonardo was heartbroken. His indignation, his fear, and his initial disgust had given way, now that the worst of the shock had passed, to a grave sorrow and great anxiety.

And of course, the clan leader was counting on Donnie to ‘heal’ Raphael.

Seeing that his meltdown had not moved his marble-like brother, he hastily left the room, wiping his tears from his face and attempting to regain his self-control. He could not conquer this alone, intelligent as he was. He had absolutely no hold on the monolith that had become Raphael's soul.

He was going to need help.

\----

Leonardo hesitated for a moment in front of the door, not daring to open it at once. Behind this door was what had once been his universe. Now though, he did not know how to describe what he felt for Raphael.

But he did not want to dwell on his feelings. His brother was very important to him, of that, he was certain. They were not blood brothers, Don had certified that much, but still, Leo would always care for Raph as though they were. 

He’d had a long talk with Donatello about Raphael.

Donnie had assured him of the deep regret the hot-head had for his criminal act.

Leonardo didn’t doubt it. He knew deep down that his brother was very fond of him.

Raph may have tried to harm him, but if he had succeeded, he would have been profoundly sorry to have injured his ex-lover. It had only been an impulse; a crazy-murderous impulse, but Raph had not meant it, not deep in his soul.

If Leo was sure of anything, it was of the genuine love his brother had for him.

Donnie had also explained to him that their passion was not traumatic for Raph or criminal from the point of view of the law.

On that, Leonardo was not so convinced. Since he had learn about incest, he had thought and had read about it. Living as Raph had, was surely impossible. He had sincerely believed that Raphael would have grown tired of these difficulties and be eager to rebuild a different, freer future with someone else.

Leo knew now he might have gone astray.  
  
Donatello had told him Raph was acting like a zombie and Leo couldn’t stand it. Raph was an important part of their clan and also his heart. Raph had a lot to bring to their family. Leo could not leave his brother in this pitiful state. So, with a bag of Raph’s clothes, he armed himself with courage and knocked at the door.  
  
He waited in vain for an answer for several long moments, before growing impatient and entering the room.  
  
Raphael was stretched out on his narrow bed. Donnie had warned Leo that the drugs made his ex-lover very sleepy. The covers were pulled up and Leo could only see his head, with disheveled, oily brown hair. Don had also warned him that their brother had refused to bathe and shower. Leo could smell the sour aroma of sweat in the room, confirming what the scientist had told him.

This was another reason for Leo’s presence, to convince Raph to wash, change his clothes, and then eat.

Leonardo moved forward, reaching out slowly to touch him; he was cautious, like Raphael was a wild animal, despite the drugs, which had obviously knocked him out.

Leo was nervous, although he was not afraid in the usual sense of the word.

He had refused to allow Donnie to accompany him, not believing that he was in any potential danger. What had happened last time was an exceptional circumstance. He had underestimated Raphael's jealousy; although _at that moment_ he’d had no reason to be jealous of Karai, not yet.

Leo, with a slight blush, remembered what had followed at the Halloween party, after Raph had choked him. 

That night, after helping take Raphael to Don's SUV, he had not gone home right away. The captain had rightly judged him to not be in a good condition, although she knew practically nothing of the situation, except for the bruise on his neck.

He had been much too upset about what had happened with Raph, and ended up sleeping at her place. He could not explain, however, how it had led to her riding him for a big part of the night, making love to him in a way he had never experienced before.

He had appreciated the experience but it was not better than with Raphael, only, different; and he did not feel as serene as he usually did after his and Raph’s lovemaking. It was maybe because it was his first time with a girl or down to the situation with Raph; he didn’t know, but had dismissed his theories as unimportant.

All that mattered, was that he had been wrong to have sex with her, when his situation with Raph was not settled.  

Since then, he had kept a respectful distance from her, not knowing where he stood. Karai had been disappointed, and it had taken a lot of diplomacy to hide the truth; that his brother, whom he had debauched to the point where Raph had turned mad with love, had tried to kill him because of excessive jealousy over her.  
  
Leo hated himself with more conviction than Raphael could hate him.  
  
Before he even touched the brown hair, Raphael turned quickly, moving on what was certainly instinct.

Leo had been afraid of what stated he would find his weakened and psychologically affected brother in, but the green eyes were alert and had undoubtedly recognized him They had taken on a disturbing intensity that almost made Leo look away.

The two of them remained that way a few moments, silent, gazing cautiously at each other, like two strangers trapped in a cell.  
  
Raphael seemed on his guard, his face neutral, in expectation of what Leo would do. But for Leo, seeing this beloved figure, even with his features full of suffering, had an unexpected effect on him. Leonardo found he had missed Raphael, no matter what he had done.

Raphael had acted only out of love. Passion mismanaged perhaps, but love all the same. It was not hatred that had driven Raphael to grip his throat and squeeze him almost to unconsciousness. It was all because Raph had needed to be loved back with the same intensity Raph displayed in his own feelings.

Faced with Leo’s silence and immobility, Raphael's eyes took on the reflection of a hunted and wounded beast.  
Leo immediately pressed a chaste kiss on his brother’s lips to quash his torture and calm his fears. Raph had already suffered enough. Passive lips answered quickly and Raph deepened the kiss, which Leo accepted willingly. He felt those butterflies in his stomach, which he had not experienced with the captain.

With Raph, there was something more; true love surely.

His brother finally seemed alive and he felt the intoxication of victory and relief, not to mention the desire that ignited in him as hands, so inert a few minutes before, feverishly traveled his body. It had been many weeks since they had made love together and suddenly his past resistance seemed stupid to him.

Yes, maybe Raph was right from the beginning. If he gave Raphael what he wanted, fully what he wanted, his brother would feel better. If Leo did not offer him the opportunity to be jealous, Raphael would have healthier behavior.

In the end, it was all his fault. He had been asking for it. He had not answered the text; admitted it was only because his cell had inadvertently fallen under the seat in his car, but his silence had to push Raphael to such a drastic measure. The combination of non-responses and his arrival with a woman who, instinctively, his brother seemed to hate, had not been his smartest move. It was all that was needed to ignite Raphael’s temper.

Moreover, if Raph had been negligent in taking his medication, Leo was also responsible for it. His duty as a big brother was to look after his younger siblings and he had missed this and allowed it to become a problem.

Raphael's insistent tongue against his own, and his own pounding heart, drew him from his thoughts, holding on to the idea that only Donatello had access to the cameras pointed everywhere.  
  
He broke the kiss and stared into the burning eyes of his brother, who stared back at him, his gaze full of questions.  
  
"Not here, Raph. I'll take you home," Leonardo firmly stated. "It's a better place for a reunion. I brought you some clean clothes. Put them on."  
  
For the first time in two weeks, Raphael smiled.

\----

While Raphael was alone in his cell, dressing in the clean clothes Leo had given him, he had announced his impulsive decision to the genius of the family; much to the great displeasure of Donatello.

"It's not a good idea, Leo. Leave him here a little longer,” Donatello insisted. “Time to figure out what's wrong and how to help him."Leonardo shook his head.  
  
"No, Donnie. You've had him in your custody for two weeks and the only result is that he lost fifteen pounds. I know Raphael, I know what's good for him," the former leader stated. "You can always help him from home."  
  
Donnie still resisted, though he knew it was useless. Leo was usually inflexible once he had made a decision. In addition, he had informed Raphael. His brother would not forgive him for his intervention and would refuse to collaborate even more certainly than before. Faced with this alliance between his two eldest brothers, Donnie had no chance. Despite this, he tried to give one last warning.  
  
"Leo, Raph is not Snow White, to be healed with a simple kiss. I can’t guarantee Raphael won’t be a danger to you, others or himself, if you take him out of here,” he warned seriously. "His condition is not stable. He may seem lethargic and powerless right now, but once outside, it will no longer be the case. If he doesn’t take his medication regularly..."  
  
"I'm taking care of it," Leo said with a touch of condescension, and Donnie knew he just had to drop it.

Leo's love for their brother, whether brotherly or romantic, blinded him. Although Raphael had reacted positively to Leo, he remained unpredictable; too much so, by Donatello’s estimations, to be let outside, with guns and explosives. Certainly, his brother wouldn’t go so far as to kill someone, he knew Raph too well, but it was better to be safe than sorry, in his humble opinion.

Unfortunately, Donatello was not the leader; and although he might respond that, at least on the surface, the hierarchy was meaningless, he knew he would hit a wall. He waved his hand, meaning he yielded, despite his gut telling him what a poor idea it was and his mind screaming what a coward he was.

Leonardo then returned to the room and, pulling Raphael out by the hand, brought him to face Donnie, who was as sorry as he was anxious. Donatello handed to the lieutenant a paper bag containing the medicines for their brother, informing him that, after running some small checks, he would meet them back at home.

Raphael allowed himself to be pulled along, as though a child. He was happy, but even that emotion seemed difficult to express. He did not feel any calmer than before, though Don had tried to get him to admit he was better, thanks to the drugs. He felt inside him things, emotions, but it was as if they were imprisoned and he only received the echo, a vibrating wave, neither pleasant nor unpleasant.

As soon as he had kissed his brother, an emotion had managed to filter to the surface, for the first time in two weeks. But quickly, it had faded away, becoming knotted inside him. He wanted to be happy, happy and free to express it as he had before, but he could not. He felt suffocated and oppressed. He did not know if he was empty or, on the contrary, too full of gagged emotions.

Maybe he would be better once the prison, as he called it, was behind him.

Once outside, Raphael already breathed better. It was a cold, gloomy autumn day, and bursts of wind violently swept at the dead leaves on the sidewalk, but with his hand in Leo's, it seemed to him that everything was brighter.

When Leo had left him alone in the room while he went to talk to Donatello, he had almost feared that it was a hallucination due to medication. But as soon as his brother had returned, Leonardo had kissed him again gently, dispelling his doubts and assuring him that he was coming with him.

And now he was sitting in Leo's car, the lieutenant's hand on his thigh. He noticed it was eleven o'clock. He had lost all sense of time in the cell.  
  
"It's Sunday, Raph,” Leo told him, seeming to read his thoughts. “We will go back home and take things slowly and quietly. I took leave from work tomorrow. Donnie has signed you a medical certificate. You don’t have to come back to work for three weeks, not until you feel better."  
  
He nodded. Indeed, he did not feel ready to rejoin a crowd immediately after two weeks of isolation. He only wanted to curl up under a blanket with his boyfriend, reconnect with him.  
  
This thought made him squint. Was Leo still his boyfriend? Had they broken up? No, of course not, because then why would he kiss him? Leonardo would not have the cruelty to play games with him, kissing him despite not loving him anymore. His brother was far too honest for that.  
  
Their arrival at home confirmed his thoughts. Leo brought him upstairs immediately. Raphael found himself buried to the chin under the duvet, the hands of his eldest brother maternally caressing his head.  
  
"Do you need anything, Raph? Chicken noodle soup? Ramen? That would surely warm you up. It's so cold today. What would make you happy?"  
  
Leo's voice was so soft and his eyes shone with pure adoration. Raphael's heart opened like a flower in the sun in the face of this spectacle. His brother did not blame him. Leo was still his. He could not ravish him with joy and passion as he had before, but almost. Feeling something again was wonderful.

"You know what I would like, Leo, what would warm me up. Make love to me, like you mean it,” Raphael begged. "It's been so long," he insisted, holding onto Leo's hand when it straightened slightly, as though he were preparing to leave. "I need to feel that... you still love me, even though ..."

He needed to feel to make sure he was still alive, despite feeling so numb. Leo was going to chase away this nightmare and bring him back to life.

Hearing his brother stomp on the unspoken words, Leonardo's heart writhed with pity. He had thought about their future interactions while he drove, all the way home. He had looked sideways at Raphael several times in the car, not recognizing his brother in this haggard-eyed man. He still loved Raphael, but his love had mutated into something more... maternal.

Leonardo wanted to surround his brother with tenderness, and for the moment sex seemed to be out of the equation. It was not because suddenly his brother was unattractive, despite his more emaciated face. His brother had still a flawless body and a handsome male face, but...

Raphael was ill, his glowing green eyes dimmed because he was full of neuroleptics. Sex seemed inappropriate to Leo, with his past lover in such a pitiful mental state. The kiss he had given earlier had been more caring than lustful, though he had not denied Raphael when he deepened it.

Leo had liked the touch, the caress, the kiss, but later, while driving, he had regretted all of it.

He had already abused Raph of his youth and innocence. He could not use him in a sexual way, when his brother was almost completely out of it. 

Raph's hand pressed against his, but not with violence, more with the insistence of a child. He remembered then that denying Raphael sex had not led to good results. And this time, Raphael had correctly expressed his desire, with a soft voice, and actual words. Refusing would be impossible without hurting his brother badly, though he really did not want to do anything sexual with him at the moment.

He told himself that perhaps Raphael would be satisfied with a few caresses; or that Leo himself would warm up to the idea once in contact with his brother's body and he would be able to go all the way. Anyway, he told himself, he had no choice; the green eyes were staring at him with disturbing intensity.

"Okay, Raph," he yielded nicely. "Let me undress you."

With tender gestures, he pulled his t-shirt up over his brother's head. Leo wrinkled his nose, suddenly remembering that Raphael had not washed for two weeks.

"Let's go take a bath, before, to relax you."

Leonardo's positive response reassured Raphael, who felt a certain excitement again. Making love would free him from all the tension he was experiencing.

The lieutenant smiled with even more tenderness at seeing his brother’s contented smile. They wouldn’t fuck senseless, as they were used to. He would make love to him with great delicacy and affection. He could not allow himself to hurt his brother. It was a good decision and he would stick to it.

Lately, Leo finding himself was often changing his mind, feeling nervous and anxious all the time, more than he had ever experienced before. It was like his feelings and Raph’s had grown in intensity since their human transformations. 

He took Raphael's hand and guided him back to the bathroom, where he undressed himself.

Leo, wearing only his black and blue boxers, leaned down to run the water into the tub, and green eyes ran over the curve of his brother’s perfect buttocks. He did not dare to grab them or slap them lovingly as before, fearful of upsetting Leo by going too fast. What Raph liked the most about Leo, aside from his blue-steel eyes, was that firm, well-curved backside, which almost begged to be touched. Raph had drooled over Leo’s fine ass more than a thousand times, as much when they were mutants as now they were human. But this time, much to his dismay, a new phenomenon was occurring.

His cock was not hardening at the idea of banging Leo.  
  
He was still stood there, astonished and looking in shock at his uncooperative dick, when Leo turned around.  
  
"Raph?” Leo questioned. “You didn’t finish getting undressed?"  
  
Raph swallowed what felt like a melon in his throat, and faintly answered yes. He turned so as not to be facing his lover. Once naked, he looked again, with a mixture of surprise and horror, at his flaccid sex, while Leo laid a kiss on his shoulder blade, clasping his arms around him from behind.  
  
Leo was there, naked, behind him, showing him affection and promising sex and he, his... he was still not hard! Flabbergasted, he blinked repeated, thoughts jostling in his head.  
  
He did not remember the false age his ID cards gave him, but he was convinced that a man under thirty years old, in good health, could not suffer from erectile dysfunction.

It was not Leonardo, either; Leo excited him as much as usual, he reasoned, while his lover covered his back with sweet kisses. Yes, he was nervous and worried about making a mess of everything, but not so much. Leo had been his partner for too long for him to be intimidated.

He had been longing to have sex with him for over a month. And then... his body did not collaborate?

An idea came to him. The pills. Donnie had stuffed unknown drugs down his throat for two weeks. The scientist had initially told him twice a day, but in fact, it had seemed to him that it was much more often. Without a doubt, these drugs had to have side effects, like… this.

He had to talk to Donnie about it. It was out of the question for him to continue taking this poison if it prevented him from having a hard-on. He wanted to heal for Leo, to keep his love, but not at the expense of their sex life. Probably, with all the drugs Don forced in his throat, not swallowing one or two would go unnoticed, without much affecting his behavior, he reasoned. He had to learn about them and find out which ones were most damaging to his physical health and sex life.

"Raph? What are you thinking about?" Leo questioned, turning him back to face him.

“Just looking forward to getting clean,” Raph blurted out, embarrassed, and let himself be dragged into the bathtub. Leonardo, with tenderness, rubbed his torso with the soapy sponge, and Raph was thankful that the foam hid his embarrassing state.

Even with Raph was directing all his mental faculties toward the vain task of getting his stupid dick to react, he did not succeed.  
  
He hoped that once in bed, when Leo's caresses were more salacious, his would finally manage to pull a woody.  
  
But, even when he was stretched out on the mattress in their bedroom, Leo's hand gently circling his flaccid cock as he licked at the head, there was no reaction. He had to face the facts; Don, with his evil pharmacy, had made him impotent.  
  
He clenched his fists in shame and Leo raised his head, a sympathetic smile on his face. The kind of smile he'd never wanted to see stamped on his lover's face in their bedroom.

The face of pity.

"It's still too early, Raphie. You just got out of the hospital, this is normal. We have all the time of the world,” Leo consoled him with the charity of a fucking nurse talking to a patient.  
  
Raphael did not answer and did not move anymore, staring at the ceiling. It was only when the light snoring of the sleeping man on his shoulder hit him that he moved.  
  
His lover had to be exhausted to fall asleep in broad daylight. So, not wanting to wake him, Raph stretched out his arm out with delicacy to search the bag Don had given them, which had been placed on the bedside table. He managed to remove the prescription note.  
  
_Treatment to be taken for twelve weeks._ __  
__  
_Morning:_ __  
__  
_Loxapac 25mg_ __  
__  
_Tranxen 10mg_ __  
__  
_Seresta 75mg_ __  
__  
_Midday :_ __  
__  
_Loxapac 25mg_ __  
__  
_Tranxen 10mg_ __  
__  
_Evening:_ __  
__  
_Abilify 20mg_ __  
__  
_Loxapac 25mg_ __  
__  
_Tranxen 10mg_ __  
__  
_Haldol 2mg_ __  
__  
_Sleep :_ __  
__  
_Xeroquel 400mg_ __  
__  
_Loxapac 100mg_  
  
Instead of scrunching up the sheet of paper, he gritted his teeth, still feeling a rising rage, despite Donnie trying to control him, by giving him enough drugs to knock out a moose.  
  
No wonder, with all this chemical shit, he was unable to fuck. He would never let these devilish drugs destroy him even further for another three months and risk them making his ‘problem’ irreversible! Leonardo had already been looking at him like he was his damn nurse, with compassion and no desire at all, even almost fear and disgust.

Cautiously, he began a search on his cell phone, which was next to him, to find out which medicines could be removed from his daily dose and go unnoticed.

About twenty minutes later, he knew it.

He was not psychotic. He was not schizophrenic, or borderline, or bipolar, or paranoid or depressed.

It was all bullshit, invented by Donnie, because Donnie knew nothing of the emotions. Donnie never felt the love and the jealousy that was felt when a loved one was flirting with another.

Donnie could not admit his ignorance, so he put labels on Raph, to look like he knew what he was talking about. He made him swallow drugs that stifled the life from him, choking him. No, these diseases were purely Donnie’s invention, but his dead cock was not. It was a real problem that could jeopardize his romantic relationship with Leonardo.

Leo was a very physical lover. If Raph didn’t give him sex, his brother would look for it elsewhere!

It was a problem that he did not want to live through again. He would take care of it. He knew what to stop taking. Donatello's lies and all of that shit medicine.

He would not take any of it. And he knew how to fool everyone.

\----

Raph had to wait two days, hiding the pills under his tongue and try to distract Leonardo, so that he did not see the trickery. He refused to leave his room to avoid meeting Donnie, who was more perspicacious than Leo. And he evaded all too explicit physical contact with his brother, so as not to show his ‘shameful state’.

Raphael did not know if his plan was possible, but was burning to know. However, he could not contact anyone on his cell phone with Leo always near him. Even without being jealous, his boyfriend would become suspicious and perhaps ask to see the messages. He could not take that risk or refuse to show them to him. Then Leo would use it as an excuse to hide his own.

Finally, on Tuesday, Leo returned to work, much to Raph’s intense satisfaction. He had hesitated for a long while, about leaving his brother alone, but Mikey had promised to make sure Raph took his pills and that he would come home from school for lunch.

It was enough for Leo, but did not worry Raphael too much; even if Mikey caught him, his little brother would not tell on him, not after what Raph had done for him. Now Mikey’s life at school was better and it was all thanks to him, because he had not minded staining his hands to take care of their family business.

The fact was that soon after Leo was gone, Raph had texted his friend Fabio. Fabio had been a counselor and a sexual partner, but had also introduced him to several interesting people, including a chemist, who worked in a criminal laboratory. Creating placebos similar to tablets would be child’s play for him, as well as providing him with a dozen capsules of Cialis or Viagra, to carrying him through until his virility returned.

He could not wait to be with his lover again properly. He had explained to Fabio that it was an emergency and he had been promised the pills by Friday.

Leonardo, strangely, did not seem surprised by his sudden sexual disinterest and demonstrated the patience and understanding of a saint. A little too much patience even, in Raph’s opinion. The first few days after returning home, he had tasted the happiness of having his brother's attention entirely on him. Now, however, as the week went on, being considered a fragile thing or a sick person was beginning to annoy him. He did not want Leo to look at him this way. He wanted to arouse his desire, not his pity.  
  
Raph had not taken his pills since Sunday morning and was getting impatient. The weaning gave him pins and needles in the legs at all times, especially at night, and he struggled to not move with Leonardo curled up against him, their legs entwined. If he wasn’t careful, Leo would wake up and want to know the reason for the spasms. One question to Donnie about it and Raph was caught. Then Leo would not trust him anymore and would let Dr. Don lock him up in the cell for the next twenty years.  
  
So he had barely closed his eyes for three days and he felt consumed by impatience. He was trying to ease the days of waiting and overcome the tingling in his limbs, by training excessively in the basement. Pumping iron had always done him good, but he came to want to do something else with his body, like bending someone else's under his own.  
  
Throughout the week, despite his lack of erection, he had been constantly looping fantasies of Leonardo in his mind. He could not wait to dive into that warm body and belong to Leo once more. That his brother did not seem to share his impatience was beyond him.  
  
Raphael tried to prevent his imagination from going too far, to keep from imagining Leo’s indifferent to his charms was because he was finding satisfaction elsewhere.

He could not question Leonardo or show too much jealousy. He had to keep up his zombie act and pretend he was still the bleating lamb controlled by Donatello's drugs. Anyway, it was only for the moment, because Leo would become so much in love with him, that they would never have a fight with each other again, and so Leo would no longer complain to their scientific brother about him.

He just needed to be content and calm enough to go back to work.

In addition, they would finally move on and could live their lives intimately. The money stolen from the neighbor was now well hidden, so buying the ring would, therefore, be possible much faster, despite his lost salary, because of his sick leave. Yes, he could not wait until the day when Leo would answer, ‘Yes, I do’; he believed he might implode under the waves of excitement that ran through him.

By Friday, his impatience had reached a peak because, thirty minutes before his brother’s arrival home from work, he had successfully replaced all tablets with placebos and swallowed a blue diamond pill. He was already beginning to feel it take effect. Without the shit that paralyzed his system, everything was much better.

When Fabio had handed him the bag, containing the fake pills to last him at least a month, the man had tried to lure Raphael into following him. He had wanted to ‘test some new material’ but Raph had rejected the offer of sex. He did not have cum to waste with anyone other than his lover.

Leo, upon coming back from work and not finding Raph in the living-room, had gone straight upstairs, imagining that his brother was continuing to stay shut up as he had since his return from Don’s creepy workplace.  
  
Without suspicion, Leonardo entered the bedroom, which was dimly lit. With a harsh push, he was abruptly pressed against the mattress.  
  
"Hello, Fearless. I so missed you, babe,” Raphael whispered in his ear, nuzzling him. “All this fucking time without you has been long. Your break is over. It's time for me to take back what's mine before you forget it.”

Leo's whole body stiffened as he waited to see what would happen next, his anxiety near his ex-lover coming back in full strength. Leo felt Raph’s hard cock very well, pressing against him, his brother completely naked. He was not ready to become intimate with his Raphael immediately; Leo did not feel comfortable enough with him and he did not believe that bestial and possessive sex, Raphael seemed to desire, was wise in the circumstances. He was going too fast.  
  
"Raph, I won’t forget you. We can take our time…” Leo told him, trying to put forward his point of view. “You are still fragile emotionally and …”  
  
"Shit, Leo, you're not my fucking nurse, okay?” Raph hissed furiously above him. "You're my lover! And lovers have sex! And I'm fine! I'm tired of taking my time for no reason. I love you, you love me, no need to question it. You are forgetting what we should be to each other! We are soulmates," he exclaimed passionately.  
  
To get his point across, Raphael's lips and tongue ran down his neck, and an unexpected bite made the former-leader cry faintly.  
  
"Raph... are you sure you're taking your medicine?" the lieutenant worried. If already, so quickly, it had been fooled by Raph, Don would not trust him anymore and he would contain Raphael for a while longer. Leo could not bear that, his brother had already suffered too much.  
  
Raphael turned him onto his back quickly, to stare him in the eyes. For a moment, his partner seemed angry that he dared to question him, but finally, a smile split his face.  
  
He got up from the bed and opened each pill container. He put them under Leo's nose.  
  
"You see? There are four, as I must take in the evening. Watch me, Fearless."  
  
With ostentation, he swallowed them, showing off even under his tongue to prove he had nothing to hide.  
  
"I did what you wanted. It's your turn to do what I want," he demanded, his voice hoarse with desire.  
  
Leo sighed internally. He knew the moment was coming. Was it so bad? It was really what Raphael wanted. He had only to arrange it so that he did not slip like last time.

He had seen Karai today, despite all his attempts to avoid being alone with her; She had not spoken to him about what had happened between them, retaining a professional attitude, but the lieutenant had seen that she had been deeply hurt by his behavior. The truth was that Leo, if he had been free, could have considered Karai as a potential girlfriend and maybe even wife. She had many qualities that appealed to the former leader and they shared many similarities. The problem was that he was not free, precisely, but this, the captain had to remain ignorant about. Like everyone else.

What he felt for Raph was completely different, but had to remain in the shadows, a secret they would carry in the grave. With Raphael, there would be no Sunday afternoon at the zoo in Central Park with their children. For all, they were brothers and had to remain only that in the face of the world, under penalty of imprisonment and ostracism. And Leonardo refused to let his younger brother suffer for a decision he made as a teenager, led more by hormones than by judgment, to physically express his love to Raphael.  
  
He lost his train of thought as Raphael pulled hard on the white shirt of his uniform, sending all the buttons flying. He stood up to protest but was again pinned to the mattress with authority, Raphael’s tongue opening a passage audaciously in his mouth, while his hands searched with the assurance of an owner. The tongue slid down his chest as his hands gripped Leo's arms tightly, keeping him in place. Raph reached his lower abdomen, and the green eyes rose, staring intently.  
  
"You're mine, Leo. No more waiting, no more hesitation. I need you to give yourself deeply to our relationship! I need your commitment!" he explained fiercely. “I don’t want to row alone in one direction and you in the other. We are in the same boat! It was you who put me there and we’ll take this journey together, to the end," he declared solemnly.  
  
Leonardo said nothing as his brother swallowed his cock greedily, and saw how his brother devoured him of all the possible ways; he had the impression of mating with a scavenger.  
  
Yes, they would make this journey together. But where was it going to lead them?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'll try to post Bent as soon as possible. I'm not feeling my story on turtle form lately, and I'm busy with my participation in the incoming fanbooks and Leo's week. Not having feedback on this story doesn't help my motivation.  
> I made a new Tumblr if you want to send me a private message, ask me a request or see the art done for my stories, here: https://www.tumblr.com/blog/caroaimezoe.
> 
> For the ones having read it, I have a new illustration for Devil's Playground, chapter 16. Check this out!


	15. Manuel Cabanera

It had been three weeks since Raph had come home and Leo could not take it anymore. His brother had not had any more jealous tantrums, nor was he really violent. Each isolated gesture was not significant, but it was the accumulation of light annoyances, day after day, that stifled the young man.  
  
Leonardo, from childhood, had professed a love of calm. Without being what one would call a loner, he sometimes liked to remain alone, free to meditate or simply read, for many hours, quietly.  
  
But that time was over with Raph, who continually grabbed him, following him so closely he was breathing down his neck. Leo could not move in their home without being followed and did not even dare to touch his phone. Raph demanded his exclusive attention, constantly. He did not even have the opportunity to miss him. And that wasn’t counting their... sex life, if it could be called that.  
  
Raphael, in a fit of guilt, no doubt, often asked him to strangle him, slap him, pinch him and bite him. Leonardo had often been a fan of ‘hardcore’ sex, but since Raph's last outbursts of violence in real life, miming that aggression in their intimate acts was difficult for him. He felt no grudge against Raph, as he seemed to believe, and he didn’t have to let go of any bad, non-existent feelings. On the contrary, what he felt was a mixture of unspeakable tenderness, but also... pity. He did not want to hit on this being, who was suffering so.  
  
The man, who now almost imposed himself as his companion, had nothing to do with the turtle he had been as madly in love with. The Raph of the sewers was proud, passionate indeed, but independent and likewise had respected his brother’s need for freedom. And above all, he had not been afraid of him.  
  
Leo did not, strictly speaking, fear that he was physically threatened, but rather that Raphael might relapse, hurt himself or someone else, and end up spending the rest of his life locked up. Raph would die if he was taken back to the maximum security fortress where Don worked.

No, he would not let Don leave him to wallow in that place. He was responsible for his little brother and so much love on his part, touched him, but he was tired.

He seemed to be so obsessed with Raphael that on several occasions, at work, despite knowing his little brother was at home, he thought he saw him watching him as he went down to the cafeteria. Likewise, several times it had seemed that a motorcycle identical to his brother’s was following him, but he told himself that it was only his imagination.

Fortunately, Raphael had to go back to work. Hopefully then, he might be too tired to spend hours between bedsheets, when Leo, exhausted, would have liked to just watch the news on television. Perhaps, with Raph being a sociable person, his social life would occupy him from time to time, leaving Leo to read in peace or to simply sleep.  
  
The sexual vigor of his lover was admittedly amazing. Although he had never had reason to complain about his performances in the past, Raph was now tireless, seemingly reborn from his ashes like a phoenix. Leo had deduced that it was the meds that had to have produced this side effect but he had not yet spoken to Donnie, embarrassed by the subject.  
  
Raph no longer took control of their mating, once they were passed the first steps, as if he feared getting carried away and losing his mind. But Raph still directed Leo into using violence while they were being intimate, claiming such abuse would be good for them, to make him suffer. But it wasn’t what Leo wanted.

Leo had tried to approach the subject several times with his lover, speaking of envy, of more tender hugs, not necessarily including penetration. Raphael had tried once or twice, but it was as if his animalistic side gaining control over him, and Leo often thought that Raph was less human now than when he was a reptile.

On the other hand, sometimes he thought he might not be right with Raph.

He, himself, had perhaps changed. Statements of passion that once gave him butterflies in the stomach, seemed unhealthy now to the former leader. Raph sometimes pushed his possessiveness to the point of marking his lover with his sperm, forcing Leo, disgusted, to hide to wash himself. The only time Raph had done the same thing as a turtle, Leo had been turned on. But those times were over.

Their other two brothers hardly saw Raphael, who almost never left his room when Donatello was there; but if he stayed upstairs, Leo had to stay there too. For a former leader, and a relatively senior officer in the police force, not to be his own master at home was beyond him. It was alienating!

Raph did not know it yet, but tomorrow Leo was starting a new work schedule. The difference was little, but for Leo, it would do him the world of good. He would now have Wednesdays off, and would work on Saturdays instead. He would have a whole day alone while Raphael was at work. And Raph would only by himself on Saturdays.

It was perfect. If he could have at least a day to breathe, on a weekly basis, he would manage to hold on until Raph became normal again, or else jaded about their relationship

Because yes, he admitted, part of him almost wanted this solution.

He loved Raph, but their love was impossible. His little brother would find more happiness with another partner and he wished, above all, for Raphael to be happy.

But having to announce this change of schedule almost frightened him. He did not know how Raphael was going to take it. He had asked Casey, who had been totally neglected in recent months by his former best friend, to take Raph out every Friday night. It would give him another night for him to do what he liked, without the haunting presence of Raphael.

He could go see a movie, at the cinema, alone, at last.

Raphael and he did not share the same cinematographic tastes and anyway, they had to remain on their guard in public. What good was it to be human, when cloistered in his room at the end of his working day? He could not enjoy the pleasure offered by life on the surface. Yes, if he could have one day and one evening a week alone, he could handle Raphael's possessiveness the rest of the week.

But how did he announce it to him? He could not believe that he, the Fearless Leader, was reduced to cowering from his brother, over informing him of a detail as insignificant as a change of day off. But the fact was that anguish instinctively clung to him, though he tried to convince himself that perhaps Raph, seeming a little better, would not make a fuss about it.  
  
"Leo, baby... you seem distracted."  
  
Raphael was looking up at him, interrupted from the blowjob he was giving. Leo had been so lost in his thoughts for the last five minutes, that he had almost forgotten what they were doing. The green eyes seemed angry and Leo did not know what to do.  
  
"Are you thinking about someone else, baby? "  
  
Despite the neutral voice, Leo perceived the threat. Raph had not expressed jealousy since his return, not really. Only, here and there, an innocent question about the course of his day. Anyway, to avoid alarming Raphael and fueling his paranoia, the lieutenant always took good care not to lose a minute on his way home from work.  
  
He did not think of anyone else, no. His own mind no longer seemed to belong to him, constantly preoccupied with what Raph was going to say or do. Even when he had stayed at Karai's for a month, after the horrible scene with the revolver, he had not stopped thinking about his brother, subtly wondering if he was fine.  
  
He had been assured then, that yes, he was. And it was true. Raph had gone out a lot, seemed to have friends and interests, and had been performing at work. Maybe he was handling this the wrong way. He had been believing that giving Raph what he wanted would make him calm and satisfied, but perhaps he was actually harming him. Perhaps, in fact, he was the cause of Raphael's suffering. For some reason, Raph had relapsed when he returned.  
  
He would have liked to talk to a therapist himself, to relieve his heavy heart. His feelings of guilt, responsibility, and his remaining love for Raph were such energy-consuming feelings that left him feeling empty. He could not talk to Donatello about it. If he took Raph... But he couldn’t talk to a stranger either.

And he was not the only one who had to talk to someone, Raphael had to undergo psychotherapy, but refused to collaborate with Donnie. Maybe they could do that couple’s therapy he had seen on TV.

"Fearless ..."  
  
Oh, Raph was still there and waiting for his answer. His displeasure was evident in not holding a flaccid limb and he was so lost in his thoughts that he still had not answered him.  
  
"I thought we had a lot of stress lately,” Leo answered him. “You know, our transformation, our acclimation to the surface, the death of our father and, the ... um, some incidents."  
  
Leo paused, letting this permeate Raphael's mind as he stared at him, as if on guard.

The dark-haired young man did not like this expression and his instinct shouted for him to buckle, but his dominant personality took over. He was tired of being under Raphael's law and keeping quiet. He was going to calmly explain his reasons and listen to what Raph was going to say, but at the slightest spark, he would get out of bed and slam the door. It probably wouldn’t be necessary because Raphael took his medicine at least three times a day in front of him and Mikey assured him that he was taking it at lunchtime too.

"I think that if we are going to live the rest of our lives as a couple, we have to find a therapist; without saying that we are brothers of course. Just friends since childhood, we should say. It could only be good for us.”  
  
Raphael's face remained rather inexpressive. He made Leo repeat it.

Leo complied, but developed his arguments further, demonstrating that it could only be positive. He clearly saw the struggle that divided his brother, despite his relentless efforts to keep a neutral face.

"Do you think there is a problem with our relationship?” Raphael asked in a low voice, though veiled with indignation.  
  
Bravely, Leonardo nodded. He thought to add something, to bring a damper to his answer, but finally decided no.  
  
Abruptly, Raphael got up and paced the room like a wild animal in a cage.  
  
"I don’t understand what exactly you're complaining about, Leo. I love you, I prove it to you! I am faithful to you! I only want you and I only think of you. How many people can say the same, eh, Leo? How many people are so loved? Surely not me!” The last syllables had been screamed and in a single gesture, he threw himself on the ebony-haired young man, frozen in their bed, gripping him ferociously.  
  
Raphael seemed to regain his senses, and released Leo immediately.  
  
"It's you who has a problem, Leo. Not me. You are ungrateful," he added fiercely.  
  
Leo rolled his eyes, refusing to be impressed by Raphael. This argument, after all, still seemed in control. He was not so different in his fury from the real Raphael, whose temperament he had handled thousands of times before.  
  
"If you don't want to, I'll go see a therapist, alone,” Leo conceded.  
  
Raphael no longer seemed relieved, on the contrary.  
  
"Why baby?” he asked uncomfortably, clearly agitated. “Do you need to talk to someone other than me, huh? Tell me your problems and we'll find a solution together," he said gently.  
  
Leo shook his head.  
  
"I already tried and... I need to keep a secret garden, Raph," he explained as gently as he could.  
  
Tics began to appear on the swarthy face of the other male.  
  
"You don’t have time for that bullshit. You always work. If you don’t have time for us, you don’t have time to sit on some sofa and whine to a stranger!” Raph retorted.  
  
Leonardo took a breath. It was now or never. He even ignored Raph's ridiculous claim, which seemed to reproach the eldest for not giving him enough of his time, when he was constantly at his side. He threw himself into the lion's den with courage.  
  
"My work schedule has changed. I have Wednesdays off and work on Saturdays. So I could do Wednesdays ... things on my side, like meeting a therapist."  
  
"And me? Will  I have the day off on Wednesdays?” Raphael asked anxiously.  
  
Swallowing hard, Leo shook his head.  
  
"No. Your work schedule has not changed," said Leo as calmly as he could.  
  
Raphael, to his astonishment, said nothing for a long time, then asked him to turn on his stomach.

“Why?” Leo asked, worried.

A little hurt by his lover’s mistrust, Raphael explained that he could see that Leo was not in the right headspace for sex, but he needed something to relax.

Leo lay on his stomach and heard his brother rummage in the drawers a little more briskly than necessary. It occurred to him at once that his brother was looking for his weapon, which Leo had hidden, insisting that, except on duty, Raph did not need it. He armed himself with courage, ready to face whatever his brother could point at his face.

“What are you looking for?” he managed to ask him in a rather firm voice.

Raph, who seemed to have finally got his hands on what he was looking for, sat down by the bed and he heard the crack of a match and soon a sweet and exotic smell filled the room.  
  
"Relax, Fearless. You seem incredibly tense. that's normal, with your job, and me, who keeps asking you for attention. You give me so much, Leo, even if I’m not deserving of you. Let me show you how much I care about you. I'm going to give you a massage.”  
  
He then poured the wax of the candle which in fact, had turned into oil and Leo, from the first movements, uttered a sigh of ease. He did not know that his brother could massage with such expertise and gentleness. He listened with a distracted ear, too numb with comfort, to the sweet little things that his lover had to say. He did not understand how the conversation, which had been so tense, got so relaxed; but he could not care. He was feeling too good.  
  
"Tell me, babe… Why are you not happy with me? You love me, right?” The question was asked with tenderness and sincerity.  
"You're taking me too much of my time and energy,” Leo replied frankly, as the skillful hands of his brother lovingly needed his lower back. “I don’t feel free to do what I love. We have almost no simple conversations anymore, and even less profound ones. We don’t do anything with our family and I don’t like to abuse you, when we have sex. That does not excite me anymore, at this point. I’m exhausted, Raph."  
  
Raphael was silent again for two long minutes and Leo felt tortured.  
  
"Very well. We won’t do it anymore,” he conceded, to the immense astonishment of Leonardo. "You are right. You do all the work, all the time. I never try to please you. I’m selfish. I take, I take and I never give," he admitted, lovingly caressing his boyfriend's lower back.  
  
Leonardo was surprised at the off-handed mea culpa, but Raphael seemed honest and calm, his hands kneading his thighs with so much adoration now.  
  
"Relax and let yourself be spoiled," he whispered tenderly, turning him on his back, then gently placing a pillow under his loins. "I have something that I bought for you that we didn’t try yet. I know you'll love it.”  
  
Light-headed and his body rested, Leo relaxed as his lover explored and licked, before introducing the little object that Raphael had hiding from him. Feeling a sweet vibration that resonated deliciously on his prostate, the black haired male bit his lip in the face of this spectacular rise in pleasure that he knew would lead to a rapid climax.  
  
Leaving the object in place and authorizing Leo to use his hand on his own now hard erection, Raphael took out a small instrument with a serrated wheel.  
  
"Don’t worry. It doesn’t hurt. A little pleasant tickling, nothing more. I will never hurt you again, babe," he whispered in his ear, comfortably lying beside him, looking him straight in the eye between each of his kisses.  
  
"I love you, Leo. I'll pay more attention to you, I promise.”

Raphael’s amorous murmurings soothed him. It was the type of loving expression he liked, simple, but true and tender words, combined with slow, suggestive caresses.

Intoxicated by all the sensations, and feeling the pleasure increase more and more, Leo could not help wondering, as to slow down the imminent arrival of his orgasm, where Raphael had learned to use these objects.  
  
"Did you use this with someone else when I left?” Leo murmured, the question finally crossing his lips.  
  
The sergeant stammered that he did not want to talk about it, but his curiosity piqued, he asked Leo if he was jealous. Leo denied it, though rather weakly, too monopolized by the sensations. Raphael had increased the vibrations of the apparatus.  
  
"There's no shame in being jealous, baby. I have been. I understand," he explained with empathy.  
  
"No. Why would I be? You experimented too, that's normal,” the other man said nonchalantly.  
  
Leo's heart missed a beat when he noticed what he had just said and that the last movement of the wheel had been more clumsy. Raph had understood the meaning. The eldest stopped jerking off, and waited, stiff with anguish, for the rage of his partner.  
  
Raph's breath became a little more hoarse."Me too?” he enquired, his voice still soft. “So that means you had your own experiences?" The green eyes shone with ingenuous curiosity.  
  
Although the sensations were still divine, Leo's cock began to soften as his anxiety increased. Raph looked calm, but it was probably a lure. Realizing his lover was no longer caressing himself, Raph’s hand delicately grasped Leo’s sex and began to pump it with energy.  
  
"Why don’t you answer me, babe? I asked you a question. Didn’t you complain that we never have a real conversation? You can tell me anything and I will tell you my experiences afterwards,” Raphael suggested naturally.  
  
"Just once…" Leo responded in a whisper, nervous despite Raph’s calm.  
  
"Oh yeah? A guy or a chick? I tried both," Raphael confessed, matter-of-factly.  
  
Raph’s curiosity, by no means inquisitive, seemed sincere. Similarly, he had just confided on the same subject. He owed him a truth, but out of prudence he remained vague.  
  
"Girl," he replied quickly, in a hurry to be done, and wishing instead to redirect his attention to his pleasure, rather than answer an interrogation.  
  
"And did you like that? You can tell me."  
  
Leo looked attentively at his brother, who wore a naughty smile on his lips. Yes, the meds were effective on Raphael. There was maybe hope for their relationship, after all. Raphael showed himself so attentive, calm, and understanding tonight. Not to mention all the pleasure that his expert hands gave him.  
  
"It wasn’t bad," he replied cautiously. "But it wasn’t as good as with you," he hastened to add, just in case.  
  
"Oh, thanks, Leo. You touch me, saying that. Me too, it was not the same, babe, without you. There was not the magical spark of real love, “Raphael tenderly admitted, kissing him on the forehead. "But tell me, it was with your captain, wasn’t it?” he enquired innocently, as his wrist continued the same rhythm.  
  
Despite the affectionate smile of his brother, Leo remained on his guard.  
  
"Raph, as I explained to you earlier, I want some privacy," the lieutenant explained.  
  
"Oh, yes, your secret garden.All right, Fearless. Close your eyes now and let yourself be led to seventh heaven," the cadet suggested, with lasciviousness.  
  
At the end of a brief moment, the waves of pleasure became stronger, the katana bearer closed his eyes, wavering slightly and moaning the name of his lover continually.

While pushing Leonardo to orgasm, with attentive and gentle hands, Raphael finally allowed his artificial smile to melt, his jaw clenching, to replace it with a grimace of hatred.

\----

He waited again for his boyfriend to fall asleep, which was still very fast.

No doubt, Leo was telling the truth when he claimed to be exhausted. On the other hand, his lover had not been honest on all points with him.

Raphael had learned his lesson. He was not stupid. Despite all his desire to shake Leonardo like a tree and demand answers to his questions, he preferred to stay subtle. A direct confrontation would repel his brother, while playing the game and pretending to bend backward, while doing his own research in the shadows would be much more profitable.

He began carefully to free himself from his lover’s embrace, and to extricate himself silently from the bed, under the pretext of washing his hands. But on the path between  the bedroom and the bathroom, he took the opportunity to quietly dig into the pocket of Leo's uniform, his heart beating rapidly in his chest. If he was caught, he knew that his brother would not be magnanimous.

With a victorious smile, his hand closed on what he was looking for. Leo's phone.

Stealthily, he made his way to the bathroom where he shut himself with his treasure. Immediately, he grew disenchanted. A code had to be entered to unlock the phone. Already, that was fishy. Why use a fucking code if he had nothing to hide? Raphael did not have one on his.

His brain worked at full speed as he quickly searched for what the code could possibly be. He began with their year of birth, and then tried 5736 which symbolized the letters LRDM. After this second failure, a message appeared to tell him that in case of an additional unsuccessful attempt, the phone would lock permanently for security.

Raph bit his lip. Taking the risk and making a mistake would mean an epic fight with his brother. He could not afford it. Not now, while Leo wanted to see therapists and take solo days to do god-knows-what without him. No, his relationship was too fragile and the bad memories too vivid for him to allow himself to be unmasked.

In this case, Leo would wonder how far his deception had gone, and if he found out that he was lying to him about the drugs, then Raph would have to give up on his Fearless. If he was wrong once again by entering the wrong code, he would lose Leo forever.

He hesitated for a long time, the cellphone still in hand, a scary feeling to gamble on everything for the Russian roulette. Finally, he put it down with a sigh.  
  
He would find another, safer way to satisfy his jealous curiosity. There were more important things to do.

With much discretion, he put the cell back from where he had taken it and watched Leo sleep for a long time. He tried to turn his rage away from Leo, giving him a thousand excuses, so as not to beat him to a pulp and risk losing him again. Keeping control of himself while Leo admitted to having fucked this woman had been the hardest thing he’d had to do in his life. He stared unashamedly at the white skin of his lover emerging from the darkness of the room.

This woman, the captain, he was sure, his gut yelled, had caressed, kissed and licked the chest, the body that belonged to him.

He was going to slice her hands, lips, tongue.  
  
Instead of Leo’s hot cock in her, this bitch would receive the cold bite of his sai. And then, well, he had only to be better than all possible bitches, to remove Leonardo’s temptation to see if the grass was greener elsewhere. Leo seemed to have appreciated the moment they had just had. He only had to multiply the opportunities to spoil his boyfriend and allow him to relax.

Leonardo looked exhausted, sleeping so deeply.

Raph thought bitterly about all he had done for his lover, as a mutant and a human, to have and keep his love. What more did this slut have than him, besides tits? Nothing, absolutely nothing! She would never love him the way he loved Leo.  
  
He tried to regain control of his nerves before facing the basement and the person he had been avoiding for the past three weeks, Donatello.  
  
He quickly put on a long-sleeved shirt, as he did every time he ran into Donnie, so that he wouldn’t notice the scar on his arm from when, with the tip of his sai, he had extricated his implanted tracer. Now he would put it in his pockets when he was moving around the house and leave it in his room when he was spying on Leo, so that Don could believe him to be at home.

If Leo suspected he was following him almost continuously, he would be furious.

Donnie, without any degree, was apparently being treated like a real doctor. It was kind of surprising, considering that Donatello was more an engineer. Raph did not know very much about Donatello’s real job, apart from knowing there were cells in the building. But there something he knew; Don could sign off on medical leave, or at least, had a pad for that.

After approaching on tiptoe, Raph knocked softly on Donnie's lab door. Without waiting for an answer, he entered the room. His brother’s back was to the door; he was sat in front of his computer, wearing headphones, and seemed immersed in an intense conversation with an unknown interlocutor.  
  
Negligently, not wanting to scare his brother but too eager to wait, Raph stepped forward and was immediately surprised to recognize his picture on Donnie's computer screen, profile and face. Then, after a few moments, he changed his mind. It was not him; the man, in addition to appearing thinner, wore his long hair in a ponytail and had a tattoo at the base of his neck, but the resemblance was staggering. Same green electric eyes, same swarthy complexion, same shaped jaw, and even thick and straight eyebrows; same nose, same nuance walnut hair and exactly the same height, according to the barometer behind, despite the 100 lb difference in muscle. It could not be a coincidence.  
  
He knew enough about his brother, Donatello, a very busy man, to know that if he was looking at a picture of this ... clone, he had to have a damn good reason, and that reason, no doubt, concerned him directly. He did not feel guilty about listening to the conversation.  
  
"I really need to find that Robertson, you have to give me the address for this Florida retirement home,” Donnie said. “He's the only one who knows the truth behind Cabanera's actions and killings."  
  
At this, Raph's breathing stopped for a moment. He KNEW this Hispanic-sounding name had something to do with him. That he appeared Latino had been pointed out enough for him to know it. He walked three more steps, enough to be able to see, over Donnie's shoulder, the identifying information written next to the mug shot.  
  
_‘Name: Cabanera, Manuel’_  
  
"Yes, I called  Raiford Prison. All the guardian from the nineties are retired too, or don’t remember anything, but this murderer had something special," Donnie insisted on the phone. “Why was his genetic material being kept for experiments? Why this madman more important than anyone else? The country is teeming with maniacs. There must be a reason and I need to discover it. The life of a member of my family is at stake," he begged.  
  
Raphael's heart was pounding. How was that possible? Genetic material? Could it be that…?  
  
Without even noticing it, he stepped back to the exit of the lab and closed the door quietly. His head buzzing with questions. What did all this mean? From what he understood, within him he had... criminal genes?  
  
He listened for another minute or two to the conversation, stunned.  
  
Despite the panic that threatened, Raphael tried to reason with himself. He was not really a criminal. All he had done was only out of love, and even in the Bible there was something that said he would be forgiven by those who loved a lot. No, he had nothing to do with this unknown lunatic and anyway, did not have time for this nonsense.

He knocked again at the door of the lab, but this time, with force, having had time to recompose a face. He waited this time for Donatello to come and open it and Raphael noticed the embarrassed look on his face.

"Raphael? What happened to make you stop avoiding me?” Donatello tried to joke.  
  
Without answering immediately, Raph stepped into the room, forcing Donnie to back off. The computer showed nothing more than the conventional photo that Don had chosen as wallpaper: Albert Einstein making a face.

Raphael made the deduction that, since Don hadn’t known it was him behind the door and yet still closed the window, neither Mikey nor Leo could know about it either. Who was this Cabanera?

Raph was relieved, however. Leo might be disgusted to know that a kind of serial killer had been his genetic donor.

Seeing Donnie's suspicious look, he snorted, shrugging his shoulders with a false nonchalance. He asked if he needed another prescription, the month being completed and having only one last medication left.  
  
Donatello shook his head.  
  
"You don’t need it, Raph, your prescription was valid for two months..."  
  
He listened vaguely to Donnie congratulating him on his reliability, while looking for a way to get the genius’ to fetch the prescription book.  
  
"You know, maybe you could add a sleeping pill? I sleep badly,” Raphael explained.  
  
Donnie raised his eyebrows.  
  
"Amazing. You should sleep easily with all your medications. And that’s without counting all the exercise that you do with Leonardo, in the evening. Maybe just the return to work and a active life will suffice. You take enough pills”, he stated.  
  
Raphael tried to remain calm, although the annoyance caused the vein to beat at his temple.  
  
"Listen, Donnie, if I tell you that I sleep badly, I sleep badly. I'm not asking you for morphine. Just something to help me to sleep better!”  
  
The ambivalence could be read on the intelligent face of his younger brother. He forced the features of his face to look relaxed under the scrupulous scrutiny.  
  
"Okay, Raph," the scientist yielded. "I’ll give you that."  
  
Donnie opened a drawer and scribbled something on it and handed it to the sergeant, who hastened to take it gratefully, although he had no intention of using the medicine.  
  
"By the way, Donnie, I wanted to do a search on your computer. Is that possible? "  
  
The genius seemed tortured as he hurried to the computer, asking Raph about his research. Raph bit his lips to keep from smiling in victory. Don, in his eagerness, had only minimized the window. He did not want Raphael to come across the ‘Manuel Cabanera’ file.  
  
Impulsively, remembering the picture he had seen earlier, he came up with an idea.  
  
"I intend to get a tattoo,” he told his brother, speaking loudly to cover the sound of him removing a few pages from Donnie’s prescription pad. “I would like you to find me a design to show to the tattoo artist.”  
  
"What kind of tattoo?” Donnie asked, frowning.  
  
"Something for Leo. You know how romantic he is," Raph explained with more and more real enthusiasm. In addition to being a great motive for research, it was kind of perfect proof of his love. It wouldn’t ‘exhaust’ his lover. Leo could only be touched by the gesture.  
  
"I doubt that our brother, who wants the greatest discretion, would like you to get his name tattooed on you,” Don countered logically.  
  
"Nah, I'm not stupid, it won’t be his name," Raph protested. "I had thought of ‘Fearless’. Nobody will know it's for him, except us. It's an adjective that can be applied to myself, so I’m good," he insisted.  
  
"Okay," Donnie admitted, a little recalcitrant anyway. "Where will you get it?".  
  
"At the base of the neck. Here," said Raphael, not caring about Donatello's pallor at his gesture.

It was not provocation on his part. He did not want a discreet tribute. Despite his uniform, Leo would still be able to see the tattoo and remember how much he meant to Raphael.

After a quarter of an hour looking at the tattoos and having printed his design, while taking a sheet per minute from the pad. As soon as the genius was back, Raph left, thanking his brother.

Donnie, preoccupied even after his departure, did not notice that his prescription book had been reduced by a dozen pages.


	16. The karaoke

Returning to work had pros and cons for Raphael. 

He had missed being active, of course. He was a man of action. Besides, without a full income, he absolutely could not realize his dreams with Leonardo, for them to have their own apartment. Yes, they still could rent a simple one-room apartment, in a borough, even with only Leo’s income, but the one that they currently lived in was luxurious in comparison to what they could afford. Raph needed a full salary, and if the occasion arose, he’d get Leo a promotion, with the unexpected death of the captain.

To be honest, he would have preferred Leo did not work at all, staying at home reading, relaxing and doing kata. A new tenant had just rented Tanya’s old apartment. Their share of rent, plus Raph’s full salary, could perhaps allow them to live decently. After all, neither he nor Leo were capricious. But he knows Leo won’t be happy to stay home. He was too, a man of action, in his own way. Yes, he wouldn’t ask that of Leo.

Raph was sick of staying home, and going to work, getting some fresh air, would do him good.

But, on the other hand, being at work, he could not watch his brother so closely four days a week.

Folded in his pocket, there was one of ‘Don’s’ prescriptions, stating that Raphael had to make a progressive return to work. He would, therefore, work on Monday and Tuesday at the headquarters of the anti-bomb team, and Thursday, Friday at the barracks with the elite anti-terrorist squadron. Of course, on Wednesdays, he would not work, which Leo was ignorant to for the moment.

He did not really understand why his brother seemed to want to put some distance between them, and Raph had to at least pretend to respect that choice.

In fact, he was afraid to know the reason for Leonardo's sudden need for a ‘secret garden’, but he could not let it happen. He would not let anyone steal his lover. If he wanted to supplant his rival, he had to confront Leo by catching him in an act of infidelity and cornering him, or else by getting to know her. And by knowing Karai, Raph meant her schedule, her address, and her car model. Then, he could get rid of his problem as he got rid of Mikey's problems. 

Leo had implied Karai had made enemies with her work as a double agent. It was the perfect cover for him. She could be shot down by anyone. Leo himself would be fooled.

Raph could not sleep, lying beside his beautiful sleeping lover again. In fact, he had not lied much to Donnie; Raphael often had troubled sleep, and horrible nightmares kept him awake, though he did not remember them when he woke up. He blamed Leo and the incessant stress he made him live with. Yes, his brother was driving him crazy, with his reservations.   
  
He glanced impatiently at the clock. He was horny as hell, it was barely 5:00 am, and he did not dare to wake his companion immediately. He had only ten minutes left to wait, after all. 

Leo had started jogging early, saying it was a good way to get rid of the pressure while keeping fit, other than by kata. But Leonardo, despite his excellent physical form, obviously seemed exhausted and stressed. Maybe the anti-terrorist office was too stressful for his brother. If Leo were transferred elsewhere, to another office, that would be perfect. He would no longer be under the orders of the Japanese woman and Raph might not even need to eliminate her anymore.Out of sight, out of mind.

The alarm sounded, drawing him from his thoughts. He stared intently at the other male next to him, intending to be the first thing Leo would see when he woke up.   
  
"Good morning,babe. Did you sleep well?” he asked eagerly.   
  
The lieutenant did not answer immediately and stretched, unconsciously putting his body in full view. Raphael, having been awake for more than two hours, having sexual fantasies, judged himself to have been patient enough.   
  
He rushed at his lover when he saw him moving to get up, abruptly pinning Leo in bed.   
  
"Raph, what are you doing?” the other questioned, outraged.   
  
"Lovemaking," Raph replied carelessly between a kiss and a bite, with the restraint of a sailor in Singapore.   
  
With impatience, Leo broke free.   
  
"Raph, be serious. Not in a weekday morning, before work," protested the former leader.   
  
The wait had exacerbated Raphael's desire, and it was approaching boiling point. Being denied sex after being so patient made him lose the most basic degree caution.   
  
"Stop treating me like a dog," he spat. "You're mine. You don’t have the right to say no to me.” 

His body trembled with hardly contained anger, after all this time pretending to be conciliatory. After all, he was not asking for the moon. Leo had only to lie down and spread his legs, goddammit!

Leonardo frowned and his eyes took on the hue they always did during his greatest anger, but it happened too fast for Raph to have time to do anything. With a thrust as violent as Raph’s earlier, he pushed his brother down onto the bed.   
  
"You're not my master, Raphael. You say I treat you like a dog? I'm tired of being treated like a slave in a harem. I decide when I want sex or not. If I refuse, you can’t do anything about it. Or you can try to force me and that would be called rape!” Leonardo's voice vibrated with cold rage, like an icy shower on Raph, but he refused to bend.   
  
He growled, but remained motionless on the floor, in front of an indifferent Leo, who was dressing.   
  
"It's unfair... you had all the fun yesterday," protested the man on the floor.   
  
While putting on his sports trousers, Leo explained to him with a cold expression, that in a healthy relationship, it was not known who of the two partners had had the most pleasure each time, but maybe this was a hint that their relationship was not.   
  
"I’m going jogging. If you know what is good for you, you won’t follow me," he added before slamming the door of their room, without a glance back at him.   
  
Raphael only came out of his trance when he heard the front door on the ground floor slam as well, finally releasing his rage. How dare Leonardo treat him like this?And what the fuck was with the insinuation that their relationship was not healthy? It would be, if Leo was actually  _ trying! _ __   
  
Furious and hurt, having vented on all the objects within his reach, he thought that a change of tactics might be opportune at this point. He had been present and attentive. He was now going to be desired. He knew that beneath his air of asceticism, Leonardo burned with a passion too, and that he too could very well be jealous. Leo was wrong to take his love for granted.   
  
Raph knew exactly what to do. 

Should he not go back to get the placebo in order to continue his trickery? Paying Fabio a visit would not hurt him. If Leo did not want his caresses, the other man would probably be glad to take Leo’s place. Although it was still very early, he impulsively, followed his anger, his frustration, and his pain, and wrote a text message to his friend, the most transparent allusion to the world about his intentions.

Still bubbling with rage, he dressed to leave, even before Leo's return.

It was only several hours later that he began to doubt the wisdom of his decision, when he received Fabio’s enthusiastic answer. This plan to make Leo jealous was surely shit.

Ambivalent, no longer feeling so much frustration, Raph had not responded to the other man.

  
But after his day at work, his hesitation had metamorphosed into disdain. Being active had done him good, not to mention that his fake medical note had passed smoothly. He was once again in a good mood and he did not want to have brutal sex with a quasi-stranger anymore, but rather desired to see his lover writhing with pleasure again from the prostate stimulator, pulling orgasm after orgasm, until Leo begged him to stop. All day he had thought of his brother, still finding reasons for him to have acted as he did. He loved Leonardo too much, he longed for him.   
  
Out of pride, he had held out from writing to him, a good part of the day. But, at the end of his work day he could not help it, brimming with the need to communicate with his partner.   
  
_ "Yo, Fearless, dinner and a pool game tonight?"  _ he text him. _   
_   
He stared anxiously at his phone, knowing full well that if Leo, still angry, did not answer in the next minute, he would lose his mind and make a stupid mistake. Fortunately, his brother had to feel it all the way in Manhattan, because he answered almost immediately.   
  
_ "Not tonight, sorry. A colleague from Tokyo has just arrived. We have an impromptu business dinner. I don’t know what time I'm going home, probably very late. Tomorrow? Not working Wednesday, I could go out later." _ _   
_ __   
Raph's rage totally obscured Leo's proposal to simply put the night off. It was only 24 hours, but to Raph’s whole being, that was unacceptable.   
  
A tiny part of him, which was shrinking more and more every day, like a few shades of skin, told him he was not being reasonable, but he could not help it. His anger was more and more like a stubborn and savage stallion, who could not stand being restrained in any way.   
  
He did not know where Leo was going to have his lunch, but he would not hesitate to spoil him, to make him want to start again. 

He finally texted Fabio.

\----

Indeed this plan had been shit. He should have foreseen it, but he had been driven too much by his emotions, he must have hit the wall hard to realize it.

He crumpled the paper in his hand again, remembering his mistakes accurately. Then, dissatisfied, he frantically began to shred it, as his mind ran back over everything that had happened once more.   
  
To pass the time, he had gone to the tattoo parlor. Knowing he had more than an hour in front of him, he had opted to be tattooed by two artists at once, in order to go faster and distract himself from his thoughts with tenfold physical pain.   
  
He had refused the bandages once they were done, wanting to immediately exhibit the work, even though it was bloody, and had carefully posted himself close to the exit of the headquarters of the anti-terrorist office, to wait for Leo, without being seen. 

Following his lover had become a daily necessity, fueled by the constant need to know where his brother was and what he was doing. He was questioning his own actions less and less, believing that the ends justified the means. For Leo and him to be happy, he had to watch him, period.

He wanted to make sure he could trust him and for that, he had to be certain Leo had not lied by rejecting his invitation on the pretext of a business dinner. 

Biting his lips with impotent rage, Raphael had watched as Leonardo left with the Japanese woman and other people. Leo had let Karai go past him, lightly touching her back. It had taken all of Raph’s power over himself not to tumble in there and cause carnage.

He had followed them to a Central Park Restaurant, The Green Tavern, and once his brother was there, he had gone to Fabio. He had collected the fake medicines, along with the special package he had asked for, and let Fabio give him a blowjob, taking several photos on his phone.   
  
He did not send them right away, wanting to see Leo's face when he received them, wanting to see him suffer, seeing his lover sucked by another and to imagining the intense sex he would surely believe they would have had.   
  
But there had been no intense sex, in fact, he had not even waited for an orgasm, preparing to leave after having had a sufficient number of photos. Of course, the idiot, Fabio, had wanted to stop him.   
  
"He doesn’t deserve you, Raph. You would be much more satisfied with me. I'll carry the device with pride and you could do whatever you want,” Fabio had promised. “Anyway, if he reacts to those photos, he won’t want you anymore. And if he doesn’t react, it means it was already over."   
  
He had put his hand on his arm, trying to stop him. Raph had not liked his words and carried by the adrenaline, had got rid of the obstacle. 

It had taken time, but he was getting used to it.

Afterward, he had driven like crazy, hoping his brother did not finish his meal during his absence. 

When he had arrived at the restaurant, he had been relieved to see his lover was still eating dessert. And through the windows he had been able to observe Leo; he had sent the first picture.

Leonardo had not taken his cellphone out of his pocket and it was only on the sixth picture that he had casually taken it out of his pocket. Biting his lips with excitement, Raphael had prepared to analyze his brother’s face, looking forward to see him change color and perhaps get up hurriedly to call him, to beg him to stop and promise him everything he wanted.

But nothing.   
  
Leo had glanced indifferently at the photos, and his face had remained smooth as a lake on a summer's day.   
  
And he had continued his discussion with what seemed to be the colleague from Tokyo.   
  
Raph, consumed by disappointment and rage, had remained in the shadows, watching him all the way through the rest of the meal.   
  
Then Leo and his colleagues were gone and Raph had realized with frustration that Leo was not going home.   
  
He had followed them to a karaoke bar, which unfortunately did not have enough windows to allow Raph his voyeurism. After a moment of debating with himself, he had also entered the bar, hoping he would pass unnoticed, thanks to the prevailing obscurity and the crowd.   
  
Sitting in a secluded spot, where he could watch his brother at his leisure, he had lost sight of him for a moment, only to see him appear next to him.   
  
"Raph," Leo had sighed wearily. "Go home "   
  
Seeing in his eyes that he was taken aback to have been discovered, Leo had smiled sadly.   
  
"Your tracer is connected to my cell phone. I knew you were there.”   
  
Raphael had cursed. He had forgotten the gadget in his pocket. Hurt, he had taken it and impulsively thrown it into the beer which he had just ordered.   
  
It had been Leo's turn to be surprised, his eyes going back and forth from the scar, which he had never questioned the origin of, to the chip floating in the glass.   
  
"You... you removed it? But why?" Leo had questioned, eyes bulging, astonished, and realizing that he had been fooled, but still unsure to what extent.   
  
"I'm sick of being a tracked like a fancy poodle," said Raph, angry that his brother's only concern was this. How could Leo not be more worried about how lonely and afraid he felt?   
  
Leonardo had fixed Raphael with his gaze again; his eyes had rested on Raph’s neck, deciphering, despite the darkness and the blood, the inked word. Raph had straightened up, proud of his tattoo, hoping Leo would be overthrown by this evidence of worship, to have his name inked on his lover’s skin.   
  
But the former leader had sighed and his expression had darkened. 

Raph had guessed than Leo was trying to figure out what Raph could have done and hidden, besides having the chip removed from his arm and getting a tattoo. It could end pretty badly if Leo figured out he had fooled him with the meds. And what about the pictures he had seen? Would Leo question him about it now? Raph had been silly to be so impetuous when he was not ready to bear Leo’s potentially heavy payback.

Nervous, Raphael stared intently at his boyfriend's face, trying to figure out what Leo was going to say or do, to counter-attack or brace himself, when a hand rested on his lover's shoulder.   
  
"Leonardo-San? Is everything fine?"   
  
Raph, outraged at this interruption, raised his head to see the alleged colleague from Tokyo. His mouth made a grimace of hatred, but Leo put his hand on him.   
  
"Usagi-San, I present to you, my brother, Raphael".   
  
Seeing Leonardo's threatening look, Raph pulled out a few words as greeting. But, despite his anger, he had noticed the Japanese policeman did not seem to bothered to greet him, too busy with Leo.   
  
"Leonardo-San, please, come and sing. Karai-San told me you have the greatest voice."   
  
Leo had said he was coming in a moment, all honeyed smiles and the other man had gone. Raph, no longer able to hold back all the bad emotions that had bubbled in him for what had seemed to him an eternity, had attacked.   
  
"Oh no, Fearless! You're not going to sing for this dick. You don’t have to indulge him by singing for him. You're mine."   
  
Leo had replied that the song would be for him, and Raph, uncertainty, had let him go. In their lair, they sang a lot, and according to him, Leo had the most beautiful voice. Just hearing his brother sing soothed him to an incredible degree. It had been a long time since he had had the pleasure. Shuddering again with joy, he had sat down closer, to enjoy the show.

Leo had been about to sing only for him, and staring at his brother on the stage, Raph had felt again like the center of the world.

But, at the first note, he had gritted his teeth, recognizing the song.   
  
_ "You don’t own me _ _   
_ _ I'm just one of your many toys _ _   
_ _ You don’t own me _ _   
_ _ Don’t say I can’t go with other boys.” _ __   
  
Raph had not stayed to listen to the provocative song until the end.

He had gone home, as Leo had asked. He had waited for him in a dark corner of the living room, his heart pounding and as soon as his brother had returned, he had knocked him out and assaulted him.

Leo would never again dare to sing to another man. Raph would never feel so anxious to lose him.

Beating up Leo had not been what he wanted. Raph had only wanted to stop his suffering. Raphael disliked to be so worried and so jealous, all the time. It was not him. All this stress and Leo’s indifference about it all, was killing him. It had to end, before he went crazier. His jealousy made him ache to the bone. When Leo woke-up and calmed down, Raph was going to explain to him that bending to Raphael’s wishes was a necessary step to their happiness.

Leo had awoken in their bed, tied up and his cock trapped in the chastity device. He had screamed and cursed Raphael, who had tried to reason with him, not to cry for Donatello's help, explaining that if Leo was locked up, he would be much less nervous and that everything would be better for them. 

Raph had sworn to Leo that he would stop following him and being jealous, but Leo had not listened to any of it.

Then, Raph had wanted to make love to him, very tenderly. Often, they settled their issues with sex in the past, so it was the first idea that popped in his mind to calm his boyfriend down, but Leo had become so mad with rage, arching his body in every direction, that Raph could not.

Then, Leo had shouted to him his hatred, his disgust, and there ...

Raph had been unable to remember the rest. He had awoken in his cell and had three papers in his hands as he exited, pushing him outside by some unknown guards probably working for Donatello.

He had not known where he was or how much time had passed. He had watched the fine snowfall for a moment, enjoying the fresh air, and then checking the time on his cell phone that had just been handed to him with the envelopes containing his belongings and the letters.

Stunned, he had realized that ten days had passed since his last memory.

What had happened? He had read the messages, hoping to find answers and especially news from Leo. He had touched the tattoo, which seemed healed now, following what imagined was the letters forming the nickname of his lover with a finger. He missed Leonardo terribly. Without him, he felt lonely and lost. Did the letters he had been given contain a message of forgiveness from him?

But Raphael knew his heart must have died then, as he had read them. After this blow, this break, the organ could not function properly.   
  
There had been no message of forgiveness. On the contrary.   
  
The first letter was in a brown envelope. It was a very long message from Donnie, explaining that Leo and Raph were obstacles to the happiness of the other, and that the only way for them to be happy and at peace was a complete and definitive separation. 

They had all moved and changed their cell phone numbers. He had lost his job because of mental instability and fraud, his medical plagiarism having been discovered.

Donnie had made a $265,000 deposit in his bank account from the sale of the triplex and had arranged with Leo to provide him $1,500 a month. If he wished, he could become a firefighter and he would attach a letter of recommendation. But for the rest, Donatello explained, he was alone. He had noticed the masquerade of the tablets and added a new prescription, in case Raphael wanted to be reasonable.   
  
He turned his head, identifying the buildings around him in order to know where he was. Somewhere, in the most populated megacity in the world, his brother was burrowing. How to find him?   
  
The letter from Leo, was brief. He read it for the hundredth time, trying to find a clue or a hidden meaning and above all a hope.   
  
_ "Raphael. Forget me. My only passion now will be to take care of the innocent lives of New Yorkers and protect them from criminals. You still have good in you. Do the same." _ __   
  
The last slip, which was now only confetti on the sidewalk, was a restraining order with Leonardo Johnson, under penalty of imprisonment. 

He had dared, Raph gritted. Leo wanted to play dirty, then Raph would dare even more, he promised himself. He was going to get Leo out of his den and he would make Leo sing for him


	17. Animal

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Song: Maroon 5's Animal

Leo woke up, confused for a few moments, not recognizing the narrow torso he was sleeping on. Then, the realization came to him. He had dreamed of Raphael again, though he had not seen him for ten weeks, and the arms that were hugging him were those of Usagi, his new and much more acceptable boyfriend.   
  
Cautiously, he pulled himself out of bed to have a drink of water in the kitchen. He could not remember exactly what his dream was, he could only recall some scattered images of a muscular, emerald green body, like when Raphael had still been mentally healthy and both of them happy. All he had left of this dream was a headache and a hard-on, which he lost on the way to the kitchen sink.   
  
He took two tablets of acetaminophen and sipped his glass of water. The dream was nothing new. Every night, he alternated in his sleep between nightmares where Raph dismembered him and erotic fantasies.   
  
He could not help it and it had nothing to do with the fact that he was not happy with Usagi. His new boyfriend loved him, and indeed Leo could not complain that his lover was not gentle and attentive. But this love was so different from Raphael’s burning passion, the only one he had known, and he was having trouble acclimatizing to normalcy.   
  
Even in the daytime, he struggled to keep his thoughts away from Raphael, constantly wondering if he was well, where he was, and if he had found happiness with another partner like Leo had.   
  
Melancholically, he watched the snow fall, wondering if his brother was somewhere in the city, thinking of the same thing as him, at the same time. 

Christmas was gone and New Year's Day, and his heart had bled when he thought of Raph, alone in the city, without a friend or family to celebrate with. Despite the presence of his new boyfriend, it had been the saddest holiday season he had ever known. And today was Valentine’s Day.

This obsession with his brother was understandable. They had always been so close... and then... he did not even know if he was alive or dead. 

Donnie told him that Raph's bank account, which he could follow because their brother had not changed his password, was in motion. The money he deposited was used and so Raph had to be alive. But this assertion was not enough for Leonardo's older-brother and ex-lover heart.

Donnie said he did not understand that. 

After the scene where Raph had absolutely lost his mind, while Mikey and himself had barely been enough to pull Raphael from Leo's body, which he seemed to want to skin, he did not understand how his elder was not relieved to know his ex-boyfriend away from him.

No, Don could not understand. What was between him and Raph... that could not be explained in Donatello's textbooks.   
  
He sighed when a hand resting on his shoulder made him jump, followed by a light kiss to his temple.   
  
"Leo-Chan, still a headache?” Usagi wondered in a thoughtful voice.   
  
Everything about Usagi was that way, considered and tender. Leo should have satisfied. Usagi was healthy for him.   
  
His relationship with Usagi was recent. He had moved with him on January 1st, six weeks ago. December had been a trying month and Leo had wanted to put bad memories behind him.   
  
There was the highly traumatic episode with Raphael, where he had really believed his last hour had come. It was not so much the thought of death that had scared Leonardo, but the idea that it would have been at the hands of his beloved brother, too much out of himself to realize what he was doing.   
  
He had been hospitalized for nervous shock, after Don had cut off the chastity device.   
  
Raph was carefully and well watched where he was, Donnie assured him when Leo came out from the hospital. And he convinced him of the need to change his apartment, work, and routine.   
  
He had wanted to remain a policeman, changing only his office. He was now working for the detectives, thanks to Donatello, as a chief assistant. It was almost frightening to see how influential Donatello was, able to place his brothers where he wanted them, like the pieces on a chessboard. So now, he was in charge of the Homicide Squad. It was not a pleasant job to face horrible murders every day, but Leo was feeling useful. Besides, being so busy was keeping his mind away from Raphael from time to time.    
  
Shortly after his nomination, just before Christmas, Karai had been killed. Although his relationship with the captain was essentially friendly, he had been devastated by her assassination. He had put the entire office on this case and had himself been to the morgue to examine her body. 

The head had been removed with a katana, no doubt. He knew this weapon well enough to be sure of it. He could not understand how a formidable opponent like Karai had been caught. No doubt a whole gang of yakuza had managed to corner her.

To his horror, he’d had to publically explain about the case, hiding a particular element of the crime, to confuse any potential madmen, eager for attention, who might come to confess the crime. But all their efforts had been in vain. Nobody had claimed the brutal murder and no clue had transpired, to his immense frustration.   
  
At that time he had grown closer to Usagi, who was a cousin of Karai’s Though more accurately it was the other way around. In the parking lot, during the office Christmas party, the Japanese policeman had quietly put his lips to his and asked him to stop being sad or to share his grief with him tonight.   
  
Leo had not known why, but alone and feeling lost, he had obeyed. 

The sex with him had been different, in a confusing way, like all the rest of Usagi’s quiet personality.

Things between them had progressed and Leonardo was at first surprised by his calm love. But then he admitted Usagi's reassuring presence was doing him good and, with Donnie's blessing, had moved in with him two weeks later. Some might have said that he was a fool to move in with such a stranger, but Leo clearly saw the serene soul in his boyfriend's onyx eyes.

Usagi did not have a ‘dark side’ to fear and Leo and he, were adults, knowing what they wanted.

So he lived with him, in a small one-room apartment in ChinaTown, above an apothecary's office. It overlooked a noisy alley, and cost far below the comfort that Leo and Usagi’s combined salaries could have afforded, but Leo preferred this type of anonymity. He had even sold his car, finding it unnecessarily showy, and had acquired a banal black Mazda, not even brand-new.   
  
"Cho-San, you do not answer?” Usagi gently turned his lover's head toward him. Seeing the enigmatic blue eyes of his boyfriend, the Japanese sighed.   
  
"Still thinking of him, Leo? I was understanding and patient, but you must understand that you are with me now. He will not hurt you anymore," Usagi assured him, taking the beautiful face in his hands. "I will not allow it," he said, gently kissing Leo's nose.   
  
Usagi did not know the whole story, but he knew enough not to push further. He knew how his lover could shut himself off and he did not want that. Convincing Leo to become his lover had already been difficult. The lieutenant surrounded himself with walls. With gentleness, he had managed to put down almost all of them.   
  
"Come back to bed with me. It's still early," he begged affectionately.   
  
Leo nodded silently. Thinking of the past would not do anything good for his future and he followed Usagi to their bedroom. The soothing hands of his lover on his body did wonders against his anxiety.

\---

Two hours later, as he was preparing to go to work, having just had a breakfast composed of a bite of a smoked salmon bagel, he received a text message.   
  
Intrigued, he read it and rising hastily from his seat as he did so. On the other side of the table, Usagi looked at him, his inquisitive eye above the newspaper.   
  
"I need to go to work, now. A murder has just been discovered and ... it has a connection with Karai’s," Leo told him.   
  
Usagi eyes widened in surprise.   
  
"Really? What do you mean?"

Leonardo bit his lips, hastily putting on his uniform.

"I never mentioned, Usagi, I was forbidden from doing so, but there was a signature on Karai's body. And a similar case just has been reported," Leo confessed.   
  
With interest, Usagi approached Leo and calmly ordered him to continue.   
  
"Besides her corpse... there was a cd. A music one,” Leo specified. "And last night, a second one with another CD was discovered. I was forbidden to talk about it so that the press could not seize the case. It’s a hint to be able to find the real murderer."   
  
"I do not understand. Why a music CD? Was there only music? No pictures? Videos? Records?” Usagi asked eagerly.   
  
"No," Leo admitted. "Nothing but a song,"   
  
"Which one?. The song is maybe the clue.”

Usagi loved his cousin. They had spent their childhood together and Leo could understand that Usagi, as relative and policeman, wanted to know the truth...

"I recorded it on my phone. I listen to it sometimes to find a hidden meaning."   
  
Leo pressed play and Usagi came closer to listen.   
  
_ "Baby I'm preying on you tonight _ _   
_ _ Hunt you down eat you alive _ _   
_ _ Just like animals _ _   
_ _ Animals _ _   
_ _ Like animals-mals _ _   
_ _   
_ _ Maybe you think that you can hide _ _   
_ _ I can smell your scent for miles _ _   
_ _ Just like animals _ _   
_ _ Animals _ _   
_ _ Like animals-mals _ _   
_ _ Baby I'm _ _   
_ _   
_ _ So what are you trying to do to me? _ _   
_ _ It's like we can not stop _ _   
_ _ But we get along when I'm inside you, eh _ _   
_ _ You're like a drug that's killing me _ _   
_ _ I cut you out entirely _ _   
_ _ But I get so high when I'm inside you _ _   
_ _   
_ _ Yeah you can start running _ _   
_ _ You can find other fish in the sea _ _   
_ _ You can pretend it's meant to be _ _   
_ _ But you can not stay away from me _ _   
_ _ I can still hear you making that sound _ _   
_ _ Taking me down rolling on the ground _ _   
_ _ You can pretend that it was me _ _   
_ _ No goal, oh " _ __   
  
Leo’s heart ached as much for the loss of his friend as with the memory of Karai's mutilated body. They had never found her head, despite their search, even in the river. Leo grew gloomy thinking about it. But it was Usagi’s broken expression that made him press stop.   
  
"And what did they say about that, at your Bureau?" Usagi asked abruptly.   
  
"That Karai had a jealous lover." Leo sighed.   
  
Usagi shook his head.   
  
"I do not believe this theory. My cousin did not see anyone. Clandestine love was not her type. And she was very picky. She had no designs on anyone except you."   
  
"Is that why you're with me? You want to follow in your cousin's footsteps, " Leo questioned in a breath.   
  
"Idiot," said the Japanese man, stroking his hair. "You know that’s not true. Now go. We must find Karai's killer and keep him from causing any further harm. I love you. Be careful "   
  
Usagi kissed his lover's forehead and let him go.

\---

When Leonardo arrived at the crime scene, the body was still in the same position as when it was had first been found. The fact that the stage was in the elegant Bryant Park, near the gracious pastry kiosk, made the scene even more atrocious.

The owner of the stall had arrived at dawn to sell his waffles and croissants to early-morning workers, had discovered the victim, slumped on a chair. At first glance, the poor owner was not sure what he was seeing and guessed that it was some dummy. To see a body, in everyday clothes, sitting on a deck chair without a head, must have been a confusing vision, Leo could agree.

Again, as with Karai, the clear decapitation could only have been done with the sharp and skillful blade of a katana.

When the Chief-Assistant of the Detective Bureau arrived, the victim’s head had just been found in the fountain of the park. The victim, a man in his twenties, was Asian, like Karai, but what disturbed Leonardo the most was the cd placed on the small table where the dead person was sat.

The murderer had scribbled one word on the disk in red Sharpie,  _ ‘Listen’.  _ Like the one left next to Karai.


	18. Wake-up call

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Picture by the incredible PJOART  
> Songs:  
> Sweet Serial Killer by Lana del Rey  
> Wake-up call by Maroon 5  
> Crush by Garbage

 

* * *

 

 Leo took his forehead in his hand, his migraine threatening to get worse as he listened to the song on the cd, which had been left near the dead body they found the day before. The whole unit was already there and after seeing the body at the morgue, which had also beheaded with a katana blade and listening to the song, he had to admit the crime was indeed connected to Karai’s and the other one in Bryant Park.

He listened to it a second time, though he thought the song was meaningless.

  
_‘Baby, I'm a sociopath,_  
_Sweet serial killer._  
_On the warpath,_  
_'Cause I love you_  
_Just a little too much._  
_I love you just_  
_A little too much’_  
  
It was the third victim, the second in two days, and Leo did not know what to do with this lyrics. He had also listened to the song from the day before, ‘Jealous guy’ by John Lennon, from the cd left on the table of the kiosque. It was the same kind of nonsense about love and jealousy.

From this, Leo understood that the killer enjoyed the music, and had probably had a hard time in his love life, but beyond that, he admitted to being lost.

The same guy could not be Karai’s lover, and then both of these two other victims’, both males, in such a short time. Maybe the two were former lovers of Karai’s, and the madman had killed them in jealousy. But when Leo had suggested the idea to Usagi, his boyfriend had refused this theory.

“I told you, Karai was not this kind of woman,” he had said.

Leo had to admit that, from what he knew of Karai, Usagi was probably right. Karai was too serious and from all he knew, he was the last one to have sex with her. So he, himself would have been a better victim, if that was the motive. Besides, the third victim had been barely 20.

Everyone was as confused as Leo at the station. The modus operandi of mixing katanas with music was something they never encountered before. It was a kind of signature, like the ones from famous serial killers, and this was a frightening thought. This lunatic must be stopped before he committed another murder.

He had looked very closely at the wounds of the two last victims. As a specialist of blade, Leo could tell it was from a genuine, high-quality katana. They had called some shops about the recent sale of swords, but it had led to nothing at all. This psychopath could have stolen them from someone else, or even had it for years, from another country. They had nothing to work on except these damn cds.

He cursed mentally.

Leo sighed. He was going to need the help of someone else, who didn’t think like a policeman. He needed a stubborn person, who knew how to gain information in a sneakier way, and had some psychological knowledge. He knew the good person for it, with her degree in journalism and psychology, and the fact that she had known Leo for what he was really, she was his best option.

Leo needed April O Neil for this case.

He called her to give her an appointment at his office.

\----

The young woman listened attentively, sitting in front of his desk.  
  
"So, this is the third murder where a victim was beheaded, and his killer leaves a song on a cd, next of the corpse?” April asked pensively.  
  
Leo nodded.  
  
"And what’s the link between the victims? I mean, except how their body was left? "  
  
"They were Asian, but that notwithstanding, nothing tied them together. We checked the history of the last two. No criminal records, just ordinary guys, who don’t even know each other. Do you think it could be a racial crime, April?" Leo asked.

Racism was disgusting him, like homophobia, but he would be relieved to at least put a label on these crimes. He hated being in the dark.

The journalist shook her head.  
  
"I don’t think so... but I think the killer wants to communicate with the police. I think it might be time for a press conference, Leo. This criminal obviously has love problems and wants to express them."  
  
Leonardo took his head in his hands and then decided to take pills in his drawer.  
  
"I hate those public conferences..." he mumbled, tipping a couple of pills into his hand and swallowing them dry, used to it now.  
  
"If you want, I can talk about it myself. I'll interview you, Leo. That way I can lead you," his friend suggested.

"No, my superior will do it,” Leo replied, shaking his head. “You know how Donnie becomes paranoid about seeing me on TV. He still didn’t forgive me after the last time,” Leonardo explained.  
  
April gave him a look of sympathy.  
  
"Don is afraid Raph will find you..." she guessed.  
  
"Yeah," Leo replied, looking away, not wanting to go any deeper with their friend about what had happened between him and their missing brother.

“Don worked hard to protect me. He even wanted me in a witness program and to move to another state. But I want to stay here. I’ve lived in New York all my life, and I don’t see myself living elsewhere. I feel useful, here. This city needs protection. He used all his influence to get me this job, and then, he had to change Mikey’s school and move, and only because of me. I don’t want to give him troubles or worries.”

"Look, Leo, I think you can maybe put all this behind you. It's been nearly three months already, and as far as I know, Raphael has not tried to find you. Maybe... maybe like you, he's moved on and he has a new lover who makes him happy..." April said carefully.

Leo flushed. April seemed to be aware that he was thinking about his incestuous passion with Raphael. He coughed slightly and changed the topic. 

"Has Casey had any news from him?"  
  
"No. You know they have distanced themselves. But if it makes you more comfortable, I can convince my superiors to let me talk about it on the news without interviewing anyone,” April offered. “Maybe the killer will be happy with the coverage and will leave more evidence, if there is a next time. Serial killers have a huge ego and love to know that people are talking about them," she explained.  
  
Leo nodded again. April was right and it makes sense. Maybe the killer would be pleased to hear about his crimes on the news, and in his eagerness for more attention, would make a mistake next time.

After thanking her, Leo accompanied the young woman to the door.

\---

The same evening, sitting in the living room with Usagi, he listened to April's report on the news. She had interviewed an officer, whom Leo had sent in his place. The interview was good and Leo had to admit that both April and the officer were doing their jobs well.  
  
Usagi frowned when he heard April called the killer ‘Love song killer’ and, looking exasperated, turned off the television.  
  
"I do not see how these songs speak of love. And all this hype, how is it useful? I do not think that maniac deserves to have an almost poetic nickname. What do you think, Leo-Chan?"

Leo’s expression darkened.

"Love can take on many faces, Usagi... sometimes some people are not... poetic in their feelings."  
  
A silence stretched on for a few minutes, until the Asian caressed the knuckles of his beloved who, head down, did not react.  
  
It was Usagi's turn to sigh. Sometimes he was tired of the almost neurasthenia of his lover. It has been three months since Raphael was gone. Why Leo was still thinking about this man, almost longing for him, was beyond Usagi’s understanding.  
  
"Are we going to sleep? Some cuddles in the bed might relax you," he suggested, though it was not yet even nine o'clock.

Sex, he had noted, was a good way to change Leonardo's thinking. His boyfriend was a carnal lover, and a good lovemaking put Leo’s mind at ease and helped with his headaches more than any pill.

Usagi was not like Raphael at all, Leonardo thought again, as Usagi’s soft hands slowly roamed his body, taking their time. Raph alternated between either venerating his body as a precious relic, covering every spot with kisses and bites, or immediately jumping to action with greed and eagerness.  
  
Usagi did not do that. He never bit him. In fact, Usagi's caresses were like his person, pleasant and patient.  
  
Why did he still think of Raphael, while he was about to have sex with his new boyfriend? Usagi did not deserve that. Raph had almost killed him twice, more than once and yet, he was yearning for his muscular body and his brutality.  
  
‘His passion,’ corrected a voice in Leo's head, which he silenced. He could not call Raph’s violence passion. Usagi was right. All these stalker songs were not about love, and this lunatic killer could not have an almost romantic nickname. Love had nothing to do with any of this.  
  
Suddenly, while the interminable preliminaries of his lover were just finishing, and Usagi was about to breach him, Leo's cell vibrated.

Startled, he looked at the clock. It was 11:05 pm. Because of his position in the police force, he could not fail to respond, even if his partner had just lubed him. As soon as he saw that the caller was April, he straightened up, even more alarmed, pushing his lover back, though without brutality.

He grabbed the phone and answered, despite Usagi’s protest.

"April? What happen?” he asked in a rushed tone.  
  
"Leo! Oh my god!!!”

The policeman shoved his the phone away from his ear while the journalist's voice was hysterical.

"I came back to the studio. Someone called me... saying he had a message for April O'Neil. I sent police officers to pick him up. There was no one except a note. Have they not called you yet?"

Beginning to feel April's panic, Leo told her that they hadn’t.  
  
"You should get dressed. You will be summoned to the station. I'm sending you the picture I took.”  
  
Leo pushed back the blankets and in front of a stunned Usagi, he walked at full speed to their bathroom, staring at his phone, waiting for the incoming picture.  
  
The picture was sent and Leo saw a paper sheet, stained with blood:  
  
_‘A person has bled for you, baby, as my heart does. Since you don’t understand, I will multiply by four the number of good citizens of New York who will die every night. Tonight, 4; tomorrow, 16; 64 the next day; and 258 the one after that; if you don’t come home, my stubborn baby. I miss you badly, LSK’_  
  
_April O’Neil: Interview someone more interesting!’_  
  
Leo's heart stopped at his words. The ‘LSK’ signature meant the killer had access to a television, seen April's report, and obviously enjoyed the nickname. The threat of so many victims in the coming days made him shudder.

It was impossible for this lunatic to behead a foolish number like 258 victims in one night, but Leo knew from experience that one should not underestimate unbalanced people.

Clearly, the ‘Love Song’s Killer’ had been dumped and taken it badly. This crazy psychopath was killing people to avenge himself from a painful break-up! It was insane!

But Leo knew how jealousy could wreak havoc and nausea of anxiety took hold of him. And it was only when the second vibration of his phone rang that he came out of his paralysis.

As April had predicted, he was summoned urgently to his office.

\-----

The meeting had been tiresome and hellish. Leo has been surprised to see that April was there too. But the killer had communicated with her, and so, they wanted her to be part of whatever the police would plan next.

For hours they had discussed hours the Killer’s threat. While his superior argued that the killer could not increase his number of victims so quickly, they learn that indeed, four people had been killed all over the city, decapitated and a CD left near them, as the killer had said he would.

This time, they were not even Asian and so the racial crime theory didn’t fit anymore. This sudden change in the type of victims, and places of the crimes, appeared to Leo to be suspicious.

The killer had suddenly expanded his field of potential targets and his hunting territory, but why? It was like he was even madder about something than before. If it was so, it was a bad omen. This man was sick and who knew where he would stop.

In the silence of the meeting room, an old cd player was plugged in. Even the use of cds was archaic, noted April. Fewer and fewer people used them and for her it was an important clue about the age, or possibly the financial situation, of the killer. But for Leo, it was not that much a useful hint.  
  
The four new songs were still all songs of love and jealousy and exasperated, Leo’s boss waved his hand, asking him to turn off the device.  
  
"We have to deal with a dangerous psychopath. We need to continue media coverage,” his boss instructed. ” It seems the attention has pleased him. In his delirium of pride, he may make a mistake. He's asking for someone important, so I'll do this interview with Miss O'Neil myself. Meanwhile, I will ask to see all the camera footage from the Bureau of Counterterrorism. They should have something recorded. They have cameras all over the city. "  
  
After many hours on the case, watching the recordings, they noticed that unfortunately none of the crimes had been within range of a camera like the killer was aware of them. Since there was nothing more to do, and given he had been there for more than seventeen hours, without even a lunch break, Leo was allowed to return home.

It was late, already dinner time, and he was expected to be back there at 6:00 am, even if there no more crime this night. And he was to keep his phone close-by either way.

Too exhausted, he did not make his usual maneuvers and detours to fool a possible pursuer. He did not have to worry about Raphael. His brother was more likely to be drinking beer somewhere with colleagues or friends, while far more dangerous sociopaths raged in town.

April was right, Raph had probably moved on, and was with another guy or girl, like Leo had himself.

Despite his high interest in the murder, he took two sleeping pills and an energy bar for dinner, and left a note for Usagi, who had not yet returned, asking him to watch the news for him. He was going to sleep, so he would have had at least a few hours rest if he was called in the middle of the night. He needed to sleep at least five hours to be functional.

Usagi would understand that he was too tired to wait for him. Usagi was not needing Leo’s presence and attention as Raph had.

Too tired even to undress, he kept his uniform on, removing only the jacket. If he was called in the middle of the night, he would be more able to get there more quickly.

Very quickly he fell asleep.

\---

It was his alarm clock that woke him at 5 am. He had, surprisingly, wonderfully, slept well, for almost twelve hours. He still remembered vaguely having erotic dreams about Raphael and his hard and erect cock, seemed to remember them too.

The Raphael of his dreams had seemed so real to him that he almost seemed to still feel the warmth of his body and the caresses of Raph’s lips with his cinnamon-scented breath. Just thinking about it, his cock was twitching painfully, requiring attention, trapped in his pants. They were dampened a little at the crotch, and Leo wondered if it was just precum or if he had ejaculate in his sleep. He knows that it could happen, even if hadn’t in the last five years.

Usagi must have caressed him a little while he was asleep, he thought, looking to his side, not seeing him distinctly, in the pitch black room. Leo had been so tired that Usagi could have done whatever he wanted without waking him.

Usagi was sleeping peacefully and Leo did not want to wake him up, because he remembered his boyfriend had a day-off, the lucky-boy. Leo was supposed to as well, but he wondered if he would ever have a day off again, with the madman running in the streets of New York. He didn’t even have the time to jerk off.

With apprehension, remembering his duty, he looked at his cell phone and it was enough to make his cock soften. Horrified, he saw that his phone was on silent mode and that he had missed calls and text messages.

Leo cursed. How in the world was his damn phone on silent mode? He would be in deep shit.

Fifteen people were dead tonight, but this time all in their beds. The killer, even more daring, was now infiltrating homes, still leaving a cd marked as from ‘LSK’ with the same red sharpie. April had received another message from the killer and had asked him to call her back.

Leo rubbed at his already painful forehead, the gesture becoming almost a tick. The day was going to be tough and tiresome, he could already tell.

He stood up and without waking Usagi, groped out of bed to shower.

Sleeping in his uniform had made him sweaty and his pants were sticky, so washing and changing were mandatory. He undressed, then turned on the hot water with a sigh of ease. The memory of his dream was still alive, but he refused to masturbate while people were crying over their dead family members because he, Leonardo, was too incompetent to find the psychopath.

Caught in his dark thoughts, he did not enjoy the shower, as usual he did, his mind tormented with questions and feeling oppressed for no particular reason.

Why fifteen victims instead of the promised sixteen? Was the killer wrong in his calculations, too carried away by his carnage? Or had a victim not been found yet?

Despite the emergency of the situation, he stayed in the shower longer than usual, too thoughtful. 

When he finally came out of the shower, he stopped short in his tracks. His clothes, the dirty ones, which he had folded on top of the laundry basket with the other clothes to wash, were gone. Neat ones were hanging, but with the jacket he remembered leaving in the living room.  

Had he been too preoccupied and dreamed of having laid the dirty ones there, and taken his jacket from his room and so, had not left it in the living room?

Preoccupied, he noticed another change. There was a red rose on his folded blue towel, next to Usagi’s beige one. He smiled and took it to smell. Sometimes Usagi could be surprising and play the romantic guy, and Leo stayed still, taking a moment to daydream.

His day would be hellish, so a minute of happiness was welcome.

Suddenly, he heard a rhythmic music coming from his bedroom. Concerned, he turned off the bathroom fan, which was covering the sound. Then, he realized he did not even remember putting the fan on. There were too many things happening that he didn’t have memory of.

Someone was there.

Quickly, Leo unsheathed the gun he kept hidden in the bathroom. He had started keeping a gun and a tanto hidden in each room, just in case, while his katanas were under his pillow.

He kicked open the door of his bedroom, and then, dread filled him as he had never felt.

The room was still dark, but he did not light the ceiling, the coppery smell telling him what he was going to see. How he had not noticed it before going into the bathroom was odd, but he did not question it.

He pressed the 911 keys on his cell phone, still pointing his weapon at an invisible enemy, his too-shocked brain not comprehending the words of the Love Song Killer song.  
  
_‘Wake up call_  
_Caught you in the morning with another one in my bed_  
_Don’t you care about me anymore?_  
_Don’t you care about me?_  
_I don’t think so_  
_Six foot tall_  
_Came without a warning, so I had to shoot him dead_  
_He won’t come around here anymore_  
_Come around here?_ _  
I don’t think so’_

_\-------_

He had been taken to the station, in shock. He had not seen Usagi's corpse.

He was asked many questions and Leo knew it had nothing to do with suspicion, despite being known to love katanas, that his boyfriend had been killed practically in his presence and that it was notorious in the NYPD that one of his brothers was deeply unstable.

The officer on the crime scene had done their job well and had identified several details distinguished this murder from others committed the same evening, and also exonerated Leo.  
  
First, Usagi has been shot in the head from the outside, by a Sniper rifle from the building across the street. The bullet impact had crossed the window, proving that the person had shot slightly high. If Leo had wanted to kill his boyfriend, would not have to go out of his apartment. And a few drops of blood proved the body had been moved with ease, and not dragged and therefore, the killer had to be stronger than Usagi himself. This was not true in Leo’s case, as he was about the same size as Usagi.  
  
In addition, a blood test revealed Leo had taken sleeping pills the day before. The lab had even asked him how many he had taken, because the amount in his blood was noticeable. Ashamed, Leo could not tell them for sure. He had taken them randomly, and he guessed that maybe he had took two, twice.

Maybe that was how a murder had happened in his apartment, without waking him.

The first officers who had entered his place had noted that the bathroom was still hot from Leo’s shower and that Leo’s hair was wet. So a plumber team had even looked to see if there was any blood evidence in the shower drain, that would suggest Leo had been washing the blood from himself. But they hadn’t found any.

Then they had found that it was indeed true that he was missing a uniform, according to his receipts.

So, everything proved that the policeman's statements were true. Anyway, Leo knew nobody suspected him. His reputation was good, despite Raph’s bad one. But that was not what was bothering Leo right now. He knew he was telling the truth.  
  
Usagi, just like Karai, had been murdered and he had not been able to do anything to defend them.  
  
"What we find particular here is that the crime scene differs slightly from the others. We’re trying to find out what was different about Usagi Miyamoto,  that made the assassin act differently, and we need your help for that, Chef."  
  
The painful eyes of Leonardo rose up towards them. He hated himself. He had not dared to turn on the light of the room, like a child he had not even had the courage to ask for details. Yet was he not supposed to be without fear? It was his job. He had to overcome his own suffering in order to stop this slaughter.  
  
"Explain ... what did you notice as different?" he asked in his most professional tone.  
  
The two detectives looked at each other.”  
  
"He was... uh... castrated,” one confessed. “We found a sliced penis down the street. A dog... was eating it. A blood test has proven that it was the victim’s.”  
  
Nausea gripped Leonardo, at the idea of the hard cock he had felt inside him so many times, was now slowly being digested by a dog. But in a voice he was hoping was firm, he ordered the detectives to continue.  
  
"The killer didn’t behead him... but... damaged his face."  
  
Usagi’s sweet and kind face.  
  
The other detective slipped a picture upside down on the table.

Heart pounding, Leo hesitated. He knew that he was going to haunt his nights for the rest of his life. But, professional, he turned it over.

He could hardly recognize what he saw, seeing only what seemed to him a red balloon.  
  
"The assassin wrapped his head in a plastic bag, which prevented the blood from spilling on the pillow and waking you. In the same way, to prevented the blood from wound between the legs ...the killer put him in an adult diaper.”  
  
At this, the detective in Leo took the place of the mourning boyfriend. This preparation was odd, and not at all like the cold-impulsive murders of before. The officer seems to read Leo’s mind.  
  
“You understand that if it was not for the music, the murder would not even seem to be committed by the same madman. By the way, it's unusual. One of the two CDs was put in this player, which does not belong to you. Usually, the killer only leaves a cd, without bothering with the device. This murder was further refined and the individual was very determined, as evidenced by all this equipment moved: the rifle, the player, the diaper, the bag, the two CDs and the little knife that was used to shred his face. It's not a knife, anyway. Too sloppy."  
  
He handed another picture to Leo, who silently detailed it.  
  
He had already seen nicks like that, at the corners of a mouth, making the victim a devilish smile from Joker. The murder of the famous Black Dahlia was known to all, but the wounds were thicker than if they had been made with the sharp edge of a knife. Maybe a screwdriver?

Hopefully, they had been made postmortem so Usagi had not suffered.

The lips and tongue had also been sliced, and Leo, who had seen the bodies of the previous victims, frowned. Why this butchery? This murder was too different. It was the goriest one since Karai, but this time, more prepared, while the other bodies seemed to be random victims, at the wrong place, at the wrong time.

This murder must have a different purpose. Or being done by another criminal. A very determined criminal.

"An imitator? Leo asked, his voice clipped.  
  
"Possible," admitted one of the policemen. "The news that has been broadcast in the media may have inspired him. There are such sick people in this damn city."  
  
Leo remained pensive. Fortunately, Donnie was coming back from Florida tonight.  
  
"You mentioned the second cd. Did the type of songs have a link? Miss O'Neill talked about love songs on TV, without giving more details."  
  
"The disc found on Mr. Miyamoto's belly was a copy of Tom Jones ‘Delilah’, probably a reference to facial cuts. But this song also tells a story of a crime of passion, when a guy shot his cheating wife," explained one of the police officers, with a shrug.  
  
Leo had the impression that a big chunk of history was escaping him, but if this madman now had fans, he had to stop it absolutely by putting aside his own mourning. Usagi would have wanted it to be that way. After all, the real LSK, if he could call him that, had promised 64 victims for the next night.  
  
As he thought that in the interrogation room, his superior entered.  
  
"Johnson, meeting room, right now! Your friend, the journalist, is here.”  
  
Heart pounding, Leo got up and followed. He had never seen the office in such a frenzy. The reason, though, was quickly illuminated.  
  
A tourist bus had exploded in the city center and the bombing had been claimed by the LSK. Exactly 64 people had been inside the bus.  
  
At this detail, Leo's heart jumped: it was only noon.  
  
On the projector in the meeting room, was the next message from the killer, sent to April O Neil, almost burned his retina. The author of these sinister lines had killed and mutilated his partner.  
  
_‘Baby, it's cold without you. Seeing you stimulated my impatience. If you know someone good at math in your family, have him do the following calculation. In 12 hours, 256 people; in 24 hours, 1024; In five days, no people in Manhattan will not be able to wipe the tears from your beautiful blue eyes that haunt my dreams. Come home. April O'Neil: bad interview. LSK’_  
  
April handed the cd that accompanied the typed lines and funeral-like music invaded the room.  
  
_‘I would die for you_  
_I've been dying to you by my side_  
_To know that you're mine_  
_I will cry for you_  
_I will wash your bread with all my tears_  
_And drown your fear_  
_I will pray for you_  
_I will sell my soul for something pure and true_  
_Someone like you_  
_See your face ever place that I walk in_  
_Hear your voice every day that I'm talking_  
_You will believe in me_  
_And I will never be ignored_  
_I will burn for you_  
_Feel bread for you_  
_I will twist the knife and bleed my aching heart_  
_And tear it apart_  
_I will lie for you_  
_Beg and steal for you_  
_I will crawl on your hands and knees until you see_  
_You're just like me_  
_Violate all the love that I'm missing_  
_Throw away all the bread that I'm living_  
_You will believe in me_  
_And I could never be ignored_  
_I would die for you_  
_I would kill for you_  
_I would steal for you_  
_I'd do time for you_  
_I would wait for you_  
_I'd make room for you_  
_I'd sail ships for you_  
_To be close to you_  
_To be part of you_  
_'Cause I believe in you_  
_I believe in you_  
_I would die for you’_  
  
April watched him for the whole song, and Leo thought the journalist had to be relying on him to solve this mystery before the city was burned to the ground. Now this sociopath had started to play with explosives, the level of danger for citizens of the city had just increased.  
  
Everyone was talking at once, discussing possible clues, playing back all the songs and Leo's headache worsened with this cacophony. Many were still saying that killing 256 people in one night was impossible and that it was only boasting from the killer. Leo was not of that opinion.

Yesterday, he had thought that the killer could not make 64 victims and he has been sorely mistaken. 

The chief of the Bureau knocked his fist on the table.  
  
"We know what the killer wants. He wants his wife to come back. We must find her and use her as bait. We won’t wait for this psychopath to execute his threat! He’s had made nearly a hundred victims in less than two months. He promises to hit twice a day. We can’t afford another 256 victims. The city will be in chaos! The mayor is breathing down my neck to stop this monster!"  
  
A commander, the one interviewed by April on the first day, intervened.  
  
"How to find his wife?” he asked. “We only know the color of their eyes! It's worse than the Cinderella slipper."  
  
The discussions resumed with all the detective officers analyzing every murder and every trace.

Leo, lost in thought, jumped when April appeared beside him:

"Leo, I have to talk to you. In private,” she whispered.  
  
The assistant chief, after making a sign to his superior, followed April out of the meeting room.  
  
“What do you want?” Leo asked impatiently once they reached his office. "A dangerous psychopath is at liberty and threatens to kill 256 people by midnight, so hurry up, April. I don’t have time for chatting," he urged.  
  
The clear eyes of the young woman stared at him seriously.  
  
"Don't you think this dangerous psychopath could be Raphael?"  
  
At that name, all the air left Leo's lungs, as if he had taken a direct hit in the stomach.  
  
He shook his head fiercely:  
  
"No, of course not... What makes you believe such an abomination? Raph is not a murderer!“ Leo protested indignantly. “He just has a short-temper!”  
  
"He tried to kill you, did not he?” April countered logically.  
  
"He gets carried away by violence only when it comes to me, directly. Raph would not hurt innocent people. He is not like that. You don’t know him as I know him," he said sharply.  
  
The journalist laid a sympathetic hand on his shoulder. She knew that this truth might be hard to admit for her friend:  
  
"Leo, it's only that you directly linked to two of the victims. And the killer specified having seen his beloved one recently, hence his impatience and his new haste to commit crimes. The assassin infiltrated your home last night.”

April stopped, letting her words sink in Leo’s mind. But she continued, seeing the policeman unconvinced. 

"Then, from what I understand, the killer is a possessive man and a sharpshooter with knowledge of explosives, who has had a fairly recent break with a blue-eyed person. He is tall and strong! Usagi was six foot tall and probably weighed slightly over two-hundred pound! Only a man as impressive as Raph, could have moved his body so easily!

“He also seems to know where the security cameras are all across the city,” she pointed out. “Wasn’t Raph told about those when he was working in the counterterrorism bureau? Not to mention that the killer seems stealthy like a ninja. Moreover, he knows me and wants me to interview a particular person. What nickname did Raph give you?”

Leo waved his hand to mean it was absurd and he did not want to remember it. It was bad enough that he regretted Raph during his sleep, still longing for his touch, even after what happened between them. He did not want to think about it during the day, when he could force his consciousness away from him.

Yes, Raph, very often called him ‘Baby’ but not more often than ‘Sexy’ and even less than ‘Fearless’. It was not him. A lot of people had blue eyes, like the journalist herself. April was reading too many love novels.

About to lose his nerve, but trying to remain calm, he replied to the journalist.  
  
"Donnie is coming back tonight, April. His intelligence will help me to see this case more clearly. I only hope it won’t be too late. I have a day off, because of what happened to Usagi... I have not seen Mikey for nearly three weeks and I need a rest day to be effective. Anyway, I can’t sleep at home anymore with this killer having intruded into my home. But, for your information, we are not even sure that Usagi’s killer is the same neurotic individual who perpetrated the other murders. The crimes are too different. So, your theory is wrong,” he emphasized. “Call me if there is something new,” he said, before returning to the meeting room.  
  
April shook her head, whispering that she hoped it would not be too late, and left the office.  
  



	19. One way or another

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Song: One way or another, by Blondie

Right outside the building, Leo had hidden in his car to have his nervous breakdown. He cried for several minutes, before he managed to calm down and reason with himself. He did not have time to be weak, people were counting on him. 

Leo could have asked for a full week of bereavement leave, but with the city in turmoil, it was important to have every man at their post.

Reflecting on the clues left, he checked the clock. 

Donnie was not supposed to be at the Miami airport yet. Maybe he should give him that phone call right away, tell him all the information in his possession so that Donnie can use his flight time to think about the case. That way Donatello would probably have a few good ideas before his plane laid at LaGuardia. Feeling hopeful, Leo called his genius brother right away.

He and Donnie argued over the phone. 

Apparently, Don would not come back tonight. Leo had explained to him that a dangerous psychopath was threatening the city and that Usagi had been murdered in their home, but Donatello's resolution would not moved an inch.

"You don’t understand, Donnie! I slept next to his corpse, while his murderer was hidden somewhere in our home," Leo shouted, hysterical.   
  
Don sighed, swore he understood, but explained that having finally found the person for whom he had traveled to Florida to find, he would not leave without seeing him. He had cut off Leo's protests by specifying that it was probably their only chance to heal Raphael.   
  
Leonardo, then, was silent. 

Usagi had mattered to him, the citizens of New York mattered to him, but Raphael just as much. Could he say Raph was more important without being a selfish monster?

Donatello had correctly interpreted his silence and promised to postpone for no more than twenty-four hours.

Leo had hung up, feeling powerless. It was almost 4pm. In six hours 256 people would be killed and in eighteen hours, 1024, if they did not act with sufficient speed. But still Don had found something requiring more his attention.   
  
Leo was trying to tell himself he was not a bad person to favor his brother at the expense of thousands of innocent lives. He silenced his remorse by telling himself that Donnie, although intelligent, was not the policeman he was. 

Donnie's fight was to find a cure for Raphael. His duty was to put the criminal in jail.

He drove, pensively thinking what April had insinuated. 

Yes, if he did not know Raphael, he could admit that there were disturbing similarities. But he knew the soul of his brother. Yes, Raph had a temper, yes, he was possessive, but to the point of blowing up a bus of innocent tourists? No.

If April has been a guy, Leo would have punched her for even suggesting it. 

He finally arrived at Don's, where the scientist and Mikey lived in a beautiful, well-lit loft in the financial district. He knew might have to live with them again. He knew that Donatello, in any case, would prefer this alternative. Despite his good impression of Usagi, he had been reluctant to let him go. 

Don had, since Raphael, the reflexes of a big brother and was immensely protective of the two that remained to him.

He had changed Mikey to a different school as soon as Raph was interned and he was now enrolled in a fine-arts school. Michelangelo was happy there, between his drawing, dance and comedy classes. But fearing that Mikey would turn out bad, having become paranoid since Raphael, Donnie hired a nanny, who ensured the well-being of the youngest in the absence of his big brother. 

Don, indeed, worked a lot, six days a week, and spent his free time in his own home-laboratory, which he had set up.

After the incident, when Raph had lost his mind and Don had to use scissors to deliver Leo from his silicone trap, the genius had begged Leo to stop working at all. He had argued, with good reason, that his income, more than twice Leo’s, would be enough for the three of them to live decently while providing a pension for Raphael. 

But Leo had refused. He had not wanted to sacrifice his independence to Raphael, whom he adored. He was not going to compromise it for Donatello, as generous as he was. It was the reason that he had been eager to move with Usagi, who had been less controlling than Donatello.

But still, he had to return, to ask for a shelter.

He spent the evening with Michelangelo, listening to him talk of the trivial little things that sprinkled his life as a student, while he was eating the Italian nanny’s pasta puttanesca. 

The elder, not wishing to spoil his brother's festive mood, had not told him about Usagi's death, only announcing that he would return to live with them for perhaps a month or two.

"Oh!” the youngest boy exclaimed, looking sympathetic. "I understand. Moving from a guy like Raph to a guy like Usagi must be unsettling.”   
  
Leo had not contradicted him, but had frowned. Mikey had seen Raphael trying to rape him. He’d tried to snatch the madman from Leo’s tied body and had his arm broken for his trouble. And yet, in Mikey's voice, there was a kind of devaluation of Usagi compared to Raphael.   
  
Not wanting to watch the news and scare his little brother, Leo, while keeping his cell near him, decided to try to act normally for the sake of the youngest. They, therefore, played video games until 10:00, despite the anguish that gripped his heart. After losing a dozen games, he decided that it was better for him to try to sleep than to pretend to be normal, which he was having more and more trouble doing.   
  
He wished Michelangelo good night and went to bed.

The bed was comfortable, and under the soft duvet, Leo felt like he was in pleasant cocoon. But even though his exhausted body wished to sleep, his fevered mind, full of questions and suppositions, did not allow him. Although he tried to refrain from rethinking everything, he always came back to one thing.   
  
Raph had seemed jealous of Karai and she was dead. Could he have discovered his relationship with Usagi and be responsible for his savage death? The Raph from three months ago would have never accepted Leo with anybody else. Karai’s vagina had been stabbed and Usagi’s cock sliced, like the killer wanted to punish these intimate parts the most.

The part that touched Leonardo’s.

_ 'No, Leo, stop making up scenarios. April has too much imagination. Raphael would never do such a thing. There is a gap between being jealous and a killer. A line that Raph would never cross.’ _   
  
He turned his back to his cell on the bedside table, to avoid staring stupidly at it all night.   
  
He could not hold it and rolled back over again, taking up the device again, thinking he would at least read the headlines of the news. It was not yet 11 pm, so hopefully there would be no victims at the moment, but could they trust the word of a murderer?

At the same moment, he received a text message. It was from his boss, sent to the whole detective unit. Day-off or not, Leo would read it.

His eyes wide, he read the text. 

A suspect in the Love Song Killer case had been arrested by the police and had confessed his crimes.

With frenzy, pushing back the duvet, he called the station to get confirmation and more details. Yes, a suspect was detained, and he was being questioned right now.   
  
"What does he look like?” Leo questioned impulsively.   
  
"I don’t know, they just dragged him into the interrogation room,” the officer on the phone told him, sounding surprised. “A tall brown guy.”   
  
This summary description did not please Leonardo, but, in spite of his questions, he could draw no more from it. He did not have a choice. He had to go back to the station. He had to clear up the doubt sown by April. 

He dressed quickly.

Mikey, fortunately, was sleeping in his bedroom, which prevented his big brother from having to invent a reason for why he was heading out so late, all in uniform.

\---

On the way, he told himself it could not be Raphael. His brother was far too physically impressive to go unnoticed by a policeman. ‘A tall brown guy’ was far from enough to qualify him and was not the first thing that came to mind. ‘A latino built like a tank’ would have been a better description and easy to tell.   
  
But although he missed his brother a lot, he wanted, madly, for April to be wrong. It should not be him in his post, otherwise. Leo could never forgive him the death of so many innocent people, nor Karai and Usagi.   
  
Arriving at the station, he immediately went to the interrogation room where the suspect was detained and there, an immense relief invaded him.   
  
It was not Raphael. 

He was a dark-haired man, tall but very thin. Half-bald, and with a tired look, the suspect had to be close to fifty years old. Indeed, nothing particularly stood out about this person and Leo understood the vague description. Yet this man, who looked like a simple accountant was, according to the police, the psychopath they sought.

Yes, Leo admitted that the tic of the man's left eye and his extenuated and depressed look, perhaps revealed a somewhat neurotic being, but nothing more. But no one had ‘serial killer’ stamped on their forehead. It would be too easy. So perhaps his common-place look was hiding dark secrets.

Leo had it explained to him what had led to the arrest of the man, and frowned. 

The suspect had been wandering downtown, lurking suspiciously. After being stopped by the police, who were paranoid with the threat of LSK hovering in the air, he had been briefly searched and they had found on him a cd and a knife on him. Moreover, the man had just confessed his crimes.

A crease dug Leo's forehead, looking at the evidence. 

The red-handled knife was the same one that any housewife could have bought at WalMart. Nobody could slice heads off with that, nor inflict the wounds Usagi had suffered to his face. Besides, the LSK had used explosives last time. If he wanted to kill 256 people tonight, it was not going to be with a cheap vegetable knife.

But this man had ‘confessed’.

"Why?" he asked the suspect, keeping the question open-ended, so the man could trap himself.   
  
"I'd do anything for my wife to come back, you understand. She left me for this guy..."   
  
Leo did not really listen, turning the cd in his fingers and suddenly interrupted the jealous ranting of the suspect to question his men.   
  
"Have you listened to the cd?"   
  
One of the policemen indicated the cd player in the room with his chin.   
  
"Yes, Chef. It's the same type as the others."   
  
Leo, taken by doubt and following his instinct, put the disc on. A familiar music, which turned his gut, rose from the speakers. He could not put his finger on the cause of his discomfort immediately.   
__  
_ ‘I didn’t hear what you were saying _ __  
_ I live on raw emotion, baby _ __  
_ I answer questions, never maybe _ __  
_ And I'm not kind if you betray me _ __  
_ So, who's the hell are you to save me? _ __  
_ I never would have made it, babe _ __  
_ If you needed love _ __  
_ Well, then, ask for love _ __  
_ Could have given love _ __  
_ Now I'm taking love _ __  
_ And it's not my fault _ __  
_ 'Cause you both deserve _ __  
_ What's coming now _ __  
_ So do not say a word _ __  
_ Wake up call _ __  
_ Caught you in the morning with another one in my bed _ __  
_ Don’t you care about me anymore? _ __  
_ Don’t you care about me? _ __  
_ I don’t think so _ __  
_ Six tall tall _ __  
_ Came without a warning, so I had to shoot him dead _ __  
_ He won’t come around here anymore _ __  
_ Come around here? _ __  
_ I don’t think so _ __  
_ Would have bled to make you happy _ __  
_ You didn’t need to treat me that way _ __  
  
...   
  
"Stop!" exclaimed Leo, finally understanding the reasons for his oppression. He turned, grasping for the suspect, who looked at Leo’s outburst with surprise.   
  
"This song is particularly telling. Have you ever used it for another crime?"   
  
The man hesitated, not knowing what to answer. The titles of the songs had never been included in the media. It was information only known to the highest ranking law enforcement officials. By chance, this neurotic had used a song already chosen for the murder of Usagi. 

Leo had not listened to the lyrics the first time, too shocked, but suddenly every word came off the music, marking his psyche with an indelible trace. A whole new meaning appeared to him under these words.

_ ‘Caught you in the morning with another one in my bed _ __  
_ Don’t you care about me anymore?‘ _ __  
  
Usagi's assassin, unusually, had put the music on, as if to make sure his message would be better heard. To be sure that Leo would hear it, in particular.   
  
_ ‘Focus, Leo, _ he told himself.  _ ‘Don’t think about it right now. It doesn’t mean anything.’ _ __  
  
"Do you have a picture of your wife?" Leo asked abruptly.   
  
The suspect obeyed and the picture of his ex-wife was discovered in his wallet, which Leo eagerly looked at. She had pretty hazel eyes.   
  
"You would do anything for your wife's return, right?" Leo said in a whisper. "Even confess to crimes that are not yours, in order to look interesting!"   
  
The man lowered his head but did not have time to reply, before a terrible detonation was heard.   
  
Leonardo straightened quickly, running towards the exit.   
  
"It’s not him. LSK was always free “

\--------

He had run, not even taking the time to take his car, knowing anyway, he could not go far with the streets crowded with the panicking members of the public.

He did not have to go very far. Six blocks away, smoking rubble replaced what must have been an anonymous housing tower.

Appalled, Leo quickly calculated, from the radius of the damage, that well over 256 people had to have died in this attack. The killer had not bothered to respect his word for the number of victims, which would now be hard to verify. The madman had just attacked, telling himself that the harder he hit, the stronger his message would be. 

While, running in all directions,  trying to help and giving orders, his cell vibrated. 

Too preoccupied with freeing a seven-year-old from the rubble, he ignored it.

Four hours later, there was nothing left they could do to better determine the number of victims. There were around four hundred and Leo clenched his fist in anger and shame. He had been helpless to stop this and it was with rage that he took his phone from his belt, still vibrating.

There were five missed calls from April and a summons for an emergency meeting from the Bureau.

He clenched his teeth. No doubt the journalist had received new clues from the killer. He pressed the key to dial the number of the young woman, while realizing something: that the killer only refeeds to April was in itself a disturbing peculiarity.

Maybe April was right...   
  
He had no time to deepen his thought, censuring himself, which was helped when the redhead answered.   
  
"Leo! Come to me immediately.”   
  
He sighed, irritated. He did not want April to divert his attention from possible real clues with her ridiculous assumptions about Raphael. He was there, his feet in the bloody rubble where many more people than expected had perished. If this psychopath continued, killing more than expected, in twelve hours, the number of victims would be catastrophic. 

He did not even bothered to greet the journalist.

"April, I don’t have time... I'm expected to be in a meeting in five minutes. Whatever you know, you can come back to the station. "   
  
"Leo..."   
  
He hung up.

\------

He hated black coffee. But when it was 8am and he have not slept all night, black coffee was a necessity. 

The CD was reported by a citizen this time, who found an envelope for the Bureau of Investigation. The man had been crushed with questions, but he knew nothing more. He had been to see a police officer who was there, but had been advised to take the envelope directly to the Bureau, which he had done.

Leo was twirling his pencil, thinking, as his eyes re-read the notes he had taken during the meeting. 

FBI profilers had come to help them establish a profile of the suspect. It was very little.

According to them, the music played a role in the relationship of the two parties or the break-up but it could be that the killer was simply a music lover.   
  
The killer had become more confident. The brutality of Usagi's murder had required the killer to remain in place longer than necessary. According to the autopsy, Usagi had been dead for nearly six hours, at the police arrival. This thought made Leo shiver. He had slept with his boyfriend's corpse for hours... obviously with the murderer in the home. What had the lunatic been doing?    
  
Footprints had been found, unveiling the killer's foot size and confirming his male sex, though no one had ever doubted it. According to the size, the man had to measure at least six foot, but that too was already known. To move Usagi in his arms like a bundle, the man had to be tall and strong. As…   
  
Leonardo chastited himself. He had to stop thinking about Raph. It was not Raph. Yes, Raph loved music, but no more than anyone.   
  
He thought of the last song; not at all of Raph's style. It was aggressive in the lyrics, as well as in rhythm. Listening to it, it was easy to say that the killer was getting impatient. Hence the much larger number of victims.   
  
_ ‘One way or another, I'm gonna find ya" _ __  
_ I'm gonna get ya, get ya, get ya, get ya _ __  
_ One way or another, I'm gonna win ya ' _ __  
_ I'm gonna get ya, get ya, get ya, get ya’ _ __  
  
He shivered. This... terrorist, because now he had just passed the stage of serial killer, to become worthy of the label of terrorist, was a sociopath, really bent in the mind.   
  
It had interested many profilers and other detectives to know what the killer had done at Leo’s. The apartment had been scrutinized to see if the killer could have left any other trace, like his saliva on a glass of water or on a cigarette, since he had stayed so long. But except for his uniform, nothing had seemed to have disappeared. And the police had given him his wallet back, which had been found, ignored by the intruder.   
  
Suddenly, seized with an intuition, he touched his wallet and opened it. 

He counted his cash quickly and suddenly realized that, most likely, the killer had not drawn the dollars from his wallet. His wallet had been in the bathroom, very much in sight, after Leo had removed it from his pants. The intruder had stolen the uniform, but not Leo’s money.

Usagi's wallet, on the other hand, had been found empty.

It had been another hint from the profilers. The killer needed money, because all the victims who had been killed by hand, had been robbed.

By contrast, none of them had been raped, suggesting the murderer wanted to remain ‘faithful to his beloved’ as the profiler had said. The crimes were thus a supreme form of blackmail, in addition to being for an economic purpose, they had concluded.

However, Leo still had $200 in his wallet. 

Usagi's assassin had infiltrated his home and killed the awaken person instead of the sleeping one, which would have been much easier. Then he stole Usagi's money, but not his uniform. He took Leo's uniform, but then did not want his money. Yes, it was inferred that the killer may be trying to disguise himself as a policeman to build confidence or hide in the crowd, but why Leo's uniform rather than Usagi's uniform? The two of them were the same size. Yes, Leo's was higher-ranking, but if the killer was looking for anonymity, that of Usagi's lieutenant would actually have gone unnoticed even more easily.

His anxiety escalated. Why had the killer spared him? Why did he take Usagi’s life and money, instead of Leo’s?   
  
He kept his question to himself. If he asked it... the others would perhaps suggest a theory he was not ready to hear.   
  
"Johnson! You are silent! What do you think about this idea?"   
  
However, caught by a sudden thought, Leo did not answer, instead, he exclaimed, "The man who came to bring us the cd saw a policeman on the scene! The policeman told him to find us here! What if he was our killer, wearing my uniform?"   
  
His boss rose, after a summary gesture, telling Leo to dig into this possibility.   
  
"Call all the media, I have to give this press conference!"   
  
Leonardo had no idea what the press conference was going to be about and did not point out the fact that his boss’s last conference had not pleased the terrorist, making him even madder.   
  
He had his own investigation to do.   
  
He demanded that the man who had brought the cd to the police station be recalled for questioning. It was not Leo's job to question witnesses, still less, alone, but this was too important for him to rely on other people, as competent as they might be.

\-----

The man repeated his story, but Leo insisted on him fully describing the policeman's appearance. 

Leo had already checked. the place where the killer left the envelope was not monitored by any camera, just as the places where the building and the bus had exploded. The terrorist had a great sense of observation or else privileged information, like April as suggested.

"Tell me about the policeman, to whom you offered the envelope. Did he have anything special about him? " Leo asked insistently.”Something peculiar, or notable, making him recognizable”   
  
"Well, actually, yes... he was a tough guy,” the man stammered, obviously nervous. “Built like a tank."   
  
Leo’s heart became anxious at this information. Then he tried to reassure himself. Several policemen were bulky.   
  
"Anything else?” he insisted   
  
The man hesitated visibly.   
  
"Well, I don’t want to bad-mouth a police officer, maybe he had his reasons, but his police suit was not clean. in fact, he didn’t look like a cop at all." 

Seeing Leo frown in confusion, the witness further developed what he was saying.

"I mean, I look at your uniform. It is freshly ironed, not like his. He didn’t have a jacket, only a short sleeve shirt, despite the winter. Then, he had something like... sticking out of his sleeve. A piece of pale cloth. I never dealt with cop before,” he insisted, ”but I’ve never seen that."

The assistant chief swallowed hard. Their bandana. But Raph's was scarlet. In the darkness of the park, where the man had met him at 11pm, it should have been dark. Unless, it was Leo’s. He had not seen it in weeks, months even. In fact, not since Raph had been taken to the sanatorium. 

But all of this was maybe coincidence, and he was jumping to conclusions.

"His shirt, was it blue or white?” he asked. 

Raph, with his rank of sergeant, wore a blue shirt; while Leo's uniform was white.

"Blue. I can’t tell you the exact rank, as I told you, I never dealt with police before. He had a badge, but I didn’t notice so much. He had long hair for a policeman though; I had thought that maybe he was not legit, but assumed I was wrong."

“It came down to about here,” he explained, pointing to his neck, showing that the hair of the man came to just above the shoulder. "His hairs was dark brown, maybe even black, but  I think his eyes were bright, but I’m not sure. I just remembered his hard glare. He also had something around the neck. Something dark, maybe a tattoo, but I just saw a glimpse of. It could be a tank top. But, he had a tattoo on his forearm for sure. It looked more like words than drawings, and I did not want a policeman twice my size to get angry because I was detailing him, you understand?”

Leo nodded and made a gesture to encourage him in his description, even if he was now livid.

“He had a cigarette in his mouth and seemed impatient. I told myself that in the frenzy, this guy has been called for duty in the middle of his sleep and that that was the reason he seemed dirty and stressed out. That's all."

Soul crushed, Leo rose stiffly and gave a mechanical thank you to the man for his valuable information, while escorting him to the door.   
  
Once alone in his office, Leonardo tried to convince himself that he was fabricating ideas, that all this was only the result of chance. Many points indicated Raph, but others, no. for example, Raph did not smoke, right? And then, to his knowledge, he had only a tattoo and short hair.   
  
But his good sense forced him to admit that a bad habit, a tattoo, and longer hair could be easily acquired in a little more than three months.   
  
He took his phone and tried to call April. 

Maybe the reporter had information that exonerated Raph. Because, despite everything pointing in that direction, it could not be him, it was too insane that the man he knew so well and that he still loved that much could be now a criminal; and worse, a mass murderer.

April did not answer, and for a moment Leo thought she had been offended by his harsh attitude from earlier. But then he remembered she should be, like all the other journalists, at his superior’s conference.

Anyway, he needed to write down the facts from his interrogation and calm down enough to be able to have a clear mind.

Looking again at his notes, taken during the meeting, he classified them according to what could indicate that Raph and the terrorist were the same person.   
  
_ For: _   
  
_ Beginning of the crimes coinciding with his release from the sanatorium.  _

__  
_Possible jealousy vis-à-vis Karai and Usagi._ Coincidence: these were the two victims whose bodies had been the most mutilated.  
  
__Sharpshooter.  
  
Knowledge of explosives.  
  
Tall and strong.  
  
_Eyes of another color than blue._ The profilers had concluded that emphasizing the color of another person's eyes could indicate that it was a different trait for the killer. He, Leo, had, by chance, blue eyes that Raph LOVED particularly.

 _The witness had reported that the policeman there had bright eyes,_ so maybe green.

 _This policeman wore a sergeant's coat._ Like Raph. Only the sergeants wear a blue shirt with a badge.  
  
_Ability worthy of a ninja:_ He seemed to melt into the shadows.  
  
_He had not wanted to steal his money, only taking his uniform,_ not even to wear it, since he still had his sergeant's uniform on him. Anyway, Raph was far too bulky to fit in Leo’s. He could have stolen it because the uniform, having been worn all day and night, would be impregnated with Leo’s odor.

Leo closed his eyes, remembering the erotic dream he’d had that night, his cock hard and leaking. He had thought that it was Usagi who had caressed and kissed him in his sleep, and left him a red rose. But maybe it was not Usagi’s doing.

The chosen song, in which the man had killed his rival, surprised in the morning in the bed of his beloved, had shaken him. If it was Raph, he could have actually felt deceived to find another in Leo’s bed.

Raphael, if he did not work, surely needed money. What Leo and Donnie gave him was not enough to buy explosives and weapon, and whatever Raph had to have in stock. But Raphael did not kill for money alone. Increasing his $2,000 a month pension would not change anything if it was indeed him. 

It was just a horrible form of emotional manipulation. Leo was a detective. Killing people like this was a great way to get Leo’s attention. Leonardo, in his last message, had told him that henceforth his only passion would be to protect the citizens. Raph was hitting Leo’s weak spot bullseye.

  
_The killer knew April and wanted a specific person on television._ Leonardo himself, perhaps?   
  
The only thing that didn’t line up, was that Raph did not maintain a special connection with the music. They did not even have their own ‘love song’. Yes, Mikey, Raph and he enjoyed karaoke in their youth, but...   
  
Suddenly, his heart missed a beat.   
  
He saw himself on a stage singing a song for Raph, the night his brother had lost his mind.   
  
_ ‘You don’t own me _ __  
_ I'm just one of your many toys _ __  
_ You don’t own me _ _  
_ __ Don’t say I can’t go with other boys’

Raph was answering this provocation in the same way.

He stood up, staggering. 

He had to talk to April. He had to do a press conference and convince Raph to stop his crimes. It was almost eleven, him having remained in his reflections for almost an hour since the departure of the witness. His superior’s conference was surely over now and Raph would be angry to see that Leo was still eluding him.

In an hour, the killer, Raphael, his brother and lover, was going to kill thousands of people to convince him to come back to him.

If he had listened to April, the victims from last night might not have died.   
  
Leo was as guilty, as Raph, of being deaf and blind while the evidence was screaming the truth.   
  
Rushing out of his office, he caught the first officer he found, asking if the press conference was over and what had been said. The policewoman explained briefly that the profile had been unveiled on TV and that every woman who had separated from a man who could fit that profile had to communicate with the police.   
  
Leo rolled his eyes at this pathetic and useless attempt. Thousands of panicked women would accuse their ex’s, monopolizing their phone lines and their time. This witch hunt would not help. 

He had to see April. The journalist would find a way to put him in touch with Raph, so that he could convince him to stop.

A panic seized the office and Leo lowered his arm, which had grabbed his cell phone.   
  
"What is going on?” he demanded to know. “A new attack?”   
  
He had the impression his blood had drained from his body when he heard it. No, this is not could be Raph. As upset as his brother could be from their break-up, he couldn’t have gone so far.

Mikey’s art school had been the target of the attack. The whole building has just exploded on the other side of the city.


	20. The horror of our love

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Song: The horror of our love by Ludo

He forgot April, he forgot everything. He forgot he had to stay there. He did not even take his own car knowing he could not drive in the state he was in. 

Leo hailed a taxi to take him to the scene of the disaster.

During the ride, Leo's brain worked at thousand miles per hour. It was impossible for Raph to have blown up their little brother's school. If Raph was really the culprit, he had inadvertently chosen the wrong school. He would never have sacrificed Mikey, mad as he was.   
  
Mikey... his innocent little brother, who had laughed the day before with him, at his poor performance at Mario Kart. Mikey would never win a game again. Mikey probably did not even have his arms attached to his body anymore.   
  
The mental image made him grind his teeth with anguish. 

The attack had taken place during lunchtime, right? Maybe... maybe... Mikey had gone out to eat and was not among the victims?

He hung on to this hope as he begged the driver to drive faster.   
  
Naturally, the street leading to the school was closed and he had to walk the rest of the way, his high-rank police uniform enabling him pass the safety cords.   
  
He accosted the first captain he came across, and bombarded him with questions.   
  
The attack had taken place at 11:15, the terrorist (not Raph, it could not be Raph) again advancing the time of his crimes and becoming more and more unpredictable. And so, it had been a quarter of an hour before lunch time.   
  
Frenzied, Leo pulled out his cellphone to call the Italian nanny Mikey affectionately called ‘Nona’. Maybe Mikey, by a miracle, had not going school today. Unfortunately, the old housekeeper confirmed that Mikey, with enthusiasm, had left at 8:10 that morning, carrying the rest of the pasta as a lunch.   
  
Mikey, his little brother, lay under the half-open metal beams, with more than a thousand other victims.   
  
It could not be Raphael. But whoever it was, that horrible monster was going to pay, he promised himself, clenching his fists.   
  
With rage, he sought among the victims, for his little brother. Most of the kids were under 20, he reckoned, feeling sickened. 

His cell vibrated constantly as he worked, but he did not care. He could lose his job, he did not care at all. Nothing was more important than finding Mikey and to rock his body in his arms and ask for forgiveness. Forgiveness for being such an incompetent, unable to get his hands on the one who had become, in a few days, the worst criminal in New York’s history.

He had no idea how long he was there, among the ragged limbs of teens, when a hand rested on his shoulder. He turned around, furious at the interruption, when he recognized his journalist friend.   
  
"Leo," the reporter called softly, "Don said I'd find you here."   
  
Leo blinked. Don? It took him a moment to remember who this ‘Don’ was. He was the only brother who remained with him.   
  
"Leo," April insisted. "Mikey is not here." Then seeing that the ex-leader did not seem to come out of his trance, she shook him.   
  
"He's not here because he's at the airport, Leo. he was sitting in class when he was told that his brother phoned to get him out of school. A taxi picked Michelangelo up from school at 10:30 am, to supposedly meet Don at the airport,” she explained. “But Mikey did not find Don and he saw on the television at the airport what had happened. Panicked, he had phoned Don who was still in Miami.”

April took a deep breathe to calm herself, and try to be more firm.

“Donnie didn’t call Mikey, Leo. And I know it wasn’t you. There is only one possibility left. It was someone who knew the school was going to explode and wanted to save Michelangelo. Leo, the psychopath is Raphael.”   
  
Leonardo shook his head. Mikey was dead and they were trying to make him believe otherwise. 

April was not mistaken about the policeman's hallucinatory gaze and took his head between her hands, in order to get his full attention, repeating, articulating with emphasis, "Mikey is safe. You can call him, if you don’t believe me.”

"But if he's alive... then that means..."   
  
He did not dare to continue, but April nodded.   
  
"Yes, Leo. I know is hard for you, but you have to admit it. It's Raph,” she confirmed, reading his thoughts.   
  
So, he still had to mourn a brother, he thought, this realization almost erasing the relief of knowing Mikey alive. April did not even know how hard it was to lose someone like this. Raph was alive, but his soul was gone.   
  
He looked up sadly at April.   
  
"What are we going to do?” he asked.   
  
"Don has something to tell you. He was at  Miami airport when he spoke to me. He will be here in four hours. But by then... I need to get you in a interview. Enough to satisfy Raphael, to calm him at least until tomorrow morning, the time Don arrives. Explain that... you made your decision, Leo. We just need a break. I’m sure that if you are on the news, Raphael won’t kill four-thousand people tonight.”   
  
"Okay," Leonardo yielded, already reproaching himself enough for his previous obstinacy. 

If he had been less blind, teens would be classes, instead of being in spare parts under a white sheet. So many lives lost because of his stubbornness, his weakness.

“Now, Leo. There’s not a moment to waste. Who knows what he could do next.”

Leo let himself be taken to the Canal 6 recording studio.

\-----   
  
"... and so, Assistant Chief Johnson, if you could talk to the Love Song Killer, what would you say?"   
  
Leo had not prepared for this question, even though April had warned him an hour earlier that she was going to ask him. He stared at the camera for the first time, imagining his brother's face and putting as much supplication into his eyes as he could. It was not difficult for him, Leo was heartbroken.   
  
"I would tell him that violence is not a solution. A bouquet of flowers has always touched hearts better than a bouquet of head. To win back a loved one, gentleness, the desire to change and communication are the keys... "   
  
He bit his lip, with his notice of non-communication, it was him who had pushed Raphael to these extremes. He and April had listened to all the songs in order before the interview, to be sure to fully grasp Raph's message and what he wanted. Agitated, he had even asked for cigarettes to control his nerves during the hearing of the songs, despite the fact he did not even smoke. 

With the song from Karai’s murder, he reproached himself, he should have understood.

_ Baby I'm preying on you tonight _ _   
_ _ Hunt you down eat you alive _ _   
_ _ Just like animals _ _   
_ _ Animals _ _   
_ _ Like animals-mals _ _   
_ _   
_ _ Maybe you think that you can hide _ _   
_ _ I can smell your scent for miles _ __   
  
The hunted animal was not Karai, not really. It was Leo whom Raph, unaware of where he was, had wanted to lure out of his lair. He did not know where his brother worked, since Leo had changed of office. Raph had waited a few weeks to see if by getting rid of the one he imagined his rival, his brother would come back to him. This had not been the case and he had coped very badly with the disappointment.   
  
If Leo had opened his eyes at the time... so many lives would have been spared. He could never forgive himself.   
  
Raph had to stop. Don surely had a solution. But he just needed a reprieve of a few hours.   
  
"I would tell him that, no doubt, the person he loves, cherish him too,” Leo went on, “but if he continues on this path, he risks of damaging their bond. On the other hand, if he shows the will to make amends now, the person he loves, undoubtedly will be touched by this. And then... his lover may come back."   
  
He knew that Raph had never been a being to be content with half-measures and ‘maybe’ but without Donatello's advice, he could not go further for the moment.   
  
At the end of the interview, as he was still shaking, and April thanked him.   
  
"You saved thousands of lives, no doubt, Leo"   
  
He had not answered, finding himself more of a murderer than a hero at the moment. Part of him kept hoping this was all a nightmare and that his speech would not work because the killer was not Raphael. Leo hated himself for thinking so. He was monstrous.   
  
When he arrived at his car, a bunch of red roses had been placed there, glued to the windshield.They were of the same hue as the ones left in his bathroom, the night of Usagi’s murder. Leo did not find them romantic anymore. The color remind him the blood he had seen too much of lately. 

Among the flowers were a message, erasing any possible doubts that could subsist in Leo’s mind..

_ "I'm waiting for you at home, baby..." _ _   
_ __   
He took the flowers, bowing his head. The florists would make a fortune this month with the bouquets to cover the coffins of the victims of Leonardo and Raphael. Yes, his victims too, because without his notice of non-communication, Raph would never have lost his mind to this point.   
  
All this was all his fault.   
  
Their old apartment having been sold and the one with Usagi closed for investigation, he wondered if Raph was not waiting for him at Donnie's. But he was not ready to see him, not yet. He needed explanations and solutions from his scientific brother first. He was supposed to arrive in only an hour. 

Fearing to see Raphael and bursting with a desire to hug Michelangelo, who had remained at the airport, under Donatello's orders, all this time, Leo took the road to La Guardia.

\---

Donnie did not want to talk in the car as they headed home, keeping a serious face. Mikey, following his confession, had been sobbing all the way; and Leo had driven, his knuckles white as he clutched the steering wheel. 

Raph, even before their break-up had killed innocent people. Leo guessed now he was responsible for the two dead boys at the high school. And even their neighbor, who had been carrying his child; probably killed to keep Leo from knowing about her, Raph maybe fearing Leo’s jealousy. So this poor girl and her child to be, had been killed for him, and Leo shivered at the idea.

He had not dared to get rid of the bouquet of roses, left on the back bench, but it seemed to him that its smell was toxic.

Arriving at home, Leo had noticed Raph was not there. Had he waited for him and then lost patience and was now about to blow up half of the city?   
  
Once inside, Don gave Mikey some calming pills and sent him to sleep. Leo realized his brother had sent their youngest to sleep more for his own benefit than Mikey's. To hear their youngest confess his complicity in hiding corpses had blown the two eldest away.   
  
Leo was not surprised to see that, in Florida, Donnie had started smoking too. His brother was shaking and was still wiping his tinged glasses.   
  
"You see, Leo, it's my fault. I hid the truth from you. Even before your transformation, I knew Raph had been mutated from the genetic material of a particular criminal. His name was Cabanera. This man killed too, for love, so to speak and I learned he had killed many more people than expected... sending some sliced limbs to his ex-lover. You... I don’t want to talk to you about that, Leo ... but the little brother of the lover was an accomplice of the killer. But, he did not have a record in exchange for his testimony... “

Donnie took a drag on a cigarette and coughed, before crushing it, almost new. Leo was now super aware of every gesture, feeling like he was choking.

“The man I interviewed in Florida pretended to be a journalist in order to get admitted in to see the prisoner, but that was not the case. He was a scientist, but a nutcase," Donatello explained with reluctance." The thesis he wanted to check, and which was refused by his university, was that the passionate bonds remain... no matter the envelope of flesh. He had promised Cabanera that... in exchange for his confidences and his genetic material... that he could love his lover again after his death, and you know, having a new chance to court him.”

Don uttered a sob, and Leo was about to slide to his knees to make his brother shut up. He did not need to hear about other’s drama, now.

“Your donor, Leo, had committed suicide and the man... had managed to get his DNA from him and his little brother... You see Cabaneras... he never spoke to anyone after... he died on the electric chair, convinced he could kiss his lover again one day. The scientist promised him that the DNA donations would be used by people who would live nearby.I know the whole story, Leo, in detail ... but it would waste time. The fact is that the scientist lost his funding, and all his equipment was sold to another lab. The one where we were born. Ironically, it seems that the turtle genes are what has keep Raph under control all these past years."

The breathlessness, stunned, Leo could only stammer, asking from where Donatello's genes had come from.   
  
"Can’t you guess? Donnie replied wearily. "The scientis agreed to tell me everything because... I was him. He had included himself in his experiment, because he wanted a second chance to prove his theory. I’m made from this nutcase!” “But you are not like him!” Leo protested, wanting to comfort his brother despite his own heartache.

“I had to tell you…I didn’t mutated myself all the way.”

Donatello removed his shoes and Leo’s breathe caught in his throat when he saw that Don’s feet were three toed and green.

“I’m am a turtle up to the knees. I was curious… you know, to see if it would make a difference,” he explained sadly.

A thick silence followed this revelation, only troubled by Donatello sobbing. But the scientist took control of his nerves and look seriously to the eldest.   
  
"The real interest is, what are you going to do, now Leo?” Don asked. “Raphael is waiting for you somewhere and nothing will stop him. Are you ready to carry the burden of new deaths or to live with a murderer all your life?"   
  
"Can’t you heal him?” Leo questioned sadly, suspecting the answer. 

This did not stop his heart from sinking when Donatello, his hazel eyes expressing his deep sorrow, shook his head.

“I can give him pills, to tame some aspect of his mental illness, but if he refuses to take them… it will be a bomb, ready to explode at any moment.”

Resolved, Leo stood up.   
  
"Raph is waiting for me at home," he declared firmly. Suddenly it became clear to him where ‘home’ was. Donatello hugged Leo tightly before he left.   
  
"I'm sorry, Leo... I should have done more research before I granted Raph's and Mikey's wishes to become human, and reactivated their genetic heritage," the scientist sobbed. 

The ex-leader returned his embrace, assuring him that nothing was his fault.

“Take care of Mikey,” Leo whispered.

\--------

An hour later, wading through the dark, icy sewers, Leo came in sight of their former lair and without hesitation headed to his own room, led by music. His room which had sheltered his secret love with Raphael, where he had been so happy. Before pushing the door, he listened to the words that the LSK had chosen to sign his next attack, where probably tens of thousands of people could have ... could lose their lives, again, if he did not act:   
  
_ "I'm a killer, cold and wrathful _ _   
_ _ Silent sleeper, I've been inside your bedroom _ _   
_ _ I've been murdered half the town _ _   
_ _ left you love notes on their headstones _ _   
_ _ I'll fill the graveyards until I have you." _ _   
_ __   
Resolute, knowing that his lover would fulfill all his fatal promises, he pushed open the door.

The whole room was candle-lit, and stunned, Leo detailed the change made to the space. There was not that much; all his book were still on the selves, dust covering them, but he had never had so many pictures of himself on the walls. There were many of him as turtle and as a human, and disturbed, Leo noticed that many had been taken by a long-range zoom camera lens, in the last weeks, when he was on his lunch break.

It was frightening to see that Raph, a mass murderer, had stalked him for so many weeks, near of a building fulls of cops, without Leo, a supposed detective, being aware of it.

All the walls was covered with pictures, except for where there was a huge map of New York, the one Leo worked with before, to make strategies. Written with red Sharpie on it, was probably the plan for Raph’s next attack, but Leo did not linger on it, because there wouldn’t have to be a next attack.

Leo’s uniform was folded with care on the bed table, and Leo found at the place to have some temple aspects.

Raphael loved him so much, to an insane level.

Candles lit up Raphael, naked and asleep, despite the cold weather, with only Leo's blue bandana tied around the bicep. His body actually sported new tattoos. Two katanas crossed under the ‘Fearless’ that already existed. The name Leo, illuminated with flowers on one of his forearms and he also noticed many scars from cuts on the other, suggesting that Raphael also vented on himself, and was self-harming. 

Leo heart’s cried painfully.

His brother had changed, his longer hair disheveled and he had lost weight. He seemed ten years older, the pain having permeated his features as surely as the claws of a wild animal. Yet his face lit up with a new youth when he opened his eyes and saw his lover.

"Fearless ..." he murmured softly, his voice sweet as nectar, an expression of adoration in his eyes. “are you really there?”   
  
Leo also smiles lovingly to his brother.   
  
"Sorry for the delay, Raph. Had some things to fix-up. "   
  
Raphael frowned at this answer.   
  
"Are you alone, at least? There’s not a whole squadron waiting to stop me? Because the sewers are full of dynamite you see," he told him, pointing to the room. “You betray me Leo and I blow you, me, your cops friends... " he hissed waving a detonator, with a threatening expression.

Leo looked at what his brother was threatening him with. There was enough dynamite to blow-up this part of the sewers, but they were too deep in the sewers for the blast hit too much of the surface. Raph had probably intended to bring all of it to the surface.

He made quick calculations. With all this amount, Raph could do a lot of damage topside, with thousands of victims.

Leo filled the distance between the two of them and silenced his ex-boyfriend with a kiss.   
  
"Raph... there's only the two of us, my love. Forever, together, " Leo promised.   
  
The ravaged face of Raphael split with an ingenuous smile.   
  
"True, Fearless? Because I thought of that... we only have to leave New York, and go to San Francisco. There more gay people there and Donnie will give us other papers, with different family names this time around. We'll start again, as real lovers," Raph proposed feverishly.   
  
Leo shook his head gently. 

In San Francisco, Raph would remain what he was, jealous, possessive, violent and impulsive and maybe commit crime again. It was in his genes and Leo's remorse would be so heavy. Their place was not on the surface. He knew it from the beginning. He had told them so, so many times before their transformation.

"No, my love. We are not going anywhere. We stay here together. For real. Our place was always right here, in this room. We should never have left this place,” Leo told him earnestly. “Do you remember our first time, just here? You were nervous. Are you nervous right now?" he asked with tenderness.

Raph shook his head, grinning.

“No, babe. You are here. Everything gonna be alright,” he said with conviction, his eyes shining with love.

“Yes, everything gonna be alright...”

Approaching his brother's face, to kiss him again, Leo’s hand slid along the muscular body he had longed for. He still loved him, and craved for him, despite all that had happened and so, Leo was as evil as Raphael. Taking advantage of the distraction of his lover, Leo leaned on the detonator and a huge flash of light illuminated their last kiss.

 

Fin


End file.
